wow...she's much smarter than i realized.

Yesterday when our nurse and infant worker were over they gave me some books and stuff for 24-36 month olds because I needed some of the resource advice on discipline and eating, but they think she's too advanced right now and needs to move on to the discipline for a 2 year old. Well today we were looking through this picture book and on one page it has cartoonish pictures and I said "which one's the toothbrush?" and she pointed right to it. Thinking surely it was a fluke I said "which one's the shoe?" "which one's the butterfly?" "which one's the train?" Do you know this little baby knows a TON of these things in this book already. And she's NEVER seen this book before!!! She just points RIGHT to them when I say them. !!! What the? I'm speechless.

a family that prays together....

on christmas when we sat down to eat we all held hands and prayed. we've done this before...but for some reason it clicked for sweet pea. so now when we all sit down and get ready to eat she holds her hands out to us and goes "AY! AY! AY!" until we "PRAY!" SO funny that she all of a sudden got it. well then tonight she had seconds. thank god, ham and bean soup. girl loves her some pork, and the beans can never hurt. so i put her bowl down and went back to my jiffy corn muffin. and again she held out her hands "AY! AY! AY!" so we had to pray again for seconds. and again when she felt like it later just for good measure. ugh! SO funny!

potty training? really?!

for christmas i got sweet pea a book about potty training. it wasn't until christmas morning when i READ the book to her did i realize it was for boys. JEESH! it talks about standing up to go potty etc. well anyway, we have a training potty in our stash of kid stuff so i pulled it up from the basement and told her that when she needs to go potty she can just come in the bathroom and use that potty and get a sticker. well today she went in there and fidgeted around and i didn't get it until she came out with a panic look on her face and i followed her in there and i pulled her diaper off and set her on the potty JUST in time for a little nugget to plop off her bottom. (it was already on its way out when i pulled her diaper off.) then we flushed it and got a sticker! i'm not sure how much she gets it but it seems like she understands. ?? could that be?

**edited to add** i just went through this checklist and she has some of these things going on already. so i'll just leave the potty there and let her use it when she feels like it and just see how things pan out. dang-now we REALLY gotta get her to gain weight since there aren't underpants in a size 9 months.

5 months and a day

sweet pea has been living with us for 5 months and a day now and we have to say they have been the best 5 months and a day ever. she is so sweet and gets sweeter every day. today was SUCH a blast to have her, getting to see her christmas morning joy, opening presents and learning what they are all about. i think our house officially has about 900 more pieces in it tonight than we had in it last night. but it was SO worth it. a friend of mine from church gave us a dora kitchen and a hello kitty tent. let me tell you - those toys have never GOTTEN so much use. she played with the kitchen all morning and the tent all afternoon. i'm not sure she ate much more than the chocolate santa that she ate for breakfast, all the way through to the sugar cookies she ate for dinner. (thank god for the toothbrush santa left in her stocking!) can't WAIT for the sugar to be out of the house so she'll eat a real meal again but for just one day-it sure was fun. i can't even list all of the toys that she got today but our house is full and she feels loved. she keeps hugging me and paul. i know she feels our love and i know she understands that the gifts are from others that love her too.

Tatum had a very Merry Christmas too. Her stocking was full of fluffy toys with lots of squeakers, some bouncy balls and a HAM BONE! she is such a wonderful doggie! i can't imagine life with out her. 2 years ago this week we were counting down the minutes until we got to pick her up from the breeder. it was the only thing that got me through the holidays that year. and then when we picked her up to bring her home, couldn't imagine what we would if we ever had to outlive her. i literally cried that night thinking about it. we're so glad that won't happen though! (we live happily in denial here-don't mess with the truth!) she is so good with the kids that come through the house and she's right there when kiddos go home to give us all the extra love our hearts need when they are mourning the loss of kids. she's SUCH an amazing dog and no amount of ham bones could ever truly show her our appreciation. we love that doggie SO much!

Merry Christmas!!

