Cheri's

This is the woman I'm named after. I'm on the left, she's on the right. I have always been so flattered to be named after her because she's also the most fun person in the world. I don't even have to meet everyone else to know. She's a TON of fun-all the time! Even when she's going through hell in life she's still the most fun person on the planet. And to top it off she's gorgeous. She can wear anything and she's still gorgeous. This week she was in town for a conference so yesterday I got to go down and see her and she got to meet Sweet Pea and my husband. She'd met my husband before but it was our wedding and you know how weddings go. They are a whirlwind of a day then you are left standing alone with your new spouse realizing it's forever and you're no longer bridezilla and have no one to boss around. Anyway-that was the day that Cheri #1 met Paul. So it was a total blast to get to spend hours with her all to ourselves.

hopeish kinda

tonight i had acupuncture again and she sat and talked to me about how i'm feeling and i told her how i've been so depressed this last week and how everyone and their brother (ok-not literally) have announced pregnancies and she got determined. my last cycle was only 30 days. that's HUGE progress. aside from a fluke 18 day cycle i had when i first started acupuncture that's the closest i've ever in my life come to a 28 day cycle. brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. and i told her how insecure i've been getting with pms. like - literraly-i had more self confidence in the 6th grade than i do when i have pms. and she said "oh ya, that's just pms." i sat up and said "does every woman go through that every month? because it's happened to me twice in a row now!" and she giggled and said "yes." then thought about it and said "so you've NEVER had that before?" and i said "oh no, seriously, the last time i was this emotional was when i was in college." and she said my cycles should have peaked at 21 or 22 and then stayed normal or fertile. but when i was in college my life was such a rocky roller coaster of a mess it's hard telling now, looking back, if it was just during weeks that would have been pms or if that was just my life then. i honestly think that was just my life then but even with the benefit of a doubt that would mean my last real cycle was 12 years ago. not good odds when you're trying to make a baby. she thinks i've not been ovulating but when i test i get positive ovulation tests if i take them long enough. sometimes it's on day 17 (it's supposed to be more like day 14) but still i ovulate.
i'm rambling now.
all this to say i feel hopeful again. and i don't think molly even realized how little hope i had and how much hope i needed but i think i've found my mojo again and can make it through another month.

she SLAYS us

this week sweet pea did some super SuPeR cute things. monday i took her with me to the post office because i love to spend every waking moment i can with her. i had to get some stamps for a wedding shower i'm throwing for my sister-in-law. we snuck in the post office door JUST before they closed the doors so we had to wait in a looooong line. we were getting to the front of the line so i pulled my credit card out to make things speedier and sweet pea took it from my hands, leaned towards the post office clerks and held out the card. she has learned that when we are shopping, if can JUST hand over that card they let us leave. HA! she's so dang smart!

then tonight paul was listening to some new song on his iphone and she started bobbing back and forth in her high chair. we finished dinner and he was listening to another song and she started swaying back and forth and spinning in circles. she was dancing. UGH! again SO CUTE!

I LOVE THIS BABY! dear god can we keep her, can we keep her, can we keep her, please?!

good report

today we had a check up at the doctor and sweet pea is moving right along. she's gained 3 ounces since our last weigh in which makes a grand total of 1 pound and 7 ounces since she came home. as far as development the doctor was really impressed with how bright sweet pea seems to be now. she was listening to sweet pea's chest with the stethoscope and moving it over an inch and listening all around and sweet pea took it with her fingers and moved it over and around some more. she's just so smart. so much going on in that little head of hers.
she asked about her words and i told her i have a book of animals that i read her and sometimes i read the name of the animal and other times I'll make the animal noise, and the other day she pointed to the doggie and said "woof, woof". the doctor said that she's right on target for words now.

ok. this still sucks.

