good vibes

this is so cute. i work with three guys in my new job, that i LOVE and now know was the right decision. one is married with two boys and the other two are single. yesterday after my 2nd iui, i came to work and was a little sore. then took a late lunch around 1:30, went home, took tatum outside, ate lunch, did some dishes, and with my last couple minutes folded some laundry. then i came back at 2:30 and sat down at my desk. i don't know what happened after that. i got goosebumps, my lips went numb, the pain in my abdomen became a 10 on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the worst. and i just sat there hoping one of the guys would walk past my door. i didn't want to shout down the hall and i knew i couldn't get up. then the married guy walked past. he knows what's going on because of all these doctors appointments and stuff. he said "are you ok" "i think i'm gonna puke" "just go home!" "i can't drive." at this point he realizes i'm in serious trouble. he goes "write down paul's number...is he local?" "he's down in boulder." then we both think. then i said "i'm going to give it 20 minutes. it's coming in waves and then in the next wave i'll go home if i'm not feeling better." 20 minutes came and went and i was still in pain, but not a 10, more like an 8. i have never heard from any of my friends that iui's hurt this bad so i'm not sure what happened. i posted to my fertility buddies to see if one of them knows since allot of them have been through iui's. i know the nurse poked me yesterday but my goodness, a poke shouldn't do all that. at this point one of the other guys is in my office looking at me like i have lobsters coming out of my ears. (ah...electric sex in the window...if you haven't seen a christmas story you've been living under a rock and need to see it.) then later married guy comes back to my doorway and with all hope says "maybe this means you're pregnant!" with such innocent hope i couldn't argue with him. but i didn't want him to have too high of expectations. "even if i was married to michael phelps his swimmers wouldn't be that fast." and he realized that ya, maybe i wasn't quite pregnant just yet. isn't that cute? he has such high hopes for me. and i'll take it. we all know what a pessimist i can be so anybody that wants to send good vibes in my direction can stick around!

the rulez

1) an o test is an ovulation test-NOT a pregnancy test.
and
2) we clearly need to review the rulez of the blog.

thank you to all of my well-wishers but it will still be at LEAST 2 weeks before we know anything and at least 6 before we can think there's any kind of outcome other than this past year and a half. so don't get excited. don't call and congratulate me, you are only congratulating me on ovulating. as exciting as that is at this point, it's not the goal. please no more phone calls, i really REALLY don't want to talk about it on the phone.

but a humble thank you to you all. it is very much appreciated.

that's a wash

paul did very well. i'll let him start his own blog if he wants to post numbers but i'm very hopeful. it feels weird. i FINALLY got a positive o test this afternoon. i wanted to try my tests to make sure it was accurate with the doctors office. so here's my shout out to the other 6.1 million women struggling with infertility.

just the fax - part duex

today is a rough day. it's day 18 of my cycle and no surge. so. i called the doctors office and told them just that and they said i needed to come in right away to see where my eggs are and, give me the trigger shot. bummer. luckily it's tuesday, and we all know that means the toots is at daycare. i called daycare and thank god for mrs doolittle, she can keep said toots until 5:30. i emailed paul to make sure he could pick her up by 5:30 since i get off at 5:30. he can. all bases covered right? not so fast. i go down to the doctor, which is 30 full minutes south, but he's a specialist so i can't complain. and they have me piac (pee into a cup) and then check my eggies. bad news: i only have 1 egg about to go. good news: it looks very very good. so then i go to talk to the nurse with my little cup o' lemonaid. for some reason, i burst into tears sitting there waiting. i later found out from brenda this is a clomid side effect. explains my entire morning of tearshed. the nurse said "what's wrong?!" "i don't know, this just isn't how i pictured all of this to happen." "well you have a VERY good egg." she dips an o test in my lemonaid while we're talking and boom-there's the surge i've been testing for all week. i have used 17 o tests so far this month. good thing i buy them in 50 packs. she then told me "this is great that my PCOS would give me an egg." "my pcos? you mean the cyst on the left ovary?" "no, this egg is on the right side." "yes, i know (i saw it on the ultrasound)...but do i have pcos?" "well, the jury is still out, your ovaries say yes, your bloodwork says no." "so...i have pcos on both ovaries?" "yes." ?? JUST TELL ME THESE THINGS. worrying is a hobby of mine, don't take a worrying opportunity away from me. then she said, "we can't miss this surge. you have to come back this afternoon." so i call paul from the office, can you come down at 2:30? no, he can't...he could come at 3:00...ok that works, then i go in at 4:00. then wham-o let's hope that one egg takes. talk about putting all of your egg in one basket. or all of your basket in one egg. which comes first?

