*sigh*
sometimes it still hits me. infertility. passing on my genes. having kids that "look" like me. knowing where they come from in the gene pool. and it makes me feel sorry for myself all over again. and then it makes me mad that i feel sorry for myself all over again. i used to be a part of this infertility support group on line. it was a huge help for me in getting over and past my miscarriage and through the struggle of getting pregnant. and then one day i was just over it. i was doing acupuncture. i was on my sugar diet. i was tracking my cycles. we were already fostering karyssa. so i just stopped checking in. but some of my infertility friends spilled over into my facebook friends. i'm so happy for the ones that i still keep in touch with. it's nice to see where their lives go. what kids enter their world and how, whether it's through ivf, iui, natural pregnancy, and even foster-adoption.
but for some reason when they are pregnant, again, i wonder...am i a quitter for not continuing to try? should i have continued to stab in the dark? would i feel any more sense of hope? or would i just feel continual failure and frustration month after month of not being pregnant? i'm so happy with my life right now. i have my girl. i have my boy. i can't imagine life with out them or them with anyone else. i know i'm the best mom in the world for my kids. but it still stings to see a pregnancy announcement, or a sonogram picture. i guess if i had a clear diagnosis that i have ____________ and that's why i'm not getting pregnant it would help. but my eggs are so good i could be an egg donor if i were 2 years younger. and no one, not the doctors, not my acupuncturist, not my fertility friends, not books, can tell me what it is that i have that prevents me from carrying on this simple task. it's just a weird feeling that for whatever reason i can NOT create life. this simple task. the only reason we were really put on earth. and i can't do it. what's wrong with me? why can't i do that? and when will this feeling stop biting me when i'm least prepared for it?
Friday, December 17, 2010
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3 comments:
Hey! Wrong! There is no way that we were not put on earth to procreate. I don't buy it for one minute. And you DO create life. Every. Single. Day. Could I have seen a sweeter, happier face peering through that window by my front door tonight? Nope. YOU (with a little help from Paul, I'm sure) have done that. You gave given life to a little shell of a girl who was just waiting out there for you. And don't get me started on the boy! He came right home to you.
You are their real mom.
You are totally entitled to feel however you want about infertility. But I don't want to hear that you can't create life because that's just not true.
Amen to Suzanne's comment!!!
I can totally understand how you feel! I feel the emptiness, the sense of failure and i have wallowed in self-pity often.
BUT
I am thankful for this post of yours because i want you to know (and in telling you, i will know) that just like you said just about ANYONE can get pregant and give birth to a baby, it happens all the time ~to 16 year olds, junkies and just about everyone else but us! But WE are the special ones. There are not many people who can go through what we have experienced; willingly, lovingly, wholeheartedly and with open hearts and minds.
God knows us and he has entrusted us with this very difficult and rewarding experience of adoption because it takes a very special couple to handle what it takes to adopt through the foster care system!
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