SAHFM

i didn't even know SAHM was an abbreviation, but it is. it means stay at home mom. i'm a stay at home foster mom as of noon today. because of daycare funding no longer being available and having 2 kiddos now to daycare, we've decided to just let me live my dream and stay at home completely with the kids. today was scary and wonderful. it feels so nice to be "free" in a sense of a go-to-work job. but scary in a wow-i-no-longer-make-an-income sense. sweet pea LOVES it though. i think she could tell this morning because she did not want to get dressed and i actually had to wrangle her to get dressed to get to work/school today. her teacher cried today when i went to pick her up. i told her we'll have her come a couple days next week moreso to help wean her teacher, moreso than her. it is really sweet to know that she was so loved by so many people at daycare. now i just have to get some idea books and get a schedule down pat. sweet pea does much better when she knows exactly what is going to happen next so the sooner i can get her on a schedule the better she'll do. today i noticed she was standing (wanting to jump) on the arms of the couches and realized if i was on super nanny the first thing she would tell me is that sweet pea is bored so...i'd better get to crackin' on keeping ahead of her.

SNOOKI!

today i went to pick up sweet pea from daycare and she was covered in orange from the chest up. it looked like she'd been dipped in cheeto batter. her teacher told me griffin, the little boy sweets LOVES to play with, colored all over himself with an orange marker so sweet pea followed suit. i said "oh my! should we bump up your hair and put you on mtv with snooki?" if you haven't seen jersey shore it's a must see train wreck. she just looked at me. i didn't even get her signature "ya!" i said "with all that orange you look like you've been fake bakin'." still nothing. so we came home and took a nap. i let her play in her crib (yes, she's still in the stupid crib) after her nap and when i went in there i startled her because she was taking the sheets off her crib and when she jumped up and looked at me i couldn't help but laugh all over again. it's gonna take days to get all that marker off!

looking back on prayers

it's interesting to look at this post and realize that all but #10 have resolved themselves.
today i went into work for a couple hours. peanut came with me while sweet pea was at daycare. m'lady asked me if maybe i could work from home and process some of the files from home. my first reaction was tears of joy but then, of course, came the hammer. she also said "you would just need to be available by phone every day." and then later "the only thing you would need is a scanner." to which i said "i can't commit that i can be available by phone because of the kids' appointments. and we have no money. there's no way i can buy a scanner right now." i also told her we really need to talk to the guys to see if they can even help pick up the other pieces in the office. and honestly, i really need to clear my life of extra stress right now and frankly, i know i need a paycheck, but that's the biggest stresser and i might need to just cut off that dead branch. *sigh* keep praying for #10.

made BANK!

this morning i went to a MOPS garage sale at our fairgrounds. i kicked BUTT! i got peanut outfitted for the entire year and i only spent $11 more than our allowance. today was the last day of the garage sale so it was half price day. i made out like a bandit. she rang me up and i thought i easily would have spent another $400 if i tried to buy all of that new. nordstrom, carters, gap, hannah anderson, incredible stuff. and a play mat with an overhangy thing and a baby bath tub that the county said we had to get. before we went i said "dear god-please provide" and that's all i said and then i went in and there was so much stuff i could use. i still haven't made up my mind on a sling. i don't know how to pick one out? everyone gives me different suggestions and i just don't know how to use them. and i have a weak back at times so i'm not sure if i could even sling a kid if i had one. anyway-i was proud because i prayed and let god provide and then was so incredibly frugal i think even god said "dang!"
people complain all the time because we get a one time allowance for each kid, it's not even $100, but i, seriously, have never had a problem. i just buy what i need and make sure what i bought is resale, looks brand new, and then i take care of it. i'm so excited.
OH! and best of all, the onesie on top says "peanut" on it. if you click on the picture you can see it. my eyes about bulged out of my head when i found that. can't wait until he fits into it this summer.

one more thing-when i was ringing up they were asking sweet pea "so do you have a brother or a sister?" and i said "a brother." and they said "how old is he?" and i said "5 days." and every head at the table whipped and looked at me and said "what?!" and i said "OH NO! I didn't give birth to him." And they said "wow, in our house we were still in a daze at 5 days." i wanted to say "ya, but i did make dinner every night this week, and made every appointment on time, and cleaned the house from top to bottom and today is the first day that the house isn't spotless!" but i didn't. i just let them think i was a slacker. i'm not sure what they thought my connection to the baby was.

