hesitant

this week was quite a roller coaster. i'm not sure i totally feel like posting but i guess since this blog is all about what's really going on with me i feel like i should share. like the kidney bean post, this could disappear if i change my mind later this morning.
here goes.
monday night i crawled into bed realizing the sheets need to be changed. i rolled over in bed to see an inch of dust on the nightstands. i looked into the bathroom only to remember i haven't cleaned them since the last time we had company. which was a very long time ago. i cried because i realized for the first time just how much depression i've been living through with all of this trying to conceive business. tuesday i was more depressed than ever. i got myself a granita...it's sort of like the longmont locals version of a frapaccino. those always put me in a better mood. but me + caffeine + 3:00 in the afternoon = way too much energy at the end of the day. so i went home and cleaned the house. i was determined. i didn't even sit down when i got home. i just started cleaning. paul made dinner but realized we needed eggs so he ran to the store. being alone in the house i broke down and took a preg test. my period was due and i didn't feel it coming so i thought i might as well try. and it happened. i got a very very VERY faint double line. if you squinted and held it just right you could see it. (a double line means you're pregnant.) i wasn't sure since it was so very faint so i posted to my fertility friends and told them. one of the girls posted a link for another girl about pregnancy tests so i was reading that web page. i found out that no matter how faint the line is, the fact that there is a double line means you're pregnant. now there are a few ways to have a false positive. one is a chemical pregnancy. one is an evap line, but those are usually grey and mine was pink. and another way is if you have taken certain meds or triggers during the month it can mess with your chemicals and create a false positive. i didn't take any triggers this month. so again i was reassured. i told myself i wouldn't retest until saturday, today, because if it was negative i didn't want to cry all day and i didn't want to take another evening test because it could just give me another faint line. so i chose to wait it out. all week little signs kept peering their little heads and i thought "this could be it" and "maybe we finally did it". friday morning i woke up puffy from my neck to my knees. my boobs were huge, porno sized boobs. again still no sign of my period. i went to work thinking "this could really be it". then at 3:00 i got it. i wanted to break down and cry for hours but i was at work. i just kept my mouth shut and didn't talk to anyone. really i was thinking "i knew it was too good to be true. why am i shocked that it's really here? how can i be surprised when deep down inside i didn't yet believe it?" but no matter. i held out strong for an entire hour. then i had to talk. it was all overwith. one tear. then the floodgates opened. it was here and i was accepting that that meant that a baby was still NOT on our horizon. i cried for the next hour, having to explain to my new boss that i had gotten a positive test on tuesday night but my period had come and my tears had nothing to do with work. i'm devastated today. i don't know how to pick myself up and dust myself off and plan forward for yet another month. i am truly ready to put this idea to rest for good. i just don't have the emotional strength to do this month after month after month. the holidays are coming which brings out all of the "baby's first christmas" decorations and the first anniversary of what would have been the birth of our first baby. this used to just suck from christmas to mother's day. now it sucks from halloween to my birthday. which leaves me 3 1/2 months out of the year to not be so affected by it all. so that's what's going on.