ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh!!!!

i just got really good news in an email. REALLY good news. i can't share much more than that so please don't call and ask me. just be really excited with me AND continue to pray! EEEEEK!!!! pray, be excited, then pray, then be excited, then pray AND be really excited.

on another note-paul is getting really irritated with me (rightfully so) that i don't get excited for pregnant women that didn't have to try for 2+ years. i'm trying to get over it. i'm at least able to love babies again. (i used to not make eye contact with them because i was angry that they were cute and somebody elses.) but i've at least gotten over that part. *sigh* so now i gotta get over pregnant ladies too! give me a break. one thing per decade. is that not fast enough?! i'm trying. i truly, promise you that i am trying. but i'm not there yet.

oh-and in funny this-is-really-my-life?-news: tonight i had acupuncture and i just love molly. now we can laugh that every other appointment will be my pms week and that i will probably come and just cry and cry and cry. ha! poor molly. i think my freckles conceal the part where i'm italian and make people think i'm irish (one of the FEW nationalities that ironically, i am not) so she doesn't know what a huge cryer i really am. well now that i have hormones flowing through my body i cry alot. and when i get pms AND hormones HA! i'm a MESS! so poor molly has to put up with me crying through every other acu appointment. anyway, tonight i said "paul's coming down and we're going to go to dinner" and she said "OH! he's coming here? with the baby?" and i said "oh...no actually, we're just meeting at the restaurant." and she deflated and said "oh." i said "you should come! we're just going right up the street.....seriously!" and she said "oh, no....would he mind?" heehee. she's so cute! and i said "oh no! he won't mind at all!" so she said "well i have some herbs to mix up and i'll be right there." so i got to have dinner with paul, sweet pea and molly. how fun is that? i love my crazy mixed up life. seriously. even though the infertility sucks. i do love my crazy life.

clap your hands!

this morning while putting on our shoes and socks (and by shoes, I mean her new pink boots because now she refuses to wear any other shoes even if it is 60 out today) i started singing "if you're happy and you know it clap your hands" and then i'd clap my hands. well then i was zipping up her boots so i clapped her hands together. and then i sang it again and paused long enough for her to catch on and then SHE started clapping her hands when i got to that part. is she really smart for 16 months or is it just me? she's so cute it kills me!

Cutest little lion EVER!

Since this photo does not reveal anything about sweet pea's identity i can post this. she was a lion for halloween and oh my GOODNESS was she ever the cutest lion i've ever laid eyes on. she didn't like the hood for long periods of time because she's a hot blooded little moma but she did like quite a few things about halloween. 1. the attention she got IN the costume. much like tatum in the octopus suit, sweet pea in the lion suit is an attention grabber. 2. going to the door with all the big kids (we have my nieces and nephews over for halloween every year). 3. holding out her little halloween basket and having people put candy in it. 4. interacting with strangers. she loves making friends no matter where she goes. 5. candy! she has figured out that it is good.
oh MAN do we love this baby more and more every day. continue praying for her situation. nothing more to report really. just plodding along as it goes. today we went to the library and ran into the woman that did her evaluation a month ago. it was fun to see her and reconnect and tell her about the new and wonderful things she's been doing. this last week i taught her how to summersault, somersalt, sommersault....anyway...now she comes up and puts her butt in the air in front of me and her head on the ground waiting for me to flip her over. lately she's been saying "ya" and "thank you" and "my". she's also now able to go to the other room and retrieve something if you say "where's your book?" or "can you bring me your beads?" or "go play with your blocks." we are noticing some things that are gonna take some work but all in all this little tyke is catching up and moving beyond benchmarks in some areas. i think it will be a matter of time before things start to even out and she is caught up in all areas. she's an amazing little one and we are so so thankful for every day we get to spend with her. we are praying for thousands more but after our past few meetings with various case workers i feel confident that they won't send her back unless it truly is the best place for her and her birth family is able to care for her in the very best way and be prepared and ready to do that. please continue to pray for them as you pray for us. it really does take a village to raise a child and we realize that, but selfishly, hope that we are the ones that get to chose who is in that village.

HaPpY BiRtHdAy TATUM!!!

Today is Tatum's 2nd birthday. Can you believe she's two? She's such a wonderful doggie. She is so good with all of the kids that come and go and she's always RIGHT there when we need some lovin'. There's no better doggie in the whole wide world.

Foster Parents of the YEAR?! Really? US?!

