not as scary as i thought

tonight i went to my first acupuncture appointment. she was super nice and calm. she had me fill out a questionnaire and then we talked a little bit about our journey so far. she didn't suggest that western medicine was cah-cah or that i should give up on it or not listen to my doctor. she really wanted to know what i was diagnosed with so far. and then she told me to take off all my jewelry and clothes and put on a robe. she forgot to tell me i don't have to take off ALL my clothes. my inner nudist took it upon herself not to be modest and leave her undies in the changing room. so she put a couple pins in each ankle. a couple pins in my arms and then she asked me if i was right or left handed and put a pin in my right ear. weird. i felt like i looked like Pinhead but i looked down and the needles were laying against my skin, more like a porcupine than pinhead. it was interesting. then she talked to me about my diet and, well, are you sitting down? i have to give up sugar. completely. i can hear you laughing from here and it's not nice. i asked if i could eat all natural sugar and just not refined sugar. nope. i can have honey or agave. *sigh* that is gonna be the hardest part. i teared up when she said that. i asked her if i can still go running and she said "well, how bad do you want to have a baby? it's up to you." kinda like when we tell the kids "you can have a good attitude or go to your room...it's your choice." *sigh* i can do it. i know i can. and ironically i came home determined to eat up all the ice cream in the freezer since i'll start the new me tomorrow, but somehow just knowing that sugar is just a stepping stone to getting pregnant makes the ice cream completely unappetizing.

can't wait to be sitting on pins and needles

guess what. it's day 44 and you'll never guess what happened. i finally started. sloooowwwly. but i started. i have never been happier to get a period before in my life. well, maybe once before. but i was seriously starting to question if i was starting menopause. a few years ago i would have thought i was pregnant. even a few months ago. luckily though, last week i had pulled my trusty thermometer back out so i knew my temps weren't high enough for pregnancy. BUT if they weren't high enough for pregnancy, one of two things should have been happening. either my period, which clearly wasn't coming. or i should be miscarrying, which i knew was impossible since my pregnancy tests were all negative. trust me, this time i wasn't testing with hope, i was testing to be SURE i knew what was going on. if i was continually having early miscarriages that would have been a totally different situation and i would need to be aware of that. so-anyway-all of this to say-my body WAS decoding correctly, but for some reason it just wasn't doing what it was supposed to in reasonable time.
tomorrow i have my appointment with molly and i can't wait because now that i'm CD1 tomorrow (that's code for cycle day)(and it's 1 because they don't count your first day if it starts after 5:00pm) we can officially get started free and clear. no more waiting for 'what if'. i hate waiting for 'what if'. and i love moving forward. so here goes nothing.

dang. ok. and garage saling

yesterday i went garage saling and found some super deals. this time i kept my eyes peeled for boy clothes. i'm collecting for ages 2-ish to 5-ish give or take. i found one lady selling everything for a quarter. i about bought her out. then i found another lady selling everything for 50 cents. i bought two pairs of pants-one khaki, one pair of jeans and 4 onsies (they were a quarter a piece.) all in all it was a good find day. got a couple pairs of jammies so that we are at least prepared for a couple nights and a few days before we'll have to hit the stores when new kiddos come and frankly, i'm thinking boys this time and definately younger. i'm really REALLY hoping to find a part time job. not 10-5:30. i'm talking 20 hours a week. our budget will be tight, we'll have to cut back on entertainment again but i need a rest. i need to stop and smell the roses...besides smelling roses is free anyway.
this morning we went out for donuts and then took toots to the dog park, let her run herself silly and came home to a message from molly. she has had a cold and wants to reschedule for tuesday, thursday or friday. tuesday will be great. i can't stand to wait another day. as it is i'm on day 3 of this accupuncture idea anyway. and it will give me another day to wait for my stupid period to surface. i'm now on day 43 of what for normal women is 28 days and for me is typically 36 days...and waiting. no positive test yet. but no period and no other signs so i'm not holding on to hope that it's a false negative. now i'm just holding out hope it's not early menopause. *sigh* pisser!

