Sunday, January 16, 2011

mouring the loss of our gain

when we got karyssa she was 13 months. we had the older girls before her, 7 and 11 years old, so 13 months sounded so fresh and new. like we hadn't missed a thing. but every day asher gets closer to 13 months and i think about how much time it's been. how many milestones and developments and first times i think about how much we truly missed with karyssa. her baby cry. bonding with her as a newborn. her first solids. her first crawl. when filling out her development forms all the way along we just had to put "unknown" because mom doesn't remember. or as social services says it "she's not a good story teller....she doesn't know the history as it happened." she remembers that karyssa crawled. she knew that karyssa ate. but she doesn't know what she did when. when i tell asher "come here" or "no no!" or tell him that i love him and kiss him all over and see him giggle and squirm it makes me sad i couldn't do that with karyssa when she was 11 months old, as he is now. makes me sad that she didn't have any language skills at all, a sign that she was probably not spoken to. if i had her at birth i would have spoken to her. i would have loved on her. i would have taught her how to communicate and bond. it makes me so sad now for every DAY lost with her. every minute more i could have had. but i have to be thankful that we got her at 13 months and not 13 years. but it still makes me sad for every minute we were apart. she's my baby. mine through and through. we think alike. we act alike. we tease alike. she is ME in a smaller package. mine ALL mine!

Friday, January 14, 2011

pitiful return

lately i've been working really hard not to be karyssa's enabler. she has this look that she gives me and i cave every time. lately i've been trying REALLY hard not to cave. so when we got to doggie daycare to pick up tatum i said "do you want to stay in the car and eat a cracker? or do you want to come with mommy to get tatum?" she said "stay, cracker." ok. gave her a cracker, hopped out of the car and got tatum. when i came back she was sobbing. i HATE when she sobs. makes me cave immediately. and again, i'm an enabler. i said "sweetie! what's wrong?" she said "me!!!" (which means she wanted to go with me because i ask her "do you want to go with me?" and she's shortened it to simply "me".) i said "but remember? i asked you if you wanted to stay and eat a cracker or go with me and you said 'stay, cracker'!" with crocodile tears in her eyes she held up her cracker, without even a grain of salt missing, as if for a refund. oooooooh so sad. i caved and said "you can keep the cracker...let's just go look over the fence." and with that we took a peek at the other dogs and she stopped sobbing. poor baby. i can't wait for her communication skills to come together.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

happy new year!!!

some friends of ours introduced us to the tradition of taking a new years hike every new years day. we started it when we didn't have kids. then we continued it with one. now there's 2. it's getting harder to carry on. karyssa loves to hike but i realized by the time we got home that her little boots might have given her blisters. not sure but it would answer a lot. here are some pics.

about .2 miles past the last picture:

how the hike ended. *sigh* we started off so good.

this is the glare we got on the way home. we might have to curb this tradition for a year or two.