Tuesday, September 30, 2008

My 100th Post!!!

Man, who would have thunk I'd have this much to say? Well, I guess anyone but me. I must be in denial or maybe I'm too opinionated.
So...Nicole and Faith did the coolest thing on their 100th post so I thought I would copy cat them...I seem to do that alot...and do the same.

here are 100 things you may or may not know about me:

1. there is nothing more i want in this world than a baby.

2. sometimes i worry that i love tatum so much that i won't love my human children as much as i love her. i think she's perfect.

3. someday when i'm old i want to work in an orphanage in a third world country and....i worry that if i went now i would never be able to come back to the states. and sometimes i wonder if that's in my near future more than my distant future. yikes.

4. and then i regret the prayer i prayed during my first camping/bear experience in yosemite of "dear god, if you save my life i'll go anywhere but china." because you know how god likes to make you go where you really don't want to go?

5. i am a life member of the NRA thanks to my dad buying it for me when i was a kid.

6. i had my SCUBA license before my driver's license.

7. i miss my neices and nephews every single day and it breaks my heart that we all don't live in the same town.

8. i'm really from springfield illinois, but i tell everyone i grew up in champaign. (sorry springfieldians. there are still many there that i love and you know who you are. if you are questioning whether you're in that group, you're not.)

9. when i am full i hiccup 3 times.

10. i have two "rules" for life. if someone i don't know well asks me to do something with them, no matter how busy or uninterested i am, i always go. (so far that rule has never let me down.) the other is that if i'm given an opportunity, no matter how scared of it i am, i always take it. (that one hasn't let me down either.)

11. when i watch "Sweet Home Alabama" i wish i had a group of friends from my class that i still knew. Sean Timothy is the only person that i still have contact with. (and for that i love facebook.)

12. when i smell second hand smoke, sometimes i inhale more than i should and it makes me miss the areopagus days.

13. when i think about the girls i mentored fresh out of college when they were still in high school i get weak in the knees with humilty because of what cool people they have each turned out to be. I look up to them more than they look up to me now. that includes nadia even though, technically, she wasn't supposed to be in my group.

14. i can't wait to hike my next long hike and i hope it's the PCT.

15. sometimes i wonder stupid things like, if god had made us with out elbows and knees would he have made the world flat. and did he forget elbows and knees on his first draft and somewhere out there is a universe with out them and they are all stuck in the valleys of their planet. and i wonder how long our forks would be if we didn't have elbows. or would we all have to feed each other? (this is why i don't express these thoughts often.)

16. i am an organ donor because i believe in recycling even after death. and i think the whole concept of giving life in my death rocks. you can become an organ donor too by clicking here. (clicking there does not automatically make you an organ donor, don't worry. you CAN just check it out.)

17. i love johnny cash and do not consider him country so i can go on enjoying his music and singing it at the top of my lungs when i'm alone.

18. i HATE making iced tea and rice. not sure why maybe the thought makes them seem to be time consuming tasks.

19. when i cut a sandwich into 4 parts, i get sesame street flash backs.

20. drinking 7-up always makes me feel like i'm sick.

21. every time i eat corn on the cob i think of bam-bam.

22. thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because you get all the food and none of the expectations of gifts.

23. i am TERRIFIED of bears.

24. i eat m&m's in 3's.

25. i eat skittles by color.

26. my right arm pit grows more hair than my left.

27. i'm always afraid that i won't be successful. and by "successful" i don't mean rich or have a big title...i mean the way i feel inside about myself.

28. when i was in junior high i named my boobs "huge" and "massive". they are now collectively called "the cajongas".

29. no other body parts have names. (thank you oprah for making that a necessity to clarify.)

30. i hang my clothes in order of dressyness.

31. when i buy new clothes, i like to hang them up with the tags on. it makes me feel rich.

32. i love chocolate, but only the dark stuff. milk chocolate doesn't temp me at all.

33. i can't wait to be 80.

34. i wish i was more artistic, or i guess i should say, i wish i made more art.

35. i don't have a favorite color because i can't decide.

36. my favorite movie growing up was annie.

37. i love to clean things. most of the time.

38. my favorite kind of music is anything poppy. but i'm always disappointed when i am listening to something "poppy" only for it to turn into country.

39. i eat potato chips from smallest to largest without realizing it.

40. if i could live anywhere in the world and money was no option, i'd live in key west.

41. if i could have any job and money was no option i think i'd like to be an art director for a nursing home. or i'd like to have an orphanage full of kids of all ages.

42. i'm very opinionated, but very indecisive.

43. my favorite toy growing up was an E.T. doll, that i still have.

44. when i was little i would hold "garage sales" in my room and grandma angelo would come and buy my junk for real money.

45. my first real job was an office job doing accounts receivable and payables for a company that sold ATM supplies. i think that job is what made me love business. i was 16.

46. i rolled my first car 10 days after receiving it. it was a silver VW rabbit.

47. i am NOT a cat person. (sorry adea!!)

48. i grind my teeth in my sleep so bad i had to get a bite guard.

49. i love to bake.

50. when i got married i had 500 christmas lights in my dress and when i kissed my husband on the altar i flipped a switch and my dress lit up.

51. i hate when people use the wrong version of they're, their and there or two, to and too.

52. my favorite artist is van gogh.

53. my 2nd favorite is duffy and bonnard. yes...i know that makes 3 but they are in a tie because i love the way bonnard uses green.

54. i would rather be cold than hot although i love to go running in the heat.

55. there is a hole between my two front teeth at the very top and if i can't get air between them it makes me in sane. i need a toothpick stat!!

56. i can only have 2 alcohol beverages in public. after that i make no promises or guaranties.

