Sunday, August 17, 2008

thinkin'

so i've been thinking. what do i do if this actually works this week? i don't want to announce it on here because i don't want everyone to get all giddy excited but i also know that if i post nothing on here you'll all be wondering and i'll still have to answer questions. so here's the deal. if you continue to read on you are in contractual obligation to agree to the terms below. (this is my blog so don't bother trying to wheel and deal with me.) if you chose not to read on so that you don't have to agree to the obligations below, you'll just be in the dark because i have very high expectations, as i've been told by a certain un-named ex-boyfriend, (who also called me compulsive and i'd rather call it "getting things done now")who will remain nameless. and with those too-high expectations comes the reality that if you do not read below i will just hang up on you if you call to talk about it.
here's my plan, should you chose to accept it or try not reading on so you don't have to:
if this works i am not going to say anything. i don't want to talk about it on the phone unless i bring it up in which point it will be VERY brief.
if this does not work you'll hear about it for sure because i'll be throwing a very big pity party.
back to "if this works". i want you to understand that getting pregnant for me is not even half the battle. just because this might take doesn't mean i get a baby in the end. thus the reason that i don't want to talk about it. i don't want to know potential due dates, as that only gives me another date to grieve. i don't want to talk about other peoples due dates, success stories, or not-success stories. this includes, but is not limited to, pregnant lady stories, dead baby stories, sick baby stories, stories of babies that were born with unsermountable obsticals that either did or did not make it. the other thing i want you to know is that if this does take it will be at LEAST another 6-9 weeks before we know if there is a baby in there and even after that i will have to wait and see if there is a heartbeat.

in other news, today is kind of a hard day. we went to eat lunch at a mexican restaraunt because the sermon today was about being salty and he used chips and salsa as his prop. so of course 90% of flatirons church went out for mexican afterwards. as we were sitting there a mom and a dad, that were very white (i'm not being racist, this is part of the story) walked up with two very cute chinese girls. and it makes me wonder, what if that is where all of this is heading. can i love that baby as if it were my own? would i be ready for that? the answer, i think, is yes. i know i want to adopt a baby someday but not as a last resort. i want to adopt a baby because i'm ready for that baby. and i have love to give to that baby. i don't want to adopt a chinese baby today so that i have something to mother. that's why i got tatum and it's working just perfectly. all that to say, these ideas are rolling around in my head. twice in the last week i've seen chinese girls with very white parents and the wheels start to turn and i wonder what could be. what might be. what i could or couldn't do in that situation if it comes to be. so those are my thoughts for today. sorry if they are a little too deep.

5 comments:

Nicole said...

i was starting to wonder, you had nothing planned all weekend and no post yet! thanks for updating and I agree to the terms of the contract so I can still read your blog. only budget talks and moving talks- like "if this works and you get a baby in the end where do I stay? do you have 3 bedrooms?!" otherwise- you know Im broke........ but a couch will do :)

you have a beautiful life that i love and often wish i could be as cool as you. SERIOUSLY

Nicole said...

i hope i didn't just break the contract. i'm bad with those type of things. ok only moving and money....

Elizabeth Angelo said...

Good to hear (or read??) what you're thinking about things. I too agree to the terms of the contract but I do want you to know that we will be thinking of you and praying about it all. So I hope you feel supported even though we won't be bringing it up.

Unknown said...

Preach on sister.

Sandra said...

I'm with Jenn on this one (imagine that?) I don't want to talk about it either. Nor do I want to talk about sad anythings right now.

Happy thoughts (not the artificial-sweetener kind), of the Tatum-kind, and sunshine and flowers and shade and green grass kind ;-)