'tis better to have loved and lost....so they say

we have had all kinds of kids live with us in these last few years and it's been amazing. and challenging. some kids come and we can't WAIT for them to go home (teasing...sort of) and we've had others that left too soon. we've had some come when we just couldn't ride the roller coaster of foster care and i felt we couldn't advocate for them the way they needed to be. that was right after we finalized adoptions for karyssa and asher. and we've even had some come that we know will be for a very short time and every time we love them more than we expected and then when they go there's a hole left in our hearts for a while. although the hole never fully disappears it heals up somewhat and we're ready for another go around. but 3 weeks ago today a beautiful baby came into this world. she came to a mother who loves her very much but isn't prepared just yet to do this. i don't know if she will be ready in time or if we will get to keep this little peaknuckle forever. we hope for mom. hope that she is able to overcome what life has dealt her and be the mom peaknuckle needs. but man my heart is breaking because although one side of my heart is pulling for mom, the other side is desperately hoping she lets us do this for her. that's a big request and if it weren't for having our 2 and understanding the connection that is there, yet lost. it IS better to have loved and lost than to get to adopt her down the road and wish i would have loved her more when she was newborn. but it makes everything in me shake with fear that i'm allowing myself to do this once again. i have said over and over for the last couple years "2 is a glorious number. i'm perfectly happy if we never have another." and now i'm faced with this teeny tiny face and she looks at me with such adoration and trust and i don't know how i'm going to make it if she goes home. but i know i would regret it more if i didn't love her with everything i have for the time i get to love her.

big dude

can't say much. as usual. but last week we started getting all these calls. homeless sisters. a 3 year old girl. we said yes to some, we said no to some. the ones we said yes to ended up going to a family they'd lived with before. and then in the middle of monday night crafty night we got a call that went like this "ok, you're going to think i'm crazy but just listen." long story short, we agreed to take a 15 year old boy. he got here, and of course had a different name than we were told. when he walked in with the case worker we said (with dogs jumping all over him) i hope you like dogs! to which the case worker replied "want a 3rd?" turns out our 15 year old has a 17 year old dog that has gone everywhere with him. so...we also have a new dog. right now she's living at our next door neighbors house. they are college kids with no kids and love dogs, so they were awesome to do it until saturday when we can get her vaccinated and move her in with us. but in the meantime she's safe and big dude can see her whenever he wants. turns out, no matter how old boys get they're still tender 5 year old boys on the inside. and he's a lefty just like asher.

a post from karyssa

samy etwymtjywyjtjwytywejmwqmeqwytweyyetywwemmweqjweyejyqeeeeeeeeq77mqqwtmjyjwjwejuekwjhje jhwjjeh dbfhe44hgf4hf g 5 hty45h5tyt3gdgfgnhttmuyuytmyjytm not sure how she got in here and did this in the time it took me to wipe asher's poopy bottom and get him a celebratory marshmellow (potty training treat)...but she did so i had to post.

summer's bounty

the other day karyssa came screaming into the house "he's eating it!!!!" gilligan? asher? something poisonous? WHAT?!?! and this is what came smiling into the house. mmmmhm. see that green on his bottom lip? that's the only evidence we have that a garden EVER grew in our yard this summer. it was a sprig of broccoli the size of my thumb that i'd been nurturing and coaxing with much fail. it was the only thing, besides a few leaves of lettuce and a handful of cilantro that grew and wasn't torn out by gilligan. that dog can NOT ignore freshly watered garden dirt. here is a picture of what's left of our summer bounty. i haven't given up all hope. after all, there are 4 potatoes hanging on for dear life.

keepin' up with the ....who'm i kidding? just keepin' up!!!