i'm not sure if facebook is such a great idea or not. it seems every time i'm on there someone new is counting down the days until they deliver their baby. or counting up the days since they found out they were pregnant. or announcing that they're on their way into the delivery room. or giving the weight, length, gender, name and time their baby arrived. i get it. it's a social network. but does it have to make me feel so friggin left behind? maybe i need to get off of there. i cry every day now. i just wonder what it's like to get a baby and know you won't have to give it back. i put sweet pea to bed and cry because i don't know how many more of these nights i'll get. or how i'll ever get through one with out her. and i pick her up from day care before i run my errands so i can spend more minutes with her. this sucks. it's like getting to have a baby and knowing they are going to die before all of your dreams for them come true. maybe i'm not cut out for this fostering thing anymore. and maybe i'm not cut out for facebook anymore either.

it's the thought that counts

about a month ago we got a bike buggy so we could take sweet pea on bike rides with us. but i wanted to get one big enough so we could put tatum in there with her and go to the park or go places and not have to worry about tatum or feel guilty that we left her behind. this weekend we finally got the chance to use it. so, we buckled sweet pea in, then told tatum to "hop on up" (that's what we tell her to get her in the car) and she hopped on up. we snapped everything shut and off we went. until we rounded the corner where we normally take tatum to throw the ball. pretty soon i felt some ruckus going on back there, then i heard some squeaking coming from sweet pea and paul said "oop-there she goes!" tatum had squeazed herself between the layers of mesh up to the front of the buggy where sweet pea was buckled in. by the time i got the bike pulled over tatum was ON sweet pea. i'm trying to figure out how to explain what i mean by "on". paul says "full body maul?" "butt in her face?" it was sort of like tatum's tummy was on sweet pea's forehead. does that explain it? so we played a little ball and put tatum back inside while the three of us took a nice looooong bike ride. i loved it!

NEVER say this:

tonight i walked into daycare and another woman was holding my baby. i have no idea who she is. all i know is sweet pea is kicking her feet and giggling and squealing because she can see me walking in the door. i smiled and took her from the mystery woman and she goes "she did the same thing for me." and then gave this snide little chuckle like she's so adoring. ok-just in case you were THINKING about telling another mother that, DON'T. that leaves me reeling with questions. does that mean she's not bonded to me? does that mean she'd bond like this with anyone? so for instance, if she went back home she wouldn't miss me and would have no trouble bonding to just any joe schmoe? and i don't know that i even BELIEVE this woman because another mother in the foyer said "oh did you see the way that baby got so excited that her mother was here? i've never SEEN such a beautiful baby." so that tells me that she did NOT react that way twice, she only did that ONCE and that was when I walked in the door. AND ANOTHER THING-you just don't know what the situation IS to begin with to say that to someone. i just took sweet pea and didn't say a word to her and gathered her things and left. and the daycare worker who HAD sweet pea in the foyer to begin with, followed me around talking to me about everything under the sun and frankly, i'm pissed today. i just want to get my baby and go home. i am NOT in the mood to chit-chat. if i was in the mood to chit-chat i'd start it.

and while i'm griping about daycare-i really wish they would not feed her crackers at 5:30 when i'm coming at 5:45 to take her home for dinner. we're fighting the uphill battle of her being under-weight. the last thing i need her full of 15 minutes before dinner is empty carbs. i can't tell you how many times they've smiled and said "she ate 4 crackers from me!" she's not a monkey. she'll eat 4 crackers from anyone at 5:30. DON'T FEED HER! so i said "if i send her with some fruit labeled "snack" could you please feed her that instead of crackers right before i come pick her up." tomorrow when i'm not so pissy i will say it again and not in the suggestive tone i did today. it will be in the following demanding tone: "we're really working on getting weight on her and if she is fed crackers at 5:30 she won't eat dinner at 5:45. i have brought fruit for her to snack on at 5:30 when she starts to get hungry. please do not feed her crackers." UGH!

