Wednesday, May 26, 2010

is it really bad that....

i like looking at pictures of people who have had kids to see how fat they've gotten? now mind you, i'm no super model. but sometimes it's the only way i can one-up infertility. just to think of how fat others get that DO have babies and how i'll never have to say "i just gained 60 pounds!" my arms aren't defined hardly at all anymore but they aren't THAT flabby. and my tummy isn't an hourglass shape by any means but it's not THAT tubby. i so wrong that i secretly gloat at these things?

Monday, May 17, 2010

the devil's in the details

yesterday was our mother's day re-do since last week i decided that i wanted to celebrate it.
paul was being extra helpful around the house. when sweet pea woke up from her nap he changed her diaper. then later told me she had gotten something on her shirt...he wasn't was either spaghetti sauce, or poop.

then it dawned on me...she had a turkey sandwich for lunch...not spaghetti.


Friday, May 14, 2010

oops-need to clarify post below

i cried yesterday because of our poor little birth dad. not so much about having to cross t's and dot i's. i'm sort of used to that if there is such a thing. i guess i'm now expecting the unexpected. it just breaks my heart to think of our birth dad having to say "good-bye" to the kids and knowing the future is so unknown. we still don't know if and what kind of contact we can have just yet so i guess that's the part that breaks me the most.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

a good cry in the courtroom lobby. yes. that was me today after court.

ugh. so today at court we had a little snafoo. it was realized that our birth parents relinquished too fast and in order for them to relinquish a treatment plan must be adopted. and since there's no treatment plan that will work for them our treatment plan is "there is no appropriate treatment plan." so now we have a new court date next week where the treatment plan of "there is no appropriate treatment plan" will be adopted and then the birth parents can relinquish in one foul swoop. they would have adopted said treatment plan today, except, in an effort to expidite the relinquishment they were instructed not to come to court. so they weren't there and it couldn't be adopted. *sigh* it's like we gotta go over here and dot this i so we can go back over there and cross that t. but basically-if they don't do it this way-then down the road it could be reviewed by a third party and discovered that they were never given the chance to work out a treatment plan in order to get peanut back and therefore appear that the birth parents were strong armed into relinquishing even though this is what they want.
afterwards the case worker, the casa and i went out into the lobby to talk over what all of this means and i burst into tears. suddenly it became so real to me what all our birth parents, particularly our birth dad, has to go through. i just don't want him to have to be asked all kinds of questions about his intentions. i want them to go easy on him. i've been told they will and if the judge isn't easy our birth dad will be protected by his attorney and the case worker. they all want this to be as nice and easy on him as possible. he's a sweet man. he tries. he loves his children. he just doesn't have the parenting skills it takes to raise one baby on his own, let alone TWO babies. i cried so hard the case worker cried. the casa reassured me that he's doing great and is happier now that the decision has been made. i left exhausted. you know how when you cry so hard for so long you just get tired? well i didn't cry so hard i was doing that gasping thing that kids do. but i cried so hard my eyes were all puffy and red and my tears wouldn't stop. i HATE when i cry that hard in front of people that don't know me.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

ok....i'm ready to "celebrate"

so i told paul that he could go on that stupid* harley ride with his friends from work. and at the time i meant it. but i didn't realize a few things. i hate this "holiday". i just do. and i thought we just wouldn't celebrate it because the kids aren't officially ours. but as the day has worn on and i've realized that everyone else that has kids in their lives is able to celebrate, i feel a little...jealous...that's not the word. i guess...left out? i don't know. anyhow. now he's all the way down in stupid new mexico, actually he just called a little bit ago from stupid larkspur. so he won't even be HOME until it's time for sweet pea to head to bed.
but then i heard the jingling tune of the ice cream truck and i have cash. i NEVER have cash. but i do today. so for my very first mother's day i got to get ice cream from the ice cream truck for the very first time with my daughter. it feels so good to call her that even though we're not quite official.

*5 minutes ago you could have replaced all "stupids" with the f-bomb. but then the ice cream truck came by.

Friday, May 7, 2010

i've gained 5 pounds

5 pounds. since peanut came home. he's going to be 3 months next saturday. that's a LOT of weight to gain in that short of time. and i'll tell you why i gained it. but you have to promise not to laugh. i won't know if you laugh or not. i gained it because in my mind i was telling myself "i have a growing baby to feed. i need the energy" (aka-calories). what i forgot to remind myself was that I WAS NOT BREASTFEEDING and i don't need any extra calories. i know. it's ridiculous that i forgot to remind myself of that little tidbit but i did. so i fell off the sugar wagon with a thud and a giggle and i've been eating cookies and treats and worst of all: chocolate chips in a spoonful of peanut butter. UGH!!ever!!
so now i gotta be really good again. and paul's been doing his p90x. he's been getting up at 5:30AM to do it too. i keep telling myself i'll go running in the mornings but then i'm up 2 or 3 times a night feeding mr. man and i'm so tired at 6am when i start rolling around and i end up falling back to sleep until about 7am when paul comes back upstairs to shower AND THEN it's too late because sweet pea starts waking up around 7:30am and paul's gotta head to work. i tried running in the evenings but do you have any idea how hard it is to run with your tummy full of dinner? it's hard. and i like to run far and there's not enough daylight left after dinner and bedtime. so. for now. i'm stuck. i could do the wii fit or do some of my workout videos or get out and go running no matter how tired i am. but for now i'll just remind myself that i don't need any extra calories.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

the elephant in the room. aka. mother's day.

sooooo i hate mother's day the way old maids hate valentine's day. the always elusive, almost there, holiday that i swear was only created to sell more cards and only carried on for generations due to guilt. ok. i'm being dramatic.
the fact is. it's coming up. again. and although things are 99% sure and technically i "have" kids in the home it's still not official. they don't have my last name and therefore, i can't treat them like my kids. i still need permission to cut their hair or get them speech therapy. and until i can take the across state lines with out permission from everyone but god, it won't feel like they are really "mine". it's an awkward holiday. so to celebrate paul is taking a harley ride with some friends from work for the weekend and me and the kids will be alone for the great day. and it couldn't be better. we don't have to address the elephant in the room.
but for family and friends that felt like they needed to call or send cards - you don't have to. if you already have sent the cards - don't sweat it. i can't possibly expect everyone to know all the ins and outs of all my hiccups with infertility.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

love this little baby!

sometimes i can't believe god gave us not one, but two wonderful babies.
yesterday i had my good cry. the they-grow-up-so-fast cry. i sing all the time at home and i just make up whatever song and i heard myself singing "she went from a baby to a little girl right before my eyes!" and i sort of stopped in my tracks and looked up at her and she's just such a little girl now. no more baby. whatsoever. no more toddler sometimes. just this little girl that grows daily and i can't get her to stop and i don't want her to because i know the more she grows the better job i'm doing. but ugh! so hard to know she'll never be as little and innocent as she was the day before. each day she learns knew things and says new words. it just kills me. in a good way.