49 1/2 hours ago....

it's weird to think of all of the changes that have taken place in our house in the last 49 1/2 hours. tatum looks at peanut like he's her puppy. i have to tell her numerous times a day to give him space or quit licking. when she thinks no one is around she stands right next to him and just stares at him. sweet pea just amazes me. today i picked her up from school and she ran over to me, past me, and lifted up the blanket on his car seat to see him. i held her up so she could give him a kiss and she put her cheek on his and just held it there. she loves him very much and is very bonded to him. there really does seem to be a chemistry between them. she doesn't act jealous of him or want him out of my lap like she does with other kids. she seems to act like he belongs here with her and she's glad that he is. it "kind of makes my eyes watery", to quote younger. (she said that when we took all 3 siblings to see UP and we were in the sad part.)
today i went to the grocery store for more petroleum jelly that i'm supposed to put on his nip/tuck. i couldn't find it in the handy tubes they sent home from the hospital so i asked the pharmacist if they had any in the tubes. she said they just had the tub kind and i said "i was really looking for the tubes. it makes things so much easier." then i paused for a second realizing how that sounded and wondering what kind of pervert she must think i am that i need petroleum jelly on such short notice and i pointed to the covered car seat and said "he had his tisk tisk nip tucked on monday" and she said a great bit "OH!" as if to say "i don't feel so creepy helping this woman knowing that now." jeesh. good thing i clarified!
it's amazing to see him change. he's already changing to a healthy pink/tan color. his head is rounding out more and more. and his skin is getting less flaky and looking more plump. i know his cries and what each one means. one sounds like a little lamb building up to a big lamb and that's the hungry cry. and another is a fast need-something-now cry which tells me he's in pain, either gas or his nip/tuck action. he's not a big burper but if you give him time to turn it into a fart he'll put on quite a show. so far he's just eat, poop and sleep in no particular order.
i am wondering how i will juggle both kids all day for days on end. i do get a little scared but i'll just have to figure out how to use the coffee machine and get some creamer.

i tried.

i tried really hard not to fall for this baby. not to get too attached just in case. but last night at midnight, i failed. i can't explain it. when he first came home i felt like "oh, a baby." but all of a sudden at midnight i looked down at him during a feeding and just fell in love. time will tell what will happen.

please don't disappoint me, time.

we've got kidS

well, he's here. we didn't know until 5pm if he would make it to our house or go to kin that mysteriously stepped forward. but that family member didn't realize the lifelong commitment they were making. they sort of understood it to be a temporary thing. time will tell if they move forward or not but i'm hoping they will understand the severity of that decision. if i had any friends on facebook considering fostering, they sure won't be thinking about it after yesterday. that was some drama roller coaster! i'm so exhausted i'm having the strangest dreams!
the case worker told me he scored a 10 on the APGAR test. by midnight i believed her. she said i'd need to wake him to eat every 2 hours. by 1am i'd turned off all my alarms. boy lets you know when he needs something. he's gonna be bigger than his sister and no time and then i'm going to have to deal with "twins!"
he's soooooo precious. he's perfect in every way. and sweet pea? is THE best sister there ever was. when he came in the door we were eating dinner and the case worker put him down on the floor in his seat and me and paul went over to look at him. then sweet pea said from her chair "uh! uh! uh!" i went and got her and the three of us got him out of his seat. she wanted to sit on my lap where he was so daddy took over peanut and i held sweet pea. daddy fed him his first bottle at home and pretty soon sweet pea was touching his hair, then she'd touch her hair. then she'd touch his cheek, then she'd touch my cheek. then she'd poke his eye, then she'd poke her eye. then i was burping him and she came up and patted his back to help him burp. just SO precious to him. i couldn't believe how affectionate she was with him. i said "i'm so glad you love him so much. pretty soon you're going to ask me to send him back." and our case worker laughed and said "she's gonna think everybody gets babies at the door."
our first night was a success. up every couple hours to eat a good ounce and a half or so of formula. couple poopie diapers and one fart break and we're ready for day 3 of life. day 1 together.
keeping everything crossed that this will be forever and that we have our first two kiddos under our roof for good.