debut

guess who made her big debut? tatum is officially on mrs. doolittle's web page. thanks marlena for pointing it out. i hadn't looked lately.

mrs doolittle's fence

see what i mean...isn't this cute?
this is what i saw when i went to pick tatum up from school:

and then this is how many holes the fence has for other watchdogs:

and then this is tatum saying goodbye to all of her new school buddies:

new addition

with winter coming and me back to work in an office we realized we needed another car for Paul to get to work in the winter months. he's been wanting a truck since i've met him. he's been shopping around lately just to see what's out there. so when he found this one at a dealership with a warranty, and priced $3,000 below trade-in we couldn't pass it up. it was cheaper than our civics. ya. that cheap. if you're looking to buy a truck now's the time.
we drove it off the lot and went to sonic so we could spend some time with it. tatum is enjoying it too although it's a little high for her to jump in and out and around. it will take some getting used to. it's no civic. but paul is giddy happy. and i must say, he looks pretty good in "dark toreador red". (where do they come up with these color names?)

clarification

*ring*
"this is michelle can i help you?"
"hi. it's cheri again. have you guys tested me for PCOS yet?"
"yes, it's one of the first things we test for."
"do i have it?"
"no, we would have called you right away if it came back positive."
"ok thank you. just one more thing i can mark off my list of things to worry about."

so i'm clear in that regard.
in talking to my mom (yes, she sort of broke the rule but i had brought up the conversation so it's ok) i realized that i need to clarify a couple things. IUI is artificial insemination, just to make that clear. i asked if they could impregnate me with someone who was tall dark and handsome that is artistic and patient and wonderful in every way and they said they have just the donor for me. and bonus, i happen to be married to him. so yes, paul is the sperm donor.

just the fax

i just have a minute because i have to get back to work but...i'm so freaking bummed. i went in for my ultrasound and the technician said "has anyone talked to you about PCOS yet?" "um...no" "well the probably would have found it in your blood work. an ultrasound is not the only sign so..i'm sure it would have been caught." "will you bring it up to the doctor?" "well, they would have done the test in the thyroid/glucose test. did you know you have a complex cyst on your left ovary?" "yes, they discovered that last spring. it's been there for a while now." "hmm...that's another sign of PCOS. but i'm sure they would have found it in your blood work" at this point i'm thinking to myself "hmm...i don't think she was supposed to have said that part about the PCOS." we finished up, i raced to loveland for my class and called the nurse on lunch. my test showed i only had 4 follicles getting ready. i don't know if this is a good or bad number. but she said "only" so it leads me to believe don't get your hopes up. she also said that if i haven't gotten my surge (which tells me that i am about to ovulate) by tuesday i'll go back in next wednesday and have a trigger. which is what they give you to force your body to let the people go. or eggs. but it sounds funnier to say let the people go. tangent. sorry. she also said "i'm not surprised you haven't surged yet because your estrogen was really low on day 10. ?? what does this mean?? i got too much information too fast again to think to ask but i'm wondering the ramifications of too much estrogen. so i'm discouraged at two things: 1) once. just ONCE i'd like to go to the doctor with no surprises. no "by the way, this is also going on" no "i didn't mention it before because i didn't want you to worry" no "i'm sure it's not a big deal or they would have mentioned it". i'd like to go in with certain expectations, which may or may not be too high, and have them met. no more no less. 2) i was really wanting to have the trigger today so i could have the IUI over the weekend and be well on my way to 2ww. (which in fertility lingo means 2 weeks waiting...the dreaded two weeks between ovulating and being able to POAS...pee on a stick...and find out if your pregnant.) so i'm sort of double bummed but i'm going to go make some pizza dough so that tonight after happy hour we can have some yummy homemade pizza. and i'm trying not to cry.

