mother's day.....blech!

in the past i have hated mother's day. don't get me wrong, i don't hate my mother. i love my mother. she's funny and adventurous and she taught me the best there is to know about teasing. after all she was a little sister. it's just that in years past i'd been anticipating mother's day since the dreaded christmas season. being childless and having nothing but tumbleweeds in your belly makes the holidays the worst time to be alive! and for some reason we need a holiday every month! thanksgiving, christmas, new years, valentines, st. patty's day, easter, mother's day, memorial day, father's day, fourth of july, august is holiday free-other than going back to school, labor day, halloween...did i miss one? everyone else wrapping presents/making costumes/decorating eggs for or with their kids and getting gifts from their kids months and months of endless holidays surrounding kids in a vicious cycle. i hated it. so last year when we had both kids, but they weren't officially ours yet, we were afraid. i was afraid. i didn't even want to pretend the holiday existed. so, we didn't. paul took a harley ride with some friends and i stayed holed up in the house with the kids like hostages. we haven't been to church in years on mother's day. i HATE when churches hand out carnations at the door by well-meaning children from the church asking each woman "are you a mother?" i mean really...IS there a more painful question for a woman struggling through infertility? no. not. at. all!
so this year i was determined to jump in with both feet. not look back. no feeling sorry for myself. no pitty party. i want gifts from paul and the kids and to be treated like a princess all day long. not have to lift a finger or change diaper. it's gonna be MY DAY!
well, i've already been in tears three times. WHY? i don't get it. this is a happy year. it's finally my turn to celebrate mother's day. no pitty parties. NONE! *sigh*
stupid mother's day. i WILL learn to celebrate this day dammit!!

the ups, the downs, the weekend

my husband is training for his first marathon. i'm so excited for him and proud of him. he wanted to last year but with the addition of asher we just did not have the extra minutes in a weekend for him to do the runs. so sadly it got pushed off. well this year he vowed again that he was going to do it and i am determined not to push his goals off for another year. my husband is in shape all the time. even when he's at his fattest he's skinnier than most people. which means, if he's training for a marathon i can not let myself go, even for a minute. and i love eating chocolate. love it!
which leads me to this morning. i woke up before the kids-that never happens. i had energy-that never happens. i rolled over and said "mind if i go running?" i knew he wanted to go running today. he told me last night. and we have a double running stroller so we can go together-but let me tell you-it's one thing pushing a double running stroller, it's another doing it in high altitude, going uphill. (we live at the bottom of the hill no matter which direction you go.) he said he didn't mind. within 7 minutes i had brushed my teeth and was out the door with my running shoes on. i ran 4 1/2 miles in 45 minutes, got home, and fed the kids breakfast. paul was still getting ready to go running. he moves really slow on saturday mornings because "it's the weekend". and for me, the weekend is all about getting the stuff done i can't do during the week because i'm keeping up with the kids, wearing them out, getting them home for lunch, into bed for nap time, getting the house clean, laundry done, dinner made, grocery shopping. all of the things that go unnoticed literally every other minute of the week. he doesn't believe me that 30 minutes late on a lunch/nap schedule is a big deal. i assure you, it is! which led to more frustration. we got the kids down for naps and i hit the door to get my errands done.
and the neighborhood next door was having a garage sale. it's a really nice neighborhood. most houses go for $500,000 to $800,000. which means they've got nice stuff in those garage sales.
i scored these bad boys, all 4 for $50 (one sells for $40):

i'd show you how they look around the bar except we don't have the bar yet. give me a month or two.
and this bad boy for $5:

that will hide all of these secrets:

AND not pinch fingers. huge score. i love saving money, but best of all, i LOVE repurposing stuff and not buying things brand new and sending perfectly good stuff to the dump. LOVE it. my sister-in-law, jenn, is an amazing recycler. i seriously think she's eliminating the carbon footprint for at least 10 people all by herself. i wish i could be a smidgeon as good at it as she is.

and while i was getting those pictures off the camera i found these to tide you over for a while. asher eating a snack with all 5 of his teeth.

and karyssa taking a bubble bath. special treat around these parts because of asher's eczema. We're working on "smile" with out squinting her entire face.

