introducing peanut

well. this past week was full of news from the foster front. i've come to grips with what is about to happen and i'm ready to get some more prayer warriors on the home front. i found out this last week that sweet pea is going to be a big sister. yup. our birth mom is pregnant again by sweet pea's dad which means "peanut" will be here somewhere in the march-ish area. i have no idea if it's a boy or girl. i have no idea if there will be mental delays. i have no idea if the new baby will be nearly as perfect and wonderful as sweet pea. but i do know that paul and i both feel called to accept the new baby into our home and try to keep the kids together. our birth mom does not want the county to have anything to do with the new baby. and rightfully so. i totally understand her thinking. in her mind the county came in and took her baby away and gave her a checklist a mile long of impossible things she has to accomplish in order to get her back. in her mind we, as the foster parents for sweet pea, are as much a part of the county as the case workers, attorneys, nurses and infant care workers that give her endless unsolicited advice. so i completely understand why she's lumping us in with her hatred for the county. she doesn't know that we aren't told of every unfolding development in her case. she thinks we are, in fact, one well oiled machine that always tells the left hand what the right hand is doing. her plan at this point is to get a private agency involved to adopt out the new baby to a separate home. she has yet, however, to crack a phone book and find an agency to get matched up with an adoptive family. she also hasn't been eating, drinking, getting pre-natal care, taking vitamins, getting proper folic acid, or gaining weight. from what i'm told she's about the size of a 9 year old and is TINY. i cannot emphasize the tiny part enough. i'm not sure if they are expecting both or either mother and/or child to make it to full term. what this means for us is that i will need to quit working in order to spend time in the NICU with the baby in order for it to know there IS actually someone pulling for it and hoping for it and wishing it to be here. financially we are far from ready for that prospect. but we also feel that god has called us into this whole fostering business and know that he won't lead us where he cannot take us. i'm scared. i'm very scared. i had my first good cry about it tonight. yes. 4 1/2 days after the news i had a good cry. i just know we have a good thing going with sweet pea and i hope i don't ruin it being selfish in wanting to have more babies in the house. and so many people have asked me (just recently) if she has any siblings and i've said "no, and her parents have split up so she'll always be the only one." and it made me sad that such perfection would never be duplicated. and now to find out that it can, and HAS, been duplicated makes me think of all the but-what-if's in the situation. what if it has mental retardation? can we handle that? what if it has physical handicaps? can we handle that? what if it's not as perfect as sweet pea? is it even POSSIBLE to be as perfect as sweet pea? what if sweet pea gets upset that all of her love and affection that she's been showered with now has to be shared with peanut? will she hate us forever for that? all of these, and more, are the questions that leave me tossing and turning deep into the night. and i realize trying to keep this secret under wraps until peanut gets here is too much for me. i'm a blogger. i gotta talk. i gotta get my aingst out there into the world. so here's what you can pray for specifically:
1. that peanut makes it.
2. that the birth mom gets hungry and thirsty and is forced to eat and drink.
3. that peanut doesn't have delays more than therapies can reverse.
4. that peanut is as perfect as sweet pea (this one would be a miracle).
5. that the birth mom realizes the need to keep the kids together and if she doesn't
6. that she forgets (yes, this is possible) to line up an adoption agency
7. that the county is notified by all the right people immediately upon her labor beginning so that they are there in time to file the paperwork necessary to get custody if the birth mom forgets to line up an agency.
8. that peanut holds on long enough to be healthy, but not so long that more permanent damage is done.
9. that we can handle what is coming our way.
10. that financially i can find a job that can work around all of this.
11. that we're able to adopt through the county and not a private agency because the services that would be available to peanut are so far greater than what we could provide i can't even list them all.
12. that sweet pea is able to adjust and we are able to give her all the same love and attention that she gets now.
13. that the all of the right therapists and doctors and nurses and case workers and adoption agency workers are put in the path of everyone involved to provide us and peanut with everything we are going to need.
14. that my boss will go easy on me when i'm finally able to explain all of this (which will be much further down the road.)
15. anything else that the previous 14 points didn't cover.
i think i'm beginning to wonder now if it's probably a good thing that i haven't gotten pregnant because i'm not sure i have the patience to wait 9 whole months for a baby. it IS still possible for peanut to not make it so i won't tell work until i know that they are going to make it. somehow, i gotta let go of it and just let god do his thing.