57. i love numbers and math.

58. there is no man in the world i think is more handsome than paul.

59. white chocolate always reminds me of aunt ruth but i don't know why.

60. peanut brittle always reminds me of aunt ruth's mom, martha, and i know exactly why.

61. i hate having a cell phone because sometimes i just want to be alone.

62. i try to buck technology but am easily swayed.

63. i'm afraid to get too involved in churches because that's usually when i get kicked out or reprimanded.

64. even though i hated it at the time i'm glad we have lived in so many different parts of the country.

65. some day i would like to live in vermont for just one winter.

66. the accomplishment i'm the most proud of is being an AT thru hiker. and that i completed it with paul.

67. i had a doll house growing up and to this day i remember getting it for christmas from maryann.

68. my favorite beverage is red wine. or a carmel mocha frappacino. or sweet tea.

69. i'm lactose intolerant but i try all the time not to be.

70. when i'm hungry i get dizzy really quick.

71. i eat way too much sugar. (but i'm working on it rachelle!)

72. if anything ever happened to paul i would not remarry.

73. the one place i'd really like to go someday is italy. all other places would just be a bonus.

74. i collect children's books. especially one's that have gotten the coldecott medal for the illustrations.

75. i love the smell of ponderosa trees and i miss my florida front yard because in the heat of summer they smell extra good.

76. my favorite poem is "when i'm an old woman."

77. i firmly believe that i have the cutest baby puppy dog in all the world.

78. i love quilting because you can fit so much color into a small spot.

79. i love shining shoes.

80. the woman i was named after is one of 3 of the most fun people i've ever met.

81. my favorite concept is: once you stretch your mind it can never go back to its original shape.

82. sometimes i don't think quicker than i talk but i'm working on it.

83. my childhood nickname was tootsie.

84. the only bone i've ever broken is the bone that holds up my left eye ball.

85. i was born with 2 teeth. one fell out right away, the other one i had until i was 6.

86. i won a freckle contest in the 3rd grade.

87. spending money makes me very nervous.

88. when i was little i wanted to be a zoologist when i grew up. or an actress.

89. i didn't pick a major in college until my junior year when they forced me. then i picked social science so i could use all of the credits i had and still graduate in 4 years. psychology, sociology and history. with a minor in education.

90. when my sister turned 11 she got 11 roses for her "golden birthday". so i swore that 9 was my favorite number, since i was 9 years old, so i could get some roses too. it didn't work. but 9 is still my favorite number. and sometimes 4.

91. once i scared missy so bad that she ran screaming so long that she had to take another breath before she was done. that was my favorite scare to this day.

92. i only have 1 regret in life.

93. when dan was little i loved smelling his pillows because they always smelled like honey.

94. i can type over 80 words a minute with only 3 errors.

95. i think that chocolate tastes better frozen.

96. the longest i've ever gone with out a shower is 11 days.

97. i remember back when i wore diapers. (they say the more artistic you are the farther back you can remember.)

98. when i was little, still in diapers even, i thought when i grew up the little girl in my pictures would grow up too so i would stand in front of the mirror and memorize what i looked like so when i grew up i wouldn't forget.

99. when i was in kindergarden i realized that babies were born every day. not just in generations.

100. i have always hated sharing my clothes. just ask missy, we used to have knock down drag out fights about sharing.

Monday, September 29, 2008

chugga chugga chugga chugga

this weekend i got quite a bit done on the quilt work for my boy quilt. it will still take me quite a few months to finish but it's looking ca-ute! i tried to take a picture to show you but it just wouldn't show up in the light. i'll have to keep trying at different times of the day and at different stages of my progress and see if i can catch it.
on good news i actually got a positive o test tonight. today was a crucial temp day BUT guess who started whining to go out at 5:15AM. in my incoherentness that early all i said to paul was "i can't get up or it will mess up my temps. these 3 days are the most crucial days of the month!!!" he quickly realized my panic and took her out. but-it was too late. my temp schedule was messed up. thank goodness for the pee sticks. only 18 days! oh well....wait a minute....18 days! this is a milestone-this is the same day i o-ed last month! do i have a pattern!?! oh my gosh, if i o again next month on day 18 i will be VERY excited. that means i can cut down to just 8 or so o tests instead of my regular 14+ o tests. whew!
i got trout at the store tonight and i can't wait to eat it. i fell in love with trout when i worked at upword and they put me on a fishing trip with a bunch of guys and the loved me. my only job was to cook for them. that's the part where they fell in love with me. then they tried to teach me how to fish. then they realized why it was a guys only fishing trip. i talked too much and had to promise not to talk if they took me out again. but they still loved me and requested me the next year. i think it was because if they didn't show up for lunch, i put their lunch on my back and walked down the river until i found them to feed them. anyhow-that's how i learned to clean a fish. and it really doesn't bother me. but thank goodness, king soopers does it for me so all i have to do is shove it in the oven.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

if i ever wear a quilted vest shoot me

today in longmont there is the quilt-a-fair. it was quite the elastic banded lee jeans and walkers vortex. women from all around northern colorado came in for it. i've never seen so much country blue. i also realized i really am out of my element in the quilting world. as much as i love it and everything about it, i'm not quite your typical quilter. i got a couple what-is-SHE-doing-here glances. and when chatting with another woman actually heard the following statement come out of my mouth "i'm not a beginner...i've done carol doak's spinners quilt" with complete and utter annoyance. i think what's scarier is that the woman i said it to knew exactly which pattern i meant. i think that's when my heart stopped for a second. not with excitement like a heart normally stops, but with fear because i realized in order to box out this woman i whipped out my quilters resume complete with the pattern's creater. how quilt-nerdy is that?!
i DID however, find the pattern for my girl quilt. it's not tricky but it's curvy and really beautiful and i can't wait to start it but i will finish my boy quilt first since, in my hopeless state, i feel as if i have YEARS to finish both.
oh-and jpants-i saw your pattern twice and neither one of them came CLOSE to how pretty yours is. why do these people think everything is better in beige and hunter green?


