ok. i'm having a bad day. actually i'm having a bad two days in a row. the duggars have announced #19 is coming. and she said on their show last night "by god's grace i will carry this baby and by god's grace i will give birth to it." and i just thought-where's my stupid grace? where's my baby? where's my giving birth? what did i ever do to not deserve some grace? it just makes me mad. and we paid the bills last night and again have no money to put into savings and i feel like i'm throwing money away to acupuncture. i'm still not pregnant, i'm just more money in the hole. paul says not to worry about it and it's not that i worry about it. it's that i'm tired of wasting money on something that comes naturally to what seems like everyone else. and i'm pissed. and hurt that i don't get any stupid grace.
i went to bed questioning paul if he really believes that we'll ever have our own baby because i don't believe anymore. he says he does.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
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3 comments:
I know the feeling. (((hugs)))
Right there with you, girl!
I truly believe Paul is right. You will have your own baby one day. God's trying to teach you something, we've just got to figure out what it is. You're NOT throwing your money away on acupuncture; it's all part of the process of getting your mind and body healed in order that you can be ready for another baby (another, as in, in addition to Sweet Pea and your two other precious girls, to whom you were an amazing mother). I also bristled, of course, when that looney Duggar family announced #19. But screw them. They obviously have so many issues . . . God created another human being and happened to place it in their family for a reason, but it's not because he has grace for them and not for you and me. I don't know why he's not giving you a baby right now, but it's certainly not that he likes that crazy family better than you or thinks you won't be an AMAZING mother. I think it has something to do with the fact that he wants to prepare you to be an even more wonderful mother than you already are, and that you need healing in some way, and that he has something really special planned for your future child--he's (or maybe she--but when I typed this I really felt "he") going to need a mom that's MORE THAN ready for him. You know I understand, sweetie, and I'm so sorry that the crappy Duggar family has to get on TV and advertise their sick use of the mom as a baby-making factory as if it is something to be jealous of. It's not. Love you, Cheri.
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