back in the saddle

ok. here goes. one more time.
i realize that with this whole trying to make a baby thing i give things a whirl for all of 3 days (as gina puts it) and if it doesn't work i move on. very true. i tend to go big the first time or don't go at all and while i know this about myself i still do it. after sending the girls home i realize making a baby should be easy. and i'm not ready to give up. i will still want to continue being a foster mom. i love giving to kids, and embracing families that need it. we all need a little help at some point, right? anyway. monday night i'm going to see an accupuncturist. i know she's going to change my diet, not let me eat so much sugar, cut out the cold drinks and no fudging on the no dairy stuff. sure we don't drink milk. we make our own soy/rice milk ice cream. don't really eat cheese. but i still do margarine. and every now and then yogurt. my biggest downfall is a carmel or mocha frapaccino with no whip. it's my kriptonite. but i'm ready to make some changes. i called molly and we chatted for a bit and she told me she has one client that has been trying for 7 months but other than that everyone else is pregnant. except the ones that quit but she doesn't count those. so i REALLY don't want to turn into one of the ones that quits. so here goes nothing. again-please don't ask if i'm pregnant. i'll let you know when i am. do you think a blogger is REALLY going to be able to keep that kind of secret for long?
pray it works. and pray that i can stay away from the frapaccinos. although i usually only have 2 or 3 a month, that in itself will be work.

again. same story. different post.

i'm having a pisser day today. i am now on day 40 of my cycle. longest cycle to date! i'm so pissed. i think my body is giving up on me. i've tested twice and nothing. but i'm getting hot flashes and i don't feel like my period is anywhere in sight. i have little cramps every now and then and then nothing. no period. no spotting. no positive test. just waiting. waiting for my period. waiting to start again. meanwhile the pregnancy announcements are coming at me left and right. and today i just want to cave in and cry for days. i'm so sick of feeling like this isn't fair. i've tried moving on. tht didn't work either. i've tried giving up. and again, no luck. i don't know where to go or what to do or how to get myself beyond all of this.
i wish i could quit my job and just stay home and paint my toenails and not stress. but then i'd just be stressed about money anyway and go back to work.

i get to see my girls!!!!

i talked to the kids' mom tonight. and she let me talk to the kids and even little brother asked to talk to me! she loves me. yeay!!! and i'm fine with that because i love her too and i can't explain it. how do you explain loving a woman whose kids you took care of when they were at their worst because the state says she's not capable of doing it? i don't know. i think it's a god thing. but i hug them and tell them i love them even if it might freak them out. i feel like if this is my ONLY chance for them to see god i want them to see all of him. then every other chance i get after that is just a bonus. but i called tonight and they were clearly screening their calls because they called me back minutes later. but they called me back! so i was excited. i'm still cleaning up the pieces. but i get to see them wednesday to take them some stuff they left. i'll find any excuse to go see them. "ooo-i found a lint ball of older's...i'm pretty sure she wants it."
but i am already buying stuff for our next placement and i'm going young boys for the next one. tonight i got some sponge bob square pants soap dispenser and a garfield soap dispenser. the other day i got little people toothbrushes. and when i was garage saling i got some good abc books and stuff for younger people.
i'm glad they got to go home but i'm SO GLAD i get to see them wednesday!

first date jitters

i didn't call the girls yesterday and today. i think i deserve an award. however, tonight we came home from a wedding and had a message and my heart skipped a beat that maybe they had called and i wasn't here to take it. but the message wasn't them. and then my heart skipped a beat that maybe they are waiting for me to call them. or maybe it's just too early for them to think i should be calling. so should i call them or should i wait for them to call me or just not wait anymore period and call? *sigh* anyway. i think i will call them tuesday to tell them i got their painted pottery projects and see when i can take them down.

today while we were getting the present for the aforementioned wedding i got a pack of kid toothbrushes and tearless shampoo so that JUST IN CASE we get a placement sooner rather than later i'm prepared for the first night. my beds feel empty and they're starting to complain. tatum, however, is not. she is LOVING being the only child again. she's been smiling since friday night. little booger.

another round...maybe a boy this time though.

the other night when rosie, our case worker, came by she asked "well, how do you feel about doing this again? i know you said this will probably be your only one" i looked at paul and paul looked at me and we laughed and said, "ya know, we just got into our groove with the girls. why don't you give us a couple months to regroup?" and she said "so....do you want me to call you in late july?" i said "when you say call us...do you mean you alone, or you with little people in your backseat?" we decided that we could wait until the end of july before being actively ready for anymore calls unless it's a friday night and she has a little person sitting in the office with her and then we'll take them IF she can find someone else by monday. all this to say, i guess we're open for another round. but this time WAY younger and i might be a little more interested in boys. i'm hoping less hormones might make a difference.