we finally got our tickets for thanksgiving to fly back to florida to see family. everyone but dan & jenn and their two. that sucks. but i'm excited to see everyone else. but...bummer news is that it is going to cost us as much to get both me & paul there as it will to get just tatum there. so unfortunately, she's going to have to stay back at grandma & grandpa's kennel. poor baby. she LOVES to go see uncle buddy and miss cookie at their kennel but uncle buddy and miss cookie don't quite share her sentiments about the time together. i've mentioned tatum's exuberance for life before right? well older dogs don't necessarily feel the way she does. i hope it's a good week. i will miss her SO much. i hate leaving her behind and being with out her.
we have realized she speaks more english than we realized. now when you say "you gotta potty?" sometimes you get nothing. but if you follow that up with "do you have to poop?" you get a quick yes-bark. yesterday i was talking to her and she was barking back and i was saying responses like "really?" bark "all of this today?" bark "my goodness what happened next?" bark bark "and then what did you say?" bark. but when i said "no!" as if in disbelief she gave me the sideways glance as if to say "i'm sorry, i thought you were following." and i realized my "no!" as if in disbelief sounds to her just like my "no!" of don't you do that again. so we resumed the conversation of "and how did you feel about that?" bark "my goodness really?" bark bark. she's so dang cute.

Thursday, September 25, 2008


i haven't really had much to post lately because nothing has changed. i'm still down and now i realize that a year ago i thought "well a year from now this will all be over and i'll have my baby." and now here i am, a year later and nothing. not even hope. so it leads me to believe that next year will be no different. and it makes my already hopeless situation feel even more hopeless, because i can't even tell myself anymore "a year from now it will all be different and i'll have my baby."

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

you can't handle the TRUTH!

i mean really. who didn't see this coming?

i think it was a smidge more shocking that CLAY AIKEN got a kid before me!!

here's the link if you need the juicy details.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

real quick

tatum has 2 things that she's been doing lately that i think are so cute.
one is that she always has to stop and smell black eyed susans. other flowers, not so much, but black eyed susans ALWAYS.

two is that when she's really proud of herself after she's pooped, she puts the leash in her mouth and hops all the way back home.

Saturday, September 20, 2008


i finished my quilt top tonight. thank GOODNESS! now i can have my spare time back, and i can do the dishes again, and i might even cook this next week. and, i didn't think this was possible but i finally bored paul out of tv today. he's been watching tv since i started the quilt. normally on the weekends i have a laundry list of things to do and lately it's just been sew sew sew. today he finally said "i'm getting antsy, i want to do something." but then couldn't find anything to do. poor paul. tomorrow we're going to a rockies game so hopefully that will help.

and, i'm so sorry, i logged on tonight and saw 4 comments to post. ?? not sure how i missed them. so sorry! i've been a bad blogger, and again i blame the quilt.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

so close and yet so far

i talked to my OB last night. she said she can do the surgery and get it covered 100% but, now insurance has tacked on a $500 "facility co-pay" that is not mentioned anywhere in our co-pay information or paperwork on this insurance. in case anyone is wondering Cigna sucks, don't EVER take their insurance no matter what they promise you up front. they are bold-faced lieing.
i don't know what we are going to do. now we're talking about giving up on this whole baby thing and going to italy. i may or may not come back.
i know what you're thinking...
1) keep trying, kids are worth it.
response: at this point it's less heartache and the same money to just get another dog.
2) you haven't been trying long enough.
response: yes we have.
3) you haven't tried everything.
response: i'm too tired at this point for bigger hopes resulting in deeper heartache.
4) just keep praying.
response: shove it.
5) but you've come so far.
response: and my heart has the scars to prove it.

my color test results

sorry-didn't think to tell you all my results. here they are:
key words: self-control, practical, self-contained, orderly, systematic, precise, and accurate.

These conservative appearing, plotting-types enjoy organizing, data systems, accounting, detail and accuracy. they often enjoy mathematics and data management activities such as accounting and investment management. Persistence and patience allows them to do detailed paperwork, operate office machines, write business reports and make charts and graphs.

Suggested careers are Administrator, secretary, printer, paralegal, building inspector, bank cashier, private secretary, statistician, operations manager, financial analyst, bookkeeper, medical records technician, developer of business or computer system, clerical worker, proofreader, accountant, administrative assistant, banker, certified public accountant, credit manager, store salesperson, actuary, dental assistant, business education teacher, food service manager, IRS agent, budget analyst, and underwriter.

Your very careful, conscientious, conservative nature gives others the confidence to trust you with handling money and material possessions. Structured organizations that have well-ordered chains of command work best for you.

Suggested Organizer workplaces are large corporations, business offices, financial lending institutions, banks, insurance companies, accounting firms, and quality control and inspection departments.

2nd Best Occupational Category
You're a CREATOR
key words: nonconfomrming, impulsive, expressive, romantic, intuitive, sensitive and emotional
These original types place a high value on aesthetic qualities and have a great need for self-expression. They enjoy working independently, being creative, using their imagination, and constantly learning something new. fields of interest are art, drama, music and writing or whether they can express, assemble or implement creative ideas.