it has been a busy month. i do not know why. other than i've been training for a half marathon i'm running in preparation for a marathon this fall that i don't think i'm gonna run. i'm. so. tired. and. i'm getting old. it's true folks. i've been grappling with my own mortality. i do lots of physically challenging things. please don't think i have the body of wonder woman...well, maybe the girthy 80's wonder woman, but not a 2012-hally-barry version by far! but this month, i have begun to realize getting old happens. you lose your shape even if you did not have to give birth. i have the belly of homer simpson regardless of the fact that i ran 6 1/2 miles yesterday pushing a double stroller. *sigh* yup. it's true. people ask me why do you do that? and my answer is always simply "to see if i can." i don't need to do it fastest, or first, or better than anyone else. i just want to see if i can do it. however, the kids have been crazy active lately. and the bigger they get the more self-sufficient they get and the more they can climb or destroy with out any assistance. CRAZY HYPER ACTIVE! last friday, if i had the gas money and the energy...ok, let's face it, just the energy, you would have seen my pictures on the today show monday morning as the mom who left her kids in their rooms and driven to new mexico. it was just one. of. those. days. i chatted paul at 4:30 asking when he would be leaving work and i realized. it's just like on tv-the dad says "i just talked to her an hour ago...and then i came home and the kids were in their rooms perfectly fine but she was gone...no sign of struggle...at least i can't tell with the mess the house is...but she's just gone." and really, mom is perfectly fine, asleep in her car in the parking lot of a safeway 500 miles away in a tear-soaked snotty shirt. and they are her own tears and snot! i know what you're thinking. how could a stay at home mom be so worn out? well, frankly, i'm a stay at home mom. i don't get it. i'm supposed to have all this free time and yet it seems to be sucked into the abyss of past tense on a daily basis. i don't know where the time goes. we get up, we snuggle, we eat breakfast as we see daddy off to work, we go get energy out, we come home, lunch, naptime (which has been renamed quiet time because we don't need naps. rolling my eyes.) then we get up and play in the yard for a few hours, i begin dinner, karyssa gets to watch a movie, daddy comes home, dinner, tub, bedtime, dishes, sweeping the floors, tv for mommy and daddy, bed. what it feels like: wake up, snuggle, negotiate, fight between kids, clean up spilled ________, referee, argue, clean up spilled ________, negotiate, beg and plead, clean up spilled ________, make them eat, clean up spilled ________, bedtime, wake up crying, negotiate, clean up spilled ________, clean up spilled ________, clean up spilled ________, make dinner, negotiate..... you see the pattern. i'm exhausted. and i love it. they are so cute. and their giggles and crisp white baby teeth. ugh! wouldn't trade it for the world. but i am mortal and not sure how i will have the time to train to run this marathon.

crazy creepy purpose

there are times in life that just plain suck. and then there are times in life when you realize what just plain sucked was for a crazy creepy purpose. remember last february when we had 2 brothers for a few weeks? and they were each a month older than each of our newly adopted kids so we had 4 kids 2 years old and under. and it was HARD. but man i loved those boys. they were so cute and rather easy, all things considered. well, baby huey got adopted by his real family last week. by "real family" i don't mean the family he was born into. i mean the family that he was put on this planet for. there are those bumper stickers that are shaped like paw prints and they say "who rescued who?" and i think they should make those with hand prints for couples who had a long hard stretch of road before finally becoming parents. especially for those who have longed for a mother's day to celebrate but have had to swallow the frog in their throat and just get through that damned holiday for one more year. and this year, my friend libby, will celebrate a real mother's day. with her real son! at the adoption party she told me that baby huey, aka gil, has a cousin that was born the day before him. they were watching her niece while the baby was born and had taken her up to the hospital to meet her new baby brother and for whatever reason at the last minute decided to just go on up and visit. at this particular hospital they ring a bell every time a baby is born. which means, she was there when her son was born. she HEARD his bell being rung! it wasn't for 13 more months that she would get to meet him. not for 28 more months before he would become hers. for real and forever. but just knowing she got to be "with" him in a sense when he came into this world is enough to hold onto, and to realize that god does know what he's doing. even though sometimes it's a crappy route for those 28 months in between. maybe i'm too simple minded but it's enough to make me believe there is a god and we all do serve a purpose and he does care about how we get to where he needs us. so happy mother's day and congratulations libby, duane and especially gil! you're where you were meant to be all along!!!! xo

the long version. in short.

today asher decided he's ready to potty train so for rewards he was getting the only candy in the house. the easter candy. in the same bag was paul's easter candy: reese's peanut butter cups. later i was outside getting the baby from the case worker. (yes-we have a placement...that's another post. he's adorable! like a red-headed charlie brown that never stops smiling.) paul was downstairs working on the basement. i came into the house and found 3 empty wrappers and only 1 still in asher's mouth. i know karyssa ate one...so where's the third? i knew he was allergic to peanuts, but he's never reacted. but i've never let this comment out of my head: "you just never know which reaction is gonna be the anaphylactic reaction."