**Edited to Add: and when the washing machine breaks on Sunday and they say on Monday they'll call you on Wednesday and be out on Thursday the last thing you want to have to do, on an already-grumpy night, is track down their lazy butts to find out why they didn't call you on Wednesday, like they said they would, and you have to find out if they are really coming on Thursday, like they said they would, because you have standing water in the bottom of your 1-year-old washing machine, turning MUSTY. AURGH!

**Edited again to Add: and then the baby throws up on you everything she's been fed since the crackers at 5:30 at daycare, right through to the bottle you just gave her 3 minutes ago. So there goes every calorie we put in her tonight. SUPER AURGH!

warning: this is a pissy attitude post

ok. i'm having a bad day. actually i'm having a bad two days in a row. the duggars have announced #19 is coming. and she said on their show last night "by god's grace i will carry this baby and by god's grace i will give birth to it." and i just thought-where's my stupid grace? where's my baby? where's my giving birth? what did i ever do to not deserve some grace? it just makes me mad. and we paid the bills last night and again have no money to put into savings and i feel like i'm throwing money away to acupuncture. i'm still not pregnant, i'm just more money in the hole. paul says not to worry about it and it's not that i worry about it. it's that i'm tired of wasting money on something that comes naturally to what seems like everyone else. and i'm pissed. and hurt that i don't get any stupid grace.
i went to bed questioning paul if he really believes that we'll ever have our own baby because i don't believe anymore. he says he does.

backatchya

this morning i had to take tiny tot, aka sweet pea, to get her hearing tested. not because they thought she couldn't hear but because last week she refused to sit still for the first technician so we got a referral to the big office to try again. anyway-it was in an old school here in longmont that has been turned into an office building but that just happened this summer so there's tons of people moving stuff around and configuring classrooms into offices and on and on it goes. that left the "waiting room" for the hearing tests out in the hallway that stretches the length of the building. you-know-who got restless so after i filled out her paperwork we walked the hall since we could see the hearing test office all the way to the end of the building. we got far enough for my comfort so instead of picking her up and turning her around i thought i'd leave her on her feet to get some exercise and said "ok, i'm turning around....here i go back the other way." finally i thought i'd pull out the big guns. she hates to seperate from me, i'll use that to my advantage. "ok-bye-bye! mommy's going this way." with that she half turned and looked at me, smiled, gave me a big wave good-bye and turned and went on her way. HAAA!!! little booger. i literally cackle laughed alone in the hallway.

ROAR!

tonight i called the cops on our neighbors. i've never done that before in my life. well, actually once i did on that neighbor in denver who had video gaming parties at 2:00am. i called the cops on him. tonight we got together with some neighbors and grilled out. afterwords we took our pooches to the open space to play. it's so cute to see them. then on the way back another neighbor's dog came barreling out at us. first he went after tatum to which tatum turned to all fangs. then he went after chuckie who is a chijuajua. he's built more like a polish sausage-but he's a chijuajua by breed. THEN he went after sweet pea's feet. THAT'S when i screamed bloody murder so loud and long that i had to take two breaths. i came right back inside and checked for tears in her pajamas. she was so scared she was crying-she'd never heard me scream like that before, especially not right in her ear. i settled down and gave her a bottle and put her to bed and thought "that's it, i'm calling the HOA." then i thought-what are they gonna do? send her a letter? i had been pushed to far. this has happened with tucker before, but only with tatum, no babies. i don't do well when i'm pushed too far. much like what happened here. so i decided i was calling animal control but not like a weenie. i was going to do it right. i was first going to tell her that i was calling and the reason is-as a foster mom, my job is to protect my kids. and if sweet pea had gotten bit i would be in big trouble. i asked paul if i was being over the top. he said no. he ALWAYS brings me down to earth so when he said no i realized i had every right to be as pissed as i was. i put my sweater on and headed out. only to find tucker standing in the middle of the street between me and my neighbors house. i RAN back inside and called animal control. i explained everything right down to the part where i was going back out to tell her why i was going to call them. the cops showed up. took all my notes and went over there to talk to her. she felt really bad and actually already had him on craigs list. there's a link to his ad if you're interested in a crazy chocolate lab with a cute face.
so the cops came back over to me and asked if i wanted to press charges which of course i do not. but then told me she'd like to talk. !! to me? right now?? yes! she was on her porch waiting! so i went over there and she's in tears. i felt so bad. but not so bad that i regretted it. the cops told her to call the lab rescue or the humane society but she had to do something. they then told me that if she doesn't do something within a month to call them back. all in all it ended in me hugging the neighbor and telling her i didn't want to add anymore stress to her life but as a foster mom i HAVE to protect my kids and i don't want to lose my baby! how WEIRD was my night?!