MTHFR

get your mind out of the gutter. that is not an abbreviation for what you're thinking. it IS an abbreviation for the gene mutation that i have that is preventing my body from absorbing folic acid. this just came about from my blood work this week. the good news is they can give me a hyper folic acid suppliment to add to my daily collection that will give me sooooo much that i'll get just enough absorbed. jeesh.
on other good news, i also had another test that looked at my eggs and i scored an 11. she said she typically sees a 1 or a 2 so i am really good in that department. she said "in fact, you could be an egg donor you scored so high." crazy! and hopeful.
so until friday i continue peeing on sticks until i get my ovulation surge and then in we go to make a baby the almost old fashioned way. i'm way more hopeful today but still cautiously pessimistic (yes, my glass is half empty) with everything.

thinkin'

so i've been thinking. what do i do if this actually works this week? i don't want to announce it on here because i don't want everyone to get all giddy excited but i also know that if i post nothing on here you'll all be wondering and i'll still have to answer questions. so here's the deal. if you continue to read on you are in contractual obligation to agree to the terms below. (this is my blog so don't bother trying to wheel and deal with me.) if you chose not to read on so that you don't have to agree to the obligations below, you'll just be in the dark because i have very high expectations, as i've been told by a certain un-named ex-boyfriend, (who also called me compulsive and i'd rather call it "getting things done now")who will remain nameless. and with those too-high expectations comes the reality that if you do not read below i will just hang up on you if you call to talk about it.
here's my plan, should you chose to accept it or try not reading on so you don't have to:
if this works i am not going to say anything. i don't want to talk about it on the phone unless i bring it up in which point it will be VERY brief.
if this does not work you'll hear about it for sure because i'll be throwing a very big pity party.
back to "if this works". i want you to understand that getting pregnant for me is not even half the battle. just because this might take doesn't mean i get a baby in the end. thus the reason that i don't want to talk about it. i don't want to know potential due dates, as that only gives me another date to grieve. i don't want to talk about other peoples due dates, success stories, or not-success stories. this includes, but is not limited to, pregnant lady stories, dead baby stories, sick baby stories, stories of babies that were born with unsermountable obsticals that either did or did not make it. the other thing i want you to know is that if this does take it will be at LEAST another 6-9 weeks before we know if there is a baby in there and even after that i will have to wait and see if there is a heartbeat.

in other news, today is kind of a hard day. we went to eat lunch at a mexican restaraunt because the sermon today was about being salty and he used chips and salsa as his prop. so of course 90% of flatirons church went out for mexican afterwards. as we were sitting there a mom and a dad, that were very white (i'm not being racist, this is part of the story) walked up with two very cute chinese girls. and it makes me wonder, what if that is where all of this is heading. can i love that baby as if it were my own? would i be ready for that? the answer, i think, is yes. i know i want to adopt a baby someday but not as a last resort. i want to adopt a baby because i'm ready for that baby. and i have love to give to that baby. i don't want to adopt a chinese baby today so that i have something to mother. that's why i got tatum and it's working just perfectly. all that to say, these ideas are rolling around in my head. twice in the last week i've seen chinese girls with very white parents and the wheels start to turn and i wonder what could be. what might be. what i could or couldn't do in that situation if it comes to be. so those are my thoughts for today. sorry if they are a little too deep.

the boyf'

so tonight we had dinner with buster's mommy and daddy. otherwise known as josie and dave. so that means that tatum got to spend 3 uninterupted hours of playing with buster. those two are crazy. and get along pretty well until tatum steals busters bones and then intervention from the human kind is required. eventually we had to take all bones away and hide them so they'd stop bickering like an old married couple about them.
then we came home and started getting ready for bed when tatum needed to go out again so i took her back out side and she meandered in the direction of busters house, which is not abnormal, that's typically the way we start out. then she turned the corner, sniffing as if she was JUUUUUUST about to find the perfect spot for #2...then sniffed a little bit further. finally i thought, i'm just gonna see how this plays out and let her lead the way. do you know we played that little charade of sniffing all the way back to buster's window? crazy dog. and again i thank god she's spayed!

picture day!

my boss has a web page with all of her employees and their pictures and job descriptions on the page so that our clients can understand the breakdown of what each of our duties our in the transaction. so today i had to get my picture taken. ugh! i do not consider myself very photogenic. sometimes i have cute pictures and other times, let's face it, i do not. i shared these with my dear friend geenie and she spent the next 20 minutes laughing at pictures 20 and 21. so far i'm pulling for photo 14. not that any of them make me look like the catherine zeta jones i should be portrayed as. so here's a link to my pictures. feel free to vote. although i don't know how much say i'll really have in it.

