tired of feeling sorry for myself

i had a glimmer of hope. "had" as in past tense. as in, i no longer have a glimmer of hope. i thought maybe this month we had a chance. but i took a copy of my chart to molly and she saw my temps and said they are way too low. so even IF i had released an egg that MIGHT have gotten fertilized, my temps are too low to host it and make it into a real live baby. and the worst part is, molly doesn't know what it is that i need to get my temps up. they aren't high before i ovulate OR after i ovulate. and there's only a couple points of a degree difference before and after i ovulate. i guess it needs to be more. she has me on progesterone creme now (for those of you that will ask). but i just feel like all the hope i did have, the hope in my bracelet, the hope in all this sugar-free diet, the hope in actually ovulating this month, is gone. and i want to just lay around and cry but i don't even have the energy to make tears over this anymore. and no...it does not help to know that things are going good in sweet pea's case. so quit asking. and for the record, the statistics on those that DO get pregnant after adopting are about 5 in 100, the SAME statistic for those who get pregnant and did NOT chose to adopt. so please don't think we are adopting as a back up insurance if acupuncture doesn't work. nor is it any part of our motivation for wanting to adopt sweet pea. we would like to someday make her a big sister. *sigh* what the hell. i'm too tired to even bitch about being too tired to bitch.

even more scoop

i just got an email from our case worker that we have a concurrent plan of "adoption" along with "return home". what that means in non-foster talk is that although the parents still have a chance to pull things together, we need to be working on a plan b, alongside returning home, and that plan b is "adoption". EEEEEK!!!! this is VERY good news my friends. this means we are officially in the running.

a little more of the scoop

well, this past month has been quite a bit more informative than months past. i have found out a few things that i can sort of put on the blog. really, i shouldn't, but i figure for those that follow* that i don't get to see in real life, you should get more of an update.

sweet pea does not get to see her mom anymore. for now. if her mom starts cooperating, she will get to visit again. at this point she's not in a place to be able to cooperate and show them that she can parent the way sweet pea needs her right now. her dad, bless is heart, is trying. he comes to visits. he brings her food. he's kind, he plays, he tries. but they are still unsure that he is going to be able to parent on his own, with out the help of his family. if his family were stepping up to help him, we'd have a different situation, but at this point they have not stepped forward the way the county needs them to step forward. they aren't getting their evaluations and home studies done and until they do that, they can't be considered as options. sweet pea has been in our care for 4 months now. at this point, that's a quarter of her life. it would be equivalent to me living with loving doting strangers for 8 1/2 years and then going back to a home where i was told they loved me, but no one ever showed me.

our first court date is coming up in early december. at that point i'll have more information. we are acting, like we do with all of our kids, that she is our own forever and ever. christmas is coming and we can't wait to shower her with gifts. we celebrated early with paul's side of the family this last weekend and i was just humbled by all the gifts and clothes and toys and books she got. last week my brother's wife and kids sent another box full of toys the kids had picked out of their own stash for sweet pea. and yet another brother sent her a gift card for whatever else falls between the cracks. she is set beyond belief. i can't believe, or thank you enough for how generous my family and friends have been in providing for us this year. and sweet pea is overwhelmed with all of the new toys and books she has all over the house.

in preparing for kids from 0-7 and spending every spare dime we had on the basic necesities to make our sterile house a kid friendly home, it didn't leave much left for the extras. we are trying to get back to square one and save up for next year for a) if sweet pea's case does not go to adoption and we can't take another foster heart break. at that point we will adopt from an agency. and b) if sweet pea's case does go to adoption, we won't get the much needed financial support from the county, including childcare, and will be facing being a one-income FAMILY. both options scare us in a way but we are trying to prepare, as best we can, now so that we have some options to fall back on.

*I do want to thank those of you that follow. sometimes it's really hard for me to talk about all of the stuff that's going on and other times i'm a gusher of information once i see you in person. thanks for always letting me know when you've been reading. it's fun to know who's really come and gone and it's fun to know that people are interested in what's going on. and an even bigger thanks to all of you that pray. i can feel your prayers and can often see god's hand in the goings on of boulder county and specifically our case.