today while garage saling, my bike almost got sold 3 times. but i did find some good stuff. i got a bunch of kids books for $3 and a marble that has a little gold band around it that says the golden rule. it's the first rule we teach the kids that come into our house so i thought it would be worth the dime the lady was asking for it to have something tangable for the kids to hold on to if they are having a tough time learning it. and i got one of those butterfly lawn chairs for a buck. they are super comfy but you have to commit to sitting in them because they are hard to get out of. and i got a hamburger press for 10 cents. anyhow, i kept looking for good things for little people. so i guess i'm more ready than i thought. all in all i found quite a few little treasures for $4.50.

then i came home and took a 3 hour nap. mmmmm...sleep!

slow and easy good-bye

Yesterday was our last day with the girls. They keep saying "our last breakfast, our last waffles" etc and I'd pretend sob but I've already prepped them that that night I would CRY CRY CRY when they left. And when I told the YMCA leader yesterday morning I cried and he got choked up because EVERYBODY loves these girls. They are so great to have around. So...made me sad all over again. But I told the Y counselor that the kids can make cards for the girls if they want next week and I can get them to the case worker to take to them.
Paul and I took off work a little early to have a little more time with the girls and not be rushed out the door at 6pm when we got home. I let them play with the neighbor kids for a while, then I said I wanted to play one more game of LIFE with them. I had the neighbor kids come in for popsicles and a round of LIFE because I know it's hard for the girls AND the neighborkids to say good-bye. While we were playing the phone rang. It was the CASA, the person who visits with the family outside of visiting hours. it's like a bonus visit every now and then, but they also happen to be assistants to the GAL's (guardian at litum's). She said they had been trying to get ahold of me all day and wanted to know if we would mind driving the kids to their parent's house. ??? I said, you mean where they're going to live?! And she said yes. I said "no! we're free all night, we can do it." so she gave me their address and the kids' case worker was picking up little brother and meeting us there. we quickly loaded up the truck and drove down there. i had the kids guess what their new address was. it was a fun little game. everything is new and exciting for them. we pulled up to the house and their dad came out to meet us. paul got out and shook his hand, i got out and, of course, gave him a hug. i never know when to not hug so i find it appropriate in most circumstances. i told him "thank you for sharing your girls. i know it wasn't by choice but we sure have loved them. and everyone they come in contact with says the same thing. you really have 3 very special kids." and their dad is a real quiet guy and he smiled and said he agreed, they were very special. then their mom came out and i hugged her too and told her congrats on getting the kids back. the girls were really excited. then the girls came running back out of the house "you gotta come see our rooms!!" but i told them we needed to ask their mom if that was ok. she said sure. so i went in and saw their rooms and their dolls and their dressers. they were super excited and just running wild all over the place finding their bearings. but then the case worker asked us if we'd be comfortable giving them our phone number and i said "absolutely!" so we exchanged phone numbers. the girls wanted me to tell their parents about our church so i told them about it. they only live about 5 minutes away from it, whereas we live a half an hour away from it. so it's super close for them. i told them younger loved it, older sometimes liked it other times didn't care for it but it's a very accepting church and not real hymny or anything like that. then the kids' case worker said "oh, my brother-in-law is the children's leader there." i said "scott?!" "ya!" weird. small world. anyway, if they come YAY YAY YAY and if they don't, i understand. but we mulled around for a half hour or so and then i said "well, i guess we better get going and let you guys be a family again." but i hugged their dad one more time and said "we're here to support you guys as a family unit so if there's anything we can do please don't ever hesitate to call. we love you guys and support you and anything we can do to make things easier, please let us know." then i went outside and hugged their mom and told her what i had told the kids' dad and she thanked me again. and i know she means it. it was really a special time and i could feel the love and support from all of my friends and family that have been keeping us in their prayers. i didn't cry-and i think knowing where they live and having their phone number really really helped make the transition much easier for me.
we then went and had a well deserved beer and a burrito with MEAT and came home and watched "he's just not that into you" cute movie. and best of all, it didn't involve miley cyrus.