big strides. ok, not BIG strides, but strides nonetheless

this week i took sweet pea for a weigh in. 15 pounds 11 ounces. YAY!!!! ok-so she's still not on the charts for gaining BUT she's gaining AND she's starting to walk AND she's teething. so when you add in those factors it makes my measley 8 ounce gain look like i'm raising godzilla. she's actually chubbing out of her 3-6 month pants. i'm so ecxited. i would LOVE if one week someone said "ooh look at that! a whole pound" or something ridiculous. or even if they didn't have to go back to their office to "check the charts." she's just so small that she doesn't fit any of them.

this week was a little bit rough for me. i got news about how things are going and it made me shake in my boots a little bit. i know she's not mine until the judge says so. and i know we are so so freaking far away from that that i can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. but i still read into every little move and over analyze every report that comes back to me. and i know the case workers can't tell me so much stuff because of privacy and they can't mislead me in any way and i understand and even appreciate that. but if i could just get my hands on a genie bottle or a crystal ball. *sigh* i got to acupuncture friday night and molly said "so how are you doing?" and i just broke down into a pool of sobs. it was right after the shaking in my boots phone call. i feel so ridiculous. i KNOW what to expect. i can tell people exactly what has to happen between here and then. but my heart just refuses to follow suit.

which brings me to another update. acupuncture is coming along fine. but the sugar part of the diet is getting hard. it's still not hard to avoid sugar, but it is getting hard to avoid things like white flour, and potatoes that turn into sugar once they hit my metabolism. that part is getting frustrating. it cuts out pizza crust, french frieds, mashed potatoes, bread, crackers, sweet breads and treats that every office has sitting around. it's just getting hard. and i'm not doing good avoiding dairy. DAIRY. i gave up dairy YEARS ago because it made me sick. but now knowing that someone else says that i can't have it has me feeling like i need yogurt or american cheese. all these great little treats we have laying around to fatten up a certain sweet pea. (see above if you've already forgotten our fattening up mission.) i don't know. i hate to bitch and moan through this whole post of a pity party. and there's all these pregnancy announcements around me and i think "how'd SHE get pregnant?" i have to remember my problems are not everyone else's problems. and my journey is not hers. and i have to keep trying the path i've chosen because i don't know what else to do but give up. oh forget it. i guess i'm going to bitch and moan through this entire post. whoa is me. go on, give it to me. let me have all your pity.

