Thursday, July 30, 2009

We're #1! We're #1!....The County that is...not us.

Yesterday was all of the meetings regarding Sweet Pea's future. It went....ok. It's foster. What can I say? You just don't know ANYTHING until the judge slams the gavel. I guess, all I know for now is that we still get to be her foster parents today.
Ok-I'll be honest. This sucks. We love her way more than her bio family ever could and we've had her a week. They had her 13 months and the way I see it they failed at loving her. She's already walking, talking and teeth are coming in from 2 weeks of intense TLC and nutrition. She's a little bug and we love absolutely everything about her. She slept from 9pm last night to 6am this morning and I woke up disappointed that I didn't get to cuddle her at 1am. She LOVES us. I think she said moma last night. I know we probably shouldn't teach her to call us that-but that's our role. And frankly, I think it's weird to teach her that we're just plain old Cheri and Paul. WE are the only parents she's ever known. I don't understand why, if they are TRULY looking for the best interest of the child, they wouldn't consider US #1 with out looking any further. No matter what kin they find for her, we will love her way more unconditionally than anyone else out there.
End of Rant
That being said, our county is #1 in the NATION for finding kin for adoption and/or long term options. We are hoping with every fiber in our beings that no one shows up or is capable of getting through the home study.


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

words...sort of

on friday night we were telling sweet pea that tatum is our doggie. doggiedoggiedoggiedoggie. and she sort of said doggie in the midst of babble. well sunday morning we were having breakfast and i just talk to her every moment of the day. so with every bite it's "oatmeal?" "blueberries?" "banana?" and then she said "bayaya?" every sylable exactly, even the flex in my tone, the b sound and the a sounds.

a foster friend of ours has given us old supplies that her kids aren't using anymore so now when she eats i have spoons and forks that she can use. i was letting her feed herself and with every bite i'd say "good job!!" after a while she got tired of working and just started smearing it everywhere so i took her spoon away. in sheer frustration she grabbed her bangs and huffed "YOB!" she was mad i took her "good job" spoon away. *ah* precious!

she has a lot of hair and i bought some clippy bows to put in her hair. she loves it. i put them in and say "PRETTY!!!!" last night i was changing her diaper and she felt the top of her head and then patted it like i had forgotten to put it in there. she wanted to look pretty because uncle ben and aunt katie had come over with their baby that is 16 months and we hadn't seen yet (they live in tennessee).

then this morning on our way to our first day of daycare, i think i shook the whole way there, i had forgotten to get her apple juice. i typically give her "apple juice" or "fishy crackers" for long car rides to entertain her. we got about a half a mile from home and she cried "aya oo!!" oops...forgot the apple juice. i promised her i WON'T forget tomorrow.

and one more quick thing, while i was prepping dinner last night and she was playing with our neice, sweet pea crawled into the kitchen, grabbed my legs to stand, i turned around and made eye contact, and that was all she wanted. she toddled off as if to say she was just checking in. it melted my heart. that's a huge step for bonding when a baby or child comes and touches base with their parent. ugh! she's bonding!!!!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

alone together

one of the biggest parts of being a foster mom to a baby is bonding with them. the best way to do that is to be there when they are falling asleep and waking up. be the last and first thing they see when they are sleeping. because of that, we snuggle a LOT. yesterday i had sweet pea on her tummy in my arms and we were bouncing and rocking back and forth and she looked at my arm and then tried to pick up my freckles. for those of you who only know me from the internet i have a lot of freckles. i even won a freckle contest in the 3rd grade i have that many. my mom said they would go away when i got older. when i got older and asked when she said "22". when i got to 22 i realized sometimes moms don't have all the answers. but it's ok. i have embraced them. they aren't bad as far as freckles go. i've seen some bad ones and they aren't the bad kind.
another thing i do with sweet pea is touch. constantly touch. i touch her face. i touch her head. i run my hands from her hair down to her chin on both sides of her cheeks and she just smiles and smiles. but when it's time to go night night i touch her legs, i touch her arms, i touch her hair, i touch her tummy...just touching touching touching every moment. last night i was holding her with one arm and touching her hair with the other and she touched back. she started rubbing my arm and then rubbed my back where her arm fell through and then back to my arm. she's getting it. this is how you show love. and i love her.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

a baby changes everything

whoever said that should have had an 11 year old first. a baby doesn't change a THING. an 11 year old changes EVERYTHING!


sweet pea woke up screaming in terror at 1:45am so we snuggled and ate bottles and cheerios for an hour last night and i prayed for her health and her brain and bones to grow big and strong and for her bio family and for things that we need. random stuff like an exersaucer, a baby carrier and a diaper geenie. this morning paul took tatum out and our new neighbors across the street with an 8 year old boy were having a garage sale to get rid of his old toddler items. random stuff like an exersaucer, a baby carrier and a diaper geenie and all kinds of toddler books and tub toys. they let me have it all for $20. it was kind of eerie. like god was telling me he's hearing my prayers and answering them. i hope he answers the part where i prayed that this one will lead to adoption in under 12 months. :) we love her!