strong and growing....and growing!!

both kids are having growth spurts. the best thing ever about growth spurts is that sweet pea gets these enormous cheeks you can see from the back. i mean-they are the CUTEST! the worst thing is that peanut is awake every 4 hours through the night. wakes up starving crying. ugh!
this weekend i bumped up his foods to the 3rd level...which means they are thicker than level 2 foods. i started giving him mashed up bananas. i moved up (in the same day) to cookies and crackers. i made his bottles even thicker with rice cereal. all of it was just a snack to his little tummy. every 4 hours regardless! paul slept on the couch last night. which i find a tiny bit hilarious. he's so tired and after peanut eats he continues to moan for about 30 minutes. then later when he wakes up with a tinge of hunger he begins to moan some more. for up to an hour when he finally builds up to a cry and will eat again.
the funniest part...his moans have now worked their way into my dreams and i don't even hear him anymore. i hear him when he cries...but when he moans, i don't even know it until all of a sudden he's crying and paul's elbowing me to go feed him. LOL! oh i find this so funny because paul's the one who needs sleep. since he works and i stay home we have this sort of silent agreement that i'll get up with the kids and let him sleep since i can take a nap the next day. but, it's sort of not working out since i now dream through the moans. i can say all this because paul never reads my blog. it might as well be my diary. he's sitting right next to me while i post and he's watching tv completely oblivious to the fact that i'm writing about him and laughing that i know i have a good night's sleep ahead of me with a moaner in the corner of our room. and he'll probably end up on the couch again.

Validation

sooooooo i have found that now that i'm not making a paycheck i need a LOT of validation. not in the "the house looks great" "dinner's delicious" "you're the best wife in the world" kind of way. but in a "oh my gosh-am i really a contributing member of society?" way. i never saw it coming. but this last week i was pissed at paul all week long and finally i sat down and thought about what, exactly, it was that he was not giving me and i realized....nothing. this is how our life just is, i just never had the time to notice it. i'm over it now. but it was an eye-opener. i've never looked at other stay-at-home mom's and wondered what their purpose in life was. or if they were doing their part to make the world turn. but apparently in some tiny corner of my mind i thought my working in title, escrow and real estate for the past 8 years is what has kept the economy ticking. ha! guess the world turns just fine with out me making a paycheck. shocker.

warning: this is a pissy attitude post

ok. i'm having a bad day. actually i'm having a bad two days in a row. the duggars have announced #19 is coming. and she said on their show last night "by god's grace i will carry this baby and by god's grace i will give birth to it." and i just thought-where's my stupid grace? where's my baby? where's my giving birth? what did i ever do to not deserve some grace? it just makes me mad. and we paid the bills last night and again have no money to put into savings and i feel like i'm throwing money away to acupuncture. i'm still not pregnant, i'm just more money in the hole. paul says not to worry about it and it's not that i worry about it. it's that i'm tired of wasting money on something that comes naturally to what seems like everyone else. and i'm pissed. and hurt that i don't get any stupid grace.
i went to bed questioning paul if he really believes that we'll ever have our own baby because i don't believe anymore. he says he does.

big strides. ok, not BIG strides, but strides nonetheless

this week i took sweet pea for a weigh in. 15 pounds 11 ounces. YAY!!!! ok-so she's still not on the charts for gaining BUT she's gaining AND she's starting to walk AND she's teething. so when you add in those factors it makes my measley 8 ounce gain look like i'm raising godzilla. she's actually chubbing out of her 3-6 month pants. i'm so ecxited. i would LOVE if one week someone said "ooh look at that! a whole pound" or something ridiculous. or even if they didn't have to go back to their office to "check the charts." she's just so small that she doesn't fit any of them.

this week was a little bit rough for me. i got news about how things are going and it made me shake in my boots a little bit. i know she's not mine until the judge says so. and i know we are so so freaking far away from that that i can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. but i still read into every little move and over analyze every report that comes back to me. and i know the case workers can't tell me so much stuff because of privacy and they can't mislead me in any way and i understand and even appreciate that. but if i could just get my hands on a genie bottle or a crystal ball. *sigh* i got to acupuncture friday night and molly said "so how are you doing?" and i just broke down into a pool of sobs. it was right after the shaking in my boots phone call. i feel so ridiculous. i KNOW what to expect. i can tell people exactly what has to happen between here and then. but my heart just refuses to follow suit.

