this was a tough week. this is kind of a hard post and i know that family is going to not appreciate it so if you don't want to know how i really feel about things, please read the next post. it's my blog and it's not open for discussion.
this last week my brother sent me pictures of his little girl. she's super cute and roly poly fat like her big brother. one thing you probably don't know about me is that i miss my nieces and nephews every single day but especially sophie bee and violet because i have never gotten to meet them and they are growing up with out me. but when i got the pictures of sophie bee it was extra hard because she was born 2 weeks before our baby would have been. i know i won't feel like this forever, but seeing pictures of her is like a bookmark of where my baby's life should be. i hope this feeling goes away but honestly i don't think it will until i have a healthy happy baby of my own. i just don't get why god takes my babies away and gives babies to those that don't expect them. that's not to say sophie was not wanted because she is very wanted and very loved. i just don't get why i paid off my bills, put paul through school, got ourselves to good place financially, worked out the kinks of early marriage only to get ourselves to the place that we're truly ready inside and out for kids and then not be able to have them. what did i ever do to not deserve a baby. or just one innocent pregnancy. anyway. it's just kind of a bum week because it makes me realize all over again how different my life would be had our baby made it and i would have a happy roly poly 7 month old baby right about now.
About Me
- The Boss of this page
- when my husband and i were hiking from georgia to maine in 2002 we sat on the side of the road on the PA 105 debating if we wanted to order a pizza or keep hiking on for the night. my husband looked down and saw that i was sitting in ice cream, and then i looked down and, at the same moment, we both noticed that the ice cream cone was smooshed into a pair of panty hose. we looked at the debacle, then back at each other then we both wondered in unison how in the world did those two items come together like that? this is sort of the long and the short of this blog. it's very random and yet smooshes altogether to make the debacle that is my life.
3 comments:
I appreciate your honesty. You're right, it's not fair. I think fertility / infertility is one of the most obvious areas of life where things are not "just". The fifteen year old addict has two kids and the committed married couple tries for years. When I was working patient advisory I'd get so upset when pregnant teens would call me and ask how much _____ (fill in drug of choice) they can take without hurting their baby. I'm sure some of them straighten out to be good parents but still. I've been on the other side of things not being fair. It's not fair that I have babies and you don't. I do not understand and it's something I think all the time. I love you and I am praying for you and Paul to have a baby of your own. You are a huge part of the girls' lives, even from a distance, and I'm sure it will be the same way for V and for Sophie. I'm sorry it's a tough week.
Completely understandable. It's such a hard thing to go through. No one can honestly know how you're feeling. The "oops" pregnancies are the ones that kill me the most. It drives me insane.
I go through something similar with my neighbor. Her youngest was born only a few weeks after my first should have been. I try not to do the comparison in my mind every time I see him, but it's really hard. Hugs to you, sweetie.
Post a Comment