Dear New Neighbor Across The Street,

I know you just moved in a couple weeks ago but there are already so many things I'd like to tell you.

First I'd like to tell you how vibrant* your 400 watt front porch bulb is all night long. I wake up mere moments after falling asleep to find that it's almost dawn, only to look at the clock and find it's only 12:30am. Wow...I've never had a neighbor with such an effect on me before. It's really....something!

We've all been talking about the playhouse that you brought with you. I love the color of shingles it has. I say that because as I sit here in the dining room of my townhouse I can see the top of it sticking out from the wall of your front porch. Huh, I thought that was against HOA regulation but kudos to you for finding a way around that.

I love the assortment of pickup trucks that park out front of your unit for hours on end. They block the nice bright red curb so well. I was always afraid to leave my car unattended there for fear of towing since, after all, that red curb does indicate a fire lane.

Your son is also so...*vibrant. I love the way he rides his bike down the sidewalks yelling while my kids are napping. And your communication style with him is so expressive. It's nice to see that every hour or so you are keeping an eye on him. As well as your 3 year old daughter. I keep my kids on our porch with the gate locked for fear of the sex offender down the street but you're so brave to let her wander the neighborhood like a lost child. Invigorating, really, to see such brazen parenting skills. We all look forward to the day we get to meet you by dragging your son home by his ear because inevitably, we all see it coming but you.

Oh, and one quick thing you might not be aware of...when you take your cell phone calls out on your front porch late at night when all the lights in the neighborhood (with exception to your vibrant porch light) are out, I wasn't sure if you were aware the rest of us could hear you. Just a friendly FYI.

Sincerely,
Gladys Kravitz

*[read: obnoxious]

P.S. I love the ARMY t-shirt you wear often. Really drives home the tough as nails exterior.