Friday, July 24, 2009


i'm sorry. i am such a bad blogger i can't believe you haven't fired me.
here's how it went.
tuesday i begged and pleaded for an unpaid week of vacation only for m'lady to be a complete and total jerk about it. i have had 1 sick day so far this year, 2 vacation days when the girls came, and 1 day of vacation for foster training. all in all, i think i have a pretty good track record. then went to a foster support group that night.
wednesday i woke up, did my little work out, took a shower, got out and started balling. i think it was a little of everything hitting me at once. the infertility. the job. the lack of vacation. the feeling that i'm spinning my tires. so i called in sick. but lucky for me, i talked to the one sane person i work with and he reminded me that m'lady was out all day. so i went in. during my boredom, trust me, i have work to do, i just don't feel like doing it sometimes, i chatted paul and asked if i could tell rosie we are ready again. he said sure. so here's how it went:
me: hi rosie! it's cheri'
rosie: hi! how are you doing?
me: well...we're ready.
rosie: GREAT! what age?
me:0-7, we can't do 11 again. definately younger.
rosie: now are you guys foster or fost-adopt?
me: well, we're really fost-adopt.
rosie: how young again?
me: oh, anything 0-7.
rosie: liiiike 13 months?
me: ya sure.
then she asks me a few more direct detailed questions.
me: (clueing in at this point) do you have somebody?
rosie: yes. we have a little person in the hospital that is going to come home this weekend and we need someone willing to work with her.
me: ok!
rosie: shouldn't you call paul first?
me: oh ya!

i called paul and told him the situation and he said he was fine with it if i was. that was wednesday.
thursday we got clearance to go down and see her. she's adorable. she's a peanut. she is all giggles and smiles. she is a mover AND a shaker. and she melts the hearts of everyone she comes in contact with. she is a special special girl. then we realized exactly how much baby proofing we really had to do. at midnight, we finally were at the point that we could let the rest wait until today. then i made a walmart run for the essentials. JUST the essentials. do you KNOW how many essentials a baby needs? a LOT.
today she was released and got to come home. i picked her up and after wrangling for a half an hour with the social worker trying to get the baby seat fastened into the car, we got home. paul had taken tatum to the hardware store for some screws we need for the upstairs baby gate so i had a chance to let sweet pea (that's her nickname) get acclimated. tatum came tearing in the house, first sniffed the social worker, then me, then turned around and just wiggled from nose to nub at our new little marvel sitting on the floor. she stuck her hand straight out at tatum and tatum licked and made friends. sort of. we have had to work with sweet pea being gentle and tatum giving space. she tends to like to lick. a lot. aaaand then there was the part where we turned around and saw tatum standing stick still with her beard in sweet peas fist. and when they finally seperated some of tatum's beard stayed in sweet peas fist. we've been coaching with the open handed pat moreso than the fist grab of fur. later tonight i was petting one side of tatum and sweet pea was petting the other side with the open hand. she's SUCH a quick learner and we think she said doggie tonight. *ah* we're in love. and we're in trouble.
here's a quick succession of the teddy bear we gave sweet pea the first night we saw her and tatum getting used to NOT playing with the teddy bear:

literally she stood there this long trying to leave the bear alone. and theeeeeen:

Sunday, July 19, 2009

it's been a WEEK!

sorry for my lack of posts. life keeps happening. tuesday we were supposed to run some stuff down to the girls and on my way home paul called and said their mom had called us to see if we could come over for dinner! OK! she made delicious stuffed shells and keep in mind-it was vegan and it was delicious. i told her "now i understand why the girls would cry through dinners!" ha! i took some fresh strawberries and white cake cupcakes for a strawberry shortcake of sorts and of course their mom knew how to whip up sugar-free-vegan whipped cream. we spent 3 hours just talking and eating and covering all the bases. their dad even thanked us and told us that we are welcome in their home anytime and we don't have to worry that we're calling too much because they appreciate everything we've done for them. it made me cry. we left feeling like our life is even more weird than we thought.

