Wednesday, March 23, 2011

does it have to pour EVERY time it rains?

we're house shopping. it is so. much. fun. and i am not being sarcastic. i LOVE looking at houses and layouts and decorating styles and colors and back yards and neighborhoods. ugh! every time we pull up in a neighborhood and our realtor starts to look for the address i say "it's the third one on the left" or "this one right here." ha! she keeps commenting on how much we've done our homework. little does she know we are LOVING the homework. i check the sex offender registry, check the school ratings, then i physically drive by the houses at LEAST 3 times before we even go inside so i can decide if i really want to stare at the house across the street for the next twenty years. ha! LOVE house shopping.
don't love when we finally put an offer on a house we LOVE LOVE LOVE only to have them accept another offer. i'm telling myself the other buyers were cash buyers willing to pay full price. but i DO love that it means i get to house shop some more. and boy was i disappointed. so we looked. we got close. we revisited. we went back to other houses. we went to more houses. THEN a house popped up that was EVERYTHING we wanted. big yard. 5 bedrooms. potential to move and the way, we LOVE tearing down walls, redoing kitchens, carpeting and hardwooding and painting. UGH! love it!
so we put in an offer on a house but it's a short sale so now we gotta wait forEVER and a day...or 60 days, something like that. maybe by late may we'll know something.
but that was yesterday. today i had to take asher to children's for an evaluation on his throat. they aren't sure why he can't swallow water without choking. or aspirating as they all love to say. i hate that word's so....medical. and not in a good way, not in a cure a problem way. *sigh* so i took him down to the children's hospital and sat down in the waiting room trying not to think about the fact that we were at children's and people don't go to children's for a cold...they go to children's because their kids are really sick. and my baby is not really sick. at least that's what i'd like to believe. but as we're sitting there waiting for the same doctors that are going to see the boy next to us with the trach tube and the girl in the next section over is bald from chemo it makes me reconsider how not-sick my baby truly is. i went to the bathroom and cried for a minute. then he was seen by 3 doctors, a couple specialists and a few more people that i'm not sure what their role was. i think it was a nurse and an assistant. tomorrow we go back for a few little procedures and a 24 hour stay. i was exhausted tonight when i got home. karyssa didn't nap today, we think, because every time she was checked on she was in a new spot with more items in her hands she shouldn't be playing with-typical karyssa fashion.
now i'm home, the kids are in bed, and i'm trying to decide if i should have chocolate cake or salad for dinner. and the place we're renting is on the market and has it's first showing tomorrow afternoon so i gotta leave it clean on our way out at 5:00 in the morning!!!
and all i can think is "thank god we don't have to deal with the house stuff for 60 more days".

Sunday, March 13, 2011

now that's just gross

i don't have a weak stomach. i can handle scars and puke and even some talk about medical procedures. but you know what's just gross? when you lean over the banister to ask your husband to bring up the diapers you just brought in from the store, turn around and find your potty training 2 year old sitting on the toilet saying "poop!" and just the minute that you get excited that she's really turned a corner from only being potty potty trained to actually being fully potty trained, you realize the floaties the baby is playing with in the tub is the poop your toddler is talking about. *sigh* ga-ROSS!!!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

up to my eyeballs in therapy

today i had a bit of a meltdown. which then led to asher graduating from occupational therapy. why is he in occupational therapy you ask? because of his poor muscle tone. uuum...excuse me? what? "ya, remember when he first came in and he was all balled over and slouchy?" "he was 4 months old..."
i told the therapist that my friends are asking why he's in therapy and i don't know why he's in therapy anymore. we did the swallow study, we can see that he has a little bit of "asperating" when he swallows. but why is that? "poor muscle tone." ??? again with the poor muscle tone. really? he's a ball of muscle. he has baby fat and he's hard like muscle. not like a rock-don't go that far overboard here with me. so i took him to an ear nose and throat doctor who referred him to an aerodigestive clinic who first wants a sleep study done before they'll put him on the list for the "board" to discuss when they decide in their weekly meeting if he would qualify for the aerodigestive clinic. i'll schedule that after i get the results from the pediatric baby opthomologist appt but i really think that appointment won't be necessary. see, he has to go to that because his eyes are watery. i think they're just watery because i have to put baby oil in the tub with him now to help with his eczema. ya, the allergist said to take him off peanuts, egg whites, (not the whole egg...just the whites) oranges, tomatoes (only raw tomatoes, not sauces or cooked tomatoes), and i'm not supposed to introduce more dairy (milk) until the eczema clears up in a few months.
see where i'm going with this? i'm exhausted from his appointments that needlessly lead to yet more appointments on a perfectly healthy baby!!!! i'm drowning in appointments and therapies and evaluations and tests and diagnoses that i don't think are quite accurate. thank god he came with medicaid. or maybe it's the medicaid that's a problem...maybe that's why we get scheduled for test after test after needless test!
anyway-this was the attitude i went into therapy with today and thus the reason we have been discharged from ONE appointment in the week. i figured out today that since june we have driven to the therapy center approximately 40 times. 30 minutes both ways DURING naptime. you can imagine how well that flows for kids on a schedule. *sigh* NOT well at all!!!!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

double kids=quadruple work!!

