hopeish kinda

tonight i had acupuncture again and she sat and talked to me about how i'm feeling and i told her how i've been so depressed this last week and how everyone and their brother (ok-not literally) have announced pregnancies and she got determined. my last cycle was only 30 days. that's HUGE progress. aside from a fluke 18 day cycle i had when i first started acupuncture that's the closest i've ever in my life come to a 28 day cycle. brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. and i told her how insecure i've been getting with pms. like - literraly-i had more self confidence in the 6th grade than i do when i have pms. and she said "oh ya, that's just pms." i sat up and said "does every woman go through that every month? because it's happened to me twice in a row now!" and she giggled and said "yes." then thought about it and said "so you've NEVER had that before?" and i said "oh no, seriously, the last time i was this emotional was when i was in college." and she said my cycles should have peaked at 21 or 22 and then stayed normal or fertile. but when i was in college my life was such a rocky roller coaster of a mess it's hard telling now, looking back, if it was just during weeks that would have been pms or if that was just my life then. i honestly think that was just my life then but even with the benefit of a doubt that would mean my last real cycle was 12 years ago. not good odds when you're trying to make a baby. she thinks i've not been ovulating but when i test i get positive ovulation tests if i take them long enough. sometimes it's on day 17 (it's supposed to be more like day 14) but still i ovulate.
i'm rambling now.
all this to say i feel hopeful again. and i don't think molly even realized how little hope i had and how much hope i needed but i think i've found my mojo again and can make it through another month.