We won foster parents of the year for our county, which i think is humbling and exciting all at once. our fellow foster mom, little brother's foster mom, nominated us, and so, got to present the award to us. at the end of the night our case worker snagged her notes and gave them to us. here's what she said:

extraordinary defined is being beyond what is usual; exceptional or remarkable.
extraordinary was john and ruth rose's 34-year commitment to boulder county and its children. the county created the john rose memorial award.

and while what all resource families provide for some of the greatest kids in boulder county is extraordinary, what a new family provided this past year certainly embodies the spirit of the roses.

tell me if any of the following scenario sounds familiar to anyone.
you are a new resource family that just needs to fill your respite (babysitting other foster kiddos) requirement to be certified for a newborn to 7-year-old child. you are scheduled to do respite this weekend when you get a call on friday morning to provide foster care for a 7 and 11 year old sisters.
you're a new family, so of course, you say yes. you have to say yes, right? (the correct answer is no-you have every right to not accept any placement.)

oh, did we mention that they are on a strict VEGAN diet and soon after placement a five-page dissertation of what not to do, what to do and how to do it is sent from the parents.

after two months of slaving away in the kitchen, craving red meat like crazy...but losing several pounds in the process and navigating whole foods, sunflower market and vitamin cottage like pros. did you know they make vegan marshmellows? do you know how many food products contain red-dye no. 40? after tempering the emotions of the 7 year old and the hormones of the tween and providing a week of respite for the third sibling, they reluctantly transitioned the giddy children home and even graciously accepted dinner invitations from the birthparents!

after taking a brief haitus from the kitchen due to pure exhaustion, they are now head over heels for a 16 month old angel, that's at home recovering from the flu, who could not look any more like her for-now father. how social services manages to do this i don't know.

while they try to keep their feet grounded while praying for their forever child, they continue to make extraordinary efforts in the everyday lives of the children they care for.

it gives me great pleasure to present the john rose memorial award to my friends Paul & Cheri'.

it made me cry-i know-what doesn't? but most of all i was honored that we were nominated AND chosen to be foster-parents of the year. i wish the prize was a baby, but unfortunately, it is not. we did get a really nice plaque though.

Please pray.

I humbly ask for you to pray like you've never prayed before. I got word this morning that in the December court hearing they are going to ask that reunification be the remaining goal for Sweet Pea's case.

Now I stand back and realize a few things. I know the ultimate goal of the county is to keep the biological family as intact as possible. And I realize that some of the family members....ok...one family member is doing some of what they are supposed to do in order to get her back. I also realize that even on the best of good days this person is far from capable of taking care of and raising a baby. And I realize a lot MORE has to happen before she can be "reunited" with them on a long term basis.

That being said, I also realize how real the possibility is that we could lose her forever. And I don't know that I can do it.

Please pray that the GAL that represents Sweet Pea also sees this and recommends the courts not reunify. Pray that the judge sees both sides and sees what is truly in the best interest of the child. Please pray that the GAL is able to show the proof that we have that the visits themselves, not just the transporting from one place to another, is what stresses Sweet Pea out to the point that when she comes home to us she just melts into a pool of tears for the rest of the night. Pray that I am able to make my case clear and sound knowledgable and not just like a crazy foster mom that doesn't want to give up her baby. Please pray that I have the right words and thought processes to express how this will effect the rest of her life and not in a positive way.

And if I'm wrong, pray that I am able to see and accept that.

i got my new shoes on

yesterday i got sweet pea some new shoes. we got home and i pulled them out of the box and she came charging across the room and sat down and started pulling on her tennis shoes so she could get them off to try on the new shoes. heehee! she is sooooo cute! i put on her new shoes and she was soooo proud of them. she loved them. this morning we tried to wear them to school (daycare) but they slip off after a short while so they won't make it a whole day. but i can't wait for this weekend so she can wear them.

no more love here

Last week I had an in-home meeting with Sweet Pea's case worker and I found out the birth family has pulled their name out of the homestudy hat until December when the grandma retires and THEN she's going to start her home study. And it takes a couple months to do the home study. At that point Sweet Pea will have bonded with us for 6 months (8 months by the time the home study is done) and who knows what excuse they are going to come up with then. So if she's old enough to retire is she really young enough to raise a baby? AND the father, the grandmother's son, and one of the perpetrators in the case, lives with her AND if she doesn't have enough money now to take an hour off of work to come and visit her how in the WORLD will she have the money to raise Sweet Pea? It's so frustrating. I have no more patience and love for them. In fact, I'm not even sure I want to meet them after this week's meeting. If they truly loved her and wanted her they would be doing everything in their power to get her back RIGHT NOW TODAY! It infuriates me.

