someone doesn't get to go

it kills me that tatum doesn't get to come with us to illinois this week to see family. we're going to be introducing sweet pea to both of our extended families. tonight we were upstairs packing and she's normally right here with us. i called down the stairs. nothing. i looked in all her usual upstairs spots. nothing. finally i went downstairs and she's laying in the dark with this look on her face. there's no frowny face big enough for how i feel leaving her behind. after all, she is our first baby!!!!

now for what you all really want to hear about....court!

today was court. i could hardly think straight all day. i was shaking. i couldn't eat lunch. i couldn't even finish my cup of morning coffee. let me tell you...it was a BIG day. we got to court with plenty of time. sat in the car and tried to eat lunch. we both got literally 2 bites into our sandwiches and just put them in the trunk for later. we got in there, checked the docket. i looked in the courtroom to see if it looked like an interesting case...seriously....i could spend every thursday afternoon in family court-it's so interesting i have a hard time leaving when my hearings are done. but i noticed it was our case worker. and our GAL. and our BIRTH PARENTS!!! so we rushed inside and sat down and started listening. my hands were shaking so bad i couldn't take notes so i handed the pen and paper to paul and had him try. but then they kept saying stuff and he wasn't writing! so i'd smack his leg and repeat what they said. finally i decided it would be better to have more shaky notes than a few legible notes! so i grabbed the paper back and started writing. they kept debating what our birth mom could understand and what she couldn't. and what services was she utilizing and what she wasn't. back and forth, back and forth. the GAL for sweet's would talk. then the attorney for the parents would talk. then the case worker would rebuttle. then the GAL for the mom would talk. back and forth, back and forth. they weren't sure what she was understanding. then they weren't sure if she could make decisions. finally in one foul swoop it was decided that not only did she understand, comprehend and make decisions just fine but that she wasn't utilizing any of the services she should. the judge said to her "you can't walk away from help and then come to court and tell me you're not getting help. whether you like it or not you need to try." then more court jargon and she said "the court enters the plan of adoption." i was writing so furiously i saw it in writing before my ears could comprehend what i had just heard! but then it felt like "so wait...are they ordering more tests? or is sweet pea going for adoption?" after everyone cleared the room i waited for our case worker to come and talk to us but she went right back in and sat down for her next case. i went over and whispered..."can you explain what just happened to us?" she giggled and came out to the courtroom foyer with us and told us what all this means. now this goes to the judges to set a trial date. our next review date is for sweet pea. it will basically go over everything that has happened for her, much like we do for the parents in the past court hearings. that will be in april. she expects that termination will happen between now and then. so, i think that means that the trial will happen between now and april. but i'm not totally clear on that because i've also been told that can take 2 to 3 months...which adds up since april is 3 months out. in trial it could be ruled that they have done everything they need to do, or that not enough services have been put into place to help, and sweet pea could go back. it's not likely, but it's possible. after that trial AND parental rights are terminated OR the parents relinquish with out a trial the paperwork will begin for us to adopt sweet pea. but until that happens there are literally thousands of details that could interrupt it. another family member could step in and do a home study and be able to adopt her instead of us. and because we are not biologically related, they get first dibs. that's my biggest, and really, only concern. however, i also know the county does one home study at a time. and until the first home study is done, they can't move on to the second or third person that steps forward. we are still waiting for the first person to make some progress on their home study.
next. peanut. i found out today that she is due 3 weeks earlier than anyone had planned. andi found out a notarized plan has to be in writing for it to be "a plan". and that's not happened. i'm not sure if there is time for that TO happen but until peanut is out we wait. and prepare. and that's ALL i know about peanut.

nature vs. nurture....it's probably both.

tonight when we came home i finally had my DSW order. i became a shoe-a-holic while working downtown denver at first american. sweet pea was squealing with delight because up to this point boxes in the mail meant more presents for her. let me tell you she was HIGHLY disappointed to realize that not ONE thing in that box was for her. she looked in the box, then in each shoebox again. then she'd take the shoes out. then she looked at me. finally she put her hands down at her sides and her shoulders just sunk with disappointment. and i said "oh honey. i'm so sorry. mommy didn't order any shoes for you. should we go downstairs and see if we can find sweet pea a new pair of shoes?" "ya." so we went downstairs to our stash and found a pair of shoes i bought her MONTHS ago and they didn't fit tight enough to wear for more than 5 minutes. actually, it was this pair of shoes. after days of trying, i gave up and went to stride right to get her fitted because NO other pair of shoes fit her teeny tiny foot. i'm not sure if her love of shoes stems from her momma or from her being a girl, and girls just love shoes.