first day of school

tatum's first day of doggie day care went well. we went over there at 7am and the first puppies she got to meet were cole and cinder. i think it might be short for cinderella. they were super cute. around 10:00 Mrs. Doolittle called me at work. don't worry-this is normal. she wanted to let me know that tatum had met all the other dogs and "hehe, she's a wild woman." jeez. i hope she doesn't over stay her welcome. Ester told me that she had to pull up the small water bowl because tatum kept dancing in it.
when i went to get her i walked up the driveway to see about 5 little sets of eyes and noses looking through the fence at me. it's really cute, they have these little holes cut out of the fence so the dogs can see who's coming. so when i walked up i saw a little wheaten face looking out at me and i said "hi pooh bear!!!" and she didn't really react. then i realized that was dixie, the other wheaten!! then tatum came out still wagging her tail. when i saw them i realized how different they really looked but through the little hole they look so much alike. ester said she was thrilled to have tatum because finally rooney has someone that can keep up with him. uh-oh. so we started home and as soon as we got out of the fence tatum stopped in her tracks and looked up at me like "you want me to walk THAT far to the car?!" it was at the end of the driveway. so we came home and put her in the kitchen and went back to work. well tonight by the time i came home her paws were so swollen that her little toes are spread out. i hope she's better by next tuesday for her 2nd day of school. i think it's a good thing that she is only going one half day a week.
here are some pictures i got of her first day of school. sorry they aren't great photos. i had to take a picture of the pictures.

here she is drinking out of the bucket since the bowl had to be taken away. behind her is her new friend emma.


and here she is meeting Zoey and Dixie, the other wheaten terrier.


they got to play in the pool. she was a bit hesitant at first but after the other dogs showed her the ropes she agreed it was a good idea. Rooney is the white guy in the background with spots and brown ears.

the fuzz

in case anyone was wondering, if your husband says he'll be home late because he's going to dinner and then at 11:30 you're still laying in bed alone, here are the numbers to the police so you can see which ditch it is you should go pull his corpse out of:
county: 303-441-4444
city: 303-441-3333
colorado state police: 303-239-4501
longmont police: 303-651-8501
and he's lucky i didn't call his sister cop down in douglas county. he called in when i was trying to talk to the colorado state police. he has, up until this point, thought i was exaggerating when i threatened to call the police when he's late. maybe now he will understand i'm not bluffing.

the birds and the bees, or something close to it...

now that i've started back to work it's hard for me to get things posted. the new job is going good. better every day. i'm learning a lot and have a long way to go but so far so good. it's kind of a lot of pressure to not miss a date. i hope that i am able to keep up with that part well. keep your fingers crossed for me because i've already been told that if i miss a date i'm fired. tatum starts doggie day care tomorrow. she's gonna LOVE me for that.

so...i'm not sure if i'm ready to post this or not but here goes. and if it disappears just know you're not crazy...i chickened out just like the kidney bean post. today i went to the doctors office to get my bloodwork done for the month so they can start seeing where i am on things. and as i was talking to the nurse about our game plan for the month realized i could squeeze in one IUI before my insurance runs out. so, we're going for it. i'm kind of nervous/excited/scared and trying to keep myself grounded because for me getting pregnant is just part of the problem. i now know that just because i get a positive pregnancy test does NOT mean that i get a baby at the end of it all. the other problem is i don't have a normal cycle. so pray for me between the 20th and the 24th that the doctors are able to catch the eggs in time and get me tagged in time. how romantic right? i'm sure this is just how i pictured it when i was a little girl. i would fall madly in love with the most perfect man in all the world then he would do his business into a cup and the doctor would shoot it up in me and that's how babies are made. or something like that.

longs peak

today i went with josie to hike longs peak. her daughter peggy came with us and it was so fun. and so good to have her along. she knows how to push josie and not push josie too far. so it was nice to have her along. and we have a TON in common. who knew? we actually go to the same church, except they just switched churches recently right as we got there. bummer. she is a lot of fun and someone i can really talk to. hopefully we'll get to know each other better in the days to come. but, i'm exhuasted so i gotta go to bed. but you can go here to check out all the pictures. i had WAY too much fun. i'll post some more details tomorrow.

