we have a new worker-and she sees the chemistry

since day ONE the kids have known they are connected. they have a chemistry that i can't explain. when peanut wakes up and sweet pea runs over to see him he lights up. he smiles real big. now i know, i know, he's in the phase where he smiles at everything-but his smiles for her are different. he looks at her first. studies her for just a second and then smiles as if to say "i getcha."
well, the other day we got to meet our new case worker. the kids' case worker won't change...but mine did. i'm fine with it. it will be a good change. and while she was here peanut woke up from his nap. i went up and got him while sweet pea stayed downstairs and played. when i brought him back down sweet pea crawled up on my lap to see him right away, she always has to see him right away, and he looked at her, studied her for a second and then smiled his big smile for her. and sweet pea caressed his head and tilted her head to the side and smiled back. the case worker teared up and said "they really know each other." and i told her they've had that connection since the day he came home. she knew he was hers. and he knew her right away. they have a chemistry that cannot be explained. she said she wished i could tell more people about this. she saw it! and i love that there's someone else that can vouch for me and their chemistry! and now i know all the fighting i did to keep the kids together was worth it. just like the siblings in this post, i knew i had to fight for them.

i sound like an old person

i remember people saying it all the time when we were little, although they were usually referring to my brother dan. but kids grow up SO FAST! this weekend i switched out wardrobes since sweet pea's pants have been fitting like high waters for the past 3 weeks and there have been a couple times where i've gone to get peanut out of his crib only to find that he's literally outgrown his pajamas overnight. i can tell because his shoulders are protruding out the top of the neck of his jammies. it's amazing. i pull out clothes the next size bigger and think they could never fit in them only to find that they fit snug as a bug. makes me so sad to think they are growing up so fast, but so proud to realize that she is no longer failure to thrive. today i picked up sweet pea from her lunch spot and had to give a little extra heave-ho to her girth (if i can even call it that yet). and peanut can now hold his head up and find his fist when he's hungry. he sucks on his knuckles moreso than his fingers. it's the cutest sound even at 1am. i am now one of those mom's that puts the clothes away with a little tinge of "oh no! she'll never wear this again" or "he'll never be this small ever ever again in his life." but i know it's a good thing. i think the confusing part of foster is that as you rejoice in every ounce gained and every inch grown and every day closer to the next court date you can so easily forget to enjoy the here and now. i work on it daily, hourly almost. although i can't wait for the next court date, i sure want to enjoy the months in between.

vaccinations SUCK

monday i had to take peanut for his 2 month vaccinations. i made the appointment weeks ago, put it on the calendar, and then didn't think much of it. until i was there. and the nurse came out and gave me a form and then about 4 flyers about each vaccination and what each one vaccinated for. and then i had to initial next to each one. ugh! i asked if any of them had ANY thimerosal and was told no.

let me just get on a soapbox here. i'm not a conspiracy theory kind of person. for the most part i trust regulations and doctors and even the goverment...sort of. but when it comes to vaccinations, i think we are all lied to. i think the medical community isn't in on it-i think they have been duped as well. so when it comes to vaccinations, i think we're all along for a crazy ride and in 50 years when the truth comes out we'll all go "how did we not put the pieces together?"

that being said-i choked up when i initialed the ok on the form. then we had to wait and wait and WAIT for her to come back to get us for the shots. ugh. i wanted to run out. at that moment i remembered that my friend gina had taken her husband with her to get their baby's shots and thought "crap! why didn't i think of that weeks ago when i scheduled this?!" then she came out. we went back and i sucked it up. i thought i could do it no problem. i explained to sweet pea that brubbie was going to get his shots and he was going to be ok but that mommy was probably going to cry but it's ok.

then she put the first needle in his chubby little thigh. ugh!

and he did ok. he cried. just a little. i felt like i could hear "eye of the tiger" in one ear and "i'm every woman" in the other. then she did the next one and he really wasn't game for it, but he did ok.