THAT'S how they do that

just when i think it's time to worry...

this last week i've been crossing every "t" and dotting every "i" to make sure that sweet pea's language skills are on target. she will say a word or two and then they'll disappear never to be heard again, it seems. so i filled out a questionare for the county nurse that we're working with (who i LOVE by the way). and she said she's really right on target. well last night when i picked her up from daycare the teacher told me they were in the gymnastics room and sweet pea's teacher counts 1...2...3 and then they jump in this huge pit of foam blocks. last night sweet pea walked up to the edge of the pit, put her fingers in the air and tried to sign for 1...2...3 while saying "one" "two" "three". in baby talk, of course, but she said it. i told paul at the dinner table so we started counting and she did it again. she put her fingers in the air and she's making the right shape with her mouth, and she makes a little noise but not the whole word. we'll get there.
she also used a zipper for the first time yesterday. while our nurse, rhonda, was over she brings a scale so i can fulfill my addiction fed need to weigh sweet pea every week. she only gained one ounce this week, but the scale is in a zippered bag and sweet pea went over to the bag and the next thing i heard was "zzzzzzip!" and she was zipping. she's so smart.

this product sucks.

i got this precious hands kit tonight thinking i could make some plaster hand ornaments for sweet pea's grandparents for christmas. it says mix it up for 1 minute, you can use warmer water for it to set quicker. so i thought, weeeeell, just a touch warmer. i mixed it up for 1 minute using the kitchen timer and paul brought her over ready to press her hand in and bloop! it turned to a stiff oatmeal consistency and separated before 1 1/2 minutes was up. i'm taking it back to michael's tomorrow. yes, i'm going to be THAT woman. but i refuse to pay $10 for an experiment. that's not cool. and if they say they can't take it back, i'll ask for the manager. if only 50 people bought and tried this product once and didn't take it back, they'd make $500. i won't be one of those 50. if we all take it back, michael's will stop selling it.

fertility turtles

have you ever googled fertility turtle? well, it turns out everyone and their brother, except me, knows about turtles being a "lucky charm" of sorts for fertility. so today i went to the bead store and made myself this bracelet. and then i had a few beads leftover and made these earrings. let's hope this turtle is my lucky charm. well that and hundreds of dollars of acupuncture, and months and months of herbs, and years and years of trying and oh ya, all of your prayers. *sigh* something's gotta give.

ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh!!!!

i just got really good news in an email. REALLY good news. i can't share much more than that so please don't call and ask me. just be really excited with me AND continue to pray! EEEEEK!!!! pray, be excited, then pray, then be excited, then pray AND be really excited.

on another note-paul is getting really irritated with me (rightfully so) that i don't get excited for pregnant women that didn't have to try for 2+ years. i'm trying to get over it. i'm at least able to love babies again. (i used to not make eye contact with them because i was angry that they were cute and somebody elses.) but i've at least gotten over that part. *sigh* so now i gotta get over pregnant ladies too! give me a break. one thing per decade. is that not fast enough?! i'm trying. i truly, promise you that i am trying. but i'm not there yet.

oh-and in funny this-is-really-my-life?-news: tonight i had acupuncture and i just love molly. now we can laugh that every other appointment will be my pms week and that i will probably come and just cry and cry and cry. ha! poor molly. i think my freckles conceal the part where i'm italian and make people think i'm irish (one of the FEW nationalities that ironically, i am not) so she doesn't know what a huge cryer i really am. well now that i have hormones flowing through my body i cry alot. and when i get pms AND hormones HA! i'm a MESS! so poor molly has to put up with me crying through every other acu appointment. anyway, tonight i said "paul's coming down and we're going to go to dinner" and she said "OH! he's coming here? with the baby?" and i said "oh...no actually, we're just meeting at the restaurant." and she deflated and said "oh." i said "you should come! we're just going right up the street.....seriously!" and she said "oh, no....would he mind?" heehee. she's so cute! and i said "oh no! he won't mind at all!" so she said "well i have some herbs to mix up and i'll be right there." so i got to have dinner with paul, sweet pea and molly. how fun is that? i love my crazy mixed up life. seriously. even though the infertility sucks. i do love my crazy life.

clap your hands!

this morning while putting on our shoes and socks (and by shoes, I mean her new pink boots because now she refuses to wear any other shoes even if it is 60 out today) i started singing "if you're happy and you know it clap your hands" and then i'd clap my hands. well then i was zipping up her boots so i clapped her hands together. and then i sang it again and paused long enough for her to catch on and then SHE started clapping her hands when i got to that part. is she really smart for 16 months or is it just me? she's so cute it kills me!

