like a sponge

today i heard younger on the front porch with our neighborgirl who is 4. somehow (i wonder how) younger's purse ended up on the front porch and her gum case had gotten broken. she was grilling our little friend for how it happened. they were going back and forth and just when younger thought she was getting somewhere, exasperated, she said "it's ok if you broke it, but you have to know that if you learn to lie now you are going to lie for the rest of your life and that's not ok." HAAAAAAAA! is that what it sounds like when i say that? she was so patient and kind. i had to call paul over to the window to listen it was so cute.

in other news, i know i haven't been blogging as regularly as i used to. a couple things have happened. one is that life happened. the other is that this last couple weeks have NOT been pretty around here. this fostering thing is tough! so any prayers you want to say for us are greatly appreciated around here right now.

and one more thing-in a previous post i called tatum's crib her crate. she IS still our baby and it IS still her crib. she doesn't sleep in it anymore because the bedding makes her too hot but i just wanted to clarify she has in no way gotten bumped to a lower rung. she's still our princess and the girls know that she is their sister and it is not ok to treat her any other way.

shipping and handling

when we moved in to our place here in longmont the last people didn't forward their mail. for the first month we collected it all and gave it to our landlord to give to them. the second month i just gave them the important stuff and threw away the junk mail. the third month i was just annoyed so we started pitching it all. except for the reader's digests that kept coming. and coming and coming and coming. i felt bad opening the first one but i figured 3 months of gathering mail the least they could do was throw us a bone and let us read their reader's digest. but after we renewed our lease i figured surely their subscription would run out and that would be the end of that. but they kept coming and coming and coming. now we just call them shipping and handling and enjoy them. thank you old tenants!

camping on vegan food

we took the girls camping last night. it went well. we were going to just drive until we found an opening and the first place we stopped they had some people leave with out telling them. yeah last minute opening! the girls had never had s'mores before. i said "what did you do last time you went camping?" they said they roasted carrots and bananas over the fire. what the? they even have marshmellows they are allowed to have that are made of fish oil. i know-normally that would be taboo to vegans but they do fish. so we had dark cocoa chocolate, fish oil marshmellows and graham crackers. they LOVED them and loved camping. they also loved the ENTIRE bag of marshmellows. then this morning we rigged up the camp stove and made vegan pancakes with strawberries. they loved those too, which is shocking since they are pretty picky in the pancake arena. we took their bikes so they rode in circles - it wasn't a big campground. but, all in all, camping was a hit. i forgot the camera, and the paper towels, and the normal mac-n-cheese so me and paul had vegan mac-n-cheese for dinner. it was a learning experience for sure. next time i won't forget as much stuff. i hope.
**Edited to answer**the fish oil marshmellows can be found at Whole Foods. They are a brand called Elyon.

that's life i guess

tonight we played "the game of life". i just got it the other day to play with the girls. it was so funny. i almost had no kids but then lucked out with twins on the LAST option for kids. paul had 5 kids. and poor older didn't get ANY kids. and she was a teacher so she made $40,000 a payday and then younger was a lawyer and got $90,000 a payday and had 3 kids. so when it was time to "buy houses" older picked the double wide trailer because she was being a sour puss and later in the game when younger bought the mansion i just couldn't hold my laugh in anymore. finally i was laughing so hard and just said "you're a teacher that lives in a double wide trailer, and your little sister is a lawyer that lives in a mansion!" it was like "man this IS the game of life." it's so true to reality. and when she didn't get to have any kids she was totally mad for the rest of the game...so basically the rest of her life. it was so realistic it wasn't funny!!! we decided there should be an "adopt a kid" card for $20,000 and then when you pick the card it tells you what country you adopted from. *sigh* if only it were that easy. i tried to convince her that maybe she just made an awesome foster mom.

summah!

today we went to walmart and got the girls bikes. they were really excited. thank god for close out clearance. they have been riding them ever since with a couple of interuptions for some time outs. one time out was for arguing...the other was for complete and utter exhaustion. it was great. we even rode a mile up to the park with the neighbor kids. ya. not much forethought in that. we got about a half a mile away from the house when i turned around and saw 5 kids following along behind me. i was wondering why all those people stopped for us at the cross walk. normally people don't even notice the cross walk. turns out all you need is 5 kids and a dog attached by a leash to the handlebars. ha! but they are loving having wheels. and i am loving that we have them!! come on energy burners!!!