We went up stairs to see Sweet Pea's bed because they have to see it every time. While we were up there Sweet Pea saw her grandparents picture that I keep in her room. So I said "You wanna see g-ma and g-pa. Here you go." and handed her the picture. When I was handing it to her she was still reaching for the top of the desk for MY MOM & DAD'S PICTURE. She has NO connection or memory of her grandparents at all. It's only because it's the little routine we do every morning. The case worker saw how she does and I said "See what I mean? She should know THESE people, not MY mom and dad." I think the case worker is running out of steam for the birth family but I don't know and who knows what the judge will think.

Sunday Paul was playing music on his computer and she came over and just stood there. She dances now too which is so cute. She stands there and shakes her hips side to side or she swooshes her arms back and forth. I have started keeping my toothbrush with hers so that when I brush my teeth I remember to brush hers. Granted there's only 2 teeth in there but she LOVES brushing her teeth. She gets upset when I put the toothbrush away the only way I can appease her is to let her turn the light switch off.

She's such a little nugget. WE LOVE THIS LITTLE BABY SO MUCH!

Oh and she graduated a shoe size. She's now a size 3 shoe which means I might actually be able to find more shoes with tread on them verses the shoes that just have leather or slipper bottoms. They just don't make shoes for 6 month old sized kids that walk!!

Cheri's

This is the woman I'm named after. I'm on the left, she's on the right. I have always been so flattered to be named after her because she's also the most fun person in the world. I don't even have to meet everyone else to know. She's a TON of fun-all the time! Even when she's going through hell in life she's still the most fun person on the planet. And to top it off she's gorgeous. She can wear anything and she's still gorgeous. This week she was in town for a conference so yesterday I got to go down and see her and she got to meet Sweet Pea and my husband. She'd met my husband before but it was our wedding and you know how weddings go. They are a whirlwind of a day then you are left standing alone with your new spouse realizing it's forever and you're no longer bridezilla and have no one to boss around. Anyway-that was the day that Cheri #1 met Paul. So it was a total blast to get to spend hours with her all to ourselves.

hopeish kinda

tonight i had acupuncture again and she sat and talked to me about how i'm feeling and i told her how i've been so depressed this last week and how everyone and their brother (ok-not literally) have announced pregnancies and she got determined. my last cycle was only 30 days. that's HUGE progress. aside from a fluke 18 day cycle i had when i first started acupuncture that's the closest i've ever in my life come to a 28 day cycle. brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. and i told her how insecure i've been getting with pms. like - literraly-i had more self confidence in the 6th grade than i do when i have pms. and she said "oh ya, that's just pms." i sat up and said "does every woman go through that every month? because it's happened to me twice in a row now!" and she giggled and said "yes." then thought about it and said "so you've NEVER had that before?" and i said "oh no, seriously, the last time i was this emotional was when i was in college." and she said my cycles should have peaked at 21 or 22 and then stayed normal or fertile. but when i was in college my life was such a rocky roller coaster of a mess it's hard telling now, looking back, if it was just during weeks that would have been pms or if that was just my life then. i honestly think that was just my life then but even with the benefit of a doubt that would mean my last real cycle was 12 years ago. not good odds when you're trying to make a baby. she thinks i've not been ovulating but when i test i get positive ovulation tests if i take them long enough. sometimes it's on day 17 (it's supposed to be more like day 14) but still i ovulate.
i'm rambling now.
all this to say i feel hopeful again. and i don't think molly even realized how little hope i had and how much hope i needed but i think i've found my mojo again and can make it through another month.

she SLAYS us

this week sweet pea did some super SuPeR cute things. monday i took her with me to the post office because i love to spend every waking moment i can with her. i had to get some stamps for a wedding shower i'm throwing for my sister-in-law. we snuck in the post office door JUST before they closed the doors so we had to wait in a looooong line. we were getting to the front of the line so i pulled my credit card out to make things speedier and sweet pea took it from my hands, leaned towards the post office clerks and held out the card. she has learned that when we are shopping, if can JUST hand over that card they let us leave. HA! she's so dang smart!

then tonight paul was listening to some new song on his iphone and she started bobbing back and forth in her high chair. we finished dinner and he was listening to another song and she started swaying back and forth and spinning in circles. she was dancing. UGH! again SO CUTE!