Cutest little lion EVER!

Since this photo does not reveal anything about sweet pea's identity i can post this. she was a lion for halloween and oh my GOODNESS was she ever the cutest lion i've ever laid eyes on. she didn't like the hood for long periods of time because she's a hot blooded little moma but she did like quite a few things about halloween. 1. the attention she got IN the costume. much like tatum in the octopus suit, sweet pea in the lion suit is an attention grabber. 2. going to the door with all the big kids (we have my nieces and nephews over for halloween every year). 3. holding out her little halloween basket and having people put candy in it. 4. interacting with strangers. she loves making friends no matter where she goes. 5. candy! she has figured out that it is good.
oh MAN do we love this baby more and more every day. continue praying for her situation. nothing more to report really. just plodding along as it goes. today we went to the library and ran into the woman that did her evaluation a month ago. it was fun to see her and reconnect and tell her about the new and wonderful things she's been doing. this last week i taught her how to summersault, somersalt, sommersault....anyway...now she comes up and puts her butt in the air in front of me and her head on the ground waiting for me to flip her over. lately she's been saying "ya" and "thank you" and "my". she's also now able to go to the other room and retrieve something if you say "where's your book?" or "can you bring me your beads?" or "go play with your blocks." we are noticing some things that are gonna take some work but all in all this little tyke is catching up and moving beyond benchmarks in some areas. i think it will be a matter of time before things start to even out and she is caught up in all areas. she's an amazing little one and we are so so thankful for every day we get to spend with her. we are praying for thousands more but after our past few meetings with various case workers i feel confident that they won't send her back unless it truly is the best place for her and her birth family is able to care for her in the very best way and be prepared and ready to do that. please continue to pray for them as you pray for us. it really does take a village to raise a child and we realize that, but selfishly, hope that we are the ones that get to chose who is in that village.

HaPpY BiRtHdAy TATUM!!!

Today is Tatum's 2nd birthday. Can you believe she's two? She's such a wonderful doggie. She is so good with all of the kids that come and go and she's always RIGHT there when we need some lovin'. There's no better doggie in the whole wide world.

Foster Parents of the YEAR?! Really? US?!

We won foster parents of the year for our county, which i think is humbling and exciting all at once. our fellow foster mom, little brother's foster mom, nominated us, and so, got to present the award to us. at the end of the night our case worker snagged her notes and gave them to us. here's what she said:

extraordinary defined is being beyond what is usual; exceptional or remarkable.
extraordinary was john and ruth rose's 34-year commitment to boulder county and its children. the county created the john rose memorial award.

and while what all resource families provide for some of the greatest kids in boulder county is extraordinary, what a new family provided this past year certainly embodies the spirit of the roses.

tell me if any of the following scenario sounds familiar to anyone.
you are a new resource family that just needs to fill your respite (babysitting other foster kiddos) requirement to be certified for a newborn to 7-year-old child. you are scheduled to do respite this weekend when you get a call on friday morning to provide foster care for a 7 and 11 year old sisters.
you're a new family, so of course, you say yes. you have to say yes, right? (the correct answer is no-you have every right to not accept any placement.)

oh, did we mention that they are on a strict VEGAN diet and soon after placement a five-page dissertation of what not to do, what to do and how to do it is sent from the parents.

after two months of slaving away in the kitchen, craving red meat like crazy...but losing several pounds in the process and navigating whole foods, sunflower market and vitamin cottage like pros. did you know they make vegan marshmellows? do you know how many food products contain red-dye no. 40? after tempering the emotions of the 7 year old and the hormones of the tween and providing a week of respite for the third sibling, they reluctantly transitioned the giddy children home and even graciously accepted dinner invitations from the birthparents!

after taking a brief haitus from the kitchen due to pure exhaustion, they are now head over heels for a 16 month old angel, that's at home recovering from the flu, who could not look any more like her for-now father. how social services manages to do this i don't know.

while they try to keep their feet grounded while praying for their forever child, they continue to make extraordinary efforts in the everyday lives of the children they care for.

it gives me great pleasure to present the john rose memorial award to my friends Paul & Cheri'.

it made me cry-i know-what doesn't? but most of all i was honored that we were nominated AND chosen to be foster-parents of the year. i wish the prize was a baby, but unfortunately, it is not. we did get a really nice plaque though.