never gunna sleep tonight

i know everyone has told me to rest up and get ready and do all my last minute things i want to get done. but HOW!? me and paul sat here until 9:30 looking at our computers. not saying a word. just gazing into the digital glow like a vortex. we finally broke away from them and i cleaned up the house so i'm ready for morning. then i went and laid in bed for an hour. not even tossing and turning. just laying there. i've even had to start making myself lay in bed as long as sweet pea is sleeping so that i can get rest even if it's not sleep. but now tonight. now that we have a gender. we have a name. we have a BIRTHDAY. and we have custody. REALLY? i'm supposed to sleep tonight? really?! how in the world am i supposed to do that? so i'm blogging instead. and i'm looking in my baby books for all the last minute how to's that i didn't think i'd really have to get to. how to take care of an umbilical cord. how to change a boy diaper? i've heard about the pee stream problem boy babies have. how to know when black poop is ok and when black poop should turn green? these are all questions you don't have to have the answers for with an 11 year old or even a 13 month old. and all of this with the lingering thought of "don't get too excited before court." and THEN i'll still have to sit around and wait and WaIt and WAIT for the case worker to get out of court (and she has a lot of cases) and call me and tell me what happened! all while i'm at home bonding with this new little bundle that hopefully makes it home safely to our house in the morning. how in the WORLD am i supposed to sleep right now. can't i just stay awake thinking and nap tomorrow when he naps? can't i just work on sweets quilt? can't i just read my baby books? can't i just watch mind-numbing lifetime shows until the wee hours of the morning when my cell phone rings to tell me what time to go to the hospital. oh ya, but then there's those bathrooms i didn't get to over the weekend and i should probably vacuum the navy blue rug that looks like it has white speckles on it-that's really lint, dried oatmeal and crumbs. not to mention the dusting and the tile floors that really REALLY need swiffering. can you believe i'm scheduling in swiffering? it's so easy i could have it done already but instead i blog. it's my release into the world. and another good avoidance of bed.

HaPpY BiRtHdAy PEANUT!!!

today we got the call. we have a baby. it's a boy. i knew it was a boy. FINALLY i get to use my new boy quilt. we will, however, have to wait until after court tomorrow to see how long i will get to use the quilt. it may be just a matter of hours. it could be weeks. but it could also be forever. only time will tell. our first hurdle is tomorrow's court date, then we regroup and go from there. he's a LOT healthier than anyone expected. MUCH MUCH healthier. that's really good news! tomorrow i'll find out what time we get to pick him up.

settling in....