I LOVE THIS BABY! dear god can we keep her, can we keep her, can we keep her, please?!

good report

today we had a check up at the doctor and sweet pea is moving right along. she's gained 3 ounces since our last weigh in which makes a grand total of 1 pound and 7 ounces since she came home. as far as development the doctor was really impressed with how bright sweet pea seems to be now. she was listening to sweet pea's chest with the stethoscope and moving it over an inch and listening all around and sweet pea took it with her fingers and moved it over and around some more. she's just so smart. so much going on in that little head of hers.
she asked about her words and i told her i have a book of animals that i read her and sometimes i read the name of the animal and other times I'll make the animal noise, and the other day she pointed to the doggie and said "woof, woof". the doctor said that she's right on target for words now.

ok. this still sucks.

i'm not sure if facebook is such a great idea or not. it seems every time i'm on there someone new is counting down the days until they deliver their baby. or counting up the days since they found out they were pregnant. or announcing that they're on their way into the delivery room. or giving the weight, length, gender, name and time their baby arrived. i get it. it's a social network. but does it have to make me feel so friggin left behind? maybe i need to get off of there. i cry every day now. i just wonder what it's like to get a baby and know you won't have to give it back. i put sweet pea to bed and cry because i don't know how many more of these nights i'll get. or how i'll ever get through one with out her. and i pick her up from day care before i run my errands so i can spend more minutes with her. this sucks. it's like getting to have a baby and knowing they are going to die before all of your dreams for them come true. maybe i'm not cut out for this fostering thing anymore. and maybe i'm not cut out for facebook anymore either.

it's the thought that counts

about a month ago we got a bike buggy so we could take sweet pea on bike rides with us. but i wanted to get one big enough so we could put tatum in there with her and go to the park or go places and not have to worry about tatum or feel guilty that we left her behind. this weekend we finally got the chance to use it. so, we buckled sweet pea in, then told tatum to "hop on up" (that's what we tell her to get her in the car) and she hopped on up. we snapped everything shut and off we went. until we rounded the corner where we normally take tatum to throw the ball. pretty soon i felt some ruckus going on back there, then i heard some squeaking coming from sweet pea and paul said "oop-there she goes!" tatum had squeazed herself between the layers of mesh up to the front of the buggy where sweet pea was buckled in. by the time i got the bike pulled over tatum was ON sweet pea. i'm trying to figure out how to explain what i mean by "on". paul says "full body maul?" "butt in her face?" it was sort of like tatum's tummy was on sweet pea's forehead. does that explain it? so we played a little ball and put tatum back inside while the three of us took a nice looooong bike ride. i loved it!

NEVER say this:

tonight i walked into daycare and another woman was holding my baby. i have no idea who she is. all i know is sweet pea is kicking her feet and giggling and squealing because she can see me walking in the door. i smiled and took her from the mystery woman and she goes "she did the same thing for me." and then gave this snide little chuckle like she's so adoring. ok-just in case you were THINKING about telling another mother that, DON'T. that leaves me reeling with questions. does that mean she's not bonded to me? does that mean she'd bond like this with anyone? so for instance, if she went back home she wouldn't miss me and would have no trouble bonding to just any joe schmoe? and i don't know that i even BELIEVE this woman because another mother in the foyer said "oh did you see the way that baby got so excited that her mother was here? i've never SEEN such a beautiful baby." so that tells me that she did NOT react that way twice, she only did that ONCE and that was when I walked in the door. AND ANOTHER THING-you just don't know what the situation IS to begin with to say that to someone. i just took sweet pea and didn't say a word to her and gathered her things and left. and the daycare worker who HAD sweet pea in the foyer to begin with, followed me around talking to me about everything under the sun and frankly, i'm pissed today. i just want to get my baby and go home. i am NOT in the mood to chit-chat. if i was in the mood to chit-chat i'd start it.

and while i'm griping about daycare-i really wish they would not feed her crackers at 5:30 when i'm coming at 5:45 to take her home for dinner. we're fighting the uphill battle of her being under-weight. the last thing i need her full of 15 minutes before dinner is empty carbs. i can't tell you how many times they've smiled and said "she ate 4 crackers from me!" she's not a monkey. she'll eat 4 crackers from anyone at 5:30. DON'T FEED HER! so i said "if i send her with some fruit labeled "snack" could you please feed her that instead of crackers right before i come pick her up." tomorrow when i'm not so pissy i will say it again and not in the suggestive tone i did today. it will be in the following demanding tone: "we're really working on getting weight on her and if she is fed crackers at 5:30 she won't eat dinner at 5:45. i have brought fruit for her to snack on at 5:30 when she starts to get hungry. please do not feed her crackers." UGH!

**Edited to Add: and when the washing machine breaks on Sunday and they say on Monday they'll call you on Wednesday and be out on Thursday the last thing you want to have to do, on an already-grumpy night, is track down their lazy butts to find out why they didn't call you on Wednesday, like they said they would, and you have to find out if they are really coming on Thursday, like they said they would, because you have standing water in the bottom of your 1-year-old washing machine, turning MUSTY. AURGH!

**Edited again to Add: and then the baby throws up on you everything she's been fed since the crackers at 5:30 at daycare, right through to the bottle you just gave her 3 minutes ago. So there goes every calorie we put in her tonight. SUPER AURGH!