Yellowstone

Everyone's been telling me that I should save Yellowstone for last because it's so beautiful. Well it is beautiful, but even if I went every year for 10 years I could still not see everything there is to see there. It was really beautiful. The first day we hit old faithful and some geisers because i didn't want to get to the last day and not have seen it. we met a geiser groupie and she told us all about this particular geiser. she went on and on and squealed in delight with every spout of steam then begged it not to leave her when it started to dwindle. passionate, yes. odd, very much yes. she was thrilled when i asked her if she was the groupie for that particular geiser and told me she sneaks into the park every chance she gets since she lives close by and times it so she can see it fill up, go off, and drain. she was full of some very helpful information.
then we saw old faithful, which really had me puzzled since it wasn't near as big as some of the other geisers but it was very reliable thus the name old faithful. not old big and faithful.
the next day we went to manmouth springs. paul had been telling me how gorgeous it was and no matter what we did we HAD to go see manmouth springs before we left. it was quite a drive. it's 30 miles between spots and we were staying about an hour away from manmouth springs. i told him it'd better be some spring for the drive because sweet pea was sick and tired of her car seat and it was only the 2nd day. we got up there to find out that it's different week to week, month to month, and year to year. i thought well, surely it's more beautiful from the bottom. let's go down there and hike up instead of hiking from top to bottom. well. um. it was one of those weeks apparently because it was pretty dry. as in bone dry. except for a couple trickles. we did get some cool shots nonetheless. it was kind of a let down to Paul and i laughed and said "is this your central city?" when my parents came out to colorado my dad kept RAVING to my mom about how wonderful central city was. the last time he was there was in the 60's and it has since become a gambling town. it's great for those who vacation in vegas. it's not for anyone else. it was a major let down to my dad when he went as an adult. paul suddenly felt his pain.

in sweet pea news-she did very good. she's a very good traveler. she did get bored saturday on our way between yellowstone and casper. i caught this shot of her, which i can share, when she got ahold of the paper towel roll.

she loved camping and sleeping in the sleeping bag. i wrapped her up in her quilt, then shoved that down into the sleeping bag so she was a little burrito. here's another shot i can share. tatum got to come along at the last minute and she was very certain to stay close to sweet pea. the first night sweet pea slept in the pack and play and tatum slept right next to her. no blanket or sweater. she froze. but would not leave sweet peas side. after that i kept sweet pea a little closer so i could check on her easier during the night.
she did really good every night but one. one night she had some night terrors and screamed bloody murder. i picked her up-she was sleeping right next to me-and talked to her and paul talked to her and finally i turned on the light and realized her eyes were still closed. as soon as she woke up she did fine.
everywhere we went i would hear women cooing and talking baby talk and wonder "what language is that?" and i would glance over my shoulder to catch them talking to my backpack. sweet pea loved it. soaked up every bit of it. one time i heard "oh there's that cute baby again." it was so cute. no matter what nationality you are or what language you speak this baby melts your heart. she learned to smile for the camera this week-which people thought was adorable. and she learned to wave and have people wave back. that was especially a thrill for her. she has started saying "hi" when she waves now, but it comes out as "eye!" it's super cute. but then, everything she does is super cute. so all in all for our first family vacation i wouldn't change a thing. it was sooo sooo sooo much fun.

Holy Frijoles!

I was on my way home from the fabric store (no lie, that's how this story starts) when I passed a guy with one hand on his bike and one hand holding up a dead dog. I did a quick u-turn and asked if we could give him a ride. this happened while my mom was in town a couple weeks ago.) he took one look at us, one more look at the dog and said "ok." so we put his bike in the back of my honda civic-those things really can hold alot-and he got in the front seat. the whole time we were asking him "what happened?" "is he ok?" "did he get hit by a car?" and the guy kept saying "it's my nieghbor's dog. she got out and i chased her on my bike all the way here." then we realized two things. the dog was very much not dead. and the guy was bleeding. "oh no! what happened?" "well, she bit me, she's not normally a biter." i couldn't help but notice that the dog he was holding up had, um, i'll just say boy parts. but the guy kept saying "she" and calling the dog "cocoa". i didn't pressure him. i thought, shoot, the man is bleeding, he seems to really know this dog-maybe their neighborhood calls all dogs "she" sort of like all cats are "he"? so he directs me to his house and we pull up to the neighbors' house and they came out puzzled. his wife came up on her bike at the same time. he got out-still holding "cocoa" by the scruff and his wife said "well josh, that's not cocoa. cocoa's in the back yard!" to which he calmly responded "well then who is THIS?!" another neighbor carefully flipped the tag over trying to stay away from the fangs and read "frijole". yep, you guessed it, "cocoa" was a boy. and frijole is a much more fitting name since it means "beans". a little more manly, even for a chijuajua.