Thank you to everyone who helped Sweet Pea have THIS AWESOME of a "first Christmas" with us. Crossing our fingers and praying for it to be our first of MANY!!!!

good-bye 2009

this is a typical month of appointments for just sweet pea. i have other appointments that aren't on here, and yet more appointments that are so set in stone we just remember every month to do them. this on top of working 37.5 hours a week. WHEW! and next month i begin another round of going to the R.E. (reproductive endocrinologist). aye-yi-yi. is that how you spell it?

poker face

so i've learned this new skill fostering. i call it my poker face and it gets me a LOT of useful information. the thing is-every kid has about 7 people that work them through the system. so. what i do is...when someone hints at a development in the case, i hold onto that bit of information and when i see the next person i say "so how's _______ coming along? any developments?" and then when they begin i say "oh, ya." or "right." well, i'm really meaning "oh ya?" "right?" but i just don't use the questioning tone at the end. it gets me TONS of information. well today i got a call and again it started out with a bit more information than i had before so i said "oh yes...mhmmm" and then the beans are SPILLED out in front of me. so i found out today that they are trying to reduce sweet pea's visits because of the way things are developing.
i've also learned how to read between the lines VERY well. it's very useful. so when i'm given information and then later i say it back to myself but i emphasize different PARTS of the information i'm able to decode quite a bit more. like when you say "HOW are you?" "how ARE you?" and "how are YOU?" all three are the same question right, but the MEANING behind each question is very different from the next and you can glean all KINDS of information. boy, i'm getting smart in my old age.

suck it, books!

we're working on self-soothing. i'm having a hard time balancing the "10 minute wait" with the "only you know what's best for your child" parts.

update on super cute things sweet pea does....

when i walk through the snow and then get to the sidewalk i stomp my feet. then at our door we have a metal grate door mat and i stomp my feet on there to make sure i got all the snow off. well now sweet pea walks through the snow and then gets on the sidewalk and stomps her feet. and it's so dang cute because she can't lift her feet up that high-so it's like a little muppet stomping their feet. and then she gets to the metal grate and she does it again.
tonight we were eating dinner and i was tapping my fingers while i was chewing...so she started tapping her fingers just to see what it was all about.
it's amazing the way she mimics EVERY thing we do. it's almost scary. and tonight she gave me a smile with her lips closed and stuck her chin out and wiggled her head back and forth. and i realized i give her that smile ALL the time. and she's giving it back to me.
and you know that game paul plays with her where he says "i" and he points to himself, and then he says "looooove....YOU!" and points to her. well now when he says "i" she points to herself and when he says "love you!" she points her finger at him and touches the tip of his finger. she is soooo dang cute.
her favorite book right now is brown bear brown bear, and for those of you that don't read children's books 20 times a day it basically says "brown bear brown bear what do you see?" and then brown bear says "i see a red bird looking at me" and then i go "ROAR!" and then we turn the page. and every animal has a different voice. then red bird says "i see a yellow duck looking at me" and then i whistle and she looks up at my lips and sees how i whistle and she forms a whistle shape with her lips. then later in the book it's a goldfish and the goldfish "sees a teacher looking at me" and when i say the line i wiggle my tongue back and forth in my mouth to make it sound like i'm talking under water and she does the same thing-with out making the noise...it's just the motion. ugh! she kills me with her mimicing. it's so cute!
i can't WAIT for christmas to see her figure out unwrapping presents and to see her stocking full of fun stuff.

i do love those girls

tonight we did a drive-by-christmasing of our first foster girls and their little brother. i couldn't get ahold of the kids' mom...for some reason her phone kept going into a voicemail that said wasn't set up yet. ?? weird. our church is just a few miles from their new house so after church we just drove by with the presents we got them for christmas. oh my gosh those kids are cute. we walked in the door and they all came RUNNING to us all hugs. i love that. LOVE. THAT. then little brother looked in the bag with the presents and said "i know what those are!!!!" and so i handed them each a present. we got one for little brother too because i didn't want to leave him out. they all LOVED their games. i gave older the game life, younger the game guess who, and little brother the game candyland. we were trying to get them entertaining and free things. they each ripped open their games and handed me the directions and said "read these!" while they tore the pieces off to assemble their games. oh man-they are so funny. but we couldn't stay long since we arrived at sweet pea's bed time and they live 30 minutes away from us so we had to get home. but it was so cute and so fun and oh man, it just makes my spirit feel like it got a hug to see them again and get all the hugs and "i miss you's" and "i love you's" from them.
and their mom told me she saw sweet pea at the visit building and sweet pea recognized her! how crazy is that?

