i should get a free pass

today was the worst day on record for this momma. asher had a fever yesterday so i couldn't check him into childcare at the rec center when i went to take karyssa to swim lessons. he woke up SUPER late anyway so i brought his cereal in a little snack cup and figured he could just sit on my lap. we got there 5 minutes early and like always i let her play around in the water a little bit. unlike always i was not RIGHT by her side. i told her to stay close to me by the fountains. i kept an eye on her the whole time. i looked down at asher's snack cup, i looked up and she was WAY across the pool. she was bobbing...i thought for a half a second she was ok but then i realized her bobs were getting slower and she was not getting her full head out of water and she was not getting any closer to the edge of the pool. i RAN around the pool towards her. as i got a third of the way there i heard the lifeguard blow her whistle. we got there at the same time but when she lifted karyssa out of the water she was limp. this is when i broke into sobs. i couldn't speak before i got there. i couldn't think fast enough to leave asher with one of the other mom's i sit and talk to twice a week. all i could think was GET TO HER! accidents happen in seconds in the water but with karyssa they happen in nano-seconds. i looked down at asher, or the edge of the pool or something and when i looked up karyssa was fine again. she was alert and breathing. no cpr. i cried and cried. i wanted to take her and just go home but then i don't want to foster a fear of water in her. at this point the head life guard was at the side of the pool to take asher from me while i got a towel for karyssa and the lifeguard carried her back to the edge of the pool. then we had to fill out a form in the lifeguard room and after we were done the head lifeguard asked karyssa if she was ready for swim lessons and took her by the hand out into the water with the other kids. it's such a good thing she did because i still wanted to scoop her up and carry her home and never let her go. the other moms comforted me and told me stories that each one of them had of their kids' near-drowning incident. i know i'm not alone. i know it's not because i wasn't paying attention. the only thing i could have done differently is not let her enter the water to begin with but then, isn't that why we're there at swim lessons??
i'm pretty sure, since i had to deal with infertility, the least god could do is give me a free pass until their 18th birthdays. or give me a pass that says i'll never have to bury my children. when you work so hard for them and have to fight so long isn't that the least he could do? although i'm fairly certain every parent, no matter how you got here, feels the same way. but god, if you're reading...which you may be but you're not a follower *hint*hint*, i'll take my free pass anyway you want to send it. preferably in writing. xo *sigh*