HAAA! I just switched jobs from being an Escrow Officer where I was in charge of maintaining the bank accounts with millions of dollars coming in and going out every day. I secretly hope to be an accountant some day. I switched jobs so I could learn something new.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

my soul

ever take one of those random tests on the internet that makes you feel like someone is looking right into your soul and then publishing it for all to see. i thought this was a farce when i read that they can do tests where you pick your favorite and least favorite colors and then it tells you what job would be perfect for you. until i did it and it explained what i do and what parts of it i love etc. kinda freaked me out. click on that link and pick out your favorite colors to see where you should be.

the wild woman

today was day care day. as i pulled up 10th street to mrs doolittle's i saw a little blonde thing running along side the truck. i had to take the truck today since my cute little button of a car honda civic was being serviced. anyhow, i slowed down and the little blonde thing turned off down a side street so i figured he knew where he was going. then i got tatum down out of the truck and turned around to see the little blonde thing sitting at my heels as if to say "hi! who are you? i've been waiting for you." so i looked up the street in both directions, nobody. then another day care mommy came out and said "it's a handful with 2 huh?" and i said "well, he's not mine, he was running along side me when i pulled up and when i got out he was just sitting here." so we took tatum off the leash and put the mystery blonde dog on the leash. he had his tags, but no name or number. i figured mrs doolittle would know him. but she'd never seen him. we called animal control and gave them the license number and found out he's a puggle and his name was chewbacka and his mommy lived up the street. they even gave us her number. so we called her and sure enough she was looking for him. longest 10 minutes of her life probably. so me and chewie walked to the end of the block to meet his mommy, and hopefully not his maker because i have a hunch he's been in trouble the rest of the day. i got back in the truck thinking a year ago i was praying to find a random stray dog but now that i have tatum i'm fine giving back stray dogs. she's a one dog show at our house and i think she likes it that way. when i picked her up at noon i got the "heehee-wild woman" report again. oh well, gets the energy out.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Insurance and no HSG

so...remember how i told you i was getting that hsg taken care of this month? well turns out my new insurance doesn't cover ANY diagnostics. and i have already had blood drawn 3 times this month and an ultrasound. all of which will be coming out of our pockets now since insurance doesn't cover anything.
i pretty much just want to crawl back into my hole. i'm NEVER gonna get a baby.

spreading the love

in my quilting days i have spread the love of quilting to quite a few others. my sister-in-law, who taught her sister and 2 more friends. my husband's cousin. a neighbor girl in florida. my neice. and a friend from champaign (erica peters mongelli for those of you that know her) and she made this quilt for her mom as a thank you for everything she did in planning her wedding. she's not done with the binding but didn't it turn out great. this is a VERY tricky pattern because of the curves, so to do this for your first and it turn out this beautiful is amazing.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

seeing stars

lookie lookie! i got another row done. yesterday i spent all day (i know, pathetic) picking out fabrics and cutting them for the rest of the quilt. then today i sewed together the 3rd row. now this week i'll work on the last row and then the border. i usually just do solid fabrics but i think i'm gonna give it a little bling. no, i'm not going to use a bedazzler. i'm just not going to make it plane. i'm so excited and i just can't hide it. i know i know i know and i think i like it.
for those of you that haven't been around for previous quilts, it usually takes me a weekend, or at most a week to piece together a quilt top. but since each of these blocks has 48 pieces, i guess i really can't wonder where the time went.

day 3 and all that comes with it

today is day 3 of my cycle. that means blood work and an ultrasound. so this morning we drove to littleton. it's about an hour south of where we live. the office close to me is only open monday through friday so we had to go all the way down there. we decided to take little ms cutie patootie mcfattyfeeterson with us. (i love giving her nicknames.)
before i go on, i have to say, sometimes i can be downright too quick to judge. i know this does not shock some of you. i walked in, and we were running late because google said it would take an hour and 2 minutes going down broadway. i thought if we took the highway it would be quicker. turns out it was still an hour and 2 minutes. i walked in and the receptionist just rubbed me the wrong way. i don't know why. we were both forcing our pleasantries but i could tell i rubbed her wrong as much as she rubbed me wrong so we just pushed our ways through it until we could ignore each other for the duration of my stay. i told her i was there for bloodwork and an ultrasound. it was 10:10 when i got there. (this will be crucial to the story in a minute.) then paul came in and we were chit-chatting and i got emotional. nothing triggered it, i just got emotional. fertility friends: could this still be the clomid from last month creeping up on me? then the ultrasound technician called me back. she had the best northern european accent. i had tears in my eyes and she asked me what was wrong. of course, i have NO explanation at all. i said "oh this is all just too much sometimes. i'm fine." so then we get down to business. i won't explain any further for my male readers, my female readers know exactly what i'm talking about. she said my follies look great. i have a bunch of them, but i did last month too and only one eggie transpired out of it. she then looked at my left ovary and i said "now don't panic..." because i didn't want her to be afraid to tell me since i was already in tears "...i have a huge cyst on the left ovary but it's been there for over a year." she measured it and it was 1.5 cm by 1.5 cm. last month it was 1.8 cm by 1 cm. sooo...it's kinda better i did notice that she measured it diagonally and last months tech measured it square on, so that could explain. but the good news is that .8 vs .5 means that it shrank .3. you follow me right?! so i'm hoping all of your prayers are making it heal up because even though i'm a pessimist i do believe in prayer even though i myself don't hold out much hope. i then asked her if she thought my ovaries looked at all like they could be PCOS-y. i told her my bloodwork does not show PCOS but the lafayette tech said she thought maybe they looked a bit like it. she said she didn't think so and that my ovaries look great even with that cyst on there. two words: YIP!EE!!
then we go downstairs to get my bloodwork and the blood lady (sorry jpants-what are you guys called?) said "oh i stop drawing blood at 9:30." remember when i said i arrived at 10:10 and the receptionist did NOT mention to me that i needed to hustle my little, ok not-so-little-anymore bootie downstairs to get my blood drawn? so again, the receptionist is still rubbing me the wrong way even from a floor away. i panic instantly. i get that skill from my dad. i said "but i'm on day 3! what do i do? i have to get the blood drawn today!" she said "well i'm only here because we were slammed today." and i said "so what should i do?!" she said "well, i can draw it but it won't be ran today." i said "i think it's just more important that it be drawn today, i can wait for it to be run." so she says "ok, let's just draw it....i normally don't draw after 9:30" i said "i'm sorry. i'm a lafayette patient, they didn't tell me that i had to be here before 9:30." at this point i'm full on crying, not just tearing like i did to the ultrasound nurse. then she started apologizing all over herself. 90% of this breakdown was me, not her. I told her "oh no, don't worry about it, i'm just extra emotional today, it's me not you." she softened up pretty quickly when she realized it was just gonna be one of those days or me.
after all that we went to krispy kreme. some days you just need one. i was hoping they had the pumpkin spice donuts out because it's not officially fall until the pumpkin spice donuts are out at krispy kreme. no luck. at least not at the highlands ranch store. that's my day so far and it's not even noon. i'm going to work on my quilt. i finished picking out and cutting up all of the fabrics yesterday so now i can just sew my little heart out for the rest of the day.