what don't i get?

last night i went to bed a little sad. ok. alot sad. i don't know what i'm not getting. i don't know how so many women figure it out. am i temping wrong? am i not timing it right? is it really pcos? is it something else completely? what don't i get? how can i get it this wrong for this long? how can i not KNOW exactly what it is that keeps us from conceiving a real live take home baby? and i just feel really dumb on days like that. and yesterday, frankly, was one of them. i want to just be pregnant. with a baby that i get to name. and take home with me and not have court dates and case workers and 12 months waiting to find out if i get to "keep him/her". so i'm just sad. *sigh* sometimes i hate being honest with myself.

bless your little heart!

today i went shopping with my christmas bonus. i'm not being selfish-our boss gives us our bonus and then takes us shopping to be sure that we spend it all on ourselves. it's really hard for me to do. REALLY hard. but today i went shopping for some much needed jeans. the last time i bought jeans was when mom and dad took me and paul shopping when we were poorer than dirt and paul was in school. today we were at the buckle and i told the girl i thought i was a size 31. i tried them on and whoa nelly. i'm not a size 31 anymore. i looked like saggie sally for sure! so i tried on the next size down, then the next! i'm a size 29! then i said "do you have them in a 29 short?" and she said "no...we don't carry the short in the smaller sizes." !!!! i'm now considered one of the smaller sizes? by the buckle? i could understand if walmart or lane bryant considered me a smaller size...but the buckle? i was shocked! i said "well, bless YOUR heart for calling me a 'smaller size'" and she chuckled and said "well you're smaller than me." !!!!! shocked again. so i guess all this no sugar business does have some perks. and maybe buying some way over priced pants will be the lucky charm to ensure i won't fit into them long because soon i'll have a pregnant belly. *sigh* maybe.
on that note-tonight i was putting sweet pea to bed and i often pray over her and i pray for her education and her development and her future and her family and for judge mclean and for all of the case workers and G.A.L.'s and casas and attorneys assigned to our case. i pray for wisdom and softened hearts and for the new baby and that some how it will find its way to our house. and that we will get to love this baby for years to come into her future and all of a sudden i got this feeling of "it's done. it's already written that she will be yours." and then i got this tiny bit of reassurance that she's not the only one. so we'll see.

not so fast

so last night was support group and i found out things aren't so cut and dried with our january court date. what will happen if things go to straight adoption, is that the family can contest it. and that there will be some time before termination of rights. and that the family could step forward then to do their home studies to adopt her themselves. and there is one aunt that really would be a good candidate. so *sigh* i gotta keep holding onto my heart for a little while longer. i'm not sure i can do this. i know i have to. i'm outed now by flatirons, but i'm still not sure i can do this. or go through it again.

getting the word out....

this weekend at church our pastor touched on adoption and fostering. afterwards i thanked him for putting the numbers out there and told him a little bit about our story. he asked me to send him an email with it. after reading my email he asked if he could post it on the church's blog. our church has about 9,000 people that come through any given weekend. i cleared it with my case worker and she said as long as i didn't have names it should be ok. so-now our story's really out there. makes me a little nervous to be so out there. but here it is.
i don't talk about it much because i'm not a big fan of church or religion but i LOVE our church.