peanut progression

well, it turns out there's still questions as to who is going to raise peanut. we, of course, are totally open, willing and hopeful. however, i found out today that if peanut comes to us it will extend sweet pea's case. both kids have to be adopted together. UNLESS the case worker can convince the state to do 2 court cases. and she said it's really hard to get them to understand why one child should be adopted while another child's case stays open. so here's what i can pray-AND IT's a CRAZY PRAYER but god can do some crazy stuff. i'm going to pray that sweet pea's case continues to move forward and that we are able to adopt both children this year. i know it's unheard of but it's how i feel like i need to prepare, and if i'm going there, god's going there with me because i cannot do this alone. and it's a HUGE prayer. with all kinds of answers.

an egg on the noggin

today i got a call from daycare. "hello cheri? is nina from daycare." "is everything ok?" "well.....yes....but sweet pea was playing with three hula hoops and tripped and fell on her face and has a big goose egg on her forehead. and it's bruising." terrific. so i called the doctors office and they said watch her and make sure she is walking normal, she's not sleepy at non-bedtime times, and she doesn't start "acting funny". she's a toddler...define "acting funny". paul picked her up tonight and she was happy as a lark. no problems so far. just a big, swollen, bruised goose egg right on her forehead. poor baby.

a route with a plan

well....i met with the RE today and i am border border border border line pcos. the good news is i qualify for a medication. the bad news is it's still not an answer, but it's something. tonight i start the meds on a very small dose. then if my digestive system can handle it and i'm not making more trips to the bathroom than breaths in the day i'll up to a full dose in a week or so. next step is to do the hsg test. or what i refer to as the blowing-out-my-pipes test. then next month, i'll start a new medicine that is a cousin to clomid. or so it was explained to me that way. the new medicine is actually used to treat breast cancer. NOTE: this does NOT mean i have breast cancer, they suspect i have breast cancer, or i am going to get breast cancer. it just so happens that by accident it also helps women with pcos ovulate and so earned the nick-name of clomid's cousin. why am i not taking clomid you ask? um...because clomid makes me a CrAzY woman! CRAZY! cry ALL month long. and talk about emotional roller coaster. CRA-ZY! i told my doctor this morning that i have that reaction and he said, "then let's do femara." since actually ovulating is the least of my worries, because i happen to be in the 10% of women with pcos to ovulate on my own, i figured i don't care if they give me a sugar pill...as long as there's a plan behind the sugar pill i'll take it. after a couple months of the meds and trying on our own...we do another round of IUI. however, because of peanut's news being soooo incredibly up in the air, i'm not prepared to bring him/her into the fold and then spend a crazy month of his/her appointments and my appointments. it's just too much. so we'll wait until things in the peanut department get a little more settled before doing an IUI month. ok....i think i have enough links for one post.

little person

every day sweet pea becomes a little more and more real. it's funny to see her opinions and developments. and it's funny to see her do stuff only to realize how often we do those same things. just now i covered my mouth and coughed so she covered her mouth and fake coughed. ugh. she kills me with her cuteness. friday night we had a date night and day care let you bring the kids back for a few hours. when we pulled up to daycare at 6:30pm i opened the car door and she put her palms in the air as if to say "what's this?!" i laughed so hard. then i took her inside and she saw her teachers and looked at me like "this is NOT normal....just so you all know." and we all laughed again. yesterday i said to her "where is daddy?!" and she put her palms in the air again and just smiled. we were walking down to the basement and i had given tatum a bath, and she always goes nutso crazy when she's gotten a bath, and i looked at sweet pea and shook my head and said "crazy doggie!" and sweet pea shook her head "no" like she totally agreed. UGH! she's SO DANG CUTE!!! i love the way her eyes turn into upside down moons when she smiles and her cheeks get fatter and fatter every day. the last week she's been singing all the time. singing in her car seat. singing in her crib. singing when she's just sitting around. i sing everything. i sing "let's go to school" or i have another song for "blueberries". anything i'm gonna say i just sing and she's started doing it. last week she fell and hurt herself, and i was comforting her and she saw one of my bracelets on the counter and pointed to it so i gave it to her to help her "feel better". and now when she gets hurt she wants a bracelet. not a band-aid...a bracelet. she is such a joy to spend time with. i love the weekends and miss her all day throughout the week. what a jip that i have to actually go to work.
i keep coming in here and adding cute stuff....she also likes to wear her sunday shoes because of the way they go clickety clack on the sidewalk and REFUSES to be carried when wearing said shoes. UGH! her opinions are so cute. i know-you're all laughing and saying "just wait 10 years..." but for now i'm loving everything about her.