then friday night i went to my acupuncture appointment and we were talking about my diet and how i'm doing and molly was shocked that i was able to drop sugar so quickly. i kinda felt like "you mean i didn't HAVE to?" she also said she really wants me to try and go gluten free. at first i thought THAT is gonna be too hard. but then i got to thinking about what i would have to give up on top of what i'm eating and it would whole wheat toast in the morning. we make pizza once a week with whole wheat flour AND mozzarella, i'd have to give that up. all dairy-ALL dairy-even my crack yogurt. my crack yogurt is: greek yogurt (that Brenda introduced me to just last week), organic dairy yogurt, a good squirt of agave and then some fruit-raspberries, strawberries, peaches, bananas-anything-you can't go wrong. BUUUUUUT, i'll have to give that up. but that's pretty much it-we're there already. the kids mom let me borrow a cookbook (again with the irony of my life) and it is all sugar free, wheat free, dairy free recipes. so that has been a wealth of information on other flours i can use. so today i'm going to make my grocery list and head down to whole foods and see what i can't figure out.

even though i have no kids of my own, i'm forming relationships with people i wouldn't have picked out of a crowd of thousands to befriend, i'm in a place in life i never in a million years, let alone 3 months ago, would have believed i would be, i'm using acupuncture to open my "chanels" in order to do what most people do on accident a million times around the world a day, i feel what i think others call "blessed".

Sunday, July 12, 2009

healthy eggs

here's #3 in my set.
and here's all three of them together.

i do have the cutest dog in the world

see? this was taken friday morning when she was waiting for me to eat breakfast so she could go to doggie daycare. she knows when it's tuesday or friday and does NOT have any appreciation for time.

another announcement

well, i got another e-i'm pregnant today. i'm beginning to think i need to change my email address and stop checking. i know i need to be happy for her. i know i do. but it's really hard. it's a couple that always said they wanted to adopt so i'm not sure if it's an oops baby or what. not that that would make it any easier. i sobbed and sobbed this morning not because i don't want her to have a baby but just because it makes me feel even more of a mutant. not the kind that can fly or see through walls or something cool. just a plane old mutant that can't do what "normal" people can do. and then i feel like i'm acting like a spoiled 12 year old little brat that i can't just be happy for someone else's announcement. i truly deep down inside just want to have innocent joy for their announcement but now it's so tainted with my egocentric left-behind feelings that i can't muster it up. i think i'm done crying for now. but i realize even if we had 100 foster kids and adopted all of them that we could (which would be about 10 of them) it will never take the pain away of pregnancy announcements. the only time i'm happy is when i know they've been trying or if i know they too struggled. why can't i be happy for the ones that didn't have to try and were handed a perfectly healthy pregnancy with no problems? it's not like i think everyone should have their innocence ripped from them so that anytime the ever do see a positive on a pregnancy test they sigh and hope "maybe this one will turn into a real live baby to hold." i don't want that for anyone. i just wish my innocence hadn't been taken away. and that i could just get pregnant because we tried one month. and we didn't have to struggle and force and eat tremendously restricted diets in hopes that one month, just maybe, i would have ONE healthy egg and he would have ONE healthy sperm catch that egg in the 4% chance we have in the very good months.

Friday, July 10, 2009

seventeen sacagawea

last weekend when we went to cherry creek arts festival i made a special trip to the ATM to get cash. we never carry cash. never mug us-it will do you NO good. the web site said parking was $5 but we scored and found a lot for $3. when we came back and went to pay there was a machine instead of a person. we stuck our $20 in and ching-cha-ching-ching-ching. 17 sacagawea's popped out. it was like winning the chuckee-cheese lotto.

Thursday, July 9, 2009


years ago i used to be known as the artistic one. missy was the smart one. dan was the tough one. brock was the funny one. so that left artistic for me. and i was always drawing and creating and wearing off the wall clothes because they had more color on them than my private school uniform. ugh! nothing like GREY polyester to scream "I have style!" well anyway, then i met and married paul and he was the artistic one. i haven't really done much with my painting because he can paint something and it looks like it's really sitting on the canvas. but lately i got inspired. maybe it's all the herbs the acupuncturist has me one. i'm making a set of paintings that i hope will follow my healing. the first one is a set of rotten putrid eggs. the next one is the same eggs with acupuncture needles and a band-aid. the third is a set of two healthy eggs sitting in a nest. and the fourth and final painting is a fluffy baby chick. here's the first two. they are a work in progress.

the first one is smaller, 2"x3", the next one is a touch bigger, 3"x4" and then the next one is 4"x5", then the baby chick goes back to the little canvas. don't know what i'll ever do with them. hang them in a little spot or something.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Cherry Creek Arts Festival

Today we went down to the Cherry Creek Arts Festival. I have waited to go to this since last year when we went hiking instead of going. A few years ago I went with a friend from work and saw this artist. I love her work. I told myself then, when Paul was a student, that some day I would buy one of her pictures. They are so cute and creative and make you think about how big the world really is even though it seems to get smaller and smaller every day. Anyhow-this is my favorite picture of all of them. I want to get it to hang up in my dining room. It's such a great picture to see when you start your day.