i don't know what it is but today i finally was ready to get ready. i know it sounds strange. but since we found out i haven't been ready to open our 0-3 month box of clothes and see what we had to even know what i needed. i hadn't dug out the baby seat or really made any official arrangements. but today, i got inspired. after sweet pea woke up from her nap we went shopping for baby brother/sister clothes. we went to once upon a child only to find out that everything they had is gender specific. EVERYTHING. not one yellow or green item with out ruffles or butterflies or flowers on it. it was odd. but then i ran into goodwill and dug through their baby bin and found 5 or 6 outfits all yellow or green or white or brown that are gender neutral enough to get me through the first week. i also realized all of my baby girl clothes that are 0-3 months all have ruffles and butterflies and is pretty much pink. i guess i went pink-crazy last summer when sweet pea came home to us. and it's all summer stuff. but i'm good for now...once i know the gender and then once i know what the judge is going to do in the first few days, i'll go out and get tons more gender specific stuff. this afternoon i took apart the baby seat-including the straps-and washed the whole thing. it looks so clean i can practically see it shimmering from here. like those little cartoon stars are going to glisten and go "bing!" all around it. so now...i'm ready. i've got clothes. i've got the seat ready to go in the car. i've told my boss. i'm ready.

crib vs. bed

a LOT has happened this week. emotionally i'm drained. physically i'm exhausted. i need to take a 10 day nap. wednesday we were told get ready. today at 1:00 i was told don't quit my day job. and was asked if we had a crib. well, yes, we put sweet pea in her big girl bed so we can use the crib. then at 4:15 was asked when exactly i transitioned sweet pea into her big girl bed. well, it was almost a couple weeks ago, on the first. then i was asked who told me it was ok to transfer her. i said, well, nobody, i didn't realize i needed permission, nobody told us that in training....we just thought.... then i was told to call my pediatrician immediately to find out when the pediatrician thinks i should, it was too early and she was emotionally not ready. totally confused i called the doctors office and left a message for her nurse. the receptionist giggled that i had to ask, the nurse giggled when she called me back and the doctor said she'd love to learn where that came from because there's no connection to developmental security and transferring from a crib. i called back and said word for word what the doctor said and was told it's not her development, it's her emotional security. i sheepishly through tears asked if this jeopardized sweets taken out of our home and was told the county isn't that punitive. whatever that means. i finally told her that if they thought having the new baby come into our home was too much for sweets emotional needs they can place it somewhere else!!! i'd give up 10 babies if it meant keeping sweet pea! that may be what ends up happening since i have proven myself to be an unfit mother in the eyes of the county and clearly don't understand the delicate emotional needs of my child. the same child whom, i'm told, i understand better than anyone and they are just shocked at how well i can read her. ya-that's the child that i have now emotionally scared by putting her in her big girl bed at 20 months of age.

i called my foster mom extraordinaire to say "what gives?!" and she thinks there's just a lot of stress going around and it's all rolling down hill.

blabber mouth

sorry i haven't been posting lately. i question if i tell too much. i'm pretty sure the answer to that is YES! i keep asking what my limitations are. in training i pretty much felt like i wasn't allowed to tell much more than the child's name and interests. but lately there's been so much going on w/grandparents/new babies etc that information has just poured out of me. so i'm backing down in order to figure out what i can and cannot share.
i even suggested it for a topic in support group and was told "if we feel like we're sharing too much, we are." so. with that answer. i KNOW i'm saying way more than i should.

on news i can share...i heard from the girls' mom today. all 3 kids got chicken pox over christmas break. oy! i said it was only funny because it wasn't me. but it was a really sweet talk. she called JUST to chat. nothing more. just to chat. talk about warm fuzzies!

much disappointment...and hmmm...

this morning i was told the birth plan is for the grandparents to take peanut at this point. circumstances change...but that's the plan for now.

*edited to add: i just called my case worker to see what this does to sweet pea's case and she said they know they can't handle 2 babies. but she also asked me how i felt about meeting them. i said "oh we'd LOVE to!!!" so she's going to try and set that up.

