now that we have 2 kiddos in the house i am starting to question...do i really want to get pregnant or am i just being stubborn? do i really NEED children from my own womb? i think about my desires and wonder: are they selfish? are they dwindling? are they really still there or is it now just the dream that is there and eventually that too will fade? will it ever completely fade away or will the ghosts of the freckle faced children always be standing in the shadows of the corners? i think about all the positives and i think...gosh...do i really even want to keep trying to get pregnant? i won't be passing down my fair-easily-sunburnt skin. i won't be passing down my possible ADD, which, i might defend, comes in handy when multi-tasking is a necessity. my butt won't expand to never ever return to its before-kids state. my boobs won't ever have stretch marks. my stomach won't ever have that gooey bagel shaped pooch all birth-mom's complain about. but then there's the tiny things....will my kids be artistic like me and paul? i'll never have kids with paul's beautiful cheek bones. or his handsome dark skin. oh wait. yes, maybe i will have children with his beautiful dark skin. and maybe they won't have his beautiful cheek bones, but they'll still be beautiful.
god promised me a quiver full but he never said anything about where they would come from. and if i had one of my own, and it was the baby of the family, would sweet pea and peanut always say we favored that child because it was a biological child? or would they say we favored them because they were the baby? and then i think about my own family. on my mother's side i don't have any blood related cousins because so many people are adopted. and would i have felt differently if someone would have had a biological child? i have biological cousins on my dad's side, and i'm not as close to them as i am to my cousins on my mom's side. i've never felt jipped in any way. it's just always been how it was. in fact, me and the cousin i grew up playing with could walk into each other's houses and totally redecorate and it be EXACTLY how we would do it. we think the same. we pick the same things. we like the same stuff. we're both artistic. she is MUCH better with hair than i am since i seem to have only one hair cut-the mountain range bang cut. i don't know. all this to say-i'm not sure i still want to try. i don't know that i don't. i'm just saying-these are the thoughts that have been going through my head for the last month since peanut's been with us.
and then there's the question of how many is too many? i always thought 3 was the perfect number. but now that i have a perfect girl and a perfect boy....do i really want to upset this apple cart? what if i end up with a sibling that could be the that sibling in the mix? *sigh* i don't know. i have a basement full of baby clothes-both girl AND boy now-that i'm not willing to even think about parting with in hopes that someday i will have someone to wear them again. not someone from my belly....just...someone.
as i look around the dinner table at all the chubby and growing faces i have to wonder what is it, exactly, that i think i'm missing out on.
About Me
- The Boss of this page
- when my husband and i were hiking from georgia to maine in 2002 we sat on the side of the road on the PA 105 debating if we wanted to order a pizza or keep hiking on for the night. my husband looked down and saw that i was sitting in ice cream, and then i looked down and, at the same moment, we both noticed that the ice cream cone was smooshed into a pair of panty hose. we looked at the debacle, then back at each other then we both wondered in unison how in the world did those two items come together like that? this is sort of the long and the short of this blog. it's very random and yet smooshes altogether to make the debacle that is my life.
1 comment:
only you can answer these questions. the one thing I can say is that this moment that you are in with them right now passes in the blink of an eye. they will never be this age again. that is a hard one for me sometimes. Violet is growing up every day. Edie & Emma will never again be toddlers. and I really, really loved having them as toddlers. I love that Violet toddles around the house with a phone up to her ear saying "gwampa?". I have always wanted to hold onto that age because it was magical for me, I guess. but life goes on. I hope that you are able to savor this time with them and that these thoughts, wherever they lead, will only help you to more fully appreciate each "precious moment" that you have with them. I think our blog was really a desperate way to capture as many memories we were afraid we would forget. but again, life goes on. they grow up, and every day we have with them deepens and strengthens that bond.
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