this is the following 4 hours:
red cheeks (not an unusual response to his food allergies.)
puffy lips
coughing
hoarse voice
no voice
glassy eyes
epi-pen search
911
firemen
ambulance
breathing treatment
paul and asher off to the ER
neighbors in my yard with arms out for the other kids
drive to the ER with one quick call asking 911 if i can get a police escort. (i was freaking out and was told those only happen in the movies and he was fine.)
sheepish giggle and realizing i'm freaking out
found him at the ER!
hives
red from head to toe (minus the two areas on his chest exactly outlining his lungs...odd)
puffy puffy puffy
then just puffy puffy
quick education on the difference of allergic and anaphylactic
found out it goes: benedryl, steroids, then epi-pens
benedryl and steroids given
WHOA he doesn't react well to that mix!!!!
peanut scented burps (found where that 3rd cup went)
he went potty on the potty at the ER!
naked boy walking around the ER
fresh diaper located (we only had one!)
craaaaaash asleep in daddy's arms
discharge and home for the dinner i was making when this all began.

WHEW. that's all i can post now. i gotta bag of reese's cups to eat tonight.

and then we were 6

about a week ago i chatted paul to see if he'd ever in a million years consider a westie-poo puppy i saw advertised through a friend of a friend on facebook. he said YES! but no sooner did he say yes than i realized the posting was 2 weeks old and the puppy was gone. so i called the humane society...i figured while the answer was yes, i'd just consider all the options. i told them "my husband and i always like westies...do you ever have dogs in that aren't on the website?" and she said "i've worked here for 4 years and i've seen MAYBE 2 westies come through." long pause and then in a hushed voice she said "but we just happen to have one under anesthesia right now. he came in as a stray from santa fe yesterday and he got nuetered today." after talking she said i could wait for his picture to come up on the website or i could put a $15 deposit on him and they could hold him for us to come see him.
i went down to see him and i didn't instantly fall in love. i just couldn't picture my house with another dog, a dog i knew nothing about, in it. but he was cute. he reminded me of my sister's dog who just passed away this last year and he was an amazing dog. because of his surgery we couldn't see him beyond just looking into his cage at the humane society. the next morning i took asher and tatum back down there. they brought him out and he played really well with asher. REALLY well. the thing you have to know about asher is that he is NOT good with pets, especially pets that have hair long enough to grab into a fisthold. it makes me so mad. i HATE when he's mean to the dogs. but we've been shouting "GENTLE HANDS! GENTLE HANDS!" when we can see it coming. and he did gentle hands with this new dog! with out being prompted. then they brought tatum out and she stood still and cold as a cucumber. she tightened every muscle in her body as if to say "how dArE you???" then we let them off leashes and she nipped him a couple good times, he gave her a play bow and let her take the alpha role and then they played like they've been missing each other for years. i've been wanting to get a dog for tatum for a couple years now. she's gotten more and more timid as she gets older and everyone i described her behavior to said "she needs a dog!" that night paul came to meet him and agreed that he was game if i was game. and so we named him gilligan and brought him home. here's a picture i took that night.

and here's what he looks like a week later after a good scrubbing and WAY more comfortable.

he has been so funny to have around. they guessed his age as 1 year and i think they are pretty close. he still chews alot so i know there's alooooot of puppy left in him. but he sleeps all day too (hopefully that doesn't mean he's growing!). i got him a BIG bag of bones last night and he's already eaten 2 of them. he's such a great playmate for tatum. he's shedding which i am NOT a fan of but i need to bathe him really good and it's spring. he's a wire haired dog so that should stop. he comes to his name and obeys some commands...not all. he can NOT figure out sit but i'm hoping tatum will show him the ropes with that one. karyssa has claimed him as her dog and after the first night when the shedding began paul said "well, it's up to you...i mean...i think he's cute but ...." so i guess it's a done deal. paul is hooked. he comes home and gets right down on gilligan's level and coos and greets him. gilligan has a little doll that he keeps pulling out of the toybox. he does it so gingerly and never chews on it...just snuggles it. he pulls the pillows down on the floor because he's learned he is not allowed on the futon even though tatum is. if i leave a blanket on there he'll pull that down too. and when he gets scolded he smiles. no lie. i wish i could get a picture of it. he pulls his lips back so that all that shows is just the very tips of every single tooth. it is adorable and makes me giggle even when i'm scolding him. if i forget to feed him breakfast he will help himself to ours if i don't clear the table right away. he's getting cuter and cuter every day and i am slowly falling more in love with him. he's gonna be a good dog...i just have to get over the part where there's actually two dogs in my house!

the most interesting thing i will ever find in bushes ever.

the other day i was looking at the new flowers that are popping up all over our yard. some of which i did not plant. and then i found this stray piece of paper in my bushes. dang it! i hate how the wind is pushing all the garbage all over...until i started reading what it was. this was no grocery list or note to self. this was almost the most interesting page i have ever read. and so i saved it to share with you:

page 533
...his son, so maybe it wasn't. if he was 21, he was just barely 21!