then she did the third and as she put the needle in his little thigh she said "oh, this one stings a little." then he went stiff as a board, his face turned purple, he cried so hard he stopped making a noise and then the noise came back and he SCREAMED purple bloody murder. i started caressing his head the way i do to soothe him and it did NO good. it was like i wasn't even there! the nurse was talking to him real sweet and then she looked up at me. i was crying my eyes out. tears flowing down both cheeks. i tried to wipe them with the back of my hand but there was no hand back big enough for all those tears. and they kept coming and coming. she finally handed me tissues realizing that i was not going to be able to pull it together before i ran out of shirt sleeve. ugh!

let me tell you folks, if your friends have not prepared you: getting your kid vaccinated SUCKS! but he's doing fine now. he was achy and cranky that night but they had me give him tylenol every 4 hours and one dose at a time we made it through. i think he's forgiven me.

ice cream cones and panty hose was interviewed

a few weeks ago i got a comment from a guy who wanted to "interview" me about my blog. i was skeptical. i thought it was either spam, or worse, i'd end up on the today show. i thought about it for a few days then finally thought, well what's the harm, i can always say no. so i filled out the questionnaire and then got an error message. i thought ok-it's meant to be. i shouldn't have filled it out. and left it alone. then today got another email that my interview has been published here. however, it had my name on the tag. i emailed back and asked if they could remove my name and wah-lah! it's gone so i can post this. YAY!
if you click on the link, scroll down a half a page and you can see my interview. you can also vote for my blog every 24 hours and i could win something. (i don't know what.) not sure how i got nominated but i feel honored, like somehow someone thinks i'm interesting enough to interview me.

we have chub!

finally ONE of the kids has a roll!

and i love these little feet.

clarification on a couple things

i think i need to clarify a couple things. as i've called or emailed people about the kids' parents relinquishing rights 2 questions come up. the first is "Really?!!!" and the next one is "how could they do that?!" and i guess i should clarify. it's not that they didn't try everything in their power to get sweet pea back. remember, this has been going on since july. and they know the path they have gone down and they know it's even longer of a path for peanut. and whether they sign their rights away or not, the county is going to take them away for sweet pea anyway in the next month or so. they have come to every visit, every meeting, every court date, every treatment meeting, every support group but they just do not have the parenting skills it takes to raise a child who needs constant coaching and attention in regards to her eating and developmental needs. for people who have wanted kids for years and have been unable to fill that hole it's easy for us to pour everything in our beings into her. for people who just had her when they weren't prepared, ready or trying is a different story.

the other thing i want to clarify is that in all of our joy that they have signed and in our joy that we not only have sweet pea but we now have peanut too it's really important to remember that they are mourning the way we are rejoicing. just as it's not over for us, it's still not over for them. the toughest part is yet to come when they have to go to the judge's chambers and explain to her why they are giving up as parents. they still have to admit the failure that they are verbally. it's not just signing a form and walking away. this has been as heart wrenching for them as it is for us. so it's really important to remember that as you pray for us for peace and for patience, it's important that we all pray for peace for them in knowing that they have done the best thing they could for their kids by signing them away.

they didn't get to pick us. they didn't get to look through profiles of foster parents or potential adoptive parents. they did all they knew to do and the county swooped in, took their kids away, told them what they were doing wasn't good enough and "gave" their kids to people they don't know from adam. i say all of this to put in perspective why me and paul, by choosing to adopt their children no matter what the future holds for them or us, we are also choosing to love them and include them in our village. trust me. i did not dream of this as a child. i didn't play house with someone else's dolls. this just is not something you prep yourself for growing up or even in adulthood or even when going through infertility or even going down the road of foster-to-adopt. but all of a sudden. here we are. at this point where we have to make the decision to do for them what we would hope someone would do for us if the tables were turned. i don't know how to do this. i've not done it before just like they've not.

so please, as you pray for us, pray for them. i don't know what kind of support system they have, but i'm guessing it's nothing like the support system we have.

