another announcement

well, i got another e-i'm pregnant today. i'm beginning to think i need to change my email address and stop checking. i know i need to be happy for her. i know i do. but it's really hard. it's a couple that always said they wanted to adopt so i'm not sure if it's an oops baby or what. not that that would make it any easier. i sobbed and sobbed this morning not because i don't want her to have a baby but just because it makes me feel even more of a mutant. not the kind that can fly or see through walls or something cool. just a plane old mutant that can't do what "normal" people can do. and then i feel like i'm acting like a spoiled 12 year old little brat that i can't just be happy for someone else's announcement. i truly deep down inside just want to have innocent joy for their announcement but now it's so tainted with my egocentric left-behind feelings that i can't muster it up. i think i'm done crying for now. but i realize even if we had 100 foster kids and adopted all of them that we could (which would be about 10 of them) it will never take the pain away of pregnancy announcements. the only time i'm happy is when i know they've been trying or if i know they too struggled. why can't i be happy for the ones that didn't have to try and were handed a perfectly healthy pregnancy with no problems? it's not like i think everyone should have their innocence ripped from them so that anytime the ever do see a positive on a pregnancy test they sigh and hope "maybe this one will turn into a real live baby to hold." i don't want that for anyone. i just wish my innocence hadn't been taken away. and that i could just get pregnant because we tried one month. and we didn't have to struggle and force and eat tremendously restricted diets in hopes that one month, just maybe, i would have ONE healthy egg and he would have ONE healthy sperm catch that egg in the 4% chance we have in the very good months.