turns out i'm flash gordon

since we got the stepstool for sweet pea to stand on in the kitchen it's helped with her frustration of not being able to see up to the counters. she's gotten pretty good at climbing up. but we're still working on the climbing down. last night i was cutting some avacados for guacamole when i turned around to see her begin to fall off the top step. the next thing i remember i had my hand under her head and was scooping her body off the floor. then i looked around and saw the avacado face down on the kitchen floor and the spoon i was using in the trash can. i do NOT remember lunging across the kitchen but i do remember catching her. wow. i had no idea i could be so fast.
this morning i met with my case worker. we talked about peanut and although i've been told i don't need to prepare and i don't think i do, i think i need to get things in the basement just in case. half the family is committing someone else and the one being committed isn't saying they are willing to help w/peanut. sooooo....gulp.....i think i need to get ready but i don't know. and i keep being told that i don't need to. so confused. every time i think i'm going to get clarification i get more confused.

crazy vivid dreams

last night i had a dream that there were robbers in our house and we were upstairs and paul wouldn't wake up so i went to the top of the stairs and said in my deepest man voice "what are you guys doing!!!!" and i scared them and they ran out of the house.
i just looked online and it says this:
Robbery
To dream that you have been robbed, denotes that you are experiencing an identity crisis or you are suffering some sort of loss in your life. Alternatively, you may feel that someone has stolen your success or has taken credit for something you did.

but then i realized they didn't really steal anything so technically it was an ATTEMPTED robbery.
is it so wrong to be naive all the time?

SWIMMING!!!!!

this morning was sweet pea's very first ever swim lesson. she LOVES the tub so i thought it would be a good thing for her to be able to be comfortable in the water. she was amazing! she cried a little bit-the water was FREEZING! but she did great! whenever the instructor needed someone for an example, she used sweet pea. she kicked her feet. she jumped off the side to me. she put her face in the water, she didn't blow bubbles so much but she'll get there. she laid on her back and kicked her feet. she laid on her tummy and kicked her feet. i can't wait until next week. i already know i'm gonna spend her christmas money from aunt ruth & uncle paul and mudders on new swim lessons once these are over.

this weeks developments

ok...i'm ready to talk about it. i've realized it takes me a few days to process before i'm ready.
this week was sweet pea's review. it was tough. i was there, along with her birth parents, her case worker, my case worker, her G.A.L., her mom's G.A.L., a state auditor, and our casa. it was intense. nobody told me that i was going to have to talk and i didn't know how much or how little to say. and i'm sitting there telling the auditor how she reacts to visits and such and her dad is at the other end of the table. it was just *sigh* tense! i felt really bad but i have to tell the facts and ONLY the facts because they are already in all the court reports. so i can't change the story now, ya know? so anyway...i figured out quite a few things this week that will change the case and i don't know what it means in terms of peanut and/or us. but time will tell and asking questions doesn't help. i just gotta be patient and wait and see what happens. i don't remember praying for patience. ever. well, once, but it was a mistake and i took it back right away-but maybe god doesn't do givesies takesies.

**sorry! people have called to tell me this post was vague. i'm still learning the lines of grey of what i can and cannot share in the foster world. basically though, the parents living situation and relationship has changed. i'm still trying to figure out how this will effect the living arrangements for peanut. i can't share too much....but i hope that information helps. SO sorry to be vague. i did not mean to do that.

on this day in....

2008 we were 5 days into being tatum's parents. have i mentioned what a good doggie she really is? LOVE THAT DOG!
2009 we were sitting in our first of 3 all day classes to become foster parents.
wow...what will 2010 bring?

today i'm sitting at the table with a toddler who asked to sit in her booster seat instead of her high chair to eat her cereal. she only ate 3 bites. thank god daycare serves her breakfast again at 9:00.