Please pray.

I humbly ask for you to pray like you've never prayed before. I got word this morning that in the December court hearing they are going to ask that reunification be the remaining goal for Sweet Pea's case.

Now I stand back and realize a few things. I know the ultimate goal of the county is to keep the biological family as intact as possible. And I realize that some of the family members....ok...one family member is doing some of what they are supposed to do in order to get her back. I also realize that even on the best of good days this person is far from capable of taking care of and raising a baby. And I realize a lot MORE has to happen before she can be "reunited" with them on a long term basis.

That being said, I also realize how real the possibility is that we could lose her forever. And I don't know that I can do it.

Please pray that the GAL that represents Sweet Pea also sees this and recommends the courts not reunify. Pray that the judge sees both sides and sees what is truly in the best interest of the child. Please pray that the GAL is able to show the proof that we have that the visits themselves, not just the transporting from one place to another, is what stresses Sweet Pea out to the point that when she comes home to us she just melts into a pool of tears for the rest of the night. Pray that I am able to make my case clear and sound knowledgable and not just like a crazy foster mom that doesn't want to give up her baby. Please pray that I have the right words and thought processes to express how this will effect the rest of her life and not in a positive way.

And if I'm wrong, pray that I am able to see and accept that.

i got my new shoes on

yesterday i got sweet pea some new shoes. we got home and i pulled them out of the box and she came charging across the room and sat down and started pulling on her tennis shoes so she could get them off to try on the new shoes. heehee! she is sooooo cute! i put on her new shoes and she was soooo proud of them. she loved them. this morning we tried to wear them to school (daycare) but they slip off after a short while so they won't make it a whole day. but i can't wait for this weekend so she can wear them.

no more love here

Last week I had an in-home meeting with Sweet Pea's case worker and I found out the birth family has pulled their name out of the homestudy hat until December when the grandma retires and THEN she's going to start her home study. And it takes a couple months to do the home study. At that point Sweet Pea will have bonded with us for 6 months (8 months by the time the home study is done) and who knows what excuse they are going to come up with then. So if she's old enough to retire is she really young enough to raise a baby? AND the father, the grandmother's son, and one of the perpetrators in the case, lives with her AND if she doesn't have enough money now to take an hour off of work to come and visit her how in the WORLD will she have the money to raise Sweet Pea? It's so frustrating. I have no more patience and love for them. In fact, I'm not even sure I want to meet them after this week's meeting. If they truly loved her and wanted her they would be doing everything in their power to get her back RIGHT NOW TODAY! It infuriates me.

We went up stairs to see Sweet Pea's bed because they have to see it every time. While we were up there Sweet Pea saw her grandparents picture that I keep in her room. So I said "You wanna see g-ma and g-pa. Here you go." and handed her the picture. When I was handing it to her she was still reaching for the top of the desk for MY MOM & DAD'S PICTURE. She has NO connection or memory of her grandparents at all. It's only because it's the little routine we do every morning. The case worker saw how she does and I said "See what I mean? She should know THESE people, not MY mom and dad." I think the case worker is running out of steam for the birth family but I don't know and who knows what the judge will think.

Sunday Paul was playing music on his computer and she came over and just stood there. She dances now too which is so cute. She stands there and shakes her hips side to side or she swooshes her arms back and forth. I have started keeping my toothbrush with hers so that when I brush my teeth I remember to brush hers. Granted there's only 2 teeth in there but she LOVES brushing her teeth. She gets upset when I put the toothbrush away the only way I can appease her is to let her turn the light switch off.

She's such a little nugget. WE LOVE THIS LITTLE BABY SO MUCH!

Oh and she graduated a shoe size. She's now a size 3 shoe which means I might actually be able to find more shoes with tread on them verses the shoes that just have leather or slipper bottoms. They just don't make shoes for 6 month old sized kids that walk!!