open adoption...what it means and how it's working.....for us

ok. so it sucks.
there are times where it warms my heart.
but for the most part it still sucks.
i try not to feel this way. for my kids. for their birth family. for the connection that some day they might want to have or might regret me for forming on behalf of them when they were still this young.
we met with abuelo and step-abuela the other night. they are sweet. they are trying. we are trying. it's like an awkward blind date that just doesn't end. i'm not sure at what point i will look forward to our visits. or tell them our last name. or admit that we now call asher by his middle name that we gave him, and not the name their daughter gave him. or even tell them what side of town we live on.
there are moments when we think we don't want to have this relationship with the grandparents. we want to have it with birth-dad. but he's not an option. and i think as much as i feel this way about the grandparents what if i get into a relationship with dad and regret that we ever had that desire? *sigh*
so anyway. we met again. asher has no reaction to them, good or bad. to him they are just some couple we eat a meal with a couple times a year. karyssa wasn't so sure about them in the beginning. i told her before we went who we were going to see and that if she was uncomfortable she could go and play in the playland. she snuggled close to me for dinner and then went to play and quickly warmed up knowing there was a piece of glass between her and them. after a few rounds of peek-a-boo she came out of the playland, climbed over step-abuela's lap and hopped onto abuelo's lap and checked him out without making eye contact. i think she could remember them...but i think she wasn't sure where she remembered them from. abuelo beamed from start to finish again.right up to the part where they opened the trunk of their car to "get [asher's] baby blanket" and there sat, in all it's childhood royalty, karyssa's first bike. bright pink and purple and shiny brand new. step-abuela told me "i told him it was too big for her but he really wanted to buy it for her." karyssa loved it. it had to sleep in her room with her the first night. she can barely reach the pedals but when she leans to actually pedal them she tips the bike over. but she loves it nonetheless. she also got crocs which she has worn every day since.
i love that she loves these gifts. i think it's the actual gift more than the gifter that she's in love with. but still...it's the little part that warms my heart. it's the little part that makes me feel like we're doing the right thing for the long run.
time will tell. i hope time will be kind to us.