god's annoyed with my bossiness

so i keep telling you all how to pray and what direction we want things to go and then yesterday we went to court aaaaaand...i can post all of this because it happened in open court.....found out that both of our birth parents signed the relinquishment papers on both kids! what that means for most foster parents is WAHOO! THEY'RE OURS! but for us it means WOW WE ARE ONE STEP CLOSER. i only say this because i still have to guard myself a little bit. but now it's just a teeeny weeeeny tiny bit. they will still have 30 days to make sure they fully understand what they signed and that they are in agreement with what they signed. at that point the paperwork will begin for us to adopt them. peanut may lag behind sweet pea because of the timing of his birth vs. the timing of her case and the fact that they've had 7 more months to work on sweet pea's relinquishment. but at this point we can breathe easy and wait for paperwork. in all intensive purposes THEY ARE OURS!!!!! don't congratulate me just yet though. i'm still guarding that 1% chance. i kept waking up all night thinking "oh my gosh they signed. they really signed!"
and today i found out that no matter how uncle was doing on his home study because both parents wish the kids to be adopted together that DOES trump kin. so another answer to prayer there.

boundaries

this morning we were told that the birth parents want to have visits after the adoption is final. they are considering relinquishing on both kids which would mean it's easier for the uncle that has stepped forward because he wouldn't have to keep up with visit schedules. however, if he steps back and acknowledges that he can't do this we could adopt both kids this summer. if he doesn't back down-there's still a 50/50 chance they would split the kids up and peanut would go live with uncle. today is court for peanut. i don't expect to find out much about where things stand with uncle but for now i have to hope that his actions are speaking louder than his words. and then i have to hope and believe that social services is listening to what is speaking louder. yesterday was his last chance deadline for beginning his visits with peanut and he didn't make it. didn't call or make it. nobody knows why. today my case worker told me his visit schedule isn't what's important-it's his home study. but that if he's not making efforts that probably shows his intent. i'm all kinds of hopeful and confused and cautious all at once. please continue to pray that uncle's intentions are made known early on in the case and pray that he sees what it really takes to raise a newborn. a newborn who still could go for a bottle at 4:00am even though you just gave him one at 3:00am and 1:00am and 11:00pm. it's exhausting, let me tell you. and i look into that chubby little face and it looks back and smiles at me and i have to know i'm doing my #1 job: i'm teaching him bonding skills whether he gets to stay and bond with me forever or if he moves on and bonds again with someone new. let me tell you-SO HARD. love that little man and can't imagine what our birth parents are going through.

so hard not to laugh.....

when i'm telling sweet pea she has to be gentle with her little brother because he's just a baby and i look up and her head is smaller than his big ole melon and she can barely see over his bouncy chair. ugh! but it has to be said. he IS just a baby and she does have to be gentle. *sigh* how much longer can i call him her little brother?

ADH...wha??

here's an article my brother sent me about adhd and it has a nifty test. every year at college when the teacher majors got to a certain chapter in their books they'd come to me and say "hey...do you think you might have ADD?" at first i was like "you know, someone just asked me that last semester..." and after a while i realized it was the same time in every semester and it was when a particular class had gotten to a particular chapter in their class. i'm pretty sure i do have it but it doesn't bother me. i rather enjoy it. it helps me get more done. i have more thoughts and better dreams than most people. at least, that's how i see it.
Buuuuut I only made it halfway through the article before I had to jump ahead and do the test. Who are they kidding? If you have ADHD you CANNOT read that long of an article. Bullet points please. And cliff note the bullet points if you really want me to make it through. And if you want me to even NOTICE the test, there should be a link in the first line of the article. so i have done just that in this post to help out my fellow adhd-ers.

so logical and literal

tonight i said "mommy's pooped" and sweet pea pushed on my back to lean me forward and then the next thing i knew i felt her tiny finger pull the back of my pants out to look down my pants and check for poop. i started laughing instantly realizing what she was doing and clarified that i simply meant i was tired. ugh. that baby girl makes me LAUGH every day.

