Friday, July 18, 2008
shaking in my boots...why?
today is my appointment with the RE (that's fertility talk for reproductive endocrinologist, thus the reason i say specialist or even easier RE). i feel like i know the answers on my medical insurance and that answer is that the insurance is going to cover the same stuff, but one will do IUI (intrauterine insemination) and the other won't. at this point i'm feeling like if we got to the IUI stage i would like to put that money towards an acupuncturist instead of IUI's anyway. i know the duties of the new job will be great. i know i could do them with one hand tied behind my back. i know it would be good for me to get out of the house and shake the dust off of me. i know it would be REALLY good for me to not have the headache of my crazy co-workers. and by crazy i mean, if they didn't have drivers licenses they would be put in the psych ward. i know it would be good for me to learn another part of the real estate industry. i also know that more and more of my duties are being done by other people and other departments and i could be phased out and laid off next month. so why am i so scared? here's more of what i know. i know that commercial is more stable than residential. i know that larger companies have more money to fudge around with. i know that life is short and without risks there's no excitement. i also know that i have bills to pay, one in particular that i have to pay by january or i'll be paying back interest on $12,000 for the past year. i know i do NOT want to do that. so why don't i know which way to go here? how can this really be this hard of a decision? i've been praying all week and up until wednesday night i knew i wanted the new job. then wednesday night, in the middle of the night i woke up with all of these questions, concerns, thoughts, confusions circling above my head like birds and x's do on cartoons when someone gets wacked up side the head. i have to make a decision tonight. when i think about calling my boss and telling him i've found another position i'll be excited. but i also know i'll be letting him down. so is that my biggest hang up? not necessarily. this morning when paul went to work i went to the store. we closed the door and heard a "hey, guys, you forgot me. you left me out and didn't take me with you." otherwise known as a bark. i came back later and she was just patiently waiting there. she was fine. but now she won't leave my side. i know, i KNOW, she will adjust to the change. but am i ready for it? is this how mothers feel about their human babies when they have to go back to work? then paul said last night, "what if you take this job and get pregnant right away." we already know that i won't be able to stay home with the kids. so it's not like i plan on working for 9 months and quitting. and she knows that i'm a married woman in my reproductive years, although i look 22, i'm really 33. and she's willing to take that chance that i will have kids and come back to work. so if she's willing to take that chance why am i worried about putting her in that position? dear god, why is this so hard. can't you just wave a magic wand over my day and make rain clouds in the east and sunshine in the west so i know which direction to go?
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3 comments:
Someone once told me that women have a much harder time leaving a job than men because they feel much more loyalty to their employers. Maybe we're just wired to be people-pleasers or something. I know you didn't ask for it, but here's my advice: DO NOT be concerned about letting your current boss down or any questions your potential new boss might have about your family-building pursuits. She offered you the job, she wants you to be there. Do what is best FOR YOU. The working mom issues will come up regardless, but I think I'd want the more stable environment at work with little ones at home. You said you were excited thinking of giving notice. I say go with that. When I was finally ready to make the decision to leave my job, I was so giddy I could barely contain my elation when telling my boss(es). That's when I knew it was the right decision for me. It's a big decision, and it's okay to have doubts and concerns. That just let's you know you're not taking this lightly. Good luck, Cheri'! I believe great things are in store for you, so even if you decide to turn down this offer, that just means there's something better on the horizon.
Robbyn, you are far from stepping on my toes. i love to hear the different angles i should be looking at this from. the one thing i maybe should have mentioned is that i have NEVER left a job just because i was tired of it or the co-workers. i've always left because i was moving out of state. so this is a HUGE decision for me.
Okay, now we're getting somewhere! :) I'm understanding the hesitation a little better now. What you're saying is that in the past, the decision has always been made for you and now you have an actual say in this part of your life? And you'll only have yourself to blame if it doesn't work out, so you're even warier of making a mistake? Sounds familiar ;) Makes the decision loom even larger, for sure, but being tired of a job and fed up with co-workers are both fantastic reasons for moving on.
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