it's back

i'm sad again.
it's the full on depression kind of sad.
the kind where i wish i could just stay in my bed and cry for the next few days.
i feel like everyone around me is able to get pregnant and here i sit. with tumbleweeds rolling around where there should be babies kicking. i feel even more left behind than i already did. i feel like now there's yet another baby that will celebrate birthdays while me and paul are still trying. and i'm sooooo happy for the friends that have gotten pregnant lately. it's not the kind of friends that already have 10 and then "try" for a month and wah-lah get pregnant. it's the kind of friends that were in the thick of it with me. and have been trying and trying and really didn't have any hope or expectations anymore and wah-lah got pregnant. the happy kind of pregnancy announcements.
but then we got some unexpected news on the foster front tonight and that's just compounding the reality of my life, i guess. i knew they were going to go home the whole time. it's not a surprise. i didn't know the day we got the call and they came to live with us. i didn't know the first month or so that they were here. but now i know. they really do have very loving parents. they are very lucky, which in turn, makes us very lucky because we have great girls. but. it has made it very apparent that we will never be their parents.the foster thing is fun. but they aren't mine and they never will be mine and they love their parents more than me and that's how it always will be. so i'm not sure that this is quite what i had hoped for. i'm so glad i can be there for the girls in this crazy time of their lives.and i have come to realize how hard it is to go out of your way to do something really great and fun for the kids only to have to turn to them and say "have you ever done this before?" i want to be the person that already knows what they've done and what experiences they've been through since conception. i don't want to have to guess. i don't want to have to ask.
and i know god has promised me a houseful of children. i just hope it's not a houseful of other people's children.
anyway. this is a pretty disconnected post and it's not flowing like they normally do. but there you have it. the yucky, choppy, disconnected truth.