sorry i haven't blogged in a long while. i can explain 23 days of it.
we got a placement call and i called back just to say "sorry, we can't because we don't have a big enough house." they quickly shot that down so i came back with "we don't have a big enough car for 4 carseats." (yes-the two they wanted us to take were in carseats plus our two in carseats equals 4 carseats in a honda civic. i don't think so.) they offered to get us a van. i asked "seriously?!?" that's when it hit me. they wouldn't have called me if they weren't serious. and i quickly learned a very hard lesson....that lesson then took an additional 23 days to pound into my head: never EVER say "maybe" to a case worker.
i called paul, he said he didn't mind. as long as we weren't a long term option i told them we could do it for a couple days while they find a long term foster home. a couple days came and went. a week came and went. 13 days came and went. we found a family. we visited with them. they were amazing. had an amazing house. amazing playroom. amazing bedroom setup. sort of. long story.
theeeeeen the woman started asking me strange questions about the kids. and she kept commenting how they looked more like me and paul than her family. then she asked me if diarrhea was a mexican thing. *record scratch* what the hell? then i started adding up all of the other comments she had made to me. and i realized we had a problem. a big problem. i called my case worker, knowing full well if i put the brakes on it would mean we would have the kids for a couple more days. [cue laugh track]
well, we had them for a couple more days for sure. 23 days in all before we were able to transition them to their (hopefully) forever home. they are with an amazing couple that has no other kids. which means they will be pouring in tons and TONS of love. which is exactly what they need.
all in all 4 kids 2 and under was hard. MUCH harder than i ever imagined. but if i had it all to do over again i would do it in a heartbeat for those boys. they were amazing. i loved having them here. in a different way than i love karyssa and asher, but love nonetheless. we're up for recertification and we're having a hard time deciding what we want our role to be with the county. we love our kids. we are perfectly happy if they are it forever and ever. we kind of hope they are...but if they came up with another sibling we'd do it. just not sure we want to start with another birth family. see post below.
that being said, i think we've celebrated being a family of four again about 3 times since the boys moved.

open adoption...what it means and how it's working.....for us

ok. so it sucks.
there are times where it warms my heart.
but for the most part it still sucks.
i try not to feel this way. for my kids. for their birth family. for the connection that some day they might want to have or might regret me for forming on behalf of them when they were still this young.
we met with abuelo and step-abuela the other night. they are sweet. they are trying. we are trying. it's like an awkward blind date that just doesn't end. i'm not sure at what point i will look forward to our visits. or tell them our last name. or admit that we now call asher by his middle name that we gave him, and not the name their daughter gave him. or even tell them what side of town we live on.
there are moments when we think we don't want to have this relationship with the grandparents. we want to have it with birth-dad. but he's not an option. and i think as much as i feel this way about the grandparents what if i get into a relationship with dad and regret that we ever had that desire? *sigh*
so anyway. we met again. asher has no reaction to them, good or bad. to him they are just some couple we eat a meal with a couple times a year. karyssa wasn't so sure about them in the beginning. i told her before we went who we were going to see and that if she was uncomfortable she could go and play in the playland. she snuggled close to me for dinner and then went to play and quickly warmed up knowing there was a piece of glass between her and them. after a few rounds of peek-a-boo she came out of the playland, climbed over step-abuela's lap and hopped onto abuelo's lap and checked him out without making eye contact. i think she could remember them...but i think she wasn't sure where she remembered them from. abuelo beamed from start to finish again.right up to the part where they opened the trunk of their car to "get [asher's] baby blanket" and there sat, in all it's childhood royalty, karyssa's first bike. bright pink and purple and shiny brand new. step-abuela told me "i told him it was too big for her but he really wanted to buy it for her." karyssa loved it. it had to sleep in her room with her the first night. she can barely reach the pedals but when she leans to actually pedal them she tips the bike over. but she loves it nonetheless. she also got crocs which she has worn every day since.
i love that she loves these gifts. i think it's the actual gift more than the gifter that she's in love with. but's the little part that warms my heart. it's the little part that makes me feel like we're doing the right thing for the long run.
time will tell. i hope time will be kind to us.