court

i went to court today and the judge granted the request for the girls to be returned to their parents custody tomorrow. i'm sad but i'm praying for them as a family. when the parents were leaving the courtroom they were beaming and we made eye contact, i smiled at them to acknowledge that we all knew who each other were and their mom said from across the room to me "THANK YOU!" i just nodded my head and then burst into tears with little brother's foster mom. i KNOW it's a good thing. and i know it's the ultimate goal of the courts but it just makes me sad and i hope those parents appreciate their girls more now that they've almost lost them.

it's going ok. our case worker had JUST come home when Paul did so once they were in the door I told the girls "we have some good news." and I went on to tell them how "me and Miss Colleen (their brother's foster mom) went to court today because mommy and daddy had a court date. and they asked the courts if you could go home and the judge granted that request, so tomorrow night when we get home your case worker is going to meet us here and pack up your stuff and take you to your mom and dad's new house." At first they were just shocked and processing it, then they got teary eyed and then they got excited and squealed. So it was cute. Then our case worker helped me go through all their stuff and sort out what needs to go and what doesn't. We ate dinner, then went to a paint your own pottery place and each of us painted one thing and it had to be for them. not me or their mom or their dad, for THEM to use. They picked little boxes that was a heart with wings. Then we went home and packed, I am sending home everything that fits. they went to bed around 11:30, at midnight I put the last load of laundry in. I have NO idea if we've gotten everything but we'll just keep watching. The pottery stuff won't be done until Tuesday so I'll drop it off with their case worker and have her take it down there to them and if we find anything in between here and Tuesday I can send it then.
They had all kinds of questions I told them daddy looked very handsome in a button up shirt and mommy was all dressed up in a black dress with wooden beads over the shoulder. Then they wanted to know "wait, who asked if we could go home?" And I told them "Sharon" (their guardian at litum-the person that represents the children in court) and all night they've been saying "THANK YOU SHARON! Isn't Sharon GREAT?!" it was funny. What little they do understand about it all.

hello goodbye

last week we were told the girls are going home. probably by school. tuesday at 11am we were told they will go home this friday at 6:00pm. unless the judge says otherwise tomorrow, we will be childless by fathers day. it's ok. we knew it was coming. just not so abruptly. it makes me sad. very sad. but i have high hopes for them as a family and they might as well get started being that family. pray for them. pray for us. pray for the kids. and did i mention pray for me?
tonight we went out for dinner for my birthday and then came home and took some "family" pictures. it was very much like the calvin & hobbes cartoons where you try and try and try. i think we got it on the 7th take. i would love to post but i can't because of confidentiality. they are so funny. we have thoroughly enjoyed and loved them. and with that comes fought and disciplined and then fought some more. i can only hope we planted seeds. i'm going to REALLY cross my fingers that they will some day darken the doorway of our church so i can still see them. they love coming to church. their parents asked if we would be willing to keep in contact after they go home because of how much the girls have bonded with us. we of course said absolutely. pray pray pray.

trying to save a buck

i recently purchased a set of dog clippers at the store. i was thinking we could just trim around tatum's eyes and her etcetera's between groomings. but this week we thought maybe, just maybe, we could trim her ourselves and save a few bucks by not taking her to the groomers. it started out...ok. it's just a lot of hair. so we cut it with scissors first. then we tried to use the clippers to get the rest of her. it was when we rounded her back and started for her head that i realized a 25 pound dog can still have the strength of a titan in their neck alone. that was before i found the accidental cup holder paul gouged into her fur on the right side when the clipper guard fell off. i didn't say i bought GOOD clippers. as soon as the hair starts settling from the air i'm hoping to get the rest of this fur out of my nose. she doesn't look THAT bad but i'm not going to advertise just yet. we're going to let her rest and try again in a few weeks. maybe with some practice.....

better ice cream

tonight i made vegan chocolate ice cream again. the last time it tasted like a ghost of chocolate past. this time i added 1/3 cup of cocoa (hershey's special dark cocoa) to the tofu mixture and it made it much better. next time i think i'll throw in a bit of sugar too to sweeten it up a bit, or maybe some honey. not sure. but it definitely needed some experimenting. it's really yummy with a few chocolate chips thrown in but that's because i like crunchy things.
i also, somehow, kinked my neck on monday and it's still hurting. i'm not sure if it's gonna go away on its own like it normally does or if i'm gonna have to break down and go to a professional. *sigh* dangit.
we pray with the kids often. dinner. bed time. when they hurt themselves. we're just trying to instill some basics wherever we can sneak them in. so tonight we were praying at bedtime and little brother decided he wanted to add a little bit. so he started out "god jesus...." instead of "dear jesus". ugh! i could eat him up he's so cute.