UGH! (that's a good UGH!)

can i just tell you that i love my baby for more reasons than i can count. she is so DANG cute!!! now when she hurts herself, or say-drops a package of blocks on her toes, she comes over to me and puts it up for me to kiss it to make it better. and when her soup is too hot she says "ah" (hot) and blows on it now. and when we sit down at dinner she wants to "ay!" every time. even if i just got up to get a glass of water. and after we pray, now she says "ama" (amen). and when she really gets going giggling she snorts. and now you can see her cheeks from the back because she's gotten so chubby. and she shakes her head "no" when she's trying not to laugh so much. and she has THE cutest butt in the world. and when she really wants something and you don't understand she keeps pointing and then finally goes "uuuuuuuuugh!" just like i do. and we have this magnetic writing tablet and i trace her hands, and her feet and once her profile and now she puts her face on a piece of paper for you to trace her profile. i love that she baffles other people and we know exactly why she's doing something and what it means and where she came up with it. and i love when she gets startled she squeezes her eyes closed and her body goes stiff as a board really quick. *sigh* i could go on for days. sometimes i giggle in the middle of the day just thinking about her. she makes us so happy.

my fans are waiting

well now that my fans are facebooking my husband to tell him to tell me to write another post, i guess i'll update you. hi Suma!! :D
when my brother was a baby my grandparents brought him a stuffed beaver from a vacation. he opened it up, threw it on the floor and said "yucky beaver!" my mom picked it up, trying to recover, and said "YES! yucky beaver!" and ever since "yucky beaver" has been my family's code for "i'm sure he/she likes it! but i have no idea what to say!"
that being said...my sister sent sweet pea a build-a-bear for christmas so we've been waiting and wAiTiNg and WAITING for it to get here. i guess it really is true. when you send mail to colorado, once it hits the state line, they pile ALL the mail up in bags, load them onto the back of a donkey, slap its butt and hope for the best. needless to say, i was very glad to see our donkey FINALLY made it. i called my sister so she could get on skype and watch sweet pea open her bear. we tore open the box and pulled out the build-a-bear box. sweet pea kept digging in the packing popcorn. she thought that was the best part. after much coaxing i got her to open the build-a-bear box. she whipped the build-a-bear bunny right onto the floor and went back to digging in the bottom the box. it could not have been scripted better.

this morning i found out that we have a hitting problem at school. i told them at home she gets a time out for that and that is NOT to be allowed. so before i left i got down in sweet pea's level and said "now we don't hit. remember? no hitting today. no hitting miss pratima, and no hitting miss bronwen. ok?.....look at my eyes....ok? now give mommy a hug so i know you understand." and she gave me a VERY reluctant hug. tonight i talked to bronwen and found out that, by golly, she only hit once today and she DID get a time out. it's amazing. bronwen also said "she turns 2 next month right?" and i said "no...not until june!" and she said "wow...she's really smart." and again, i think she's gifted. ha! my mom says everyone thinks their kids are gifted.

answers. i just want answers

you know how in every group of friends there's that friend...and if you're thinking "oh my group doesn't have a that friend", then i've got news for you...you ARE the that friend. well, somehow i've become the that friend in my circle. not my immediate friends. in my infertility friends. and if you're thinking "oh no! it's me!" it's probably not, in fact, you. there have just been so many lately and i'm beyond words excited for all of them/you. however. when we first started all this ttc (trying to conceive) business i thought, well the first one took us all of 1 try, there's nothing to it. then i got to know people. on line, or in real life. and heard their struggles and thought "dang, it sucks to be them. that'll never happen to me." then it became "gosh, i hope i'm not one of them." then it became peeing on sticks. talking to specialists. going to doctor after doctor. reading books. online postings. then finally acupuncture. and now, lastly, the realization that i have become that friend that for no other reason than the gods of fate, or god himself, hate me. i went to the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) this morning and found out some very good news. i don't have pcos. he doesn't think it's my thyroid. everything else seems to be right on target or at worst, middle of the road average. there's no ONE thing that can pinpoint WHY we haven't been able to get pregnant again. which doesn't help at all because now it just means by dumb luck, we are the 1 in 6 that can't get pregnant. and so i'm working today with tears in my eyes and hoping no one gets too close to notice that i am that friend.