Friday, September 12, 2008

this month's plan

this morning i woke up to tatum scratching and 2 quick barks. that means "i gotta pee NOW!" unfortunately she's a sound sleeper and every now and then wakes up with out any warning from her bladder. so by the time i got up and dressed for our morning walk i was already too late. you can always tell when you're too late when you walk in the room to let her out and you can see tufts of her hair sticking out of the crate door. she always tries to get out of there as quickly as she can by pushing her head against the crate door. when she's peed in there she acts like the crate has been invaded or as if someone else peed in her crate. i'm not sure she's quite figured out that she is the culprit that pees in her crate every now and then. anyhow, we went walking, and i have to admit, i was a little startled at this myself. we were walking up a street and saw two frozen in bronze children at play. it was creepy. tatum caught glimpse of them out of the corner of her eye and froze in mid-stride and started growling, then barking. at 6:20am. it was so funny and i could not convince her that they weren't real children.
enough cute news...i got the ole "." so we're off to the races again this month. here's the plan so i don't have to update everyone seperately and you can know how to pray. again. sunday morning at 10am i have an ultrasound. i'm not sure what they are looking for, probably cysts. after that i will take clomid this month. my side effects are hot flashes and headaches and sometimes i get somewhat more emotional. other friends of mine have crazy spells and luckily i didn't have that this last month so i'm hoping for the same. then next week i will schedule the hysterosalpngogram. i know what you're thinking. "the HUH?!" ya, i know, it's commonly called the HSG test. this is a very painful test. ok, they say it should not be and i think 1 of my 20 friends that have had them said it didn't hurt. the other 19 took vicaden or tons of ibuprofin before hand to dull the pain. the HSG test is a test where they shoot dye up your hoohah and then watch where it goes. that tells the doctors if there's any blockage or of there's other issues that just can't be seen on the ultrasound. a lot of women have been able to get pregnant the month after the HSG because it opens everything up. this is NOT, however, a guarantee that i will instantly get pregnant or that they will find anything so let's not get our hopes up. i'm just giving you the facts. even though this is a painful test, i want to do it before we pay for another IUI out of pocket. we could do IUI's until we're blue in the face, but if i have blockages, there's no use. so i really need to do the HSG to rule out any problems before we move on to more IUI's etc.
so that's the scoop. hope it makes sense. if not, feel free to ask questions on this post, i know it's against the rules, but i know this is kind of confusing.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

almost tah-dah

here's the top half of the quilt. it has 6 of the 12 stars it will have. it will be 3 across, as you see here, but then it will be 4 down. the only thing is...argh...is that green square...see with the scottie dog tips? it's not completely square and the edges are off kilter. i remember mudders critiquing her own quilts like this and i thought she was crazy for seeing any problems. now i understand. i'll just embrace what the amish say "to make it perfect is trying to be god." that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

she's a big kid now

tonight is a special night. tatum ran out of food last night and we realized, it's time for her to graduate up to doggie food instead of puppy food. it's easier for me if i call it doggie food and not just dog food. so we went to petco and got a bag of her normal puppy food and a bag of her new doggie food. and a pigs ear for good behavior. best $1.49 i've spent all week. she's so excited about her new food. now let's just hope she doesn't puke it up like everything else she eats that isn't eukanuba puppy food.


today was a little easier. i only cried when i had to gush over baby clothes and i did so good to gush and then walk back to my office and only tear. no sobs. and then i think my boss realized how truly hard this all is for me. she apologized and told me she had a dream that i had a baby of my own. i love hearing about that because i'm a big beleiver in dreams. i used to have recurring dreams that children, toddlers really, they could walk but never talk, and they would come up to me looking for help finding their parents. then i would spend all night looking for their parents but never found any of them. finally in one of the dreams i was walking out of a town, sort of like a mass exodus, and there was a kid and he was with a social worker and i said "i'll take him. and i'll take really good care of him." and the social worker said "no, you're not fit." and i said "no really, i know you don't know me very well, but i'll be a good mother, i really will." and he said "no, you'll never make a good mother." it was awful. and after that i never asked in my dreams if i could be a mother.
then when we were moving from florida to colorado i went forward at church to ask if they could pray for us in deciding our housing situation. i hadn't told anyone about the miscarriage because we started going to that church after the miscarriage and, you know, those things just don't come up in conversation with strangers. anyway, these two ladies started praying for me. one knew me a little better than the other and she said "and i don't know why i feel the need to pray this but..." (then she put her hand on my abdomen-ya-weird but it didn't creep me out)..."i just want to pray that your uterus be healed and that you have the quiver full of children that you want and whatever issues are going on be completely healed." and the other woman then prayed "and i just want to put a hedge of protection around your thoughts and visions." that church was really into dreams and visions. it really freaked me out because i had never told anyone about those dreams except paul. and do you know, since she prayed that i haven't had one of those dreams. i did dream after that that i had a baby of my own. only for 10 days, i'm not sure why. but it was my own. i gave birth to it and i was a mother. if even only in my dreams.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

