Wednesday, June 30, 2010


today i'm suffering from a bout of post traumatic stress disorder. last night sweet pea pulled out the 2 of all 2's on me. in a RESTAURANT no less! omg. i wanted to MELT into my seat. i wanted to run out of there screaming from the monster she had become. i wanted to put a billboard above our heads saying "i'm just her foster mom-she seems to have been raised by wolves". ugh! i was SO MAD! paul said "what'd you do?" and for the life of me - i can't remember. i think i just froze. i know at one point i gave her a time out. but i also remember seeing her placemat, full with forks, crayons, water cup and straws go FLYING through our booth. shrapnel everywhere. under her chair was a wet chaos i've never seen her produce before. people were looking and pointing. some parents were smiling as if to say "been there. good luck." while others acted like i had brought tarzan to dinner. believe me, i felt like i had! we slithered out of there, forgetting our left overs for obvious reasons, and went next door for ice cream. there emerged the perfect ANGEL i am used to touting about. she crawled up on a bench and made friends with a nice couple with a labradoodle. she hugged all the dogs and waved and said "i'm TWO!" with such pride. i couldn't BELIEVE it was the same animal that had just come out of the saucy noodle just down the street. today we ran errands and i must say i was still in a bit of shock. i'm pretty sure i'm still suffering from some PTSD today. shell shocked is a good word for how i'm still feeling when i think about it.
thank god she's cute because lord have mercy-if she was ugly AND naughty we'd be hated all over denver right about now.

Sunday, June 20, 2010


we had a birthday party for sweet pea today. we've been telling her that 28 people are coming to celebrate that she was born. we've been getting decorations and cupcakes decorated and preparing all week and all the while telling her that we were doing it for her birthday party. so today when we went to the park to set up and wait for all of our friends and family she had fun playing in the water feature but still didn't understand that it was all in HER honor. until we sang happy birthday and we got to the part where we said "dear sweet peaaaaa" and she sheepishly smiled, looked around her, looked up at me and beamed. it was in that moment that every penny we spent putting this party, this "first" birthday party, together for her TOTALLY worth it. as we pulled away from the park she waved good-bye. she took a nap with her elmo balloons right next to her crib. tonight when i was tucking her into bed i asked her if she had a happy birthday party and she shook her head yes. tonight she went to bed with one of her new books from aunt dawn. i think she finally gets what having a birthday is all about.

here's a picture of her elmo cupcakes. my friend kristin gave me the idea. i added the oreo mouths because elmo needs a semi-circle mouth, dontchaknow.

and here's a picture of the aftermath of her cupcake.

it was an amazing day and i can't thank all of our friends and family that came enough for making it such an amazing and special day for her. it brings tears to my eyes to think of how special she felt today. and that will be with me forever.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Great Sand Dunes National Park

Did I mention we had SO much fun camping this last weekend? LOVE camping. All 4 of us. The kids just smile the WHOLE time they are camping. It was Peanut's first expedition so I was relieved to see he loves it as much as his big sister. It was gorgeous and SO much fun to go with our extended family to have people to share in the joy. It looked like the Sahara landed at the end of the Rockies. AMAZING place.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

on a more serious note....

sorry to all my bloggie friends for not updating more. i'll just be painfully honest in this post and those that get offended can get over it because it's my blog and it was meant to be my therapy.

i've gotten more pregnancy announcements than i can handle lately. i know. you're thinking "you've got two kids. get over it." shut up. you've clearly never dealt with infertility to the point of adoption so you can just shove it or open your mind to what i might be going through. even though "i've got two kids" doesn't mean i won't mourn the loss of the kids that have paul's genes. or never fearing the dreaded 18th birthday when birth families can come back into the picture. i don't know what to expect with our birth family so it's hard not to think as soon as the kids turn 18 they are moving back in with their birth families never to be heard from again. it's totally their choice. and it's a hard fact to face day after day knowing that if they chose that we're left, once again, childless. not that i know anyone who was adopted that did's just my imagination going wild.

that being said, we are beyond humbled that we get to adopt these children and raise them as our own. they are more like us than their birth families sometimes. we got to meet with our birth dad last week. he told us he's not such a fan of camping. which made me giggle a little bit inside because normally people that like to camp have kids that hate to camp and then their grandkids love to camp. it seems the love of camping skips a generation. so i'm thrilled to know our birth dad doesn't like it. because let me tell you, his kids do. when i pull out the camping gear sweet pea SQUEALS with delight. this last weekend we went camping with our extended family and both kids smiled the whole time.

so...i kinda glossed over that little part where we met with our birth dad. *sigh* it was the most intense hour of my life. i cried. he cried. i cried some more. he cried again. paul just sat real quiet. (that's his version of crying.) but we explained a little bit more about ourselves. i explained that we can't have kids of our own so his kids are it for us. and he said shockingly "why?!" and i just explained "they don't really know. a little of this...a little of that. not real sure." it was interesting to me that he can't imagine why anyone CAN'T get pregnant since it seems to happen when he breathes in the general direction of our birth mom. let's hope he stops breathing on her because we have a little house.

there are days where i have a REALLY good attitude about infertility. but there's days where it still kicks me when i'm down and i can barely pretend to be nice. i'm sure pregnant friends expect a huge congratulations, and i'm terribly sorry i don't have it in me. but i don't. so please don't expect it. also don't expect that i don't want to be friends anymore. that's not the case. but for the next 9 months i won't be looking at your stomach. for some reason i'm still really excited when the babies come and they are out. but i just can't rejoice at the pregnant part. maybe i know too many people with emotionally painful pregnancies that it's hard to rejoice when it's just a pregnancy and not a real live baby. i've known women to lose pregnancies in the 40th week. so to be excited before it's a real live baby is hard for me. i don't know.

this post is sort of a heart-barfing post. there's just so much to update you on and they are so intertwined it's hard to post about adoption without the infertility.

as far as our case seems like it's all happening so fast i can hardly post fast enough. it feels like all these months of visits and documenting and doctor appointments and court dates and all of a sudden there's no more. no more visits, no more court dates, no more documentation of behaviors. there are still evaluations and therapies but that's a drop in the bucket compared to all the other appointments we've been up against. and then the emotional *whew* of it all being over with. our hearts ache for our birth dad and at this point we will not get to keep contact with him and that's very hard for me and paul. we understand the kids need separation but it doesn't make it any easier for us to know they will have that separation.

i guess there's no good way to wrap up this post. it's so random. but there's what's on my heart. sorry if you're offended. well, honestly, no i'm not.


i remember when her bites were barely nibbles. now when she wants a bite of my food i have to think twice if i'm really willing to give up that much. of course, the answer is always yes. but i gotta think about it. where'd that baby go?! oh ya, she turned into an AdOrAbLe toddler!