the big regret

well. i have to accept defeat. i realize now that taking the job with m'lady was a huge mistake. one that cannot be undone. i can't go back. i have to believe that it was just a matter of time before i would have been laid off from my other job. paul has a months worth of vacation time to take and he's only been at his company for a year. i have maybe 1 day if i beg just right. i know that tomorrow i have to go back to work to a job that i will surely not do right and then i will have to hear of how idiotic my mistakes are because i wasn't forward thinking enough, or i didn't consider how the client would feel, or i wasn't detail oriented enough, or i didn't understand enough, or i didn't say it EXACTLY as it was scripted for me, or a number of other things that i will surely not have done right. it's exhausting. and i'm now fully convinced that i am an idiot. i am a lazy, no good, idiot that has somehow just pulled the wool over everyone else's eyes for the last 7 years of my career. or at least, this is what i've been lead to believe in the last 7 months. i feel like i've been working hard to learn and stretch and grow my career and take on every project or direction or promotion, whether it's up or just over, so that i can advance my knowledge of the industry. and somehow, without even being aware, i took a step into the deep abyss of the unknown only to fall down a tunnel of dispair. i feel like i will never recover. professionally, or personally. i don't know what to do at this point of my life. look for something else full time, only to quit later this summer with the placement of foster kids. or stick it out and have more and more of my soul ripped out and stomped to pieces. i don't know if i should get completely out of this industry, or if i should find something back in title. i don't know what to do. i can feel the depression overtaking me. it consumes every moment of me whether at work or home. i have complained about other jobs before. i know it. it's a fault of mine. the ever-pessimistic employee. but this time it's different. it's shredded every bit of self-esteem i had in myself. i don't know which is more important. be able to pay the bills, or be able to look at myself in the mirror and have any kind of self worth left. i know her issues are hers alone, but she has been able to suck me in to her sad little self absorbed world to the point that i cannot find my way out. *sigh* and it's sunday night. i have but 12 hours left of freedom before i have to start another week all over again.