the VERY low down

alright. i haven't posted because i've been crying for 2 days straight. i did good today and made it all the way to 5:30 before bursting into tears for an hour straight.
i tested yesterday morning and of course got nothing. i then spent an hour and a half laying in bed sobbing before i HAD to get ready and pull myself together for work. i had 15 minutes to look like something. i did good. i got makeup on. got to work. said my 'mornings. (i don't say good morning if i don't mean it, i just say 'morning and let people assume.) then i don't know what happened. i was sitting at my desk at work and burst into tears at 9:00. it was the quiet kind of sobbing tears and i was thankful, for the first time, that my office is farther away from everyone else's. they each came by one by one to say their good mornings and i did good for a minute just giving them the back-handed wave. but then one of the guys, the son, came in and sat down in the chair directly in front of my face and said "so how was your weekend? WHAT'S WRONG?!" he knows i've been in and out of the doctors office every ten minutes this month but i didn't tell him because he's living with a girl, he's young, he doesn't know all this girl stuff that goes on yet. i tried to be vague but it just made it more confusing so i said "we've been trying to have a baby for a year and a half and now we need medical intervention to get pregnant and that's what i went through this month but i found out this morning it didn't work." and his face just dropped. that's all that i said. he gave me a hug and then i tried to change the subject to work and then he went back to his office. then jeff came by. "hey cheri...WHAT'S WRONG?!" he's the one that knows. i just said "it didn't take." and he knew exactly what i meant. i then spent the next hour trying to pull myself together to no avail. then my boss came in. i SO did not want to be crying when she got there but when i cry my entire FACE turns beat red and puffs up like a puffer fish. luckily i don't have spikes on my face or i'd really be a treat. she said "oh no! something happened! what is it what's wrong?!" and i told her everything. she knew before she hired me that we were wanting to start a family but since she's been out of the office for 3 weeks she did not know about all of the doctors appointments and blood work and new diagnoses that i have to choke down every 3 days. she said "you know i am adopted. did you ever think that maybe there's a baby out there that with out you has no hope?" and i said "yes but we can't afford it, it costs anywhere from $8,000 to $40,000 and we don't have that. ivf is just as expensive and we won't have the money for another iui until next spring." she just sat down and i could tell her little wheels were spinning how she could fix this. she's a realtor and therefore a negotiator. she was so sweet, she even sent me flowers later in the afternoon to "brighten my day." how cute is that?
then came today. i did good. i went into work. no tears. then my boss came in and said "i know this whole baby thing is tough for you and i know it will be your time soon but i have to show you...i became a grandma again last night." and then she showed me all the pictures of her grandbaby that was born just 12 hours earlier. how could i say anything after how nice she was yesterday? but then she went on to beam all day on the phone to people that she became a grandma last night. it was really tough. not because she became a grandma, but because for another month i won't be able to put the twinkle in my mom's eyes because i made her a grandma again. and since everyone else is done having kids she won't be a grandma again until i have babies.
but. i made it through the entire day with out crying and then got to my car at exactly 5:31 and bawled my way home, then laid on the couch bawling until 6:30 when paul came home.
how am i ever going to make it through this?

Monday, September 8, 2008

nobody puts baby in the corner...or a headlock

last night tatum and i had an altercation with a neighbor that we have met before. we were out on a walk and she saw him and got all excited and wanted to go say hi to him and his collie, gracie. he said "is she a puppy?" and i realized he did not remember us. i said "yes, she'll be a year in october." then he was petting her and i was watching them and couldn't quite figure out if the leashes were tangled or just what and he said "i don't like you jumping up any more than she does" refering to his dog. at that point i realized he had tatum in a sort of headlock, with her feet still on the ground but he was pushing her down. i snapped "let go of her. we'll move on." he looked up at me to figure out if i was joking. i have to admit, even i was stunned at the tone of voice that came out of this moma bear. he quickly realized not only was i not joking but i was PISSED. he let go of her as i pulled on her leash and we stomped off on our way. he called after me "she'll grow out of it." i have SO many issues with this.
1) he's not a trainer.
2) if he was a trainer he would know she's a wheaten terrier.
3) if he realized she was a wheaten terrier he would have known that's the "wheaten greeting" they warn people about before they buy them.
4) had he not been holding onto her i would have been able to pull her leash back so that she would not jump up on him as that is what we do until she gets all 4 paws on the floor at which point she is rewarded with slack.
5) she was the timid puppy of the pack, so the fact that she is that excited to see any stranger warms my heart that she has made so much progress in the trust category.
i came home and told paul and he mulled it over for a few mintues then said "do you know where this guy lives?" lucky for him i only know that he lives in "the blue house down the street." well, we live in one of those planned subdivisions, so the houses go terra cotta, yellow, green, blue, terra cotta, yellow, green, blue. otherwise bob would have a black eye today.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

third star

here's the third star which means the first row. 3 more rows and i begin quilting it. that will take a LOOOOONG time. if you click on the picture you can see the fabrics in better detail.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

more on figuring it out

here's the second star. the part i'm the most excited about is that i've had this blue fabric for about 9 years and have never had the chance to make a boy quilt with it. when oliver was born dan and jenn were convinced he was a girl so i was hesitant to put such a commited boy fabric into his quilt. so now i finally have the chance to use it. you should see the way the little cars and trucks and helicopters smile back at you. you can't help but grin.