3-17-92
i called devere sunday night. his mother answered. he said his kids, his mother and aunts and ucles were there. wedding reception? i told him to call me back when he had time to talk. he hasn't yet, of course. the thing is, i didn't really believe he was getting married. i don't know if it was a bluff or if he was playing a card. whatever it was, he got me to fold! i'm certain it was for the best.

3-27-92
devere hasn't called. ray hasn't called. tom hasn't called. i shouldn't be depressed. i'm not.

we've been really busy. i worked last saturday and will again tomorrow. debbie and i worked until 8:00 or 8:30 three nights this week.

right after i got home saturday diane called. i went over and helped them move. sunday i went and helped her clean the house in [my neighborhoods name]. their house in berthoud is real nice.

sandy called me tonight in tears. she had yesterday off, michael didn't come over. he said he was going fishing. she thinks he lied and has taken his wife somewhere for the weekend. she says she can't take the loneliness. i told her she could if she made up her mind to live without him and live

page 534
her life for herself. when she decides to be alone, the loneliness comes seldom and is less empty. she also said she writes how she feels, i asked her if she wrote it with the intention that no one else would ever read it, or with the thought that someone else would. she said she writes it to michael. i suggested she start writing for the purpose of identifying her thoughts and feelings. she still thought of giving them to michael even when she thought she was going to write just for herself.

5-13-92
this is becoming a sex journal! i don't write until i've gotten laid!

on my birthday, debbie and scott and i went to the day races in loveland. we lost.

i went to an ABWA seminar in boulder (i've forgotten when it was). they auctioned a balloon ride. i bought it for $310.

the channel 6 auction was the end of april. i bought a lot of things. the most exciting was a $515 pentax camera for $275.

i was going to have easter because niki said "betty always has easter". on wedensday before mama called to ask me if i'd be mad if everybody didn't come to my house for easter. randy has had spots on his lungs for four years. when they first found them the doctors said it was...

seriously and for real i want the other 532 pages of this bad boy.

Asher's Birthday

I LOVE birthday parties for my kids. Each year we try to tone it down more and more. This year Karyssa will be four and I am going to TRY and only have 4 little friends over (one for each year.) But I LOVE the look on the kids' faces when everyone sings happy birthday. UGH! priceless!
This year we had our parents and a few buddies that are Asher's age come over and I did an airplane party for him. Cupcakes, a fruit plate and these bad boys.

They actually were delicious and actually took me all week to figure out. I know about the gum and life saver planes, but everybody was 2...so that didn't really work. I walked up and down the candy aisle and came up with this.

First the wheels didn't stand up with icing. Then they fell flat on the bottom. Then I decided to melt chocolate chips, dip the M&M's and set them side by side on the bottom of the twix bar. Then let them cool in the fridge for a day. Wah-lah! It worked. Then the icing worked to attach the graham cracker wings and the propeller pretzel. Honestly, if I would have had enough chocolate I would have done melted chocolate for all 3 parts but...they tasted delicious and lasted long enough for the party so that's what I did.

This was the look on his face when we sang Happy Birthday and everyone got to the "Dear Aaaaaasheeeer!" part. UGH! my favorite part!!! I love that little man!

almost to normal and CELTIC IDEAS!!!!!

today we had another evaluation for the public school speech therapy. the first time we went i kinda got the feeling karyssa wouldn't qualify. i was so excited. but today it sounds like she actually will. *sigh* let me just clarify. i am all about early intervention and whatever will help to do it early so we don't have to do it so long. but it felt SO nice to have a "normal" stamp on our passport. time will tell...maybe she still won't qualify and to that i will say "WAAAAAAHOOO!!" even though it means we would continue paying for preschool ourselves. i will gadly play each month if it means we can be tagged "normal".