WAITING!

earlier in the week i was told that the grandparents had until "the end of the week" to make a birth plan for peanut. today i was told some really fuzzy greying information. at first i thought there was some serious miscommunication. but as i talk to my friend jenn (fost-adopt-mom-extraordinaire) and i read between the lines i think they just can't tell me what is really happening. however, i was also told to prepare work for the possibility. i think that's good news, but the bad news is we still won't know ANYTHING for sure until peanut is here. it's ok. i'm not worried or paniced. i can wait.

tomorrow night we get recertified again. it will be good to go through this. tonight i sit here on the couch watching tv with a kitchen full of dishes, clothes-both dirty and clean-strewn about the entire first floor, medicines that i need to lock up, a book of rules and regulatioins to read and sign off on, and piles and piles of miscellaneous things i don't even know what they are.

on a good note from last night's post...tonight i updated my fertility software only to find out i'm a week earlier in my cycle than i thought. i thought i totally missed our chance this month but i didn't. not that it means anything but at least there's still a chance for one more week. and i started a new medicine last month and then didn't take it while i was in illinois and then started it again this week. holy. moly. the side effects for me are nausea (only until around 1pm or so), VERY frequent trips to the bathroom (like 5 by 1pm), and because i spent all morning munching on pretzels to settle my nauseasness i can't eat lunch until about 2:00. hmmm....not good for the diet. but only until 1pm. from 1pm to bedtime i'm great! jeesh! and again i ask why is this so easy for crackheads?!

beating a dead horse. and then beating it some more for good measure

today's one of those days. maybe i'm exhausted. or maybe reality is sinking in. or maybe i just need to accept defeat in the giving birth to a child department. yesterday was our 8th anniversary. we had a sitter lined up, 3rd time since Sweet Pea came home with us. every year for our anniversary we go out for a really REALLY nice dinner. last night was supposed to be fondue date night. i love fondue date night. we've only done it twice before and every time we feel like we have to be rolled out of the restaurant. but at 5:00 i got a call from daycare. "hi cheri? is nina. sweet pea has a fever of 101.6" "101!?" ".6" "ok. i'll be right there." i chatted paul. i called the sitter. i finished work and went to get her. she looked achy from across the room. i felt so bad for her. i brought her home and gave her dinner, she ate 2 bites and wanted to go to bed. i gave her tylenol and let her go to bed at 6pm. she didn't wake up this morning until 7:45am!!!!! almost 14 hours of straight sleep! but for some reason last night it sort of hit me. as handsome as paul is...his genes will never be carried down. my siblings all have kids and let me tell you we make beautiful babies. every single one of them. but we'll never know what our genes combined would make. it's just not gonna happen. today i took sweets to work with me because she has to be fever free for 24 hours. i know now why they don't have bring-your-toddler-to-work day. it was WORK. let me tell you. i was stressed by the time i got home tonight. not to mention i had to leave work early for acupuncture. so i came late, with a toddler and still left work early. i should be fired about 3 days ago but for whatever reason they haven't fired me yet. anyway. now i'm home. and all i can do is melt into the couch. i'm exhausted. and feel so defeated. why is it so easy for crackheads?

We're back!

we had a wonderful time in illinois visiting family and meeting new cousins, aunts, uncles, pop-pop's, great-grandparents, 2nd cousins, 3rd cousins and so on and so on. ugh! WONDERFUL time. sweet pea got to ride a train at one mall, a carousel at another. i've never seen such a look of elation on her face as when she got to ride the carousel. however. i've also never seen her throw such an instant fit as when the carousel stopped. she got to see family from both sides. she learned so much this week. mudders taught her how to play the piano. she's started talking up a storm and eating like a banchee. i can't wait for weigh in this wednesday morning. she also learned a new noise that is much like a growl with the pitch of a screech layered in. wow! she was making that noise as we were boarding the airplane to come home and i put her in time out in her stroller for making it. it's really an awful noise. after her time out was over i picked her up and was explaining that we don't make such awful noises and that's why she was put in time out and...then she interrupted me with a kiss. that was the end of that speech. and that awful noise. this morning when we went back to school she wouldn't let go of me until i explained that tonight we would come home and just hang out. no appointments. no errands. just hanging out at home. and then she decided to finally let my neck go. it was a wonderful time.