the VERY low down

alright. i haven't posted because i've been crying for 2 days straight. i did good today and made it all the way to 5:30 before bursting into tears for an hour straight.
i tested yesterday morning and of course got nothing. i then spent an hour and a half laying in bed sobbing before i HAD to get ready and pull myself together for work. i had 15 minutes to look like something. i did good. i got makeup on. got to work. said my 'mornings. (i don't say good morning if i don't mean it, i just say 'morning and let people assume.) then i don't know what happened. i was sitting at my desk at work and burst into tears at 9:00. it was the quiet kind of sobbing tears and i was thankful, for the first time, that my office is farther away from everyone else's. they each came by one by one to say their good mornings and i did good for a minute just giving them the back-handed wave. but then one of the guys, the son, came in and sat down in the chair directly in front of my face and said "so how was your weekend? WHAT'S WRONG?!" he knows i've been in and out of the doctors office every ten minutes this month but i didn't tell him because he's living with a girl, he's young, he doesn't know all this girl stuff that goes on yet. i tried to be vague but it just made it more confusing so i said "we've been trying to have a baby for a year and a half and now we need medical intervention to get pregnant and that's what i went through this month but i found out this morning it didn't work." and his face just dropped. that's all that i said. he gave me a hug and then i tried to change the subject to work and then he went back to his office. then jeff came by. "hey cheri...WHAT'S WRONG?!" he's the one that knows. i just said "it didn't take." and he knew exactly what i meant. i then spent the next hour trying to pull myself together to no avail. then my boss came in. i SO did not want to be crying when she got there but when i cry my entire FACE turns beat red and puffs up like a puffer fish. luckily i don't have spikes on my face or i'd really be a treat. she said "oh no! something happened! what is it what's wrong?!" and i told her everything. she knew before she hired me that we were wanting to start a family but since she's been out of the office for 3 weeks she did not know about all of the doctors appointments and blood work and new diagnoses that i have to choke down every 3 days. she said "you know i am adopted. did you ever think that maybe there's a baby out there that with out you has no hope?" and i said "yes but we can't afford it, it costs anywhere from $8,000 to $40,000 and we don't have that. ivf is just as expensive and we won't have the money for another iui until next spring." she just sat down and i could tell her little wheels were spinning how she could fix this. she's a realtor and therefore a negotiator. she was so sweet, she even sent me flowers later in the afternoon to "brighten my day." how cute is that?
then came today. i did good. i went into work. no tears. then my boss came in and said "i know this whole baby thing is tough for you and i know it will be your time soon but i have to show you...i became a grandma again last night." and then she showed me all the pictures of her grandbaby that was born just 12 hours earlier. how could i say anything after how nice she was yesterday? but then she went on to beam all day on the phone to people that she became a grandma last night. it was really tough. not because she became a grandma, but because for another month i won't be able to put the twinkle in my mom's eyes because i made her a grandma again. and since everyone else is done having kids she won't be a grandma again until i have babies.
but. i made it through the entire day with out crying and then got to my car at exactly 5:31 and bawled my way home, then laid on the couch bawling until 6:30 when paul came home.
how am i ever going to make it through this?