then i took her to preschool and asher and i had a date at the library. he has recently in the last couple weeks fallen head over heels in LOVE with books. i am loving it as it means he will finally sit still long enough for me to read to him. he would let me read to him in bed but sometimes i would start the first couple pages and then just turn out the lights and say goodnight. he was so squirmy he wouldn't listen. then as he got older he'd listen in bed, if he was tired, sucking on a passie, and moments from passing out. now he'll bring me books all day long. his favorite is goodnight gorilla. especially after my friend gina told me her daughter charlotte, who is a couple months older than asher, had figured out that there's a balloon on every page. the same balloon that gets farther and farther away as the story goes on. asher LOVES this aspect and he now sleeps with goodnight gorilla for every nap and bedtime. last night we couldn't find it so he slept with goodnight moon and woke up at 2am to let me know he was sleeping with goodnight moon and NOT goodnight gorilla. at 2am i don't much care. goodnight ASHER!!

anyway-long tangent to: i took him to the library for some alone time with me and after picking out a book he won't read anyway (as it's not goodnight gorilla) we went upstairs and i found this book in the quilting section.
*GASP* MORE celtic quilting?? where's celtic quilting?? i love celtic stuff. LOVE IT! after i finish my cousin lauren's quilt i have her brother tristan's quilt. and these are my ideas for that bad boy. it's a FUN quilt. black. LOTS of black. i can't wait. it's so manly and gorgeous and i love quilting this stuff so i'll be able to whiz through it. but first i'm doing a quilt for little ole me. can't wait though. his quilt has me quite motivated to keep working.

inside a white block with black thread. oh ya, i'm that bold. can't WAIT.


on a black border with the same black thread. oooo! like a hidden secret with tons of detail. i love surprises you have to search for.


and this along the border of the blocks and along the border of the quilt, somehow intertwined with itself all the way around...gotta figure that part out but i think i have an idea.


can't WAIT. after may, when lauren gets hers, i can post pictures of the finished product. my grandma has already told me lauren won't get to see it until after mudders sees her walk across the graduation stage. so i can't post pictures yet. ok...munchkins are into something. gotta run.

and cue hoarding. i refuse for this to be a "thing"!!

the last few days have been hectic around here. karyssa had more play therapy. i've been given a book to read and it's actually really helpful. it's called "beyond consequences". it's more for attachment issued kids, which we don't really have, buuuuuuut lately (since decembers birth family visits) we've been having a hard time throwing away wrappers. i watch hoarders with my jaw on my lap. so the thought that someday we could be going over to camera crews on karysssa's front lawn and dead cats buried under piles of newspaper clippings in the family room had me motivated. almost.
as she was leaving play therapy she wouldn't throw away the juice box her therapist had given her. the therapist looked at me and said "does she always have trouble throwing things away?" *sigh* "yes...treat wrappers, gum wrappers, that kind of thing." i had noticed it. i didn't want to face it yet. i didn't want it to be a "thing" we were going to have to deal with but it was out there now.
the book touched on hoarding so i tried it with karyssa. "i know you want to keep the wrapper because it reminds you of the treat, but just because you throw away the wrapper doesn't mean you have to throw away the treat...can mommy throw the wrapper away for you?" "ya." *whew*

today she started preschool. i sent her upstairs to pick out an outfit. later i went up to check on her and she came bolting out of her room, in a combination that made my eyes water, and said "i need a bow!" technically her outfit should have worked, flowers on bottom, butterflies on top but wow-totally different color schemes and styles. i didn't want her going to her first day looking like an elderly asian woman so i picked a couple plain patterned pants and she chose between them. thank goodness. i did good when it was time to leave. i lingered for a while but then i was starting to tear up. instead of sitting in the corner of the classroom clinching onto asher and sobbing silently i decided we'd better get while the going was good. i walked up and said quickly "see you in a few hours sweetie" and bolted quickly!! i cried all the way to the car. all the way out of the parking lot. and then took asher to the rec center for some one-on-one mommy and swimming time. i admit, i cried just a little bit in the pool. he LOVED it. although he's been itching ever since. poor guy and that dang eczema. afterwards i put him in childcare and worked out on my own. when i picked him up i said "you ready to go pick up karyssa?" and he shook his head no! HA! he LOVED karyssa being in school.

he's become SO opinionated. when karyssa poops on the potty she gets gum. well, asher thinks he deserves a piece just for being cute. i started it with chocolate chips so it's partially my fault that his cuteness reward has carried over when the ante got upped to gum. yesterday she pooped on the potty while he was still asleep. when he woke up and discovered she'd pooped with out him he stood under the gum cabinet crying until i clarified "so you think you deserve gum for karyssa pooping on the potty?" he stopped mid-sob and said "uh-huh." he got gum. tonight at dinner i cut his burger and he grabbed my fork and put his hand on his burger while letting out a blood curdling scream that i was actually CUTTING his burger. paul said "when did he get so opinionated?" i said "well, he is almost 2!" i guess it's time. this afternoon he cried off and on all afternoon. i finally put him in his room for quiet time. he played quietly up there until paul came home so i guess he just needed some time to himself. good thing we're gonna get a whole lotta momma time in the next few months.

oooooooh snap.