which brings me to another update. acupuncture is coming along fine. but the sugar part of the diet is getting hard. it's still not hard to avoid sugar, but it is getting hard to avoid things like white flour, and potatoes that turn into sugar once they hit my metabolism. that part is getting frustrating. it cuts out pizza crust, french frieds, mashed potatoes, bread, crackers, sweet breads and treats that every office has sitting around. it's just getting hard. and i'm not doing good avoiding dairy. DAIRY. i gave up dairy YEARS ago because it made me sick. but now knowing that someone else says that i can't have it has me feeling like i need yogurt or american cheese. all these great little treats we have laying around to fatten up a certain sweet pea. (see above if you've already forgotten our fattening up mission.) i don't know. i hate to bitch and moan through this whole post of a pity party. and there's all these pregnancy announcements around me and i think "how'd SHE get pregnant?" i have to remember my problems are not everyone else's problems. and my journey is not hers. and i have to keep trying the path i've chosen because i don't know what else to do but give up. oh forget it. i guess i'm going to bitch and moan through this entire post. whoa is me. go on, give it to me. let me have all your pity.

healing

years ago i used to be known as the artistic one. missy was the smart one. dan was the tough one. brock was the funny one. so that left artistic for me. and i was always drawing and creating and wearing off the wall clothes because they had more color on them than my private school uniform. ugh! nothing like GREY polyester to scream "I have style!" well anyway, then i met and married paul and he was the artistic one. i haven't really done much with my painting because he can paint something and it looks like it's really sitting on the canvas. but lately i got inspired. maybe it's all the herbs the acupuncturist has me one. i'm making a set of paintings that i hope will follow my healing. the first one is a set of rotten putrid eggs. the next one is the same eggs with acupuncture needles and a band-aid. the third is a set of two healthy eggs sitting in a nest. and the fourth and final painting is a fluffy baby chick. here's the first two. they are a work in progress.


the first one is smaller, 2"x3", the next one is a touch bigger, 3"x4" and then the next one is 4"x5", then the baby chick goes back to the little canvas. don't know what i'll ever do with them. hang them in a little spot or something.

dang. ok. and garage saling

yesterday i went garage saling and found some super deals. this time i kept my eyes peeled for boy clothes. i'm collecting for ages 2-ish to 5-ish give or take. i found one lady selling everything for a quarter. i about bought her out. then i found another lady selling everything for 50 cents. i bought two pairs of pants-one khaki, one pair of jeans and 4 onsies (they were a quarter a piece.) all in all it was a good find day. got a couple pairs of jammies so that we are at least prepared for a couple nights and a few days before we'll have to hit the stores when new kiddos come and frankly, i'm thinking boys this time and definately younger. i'm really REALLY hoping to find a part time job. not 10-5:30. i'm talking 20 hours a week. our budget will be tight, we'll have to cut back on entertainment again but i need a rest. i need to stop and smell the roses...besides smelling roses is free anyway.
this morning we went out for donuts and then took toots to the dog park, let her run herself silly and came home to a message from molly. she has had a cold and wants to reschedule for tuesday, thursday or friday. tuesday will be great. i can't stand to wait another day. as it is i'm on day 3 of this accupuncture idea anyway. and it will give me another day to wait for my stupid period to surface. i'm now on day 43 of what for normal women is 28 days and for me is typically 36 days...and waiting. no positive test yet. but no period and no other signs so i'm not holding on to hope that it's a false negative. now i'm just holding out hope it's not early menopause. *sigh* pisser!

Paul's 32!!

Today is Paul's birthday. Happy Birthday Paul!!!! That's why I've had the "Happy Birthday" background I've been sporting all week. Isn't he the cutest little birthday boy you've ever seen?!
It's also Brock & Liz's anniversary! Happy 5 years Brock & Liz!

drink until your irish

that was my favorite t-shirt last night. we got home and had dinner and then felt like doing something. so we went over to our local brewery for a quick st. patty's day celebration. it was so fun. it's little places like that that make me love longmont. they had some irish guys singing at the top of their lungs. and then they had people who had been there drinking since 4:00 also singing at the top of their lungs. i'm pretty sure the 2nd set of people weren't paid. tatum went with us. she's irish-she should get to celebrate. but she had to wait in the car. sorry the picture is so grainy...it was taken from my cell phone.