parent/teacher conferences

today i found out some interesting little tid-bits from sweet pea's teacher. lately at lunch she has been crawling under the table, peeking up on the other side, stealing the kids' cookies, and then crawling back under the table to her seat to eat them!!! needless to say i went right out to the store and got her some cookies to take in her own lunch from now on!
she also knocked over a teacher for a hug. we have let her play this game where we are sitting on the floor and she pushes us over and then pulls us back up by our arm or shirt or whatever. well, a teacher was giving out hugs and told sweet pea to come around front to get hers and instead, she pulled the teacher backwards to get her hug RIGHT then and there. the teacher laughed and sweet pea's full day teacher said "don't laugh!!! you'll only encourage her." and went on to tell sweet pea "do you see me smiling? you cannot do that." LOL! it is pretty funny but we won't be playing the push over/pull up game anymore.

quickie

i'm just signing in to let you know that i love that little baby upstairs sleeping in her crib. it's hard to imagine just one year ago what incredibly different people we were. how we thought we would foster and then just wah-lah adopt. how differently we view fostering. how differently we view adoption. how differently we view family. how differently we view the world and our tiny corner of it. but, OH, how much we love that baby!
her hair fits up in piggy tails now. can i just tell you she reminds me of "boo" from monsters, inc. more times than not.

court appointed hope

sweet pea is one step closer to being ours!!!!! yesterday in court the GAL asked that we change the plans from concurrent adoption and reunification to just adoption. in her words she "didn't think the courts needed to drag their feet on this one". the dad's atty said he just started a new substance abuse program (and no, i don't know what substance he's abusing) and he needs more time, the mom's GAL (didn't know she had a GAL but she does) said that she's contacted her CIP worker and she needed more time. all the other cases yesterday before us come back in 3 or 6 months, we come back in 45 days!!! over the holidays. and the judge wants proof that they're really doing something. she said "i don't want 'i'm gonna's' i want proof! you got 45 days". so it's looking pretty hopeful for us since 45 days isn't much time to make any progress, especially at the rate they've gone the last 4 months. so we'll see but i'm feeling really good about things. today i woke up feeling like i'm gonna be a mom.
as far as peanut, at this point, the mom is going to give it to the dad's parents to raise. and since they are family they can do that with out a home study or court approval. so maybe down the road we'll get that baby, or maybe they'll do great...just don't know. and i'm ok if we don't. i feel like sweet pea is so perfect i hate to push it and ruin the good thing we've got going right now. so only time will tell on all of these things but for now, i have hope. which, you know, is only helping in the faith department.
i think back to when we first got sweet pea and when i was putting her to sleep i would pray over her brain and her development. and now she's at level, and sometimes advanced, in her development. her motor skills are crazy good. the other night we were eating chili mac and she was using one of her spoons and she got every bite in there-it was practically pinkies-up perfect. a teacher at daycare told me she can kick a ball better than the kids a year older than her. she does have very precise motor skills. she can turn pages in a paper book or a magazine like an adult. and while i was praying i also prayed that she would be ours within a year and so far it seems as if that is going to happen. or pretty close to it-the laws say she has to live with us for one year before we're given an adoption day. but as long as the adoption status is there and not reunification-she's as good as ours.

no promises

today, in this moment, in this minute, in this second, i'm ok if i don't ever have babies through my belly. i make no promises for 10 minutes from now, tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. by the time you read this post, i could already be sulking. just sayin' is all.
i was named after two sisters and was born on their brothers birthday and through facebook have befriended all of them again. it's fun to catch up with them again and hear their daily goings on. this last week garth posted Faith is the Substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not yet seen! and i realized it's not that i have no hope, it's that i have no faith. so i'm working on it.

