allergies suck the life out of me

this last week paul was gone with his harley friends and i took the kids....let me rephrase that....tried to take the kids to a potluck our church did. i love our little church. there are SO many quirky people and we are even quirkier so we sort of blend in. it's refreshing. and bonus almost every family has someone adopted if not multiple someones. this was not why we chose that church, nor why we stay, it's just a bonus. i was exhausted. i picked up a couple bags of fruit because i did not even have the energy to open a bag of chips let alone MAKE something. no sooner did we get there that i remembered why i hate potlucks. peanuts. everything delicious has peanuts, or some for of nut, it in. salads. desserts. sides. desserts. and did i mention desserts? and if it doesn't have peanuts it's got eggs. damn that little hold-it-together-and-make-it-cakey ingredient of eggs. every time i turned around asher was drinking from someone else's cup. some one else who, in my allergy-mom mind, had just eaten one of the amazing looking peanut chocolate chip cookies. at one point he was hovering over someone's plate full of cakes and cookies (made with eggs) and about to put a fistful of straight up peanuts in his mouth when i leaped over 2 lawn chairs and a woman in a wheelchair only to realize he was just looking down into a pack-n-play at a baby. seriously. i couldn't take anymore. i packed up the kids with out much goodbyes because, frankly, i was on the verge of tears. i kept up appearances as long as possible and then walking to my car with a friend i burst into sobs. how much i would LOVE to flag down the ice cream man with out having to read the labels of every thing in his freezer only to pay $3 for the ice pop i already have inside. or to post a picture of my son eating the same gooey nutty ice cream treat with his cousins. or to go to the store and just buy a loaf of bread. just buy it. not check to see if it's got nuts in it, if it was processed in a facility that also processes nuts, if it was processed in a facility that also processes things that also process things that might have come in contact with something else that might process things that process nuts. *sigh* it scares the daylights out of me to think he's going to preschool this year and the school nurse knows (because i've already met her and become face to face friends with her) that i am to be the LAST person she calls if he even touches a peanut. she is to epipen him immediately, call 911 then the president, her husband for all i care, ANYONE that has medical training and me dead last. i was watching the little couple on tlc because aside from a&e it's the only channel i watch and jen/jenn/jennifer was buying a loaf of bread and she picked it up and said "this looks good. let's get this." and put it in her cart. just like that. she just put it. in. her. cart. ????!!!!???? who does that?! oh wait. EVERYONE ELSE BUT ME!!!!! ugh!!!!!! it's just not fair. a niece asked me "why does asher have allergies?" and i said "i don't know." seriously. i have NO idea why someone's immune system must strike them dead because they ate a natural food that came straight out of the ground. no preservatives. no chemicals. just a freaking nut. when we're in the grocery store he walks around pointing to everything that has nuts. except when his little 3 year old mouth says it it sounds more like this: "that has penis in it. that's got penis. i can't have penis mommy. i not eat that because it has penis." to which i reiterate for every stranger around who might mistake that i actually try to feed my kid penis that "nope, that's right...you don't eat that because it has PEANUTS in it. that's right buddy." we sound like some weird after school special. next month i have a referral to a national allergist because baby brother, who we refer to as coach, also has allergies. at 4 months. he's not even on rice freaking cereal and we're on our way to the allergist. i'm so scared. i hope he just has the same and not more or more intense allergies than asher. my poor bugs.