Ok God...I GET it.

most of you know we've moved around a LOT in our marriage. at first i loved it. until i had to move away from florida the weekend my mom and dad moved in to florida. that was a hard move. i had so been looking forward to living close to her again and then paul got the job out here in boulder. but. as i look back at all of the moves and see the direction we are heading in now, full steam ahead-I might add, it all seems to make sense. like a puzzle coming together one peice at a time. although, i have to admit...i feel like i'm putting the puzzle together from the middle and stretching outward, although i have no idea where the edges are and how big this puzzle will end up. here's the pieces i've been putting together this last week.
when we first got married we moved to colorado because, hey, who doesn't love colorado? and paul was finishing his bachelor's degree out here. that led him to the job in DC. i thought-how fun! i've got friends there and we'll get to see erica peters (now mongelli) again! so we moved to DC. she invited us to go to a small group her friends had just started. even though we had yet to go to the church they were affiliated with we went to the small group. there we met a group of great friends and that time in our lives, although it was just tuesday nights, will never be replaced. that small group is where we met jason and liz. we then moved to florida because who doesn't like florida? ok-so i've found out some people have strong opinions of florida, i am not one of them...i loved everything about it. the heat. the humidity. the sand stuck to everything. we bought the cutest house on the planet and fixed it up. it even had a spare bedroom that we could put kids in! ok...yes...so the original plan was to fill the house with kids. we pictured the backyard with a swing set. the location was perfect distance to my mom's house. the cost of living was good enough that we could afford for me to stay home once paul got a job. and then paul never found steady work. so his search broadened to, basically anywhere. landing us back in colorado of all places. this time the job was in boulder. we looked at a map and said "we can either live in westminster, where we've been, or longmont where we've never been....let's try longmont." turns out jason and liz moved here too. they live approximately 2 miles away. in late summer we tried our first (and turns out only) attempt at IUI. not to be too graphic but when i was laying at the fertility clinic with my feet up in stirrups and the nurse, was attempting to impregnate me i said "gosh, i never thought my first child would be concieved by a woman named carolyn." it was at that moment i realized it just wasn't natural for me to get pregnant while paul was at work. needless to say, after our first failed IUI and the thought of going through more fertility treatments we started down the path of adoption, even had our application filled out for a chinese baby. we became more open about our fertility woes and Jason & Liz told us about the wait no more conference down in the springs. we decided to go because we were going to be down there that day anyway and this would give us a chance to find some good heart stirring questions to ask ourselves to make sure we were ready for adoption. what we didn't know was that it was about adopting colorado foster kids. as we walked through the booths and picked up information from the various departments and agencies that were there we found the table for our county. deciding that would be MUCH easier than commuting 2 hours to the springs we picked up a flyer and started thinking. and reading and thinking and reading and thinking. one meeting led to another and that brought us to where we are.
had we not moved to DC we wouldn't have met Jason & Liz.
had we not moved to Florida we wouldn't have been open to moving anywhere for a job.
had we not moved to Longmont we wouldn't have gotten back in touch with Jason and Liz.
had we not gotten back in touch with Jason & Liz we wouldn't have heard about the wait no more.
had we not been through 2 years of fertility woes we wouldn't be open to adoption.
and that leads us to where we are. twice in the last week people have asked me how i'm ever going to deal with sending the kids back home, if and when that happens. all i can say is, it's a god thing. three months ago this was the farthest thing from my radar. and now i'm not anxious, or worried, or scared about the day that we would have to send the kids back home. i would not have this attitude on my own.