clueless and irritating

this is one of those posts where you're probably thinking "oh dear, was it me?" and it probably wasn't, i just get it so often it's hard to keep track of exactly which time it was that put me over the edge.
sometimes people say things to me, normally on facebook, and they have NO clue how it will effect me. how can they not know? because i don't even know until after they've said it. the strangest things will sting like a bee while other things that should hurt me to the core go right over my head like they asked me if i'd like a cup of coffee.
sometimes it depends on who said it. other times it will depend on when they said it. sometimes it doesn't bother me a bit at the time and then later i'm just so annoyed all i can do is roll my eyes like a junior high girl and click on the "hide" button. yes, i do that. then after i forgive them, i un"hide" them. it's how i cope.
i've recently been thinking about if we are truly ready to quit trying for our own since our house is currently at its limit, or if i really really really need to experience pregnancy just once. i KNOW you all mean well.....but....i'm not just saying that as an insurance to get pregnant because i "relaxed". yes, you are VERY well meaning in saying that. you also need to know that a) i might truly be ready to stop trying and b) it's been 3 years now. that's a mental benchmark for infertility and c) just because i stop trying does not mean i will automatically get pregnant because i relaxed. the statistics show, i've said it before, but i'll say it again, that the SAME NUMBER OF PEOPLE GET PREGNANT AFTER ADOPTION AS THOSE WHO CHOSE NOT TO ADOPT AND STILL GET PREGNANT. there are NO studies that prove that adoption OR giving up is a means to pregnancy. i REALLY appreciate the sentiment and i REALLY appreciate that you are grasping at straws to make me feel better. but you do NOT in any way, shape or form need to do that. sometimes i'm just telling you what's truly spinning through my head.
now, there's others that pop babies out left and right and with out thinking about it-because how COULD they know what almost 7 MILLION women they have NOTHING in common with struggle with?-they'll say the MOST insensitive thing like "well, i never know when i'll be popping out another." almost as if it's an inconvenience to them that they struggle with fertility instead of infertility. give me an effing break! (i'll keep it PG since my niece checks this blog. hi, adea!)
other times all it takes is one of those pregnant women to "like" one of my facebook statuses when i'm clearly referring to infertility and it feels like they are trying to come alongside me and say "i am here with you, i totally get it, that's exactly how i felt the 10 minutes i was waiting for my pregnancy test to turn up with the + sign i get minutes after trying to even GET pregnant." and i just want to strangle them with their stupidity.
*sigh*
for the most part, i'm over it. for the most part it doesn't bug me. but every now and again i just can't take it anymore and i think if i share with you the painful parts of my innards, then it's tit for tat for sharing some painful parts of your innards.
aaaaah. glad this is off my chest. sometimes i want to post some of the still-painful parts but i don't because i feel like i need to spare you, some of my loyal readers, or i'm afraid of who might read and get offended but if it's ok with you, i'd rather stay painfully honest. it is how this blog came about as my therapy anyway.

things i love about him....

1. his eyes. i can't explain them but they are really cute. very alert and dark dark brown like his big sissy.
2. his coos. omg. is there anything better than a baby's coos?
3. his smiles. just sitting around smiling ALL. THE. TIME. such a happy baby. and again he fits the name asher. (unless it's gas but he doesn't seem to fart that much.)
4. the way he smiles at me. 'nuf said.
5. his little butt like two nectarines. bigger than the plums he came with.
6. his wiggles. wiggles wiggles wiggles.
7. when he moves his tongue in and out of his mouth real fast after he eats.
8. his soft baby head with all of his silky hair.
9. the wrinkles on the back of that soft baby head.
10. the fuzz on the backs of his ears. he's still not outgrown it.
11. ugh! his hairy old man back. SO CUTE! i just know what he's gonna look like on the beach when he's 50.
12. that he's already on a schedule and i can predict what and when he will do things next.
13. that he is so much like his big sister i feel like i have 2 sweet peas. and remember when i prayed that i would feel like peanut was as perfect as sweet pea? well, the prayers worked. he IS as perfect as his wonderful big sister.
14. that he takes his morning naps strapped to me in his snuggli carrier while we're at parks or libraries or museums to help sweet pea keep from getting bored. a bored toddler is a hitting toddler.
15. that he knows my buttons and up to a few days ago insisted that all his naps be accompanied by me.
16. i love watching the chemistry between the two kids. it's werid, strange, and amazing all at once.
17. i did mention his coos right? can i count that as 2 because i really love them.
18. that he loves to cuddle.
19. the way he curls his forehead up before he sticks his bottom lip out and CRIES like a baby. ugh! love it!
20. sometimes when he's really mad and cries he gets all dramatic and has a special cry for when he REALLY wants you to know he's mad.
that's it for now. i have thousands more but this is just whats on the top of my head.