first day

today was my first day. it was...interesting. i don't know what else to say. it will be WAAAAY more laid back and less stress than the DC job. it started out with me taking a field trip with my boss to one of her listings. i stopped counting bathrooms after 7, i stopped counting kitchens after 3 and i know for a fact there are more than 5 kitchen sinks in the place because of wet bars all over. i don't even know how many fire places. i was at 3 when i noticed there was more than one...actually, i can think of 4 off the top of my head. crazy big money properties. and most of the bathrooms and closets have lights that turn on when you walk in. crazy detail things like every bathroom has its own personality. one has 1 inch square slate tiles that go all the way up to the metalic black/grey ceiling, it totally feels like a little castle bathroom. all the fire places are completely different from the next. i can't even begin to explain. and all of the granite countertops had a rough edge that had been buffed down so there aren't any jagged edges. it's GORGEOUS to say the least. i've never even seen any houses that crazy cool on tv or movies. i'm not sure why so many sinks.... "oh my hand is dirty, let me wash it right here in the corner instead of walking ALL the way across the room to the kitchen." ??

but then this afternoon i found out that the marketing boy is also her son and he was supposed to just cover while the marketing girl went on maternity leave but she decided not to come back. he is actually really good at marketing but he is kinda disrespectful. she asked the other two guys if he should stay or go and one guy said stay and one guy said go. so she thought about it and decided with the economy the way it is she's afraid he won't be able to find anything else and by the way someone needs to go make sure grandpa eats his lunch at noon. so she kinda needs to keep him around for that purpose. oh...and i forgot to mention, i learned this when i went with her to her eye doctor appointment this afternoon. she realized on her way out the door that there would be no one there to train me anything so we grabbed a file and took it with us and talked through the file while we went. so it will be interesting. i have a LOT to learn but the banana muffins were a hit. they like nuts by the way. ha!

tatum did good not to potty in the bathroom. she kept giving me the stink eye and turned her back to me when i came home for lunch. although they say dogs don't have spite, i beg to differ. she DEFINITELY knows that i've gone back to work. or she's suspecting that i went to church both this morning and this afternoon.
i had a little cry about it but i know once we all get into the swing of things we'll be fine. thank god for mrs. doolittle's tuesday mornings!

what did i do?

today i'm having serious doubts about this whole going to work and leaving tatum thing. do you see that ticker? the hoola dancer is all the way down to one day!? i think doggie day care will be good. thankfully she passed her interview saturday morning. whew! i felt like i should have dressed her up in an argyle sweater vest and knee socks. i had no idea it was so ivy league to get into a doggie day care out here. so she'll be spending her tuesday mornings with Mrs. Doolittle and i'm still working on rocky hill ranch for thursday's. oh man i hope i'm doing the right thing going back to work. =(
after her interview we took her camping this weekend with our church group and had a LOT of fun. when i went to pull the camping gear out friday night to get ready tatum started hopping waist high. i told her not to get so excited, we weren't gong until the next day. AFTER the interview with mrs. doolittle. it didn't make much difference. when i pulled out the tent she started running laps around the basement. then i went upstairs to check email and she was whining so bad i thought she had to go outside. so i went down there only to find her staring at the heap of camping gear by the front door and sighing as if to say "i wanna go NOOOOOOWWW!!" again i explained, not until tomorrow. she had SO much fun once we got there. there was another dog there, kanga. tatum and her had to work out some kinks but in the end tatum understood that kanga has a much bigger personal bubble than she does. she was dirty when we got home so paul combed her out.

she hates to be combed out but she does much better when paul does it because it means undivided attention from him so she behaves much better.

then she fell asleep for a couple days like this.

***Attention Fertility Friends***

ok, since I can't talk to my threats directly i'll have to post here. does anyone know how Theresa did over the weekend? when did it go down? when is it coming back up? i've been going to marlena's page and looking at all the posts so maybe we could relocate until it's back up. i'm dying for updates! any other BFP's over the weekend? is lora feeling better? did lauren's wedding go well? so many questions so little access!

aaaaaaa....

i mean really, can she BE any cuter???