busted a move

we did gooooood today. i got up and took tatum on a 3 mile run so she would get her extra energy out. ha! she was running circles around me on our way back home. she hadn't been running since june and i must say she's a MUCH better runner now that she's a doggie and not a puppy.
then we came down to the basement and moved stuff around. we are so freaking organized it rocks.
now we have a christmas corner, keepsakes stack, backpacking pile, a new garage (in the basement) and home decor corner. I have my very own sewing table which ROCKS because I've never had one. And we put up curtains to hide the boxes we are keeping under the stairs since we move so often. we have a new family room with the futon, rug and 2nd tv-that even plugs into cable-SCORE big time. and a new office corner. I'll have to get pictures up to explain but with out before pictures it's hard to appreciate. but it feels good. makes the bedroom feel more real. we pulled the kid desk and dresser up there, and now the crib is up against the wall instead of free floating amongst the office furniture. tonight we had dinner down here on the futon watching the tv in our new family room. it seriously feels like we added a whole new floor to the house. loving it!

AAAGGHHH!!!

I can't wait. 12 DAYS LEFT! That's why I put up this background. Our anniversary also happens to be Ground Hog's Day. Ugh! Can't wait can't wait can't wait! You'd think I'd never been out to dinner before.
I also went and got my eyebrows waxed tonight. It was a spur of the moment decision but MAN was it needed. I always feel so glamorous after I get my eyebrows waxed. I do it about once every 8 months. Pathetic I know, but it's expensive!!

18 days and counting

i only have 18 days to go until my favorite day of the year. it's our anniversary on 2/2/9. and not only that, but it will be our 7th anniversary because we got married on 2/2/2. cross your fingers, everyone says the 7th is the bad year. but we're hoping since our first year was on the trail and we spent enough quality time for 6 years we're hoping our 2nd year of marriage was equivalent to everyone else's 7th. but it's not just my favorite day of the year because it's our anniversary. it's also the ONE day of the year that no matter what we go out to eat somewhere really nice. our first anniversary we were broke. but we had gotten a dinner gift certificate for christmas, so we saved it and used it for our anniversary. we went to josephina's in larimer square. it was so fun. and it snowed that night. and we dressed up really nice to go. and they have lights strung across the street so it looks really festive. this year we are going out for fondue. one of my FAVORITE things to do. not sure if it will be la fondue in downtown denver, or the melting pot in louisville. can't decide. LOVE the ambiance at la fondue, but melting pot has a coupon for free desert. we'll see. but for now, i only have 18 days to go. i've been counting down since december.

honest truth

sorry for the lack of posts. i didn't want to see Tatum's picture move down the page. and...i didn't want to have to be painfully honest. but since that's what this is all about, here goes. and again, this post may disappear if i chicken out later.
last night was a melt down night. i have to confess i have tried with everything in me to put this whole baby business behind me but last night was too much. we watched the adam sandler movie "click" and it made me sad on 2 counts. 1-i'll never have kids to wish i had spent more time with when they are older. and 2-am i fast forwarding through my life waiting for the day i have kids? after those two realizations i bawled. and then we talked about it and decided we still, no matter how much we try not to, will want kids of our own. and i don't know how to change that.

skiddish

yesterday we exchanged paul's camera for the one he really wanted. it takes incredible pictures. this is one of them. i love the lighting. tatum is not so sure of it because the first time he took her picture, it blinked at her and beeped 10 times because he had forgotten to take it off of the timer setting. so now she's not so sure about this new camera. she usually sits right up and smiles.
in other news, we finally broke down and called the vet yesterday because ever since this incedent she hasn't been regular (i'll leave it at that), even though all she's had to eat is boiled chicken breast and white rice. he called me last night to tell us that she had "some kind of bacterial infection in her bowels that her body just can't get rid of." gee, i wonder what piece of raw chicken she got that from? she is now on a medication that she has to take twice a day for 10 days. little booger.

yellow, red, blue, green

if you are not an angelo you have no idea what that title means. let me explain it to you. when we were little my mom assigned all 4 of us kids colors so that we wouldn't fight over bowls, pencils, cups etc. missy=yellow, cheri=red, dan=blue, brock=green. so now that we are all grown we still subconsciously abide by our color assignments. for instance, my sister lives in a yellow house, my house was red, brock is going to be painting his house this summer...what color you ask? green. with out even realizing it we have all stuck to our color assignment. i'm blogging to you from my new computer. paul was a little disappointed because he tried to stick to the color scheme but he got me the green one. i wear green all the time because my eyes are green and i just love the way they pop out when i wear green. so guess what i got for christmas? a green computer (which i love even though it's not red) and a wii AND a wii fit! i think paul won the lotto and didn't tell me. poor paul, he gave me a budget and i stuck to it so he got a camera that was the wrong one, some harley stuff to shine his bike and a bandana that was the wrong one. his christmas sucked. mine was very good. ok-i'm going to go play with my wii.
and Tatum wishes you a very merry christmas too.