figuring it out

i'm well on my way to having the quilt started now. it took some finaggling because the pattern in the magazine wasn't working out right. so i had to make some squares bigger and some squares smaller. strange i know, but it worked and for a moment i felt like a genius. i think the lady that put the pattern in there didn't give all the details to the pattern. kinda like those women that give you a recipe but tweek it just a litte bit so that it will NEVER really taste as good as theirs. mmmhmmm...you know what i'm talking about. anyway, i've had this magazine for 5 years for the sole purpose of doing this pattern. that's how long i've been wanting to do it. but it's an "intermediate" pattern. ya, i bet, with the wrong recipe. here's the first star. each star is made up of 4 blocks, so i have 44 more blocks and 11 stars to go. what do you think? does it need more of anything so far? you know i'll be posting more pictures as i go but i'm just so excited to actually have the first star of MY baby's quilt done.

Friday, September 5, 2008

by a thread

well. i tested this morning and it was negative. but then i had to go to the doctor for my blood work and i asked if this blood work could tell yet if i was pregnant and she looked at my chart and said...no...not until monday. and i told her that i tested this morning because i couldn't wait and she laughed and so did the other nurse in the room. so i'm holding onto hope that it's just too early.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

the faith of a mustard seed

that's all i need. i know that because i met jesus in the fabric store tonight. he came to me in the form of a woman with a very lazy left eye, that i first noticed because of her high pitched voice. it all started when i saw fat quarters "on sale". "how much are the 'sale' fat quarters?" i asked. "let me go find out." she chirped in the high pitched voice i first heard when i walked back to my mother ship. (the quilting fabrics section of any store is my mecca.) then she found me after i had had some time to meander through the bolts. *sigh* i love fabrics. when she found me i had 4 more fabrics in my hand, each with different sale stickers on them. she told me that one that was super cute was 60% off the $3.99 sticker. HELLO! there just went my $10 limit i promised paul. but he understands. addictions can't be addictions without enablers right? so me and jesus in the form of a woman with a lazy eye walked up to the cutting counter making chit-chat as i do with all strangers because they all are potential friends. she asked what i was making and for some reason my honesty switch flipped. damn switch, i try to reserve it only for occassions involving 2 or more glasses of wine. but there it was, my response: "my 14th quilt. i make baby quilts for all the babies in our family but at 4 babies a year i decided to stop and make a baby quilt for my baby that i'm not pregnant with yet." what did i just say? oh yes. that's exactly what i said. and she said "well, that's a very good blessing to speak over yourself!" and i looked at her like-she's speaking my language. she then said "are you a believer in the messiah?" "yes." "well He spoke the world into existance and you are doing the right thing to speak that blessing over you." at which point i teared up. right there at the hancock fabrics cutting counter. i can't help it, OR blame it on the clomid. it was just one of those moments. so there it was that i met jesus and realized all i need is the faith of a mustard seed. please god please oh please oh please let this month work out. for those of you that asked, this is a picture of my 'stache or stash. and i added 9 more fabrics tonight for just $12!! ooooo i love fabric.

here's a picture of the eye on the upswing. i tried to take a better picture but she promptly fell asleep after this first picture.

and here's a picture of salty bread from safeway. if you haven't had it, you need to try it. it's so good it made it on the blog.

El Tootamongo

for those of you sitting on the edge of your seat, tatum's eye is healing nicely, per the vet's office, and she doesn't need her eye dialated anymore. (we were having to dialate it every morning.) she now just needs the cream that goes in 4 times a day for the next 2 days and she should be done. and THEN you ask? and THEN she goes to the paw spa in hopes that they can salvage the mats she has built up in her fur. she was just in so much pain with her eye we didn't have the heart to play comb out.


i'm a little disappointed today. i don't think it took and i don't know why i feel that way. i just don't have any of the symptoms that i had with my first pregnancy and it's probably just too early. the embryo doesn't implant until days 6-8 after ovulation. so that would have been in the last couple days and today. i have felt flu-y in the afternoons yesterday and the day before. that achy-i'm-about-to-be-sick feeling. and i've had some dull headaches. and i've been all thumbs and elbows clumsy. but i don't have the sore boobs and i'm not swollen. except my fingers and toes every now and then get swollen but it might just be all the junk food we ate over the weekend traveling.
i don't know. i know this is all way to premature to be disappointed. and maybe i'm just guarding myself since i got my hopes up so high in the last week.
ok-when i re-read this i think i'm crazy for not getting excited about these symptoms. maybe i do have more to hope for than i think. maybe jeff will wear off on me some more today. he has such innocently high hopes. and like my fertility friends say "i need to be thankful and not worry because today i'm [maybe] pregnant."