TEETH

yesterday was sweet pea's crankiest day on record. we just figured she was tired or out of sorts or as paul put it "she's a girl". (later he said he was joking.) today her cheeks are ROSY ROSY ROSY and her nose is RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING. we went outside and played in the snow and tried out a new sled i got for $1 garage saling this summer. we came inside and ate lunch. girl loves her some lasagna! and while i was wiping her mouth she gave me a big "ROAR!" she loves animal noises but lately the roar has taken the cake to all other animal noises and while her mouth was wide open roaring i saw a new tooth. one of the teeth on the bottom side. so i felt around in there-quickly, as she has the bite of an alligator right now, and found 3 more about to pop through! this is huge since when i picked her up from the hospital she had NO teeth and they were beginning to question if her lack of nutrition was going to mean she didn't have any teeth in there. now we're up to 5 and 3 about to pop through. YAYAYAYAYAY!

morning read...

on weekend mornings we all just snuggle in on our bed until we can muster the energy for another day. and usually that morning snuggle involves books that sweet pea pulls up onto the bed with her. this morning she was reading some of her thomas books and stuck her entire index finger into her mouth and then pointed at the pages or turned the pages. and we realized she was trying to do what i do when i lick my finger and turn the page. much like the america's funniest video's where the kid likes one hand and turns the pages with the other. UGH~ we love this baby. she is so DANG cute.

booster for breakfast

she's eating her pre-breakfast breakfast....potato chips. hey, don't judge. she ate oatmeal and bananas after the chips. and they said to fatten her up!

seperated siblings

this article is why we fight for peanut. i can't read this article with out tearing up.
Here's a tidbit from the article:
Their reunions at the airport have become a ritual. On a warm morning this past June, Meredith Grace was too nervous to eat. On her way to Chicago's Midway Airport, she clutched her stuffed dog, Scruffy, along with a Ziploc of bologna for when the hunger kicked in. She was wearing a navy T shirt and cargo pants, the same thing her sister would have on: outfits are coordinated weeks in advance. When Meredith Grace spotted her sister coming through security, she dashed into her arms. The clock ticked and ticked. Then they pulled back and gazed into each other's eyes, heads tilted, just like in the picture that brought them together. You almost wanted not to look, the way you'd avert your eyes from two people kissing in the street. Then they were two little girls again, one admiring the other's necklace, both jumping up and down and screaming "Yay! Sissy!" in unison. Taking off to get the luggage, they held hands. Meredith Grace was on the left, where she's been for years. Seeing them united, you understand why the two won't settle for talking on the phone, an experience Jim calls "pretty thin gruel."

not just me

today i took sweet pea to daycare and her teacher stopped me and talked to me for 30 minutes about her concerns of sweet pea's reactions to her visits this week. she wants sweet pea's case worker to come to the parent/teacher conferences that are coming up because the behavior that she saw tuesday and again on wednesday were so shocking and disturbing to her that she wants to have a voice in sweet pea's case. i called sweet pea's case worker and told her right away and she asked for the full name of that teacher. today is the day that the case worker has to have her paperwork filed with the court for next weeks court date and i'm pretty sure that little tidbit of information is going to make it to the judge. i'm not alone. EVERYONE is getting concerned for sweet pea's well being-not just her lunatic foster mom.

roller. coaster.

i'm telling you what, if you want drama in your life look no further than your local foster care system.
last night i picked sweet pea up from her visit and she had a bag of clothes sent home with her. they are either 18 month old clothes (which she won't fit into until she's 3 years old!) or 9 month old outfits that would be perfect in august in arizona. not ONE single thing can she wear now either because of size or season. i'm so pissed. i called my case worker and left her a message. i'm sure i sounded like a lunatic but i'm so sick of them taking BABY steps forward and feeling like everyone is applauding their efforts so i wanted it to be known that their "efforts" just show even more how out of tune they are with sweet pea's needs.
she called me back today and said "well, who is it that's making you feel like they are doing so good?" and i said "the casa!" and she said "the casa isn't the one that makes decisions. it's the case worker that decides where she's best." ooooooh! clearly i have misunderstood something in all of this fostering business. i went on to explain quite a few other concerns i have and she reassured me that the case worker has the same concerns. and just like that my roller coaster is heading back uphill. stay tuned. tomorrow's a new day. but thank GOD for giving me today to have a little glimmer of hope again.

packing bags

grandma showed up for visit w/the birth father today. i guess i'll be packing sweet peas bags. she'll end up going to them, i just know it. seriously, how am i ever gonna get through these next couple months knowing that it's all coming crashing down around us?