Today the kids didn't nap at ALL because they fell asleep with their eyes open in the car. They get this glazed over look and stare off into space and i know that naptime will be an uphill battle. Anyway, after giggling in Karyssa's room together for a while they both came barreling downstairs so I just gave up on nap and gave them a snack. While they were sitting at the table Karyssa confesses, on behalf of Asher, that "Asher came in her room and was in her bed." and I said (as if I was shocked) "WHAT?! is that why I heard giggling and you guys weren't napping?!?" and she pointed her finger up in the air and then quickly snapped it down at him from across the table. SO FUNNY! Oh my goodness.

Then later Asher took a pair of her pants from the hearth and threw them on the floor with a vengeance and said "HA!" like "TAKE THAT!" It was so funny. He's SO testosterony/aggressive.

And I love that Karyssa is now old enough to talk but young enough to not know how to lie. Asher came wobbling over to me sobbing the kind of sob that comes with drool. I said "Karyssa, can you tell me what happened?" "I bonked him." ?? "on purpose or it was an accident?" "on purpose." ok..wow...if only it would stay this easy. I made her give him a hug and sit in time out only long enough that I could stop giggling. I'm so Cam.

what daddy really spends all of our money on.

today was karyssa's first play therapy session. the therapist said "so where's daddy?" karyssa said "at work." the therapist clarified "oooh...makin' the big bucks 'eh?...so...what does daddy do with all that money? what's he bring home with it? ice cream?" karyssa answered "beer!"

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* my first reaction was to cackle laugh (the laugh I hate that only comes out when i'm completely taken off guard and didn't have time to prepare my more reserved laugh.) i continued to giggle silently until i called paul from the lobby, still giggling. he was mortified! later i realized why she thinks that. mommy is the one that brings home the groceries. but i don't want to take the kids into a liquor store. i dunno...there's just something about a kid in a liquor store that sends all my foster-mommy-red-flags up. so when we get beer or wine i send paul to the liquor store...therefore, daddy is the one who brings home the beer!

yesterday paul had the day off so we decided to take the kids to tiny town so paul can get a lay of the land over there. paul got dressed in an outfit he'd wear to work, since his office is very casual, it's not out of place to wear it on a weekend. as we were coming downstairs asher said "it's saturday?" baffled that we didn't just hear that we both said "what?" and he said "daddy staying?" um...WHAT?!? he just started saying "hot" on thanksgiving...how does he know the days of the week? and when daddy should and shouldn't be staying home? complex little mind of his. these kids keep me guessing that's for sure.

my sweet asher man

lately asher has been whippin' out all kinds of personality. i just can't get over how testosterone just oozes out of him on a daily basis. he's growly and aggressive and just plain manly. he laughs hysterically when he falls and even more if karyssa falls. yesterday we took an hour and a half bike ride on the kids new strider bikes and we got on a street that still had some slick snow and at every driveway karyssa would wipe out which made asher laugh so hard from behind he could hardly hold his bike up. karyssa did not find it as funny, for the record. he's sooooo different from her so it still surprises me on a regular basis.

then there's days like today and the testosterone is the least of his surprises. we went to tiny town this morning and i witnessed him steal at least 2 cars/tricycles from other kids before i could bolt across the gym to correct him. other parents were polite and said things like "it's ok, we're learning to share." i said "so are we."

then this afternoon we went to the store, mainly because neither one of them took a nap so we HAD to get out of the house. after paying for our groceries and pulling the cart away the cashier looked down in the little car where asher was sitting and said "oh! he's got a rolo!" and i said "then there's an open package over there because i didn't give him one...." and she said "no, he's got the whole role." i looked down and he's double fisting them into his mouth. there were 5 left on the bottom of the car floor. for pete's sake. i don't know how many come in a package, but it's WAY more than 5. thank god it wasn't the reese's because i had left the epi-pens at home. i also noticed he had a can of chicken noodle soup, which means he'd been doing his own shopping down in that little car all the way through the store. 95 cents for those dang rolos!