stupid sock

i'll see if i can relay this story in writing as funny as it was in person-but at school the girls can earn tickets for the school store. and for some reason younger thought she had to earn 5 tickets to get something. so this is morning after the dentist at 7am and then going back home for breakfast, packing lunches and getting to school, she wanted me to go in with her to see what she could buy at the store. but it's really meant for them to make decisions on their own. so i sent her in there and i waited in the lobby and she comes out with this half a soccer ball thing and it's hard. and i said "what is it?" "all i could get was this stupid sock." "why?" "because it was the only thing worth 5 tickets!" "why is it a sock?" "no! shock!" and a little friend is there with us and she pipes up "no, chalk!" "OH! well, that will be fun...you can write on the sidewalk with it!" "it's stupid." "well then why did you get it? was there something worth 4 tickets, or 3 tickets and 2 tickets? surely you didn't HAVE to get only the thing worth 5 tickets....go tell mrs. santoyo you want to see if you could exchange it for something you really want." so she runs back in there and comes running out with a huge smile and 5 tootsie pops. jeesh. communicate chica!

update on older

ok-so this week has been horrible so i haven't gotten to update you all but...after last weeks episode of rock throwing and me trying to figure out what REALLY happened i figured out that she was as much a part of it as all the other kids AND she wasn't the ONLY one that got rocks thrown at her. so...i bought it hook line and sinker but i'm ok with it. at least she knows i'm on her side but now we just have to work on that teeny tiny issue of truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. *ah* baby steps.

not happy

today was a pretty eventful day in the kids world. i picked them up from school and didn't get the usual hugs. ?? i said "what's up today?" younger says "sister got in a fight with everyone at school." "what?" then older tells me "school sucks and everybody hates me." knowing there was more to it i pryed "oh my goodness...what happened?!" she goes on to tell me that they were playing a game and then the boys split up and started playing separately, then the next thing she knows everyone is throwing gravel at her. ok-this is when my momma bear surfaced again. remember here when we stopped talking to bob & gracie? well...i kept asking very calmly "well why did that happen?" or "and then what?" pretty soon i was boiling mad. i found out the school counselor got involved and her teacher (who doesn't particularly care for her-don't get me started) almost cried when she was yelling at the class because she was so upset. now i know there are 2 sides to every story and i know she tells me just the parts she wants me to hear and i know i jump to conclusions. it's a family trait. i lovingly call it my italian side. so i brought myself down a notch and said "is there anything i should know before i go in there tomorrow with guns ablazing?" (by guns ablazing i do not mean real live guns-i meant my arms but i'm sure she thinks i'm going in packing heat.) and she goes "well the counselor said whoever doesn't apologize to me tomorrow has to stay in and write a report on respect." and i said "ok, i'll wait until friday then. so you'll tell me the truth right, you're not just going to tell me what i want to hear right?" and she said yes. i think it helped her see that me and the school counselor and her teacher are all on her side. bless her little heart. she was sobbing by the time she got to the car! grrrrr.

the elephant in the room

today is mother's day and i'm very much aware of it. i'm also very much aware that i am not a mother. sure i have a dog. i'm her "mother". i have foster children in the house so i'm a "foster mother" but i am still not a mom. i know...before i go any further i would also like to acknowledge that some of you may still consider this a pity party. that is not how i see it and this is my blog dammit. if you have another beef start your own blog. if you don't believe me talk to any of your friends struggling with infertility and they will validate my feelings. i don't even have to meet them. i know they feel the same as me. and by "friends struggling with fertility" i do not mean they had the first 6 no problem, but they are struggling to get pregnant for the 7th time. THAT IS NOT WHAT I CONSIDER TO BE SOMEONE STRUGGLING WITH INFERTILITY. that is someone struggling with FERTILITY. the kids have been great. they have been planning my breakfast in bed for a couple of days. although it was supposed to be a surprise it wasn't hard to figure out what was up their sleeves. they woke up early, went to starbucks with paul, came home and made pancakes and we all ate pancakes while i was still in bed. it was so cute. and then they started getting teary eyed that they couldn't make breakfast in bed for their mom. i do not fault them at all. they have a very loving mom. i am not her. i am their very loving foster mom, caretaker, unrelated aunt, long-term babysitter, but i am not their mom. i did ok until we left the house and then the floodgates opened. it was hard to hide and i didn't do a 100% job of it. but what can i say? this day sucks. much like valentine's day for the freshly broken hearted that is what mother's day is for me. yet another reminder that i am not, and may never be, a true mother.
PLEASE, i beg you NOT to comment to this post with well-meaning remarks about how i am a mother. before posting that-reread the above.