mouring the loss of our gain

when we got karyssa she was 13 months. we had the older girls before her, 7 and 11 years old, so 13 months sounded so fresh and new. like we hadn't missed a thing. but every day asher gets closer to 13 months and i think about how much time it's been. how many milestones and developments and first times i think about how much we truly missed with karyssa. her baby cry. bonding with her as a newborn. her first solids. her first crawl. when filling out her development forms all the way along we just had to put "unknown" because mom doesn't remember. or as social services says it "she's not a good story teller....she doesn't know the history as it happened." she remembers that karyssa crawled. she knew that karyssa ate. but she doesn't know what she did when. when i tell asher "come here" or "no no!" or tell him that i love him and kiss him all over and see him giggle and squirm it makes me sad i couldn't do that with karyssa when she was 11 months old, as he is now. makes me sad that she didn't have any language skills at all, a sign that she was probably not spoken to. if i had her at birth i would have spoken to her. i would have loved on her. i would have taught her how to communicate and bond. it makes me so sad now for every DAY lost with her. every minute more i could have had. but i have to be thankful that we got her at 13 months and not 13 years. but it still makes me sad for every minute we were apart. she's my baby. mine through and through. we think alike. we act alike. we tease alike. she is ME in a smaller package. mine ALL mine!