the elephant in the room

today is mother's day and i'm very much aware of it. i'm also very much aware that i am not a mother. sure i have a dog. i'm her "mother". i have foster children in the house so i'm a "foster mother" but i am still not a mom. i know...before i go any further i would also like to acknowledge that some of you may still consider this a pity party. that is not how i see it and this is my blog dammit. if you have another beef start your own blog. if you don't believe me talk to any of your friends struggling with infertility and they will validate my feelings. i don't even have to meet them. i know they feel the same as me. and by "friends struggling with fertility" i do not mean they had the first 6 no problem, but they are struggling to get pregnant for the 7th time. THAT IS NOT WHAT I CONSIDER TO BE SOMEONE STRUGGLING WITH INFERTILITY. that is someone struggling with FERTILITY. the kids have been great. they have been planning my breakfast in bed for a couple of days. although it was supposed to be a surprise it wasn't hard to figure out what was up their sleeves. they woke up early, went to starbucks with paul, came home and made pancakes and we all ate pancakes while i was still in bed. it was so cute. and then they started getting teary eyed that they couldn't make breakfast in bed for their mom. i do not fault them at all. they have a very loving mom. i am not her. i am their very loving foster mom, caretaker, unrelated aunt, long-term babysitter, but i am not their mom. i did ok until we left the house and then the floodgates opened. it was hard to hide and i didn't do a 100% job of it. but what can i say? this day sucks. much like valentine's day for the freshly broken hearted that is what mother's day is for me. yet another reminder that i am not, and may never be, a true mother.
PLEASE, i beg you NOT to comment to this post with well-meaning remarks about how i am a mother. before posting that-reread the above.