it's back

i'm sad again.
it's the full on depression kind of sad.
the kind where i wish i could just stay in my bed and cry for the next few days.
i feel like everyone around me is able to get pregnant and here i sit. with tumbleweeds rolling around where there should be babies kicking. i feel even more left behind than i already did. i feel like now there's yet another baby that will celebrate birthdays while me and paul are still trying. and i'm sooooo happy for the friends that have gotten pregnant lately. it's not the kind of friends that already have 10 and then "try" for a month and wah-lah get pregnant. it's the kind of friends that were in the thick of it with me. and have been trying and trying and really didn't have any hope or expectations anymore and wah-lah got pregnant. the happy kind of pregnancy announcements.
but then we got some unexpected news on the foster front tonight and that's just compounding the reality of my life, i guess. i knew they were going to go home the whole time. it's not a surprise. i didn't know the day we got the call and they came to live with us. i didn't know the first month or so that they were here. but now i know. they really do have very loving parents. they are very lucky, which in turn, makes us very lucky because we have great girls. but. it has made it very apparent that we will never be their parents.the foster thing is fun. but they aren't mine and they never will be mine and they love their parents more than me and that's how it always will be. so i'm not sure that this is quite what i had hoped for. i'm so glad i can be there for the girls in this crazy time of their lives.and i have come to realize how hard it is to go out of your way to do something really great and fun for the kids only to have to turn to them and say "have you ever done this before?" i want to be the person that already knows what they've done and what experiences they've been through since conception. i don't want to have to guess. i don't want to have to ask.
and i know god has promised me a houseful of children. i just hope it's not a houseful of other people's children.
anyway. this is a pretty disconnected post and it's not flowing like they normally do. but there you have it. the yucky, choppy, disconnected truth.

future flight attendant

i'm not sure where it comes from but whenever little brother points he uses two fingers. it's so funny. two fingers like a flight attendant. not his two first fingers, it's his first finger and middle finger together-like they are glued. i wish you could see it.

little brother

i have a new character to introduce. it's little brother. because we only have one extra room and the kids ages are too wide they have a little brother that lives about 20 minutes away from us. although they see each other at visits twice a week our family and his family try to get together as much as humanly possible and still have lives. this week little brother's family is going out of state on a pre-planned family vacation and couldn't take him. so. he gets to come stay with us. he is cute as punch. cute as pie. cute as a bug in a rug. all of those sayings-he's that plus. he is what every parent dreams their kids look like and his personality matches to boot. adorable. great hugger. always trying. and still has a touch of baby talk. ugh! i could eat him up. tonight he was playing baby tiger and accidentally bit my face. and even THAT was cute. anyway-we get him for a whole WEEK and we could not be more excited. and the kids LOVE getting to be together for more than an hour. today we took all 3 of them to see UP and we got popcorn and sodas to fully enjoy the movie theater experience. it was too much fun. and in the first 5 minutes of the movie we were all crying. younger said "this movie kinda makes my eyes teary." ya-no kidding! she told me as i was wiping my eyes with salty popcorn stained napkins. then we came home and had quiet time, which is code for paul and cheri need a nap. then me and older went grocery shopping. each week one of them comes with me and we go to sonic for a slushy and one-on-one time which is like opening pandoras box to their feelings. it's interesting each time. so i got some good bonding time in with older before the week begins. it's really hard for her to let go of her mothering/protector duties and having little brother here adds to her pressure. i always reassure her that paul and i will do our best and that she doesn't have to carry on that role at our house. younger was having issues earlier because her role as family princess has been compromised by the little prince. we'll have to be careful to still allow her to be our little princess this week. anyway-that's all for now.

i'm puzzled

i have brock & liz's permission to show them pictures of violet's quilt. i know that they check the blog so i was afraid to post with out telling them and ruining any surprise. this is the first quilt i've done without a border and at first it felt naked but it's growing on me. the pattern shows the pieces all the way to the binding. i'm putting alot of quilt work into it because the blocks are about 9 inches wide and it just felt so blocky with out something going across the middle of the block. more pictures will follow i'm sure.
(don't forget-you can click on the picture to see more detail of the fabrics.)

computer whiz

i wuv my doggie. she's just checking her dogbook.