tonight when we were home he came up to me with the little toy tea pot and a tea cup and pretended to pour me a cup and handed it over, pinkies up. oh that boy is so dang cute! i took it and he was more than pleased to pour me cup after cup after cup. it was the first time he pretended play on his own. he'll play cars and make the "vroom" noise...but he's never USED his imagination before. it was kind of exciting to be there for the first time. and that is why i give up every paycheck to stay home with them. i looooooove being able to stay home and there's not a day that i take it for granted. i am pretty sure i love him more every day. and every day i think i can't possibly love him more and then the next day i do. ugh! makes me want to go up there and kiss those chubby cheeks one more time while he sleeps.

karyssa-isms

lately karyssa has been full of funny things. now that her speech is getting clearer it's funny to get the thoughts out.

the other day her and asher were putting away a fishing game and i told them to find all the fish. asher then picked one up and held it up proudly and she said "good-eye ratcliffe*" and kept looking for more without skipping a beat. (*only our bloggy last name...not our real last name.)

the next day she sat up on top of paul first thing in the morning while we were still in bed and said "we have shiners!" i let paul figure it out because i couldn't make out the word. we both started looking around for the definition of a shiner when paul said "where?" and she said "on our bottoms. we have shiners." again...puzzled we look at each other and then i realized. the day before while going to the bathroom karyssa asked me "mommy, is that your penis?" (she had recently been corrected when telling asher that he had a peanut.) "no," i said, "mommy has a vagina. and you have a vagina, because we're girls. daddy and brother man have penises but we have vaginas...so tatum's a girl...what does she have?" looking at me puzzled i answered my own question, "tatum has a vagina too." so after proclaiming on top of paul that she had a "shiner" i quickly realized what conversation we were processing and filled paul in on the day before. karyssa then said to paul "so what does tatum have?" *sigh* oooooh she's so funny.

we play hide and seek a lot, mostly to work on counting to ten. lately we've mastered counting to ten so i've begun working on the alphabet with her. tonight when going over flash cards i got to "G" with a picture of a garden on it. "guh, guh gaaarden..." i said. "what does a garden begin with?" "a SHOVEL!" she proclaimed. yes...it does begin with a shovel. ask a silly question.....

man i love her.

damn you potty training and child psychology!!! *shaking fists in the air*

soooooo we've been having more pee accidents. not poop anymore because now she gets gum for keeping her pants clean and dry during naptime. but now we're back to pee accidents...when she's awake! and standing 3 feet from a toilet!!!

so today we talked about it AGAIN!
me: karyssa, are you worried about your birth family?
karyssa: i'm karyssa ratcliffe (not our real last name)
me: you are karyssa ratcliffe. are you thinking about daddy ******* or step-grandma, or abuelo?
karyssa: i want to see step-grandma

my head: DANG IT NOOOOOOOO!!!! I DON'T WANT TO!!!!! stomping feet like a 2 year old.

me (out loud): grandma ratcliffe? step-grandma? grandma mimi?
karyssa: step-grandma. i want her come to my birthday.
[backstory: yesterday i made cupcakes from the same recipe my sister-in-law made karyssa's birthday cake so her birthday is fresh on her mind even though it's a full 6 months away.]

my head: what the heck?? (not the word i want to use)

me (out loud): well if you want to see her you can just tell mommy. ok?


i chat all of this to paul and he says "ya, because she wants presents." WHEW! yes, i think that is accurate. in her mind her birthday equals presents and who brings her presents the last 2 times she saw her? step-grandma. so the plan is still on to have no contact until she's old enough to tell us what exactly she wants.


in asher news: yesterday paul wiped him down with a wipe and he screamed "HOT!" when the wipe touched his eczema thumb. i can't STAND his eczema. i have kept him off peanuts and taken him back off of all things egg (which is HARD, let me tell you, when you love to bake) so i'm hoping eventually his thumb will look like a normal thumb and not one that's been through a meat grinder. he's talking more and more, and mimicking karyssa more and more. it's so interesting to finally hear his thoughts. right now he is sitting in the bumbo chair, they both have their bike helmets on and they are throwing cars at each other. hot wheel cars, not real cars...they aren't hercules children. the other day he took his helmet to paul and said "ride bike!!" and so we did. man i love these munchkins.