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


so in the two weeks waiting you dream up all kinds of symptoms and signs that are a sure bet you'll have good news at the end of the 2ww. last night i started feeling like i had the flu. i was kind of excited until i remembered that i'm trying to stay away from soy milk due to the latest research that it messes with fertility. so we've been drinking organic lactose-free milk. not sure if it was the milk or signs in my 2ww. and sometimes if i try ReAlLy REALLY hard i can make my boobs hurt. right now i'm 7dpo (days past ovulation). i still have a week to go. but-i am going to the fabric store on my way home from work tonight to pick out some more purple and orange fabric. i went through my stash last night and i don't have enough of those two colors. sometime i'll show you how i color code my stash. it's rather embarrassing but what the heck i'm baring all on this blog right? i have over a hundred fabrics and i keep them in order of color. it's rather beautiful if i do say so myself.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

quilts and an accidental tradition

this weekend i completed my 13th quilt. 13th?! you say? yes, 13th. and boy was it an accidental tradition that i started. it all began in 2000 when i went to see gina and laura in boston. i took my shoe shine kit and i was going to shine shoes in the subway to make money. i love shining shoes. but it rained the whole time i was there. not constant downpours but every day was drizzly at some point. so that put the kabosh on my shoe shining business. so i was looking for something to do and laura and her cousin karen had these incredible quilts on their beds. they are from connecticut and their mom's or aunts had made them and i thought, well it's just a bunch of squares. i can't sew a dress with curves, but i could sew straight lines. so began my quilting. i made one by hand and realized i really liked it. then i got a book of patterns and i made another one. then i made one for my neice. then my nephew. then my cousin's baby (mudders, my grandma, made the quilt top, i just did the quilting work on it.) then i made one for my husband. we picked the fabrics out at a fabric store in hawaii on our honeymoon. then after the trail i came home and made him a quilt. then i made one as a wedding present for my college roommate. then i took a break for a year. then my brother told me he was having a baby, well, not him, but his wife. then they called to tell me their baby turned into 2. on the same day paul's sister called to say that she too was pregnant. then my other brother called and he was expecting his first. 4 quilts in one year! i was pooped. then my parents lost a very dear friend and i made a quilt for his wife out of his old shirts and pants. that was a very meaningful quilt and that one will always have a special place in my heart. i loved doing that one. all of my quilts have been gifts but that one was a real gift from deep down inside. i think that was the first time that i realized that my quilting was a gift from god and that by creating all of these quilts is truly the only way i can pass on my gift to others. then finally this quilt that i made this last year and a half. whew. that's that. i don't have pictures of all of my quilts on this computer but here's a picture of the one i finished this weekend:

i was going to take a break for a while but i've decided i want to prepare a boy quilt and a girl quilt for little old selfish me so that i'm prepared when i finally do get my babies. then i'll go back and finish quilts for sophie bee, violet joy, and emerson kate. that way i will be prepared for my babies but i won't feel guilty for leaving the others out that i am skipping over for me. and it's sort of my way of staking my claim that i am going to have a baby. "see? i already have a quilt for it?" i will say.
the boy quilt i'm going to start this week is called "spinners quilt". it will be blues, purples, yellows, oranges and greens. i hope it is as beautiful as my others. but i need more purple quilt. darn, i'll have to go fabric shopping.

weekend update

sorry i've been a bad blogger this weekend. we went to texas to go camping at caprock canyons state park. it was beautiful. like a mini-grand canyon. while we were there we found out that tatum LOVES swimming in the lake, and loves running on the leash dragging me on the bike behind her. if one of the kids is in front of her, even BETTER. we also found out she is a cockle-bur magnet. i'm not sure how...she didn't walk through them, just past them, but ended up with this tangled in her front paws. she had over 20 when i combed her out.
then we went down to the lake. i didn't think to take the camera, but really i would have needed high speed film for you to get the full impact of her cuteness at the lake. she hopped like a little bunny and hopped and hopped and hopped. then when she couldn't hop anymore due to the depth of the lake she SWAM! we didn't even know she could swim. she swam out to where jacob, my nephew, was looking for shells and then realized she couldn't reach when she got to him. i called her back to me and she was trying her hardest but she was tuckered from all the hopping...soon all you could see were the whites of her eyes and the tip of her nose. so i ran out there and scooped her up and brought her back to where she could hop and she was off again. that night she laid like this all evening:

then that night we ate dinner, and made smore's. so yummy. then we all went to bed. not really went to bed, it started out with just brushing our teeth, then one person went to bed, then the next guy, then the next guy. until we were all in bed, having forgotten about the deer bate we left on the picnic table. at 3am i woke up to something eating tatum's eukanuba out of the tupperware that i had left open under the picnic table. for those of you who don't know, tatum can ONLY eat eukanuba. so when we're camping and she runs out-she's out until we get back to a city with a petsmart. so i jumped out and flashed my flash light and i saw eyes and then a huge body looking at me from the picnic table. it ran off and i sent paul out there to salvage what would be left of her food. he couldn't find it so i went out with my flashlight to find her food, a jar of peanuts, a pile of granola bars and some potato chips sitting on the table. oops. so me and paul cleaned that all up real quick and went back to our tent to find our fearless guard-dog anxiously awaiting our return like this:

this morning we woke up to find her eye swollen shut though. poor pooh bear. she scratched her cornea. she'll spend the next few days with her left eye dialated. it looks so bad. i'd take a picture but the light hurts her eyes so we're sitting around in the dark tonight. i never imagined we'd be such suckers for a dog. but she's so cute. i told my mom it's a good thing she's so cute or we'd take her back. her vet bills are running us so much that we are now going to get puppy insurance. can you believe we are the suckers keeping puppy insurance in business? well we can't afford not to at $150 a paycheck. i know, my sister is reading this thinking, just stop taking her to the vet. except that if we had let this scratched cornea go for another day, they'd be removing her eyeball tomorrow. so i can't help it. she's my baby.
WHEW! long post. sorry. see what happens when i don't post for a weekend?