Tuesday, October 16, 2012

'tis better to have loved and lost....so they say

we have had all kinds of kids live with us in these last few years and it's been amazing. and challenging. some kids come and we can't WAIT for them to go home (teasing...sort of) and we've had others that left too soon. we've had some come when we just couldn't ride the roller coaster of foster care and i felt we couldn't advocate for them the way they needed to be. that was right after we finalized adoptions for karyssa and asher. and we've even had some come that we know will be for a very short time and every time we love them more than we expected and then when they go there's a hole left in our hearts for a while. although the hole never fully disappears it heals up somewhat and we're ready for another go around. but 3 weeks ago today a beautiful baby came into this world. she came to a mother who loves her very much but isn't prepared just yet to do this. i don't know if she will be ready in time or if we will get to keep this little peaknuckle forever. we hope for mom. hope that she is able to overcome what life has dealt her and be the mom peaknuckle needs. but man my heart is breaking because although one side of my heart is pulling for mom, the other side is desperately hoping she lets us do this for her. that's a big request and if it weren't for having our 2 and understanding the connection that is there, yet lost. it IS better to have loved and lost than to get to adopt her down the road and wish i would have loved her more when she was newborn. but it makes everything in me shake with fear that i'm allowing myself to do this once again. i have said over and over for the last couple years "2 is a glorious number. i'm perfectly happy if we never have another." and now i'm faced with this teeny tiny face and she looks at me with such adoration and trust and i don't know how i'm going to make it if she goes home. but i know i would regret it more if i didn't love her with everything i have for the time i get to love her.