just saying.....ok-i'm over analyzing agian

today i had a talk with someone from our case. i found out more information on the family member that stepped forward. the more i hear about them the more unstable i feel about them. i asked if there's any way the GAL would go to court and recommend splitting up the kids and sending them to a family member that will probably be unemployed by fall and she shook her head no and then stopped and said "i can't speak for her but i can't imagine she ever would. but i've not been involved in any cases where it's gone all the way to termination." so we'll see. i feel better. i just have to remember marvin prayed it.
i took the kids to the park to hang out with my new friend dawn and her little guy right afterwards and got to talk it out a little. sometimes i just have to hear my thoughts out loud to know how crazy the reality of it all sounds.
in other news, sweet pea has a fun little toddler habit called "hitting". it's really fun. you never know when a tiny chubby little hand will swipe across in front of you. she doesn't hit hard and most of the time it's a half-hearted attempt but it's the attitude behind the half-hearted attempt that wears me down. i have figured out though that, for the most part, if i keep her busy enough we don't have to deal with it too much. this week we have been to 2 parks, had an errand day and tomorrow will go to tiny town. we've never been before, but i think it's a toddler oriented playland of sorts. we went last week and the whole way there i told her how fun it was going to be and how we were gonna play and play and play and we got there and it was closed for spring break. JEESH! so we did a quick reroute and played on the playground. here's hoping tomorrow goes smoother!

peanut has a name

if things progress all the way to adoption with peanut we will get to give him a middle name. and we've decided what it's going to be. we also reserve the right to use the name again if he goes on to someone else. but for now...here's the scoop. we are really into the meaning of names. in the bible, genesis chapter 30, it talks about jacob and leah and their trying for a child. leah was unable to get pregnant so she gave her handmaid, zilpah, to jacob to bear children for her. she had 2 sons and leah named them gad, which means good fortune, and asher, which means "he makes his mother happy" or simply "happy" or "the women will call me happy" depending on the version. for this reason we are going to name him asher. i know, technically he's our first and should be called gad but it just doesn't have the ring as asher. (totally kidding-i would never name a kid gad. but if you named your kid gad....um...it's a wonderful name. i'm sure you are very fortunate....to have friends that are very kind and supportive.) i will continue to call him peanut for the sake of the blog but am excited to have gotten to chose a name for our little buddy. and continue to hope that things progress and we get to give him our last name.
in that vein of information, we found out today that we have a date for the termination hearing for sweet pea. well, not the exact DATE but we have the week. the last week of may. the week before that they'll give us an exact date and time. at that point the case will be presented to the judge and the judge will decide if the parents rights should be terminated, or if they did all that they should have in order to get her back or if the county did not do all they possibly could to reunite sweet pea with her birth parents. i feel so excited. like it's been coming for so long and all of a sudden it's here i feel like my head is spinning that it could actually happen. that i could actually be a mother. with a real live daughter. not a pretend foster-daughter but a full fledged she's-mine-for-the-rest-of-her-life daughter!!!! and then the countdown begins for peanut.

Validation

sooooooo i have found that now that i'm not making a paycheck i need a LOT of validation. not in the "the house looks great" "dinner's delicious" "you're the best wife in the world" kind of way. but in a "oh my gosh-am i really a contributing member of society?" way. i never saw it coming. but this last week i was pissed at paul all week long and finally i sat down and thought about what, exactly, it was that he was not giving me and i realized....nothing. this is how our life just is, i just never had the time to notice it. i'm over it now. but it was an eye-opener. i've never looked at other stay-at-home mom's and wondered what their purpose in life was. or if they were doing their part to make the world turn. but apparently in some tiny corner of my mind i thought my working in title, escrow and real estate for the past 8 years is what has kept the economy ticking. ha! guess the world turns just fine with out me making a paycheck. shocker.

mushmouth

love this picture.

clickity clack

when sweet pea wears these shoes she refuses to let you carry her. she loves to walk....make that stomp...in them because of the way they go clickity clack all the way across the parking lot. and bonus points if you take her somewhere with a tiled floor. *ugh* i just love these little chubby legs in tights and mary janes.

i'm a sucker for these. but i don't have a minivan

Make your Stick Figure Family at FreeFlashToys.com

awe, it cut off tatum! whatta jip!

what is probably happening when it's really quiet and your back has been turned for about 3 minutes