A Christmas Story

in the winter of 1975 when i was just a wee 6 month old baby, the story goes that my father was in ace hardware and found this nativity scene. my parents were dirt poor but it was a steal and they didn't have one so he brought it home. for years it sat on the mantle above the fireplace in our childhood home. a few years back my parents went through some of their extra decorations and i inherited the nativity scene since it was bought in the year of my birth. a couple years later i pulled it out, and displayed it proudly. it doesn't have quite all of the bible characters, but it has the important ones. mary, joseph, baby jesus and the pied piper. [record scratch] WhAt ThE hEcK iS tHe PiEd PiPeR dOiNg In ThE mAnGeR sCeNe?!?! this makes no sense. in all the years this thing was on the mantle not a single one of us 4 kids questions the pied piper behind jesus, who seems to be worshiping said piper.

in news that makes a little more sense, today tatum was inducted into the family christmas stocking tradition. when we were first married and paul was in school i had no money for stockings. i guess dirt poor runs in the family when it comes to early years of marriage. i did, however, have this great fabric left over from when i made our futon cover. the green one is paul's, the red one is mine, so tatum's is red since she's a girl too. she has different trim, and hers is a bit shorter. she loves it. ok, so she doesn't quite understand yet, but she will. here she is posing next to it in the sweater she got from uncle wesley for christmas this year.

stranger in my bed

after 6 1/2 years of marriage, almost to the day, and over 9 years of knowing my husband tonight i found something out about him. he is a BIG fan of family fued. he's not a football fan, not a baseball fan. don't get me wrong, he'll watch a good game along with the next guy, but he doesn't talk to the tv or get worked up during games or shows.

but tonight, at 7:30 mountain time, i saw a whole new side of him. he was yelling at the tv. not screaming at the top of his lungs, but yelling back at the tv "NO WAY!" and "oooo-good one, taking out the garbage." who IS this man?

i married the right guy

we are kind of keeping an eye out for a crate for tatum that we could take on flights so she can come with us on long trips. so yesterday paul spotted one on the classifieds for work. so he emailed the girl and decided we'd take it. well later he realized there was a chip in the bottom where the door latches. so he decided to send her another email last night explaining that we are looking for one that is airline approved. he came upstairs, wrote an email, read it, re-read it again, called me up and read it to me, read it one more time and finally after about a half an our of proofreading hit "send". i was sitting behind him and at the same moment he pushed the button i said "oh and also say..." to which he jumps about a mile high on the inside and hops and turns around and looks at me in sheer panic only to see i'm whisper-laughing. i didn't have anything to add....i just wanted to put him into a quick panic. it's so fun to do that. he gives me such good reactions.

it reminds me of the time we lived in the apartment in denver and we were going somewhere. he locked the door and i walked on down the hall, turned the corner and went through the door to the staircase. then i closed the door and blocked it with my foot. there was no window to see through the door but i could hear him on the other side turning the knob, pushing harder, finally he stopped trying and i couldn't contain my whisper-laughing any longer. so i opened the door to see him standing there dumbfounded looking at it like "how did she get through here??" 

but my favorite of all was more of a scare than a tease. this was in the same apartment. i sent paul out with the garbage and then waited for him to come back in. there was a little hallway and then it opened up at the end to the family room where we kept a bookcase. i crouched down in front of the bookcase and waited, lurking in anticipation. i heard the door close and lock, then 4 steps and "RoOoAaARRR!!" full on with my hands in the cat claw shape above my head. at first i thought he was going to karate kick me but then i saw everything just freeze up in fear. it was the best scare ever in my life and i don't think i've tried scaring him since because the satisfaction of that one was so immense that any others will just be a let down. and he still hasn't forgiven me for that one.