the MAGIC of it all!

sorry i haven't posted lately. been dealing with some heavy birth family stuff and was waiting for the silver lining to appear. maybe i'll post later.

BUT today is christmas and that means SANTA....and jesus. it's true. we're christians and that's the #1 reason but when you've waited and waited to have little people to celebrate with it's SO exciting to smother them in gifts. all season long when karyssa would ask for something i would tell her we'd have to tell santa. and when it was finally time to go see santa to tell him her greatest desire was a cinderella castle she said "i'm gonna ask santa for TWO cinderella castle's!!!" i quickly nipped that in the bud and said "we don't want santa to think we're being greedy, so we need to just ask him for one." last night we gave them their pajamas and when she opened her hello kitty pajamas i said "how did santa know? you told him you wanted a cinderella castle but you never said anything about hello kitty!?!" and she said with christmas magic oozing from every pore "he just KNOWS these things." oh my gawd she is so funny!! tonight at dinner she said "let's go to bed again so santa will come again!" again...nipped it in the bud and told her she was going to have to wait 365 days for him to come again.

asher got a paint pad from uncle brock and aunt liz and today when karyssa went to touch it he started screaming "MINE! MINE! MINE!" he also ran laps around the house with his new wheel-barrel full of stocking stuffer toys. after dinner he took off his pajamas and said "potty!" and ran into the bathroom and went a full potty on the potty and then ran out of the bathroom to tell grandma and grandpa who were on the phone. he was SO proud of himself he leaned into the speaker phone and shouted "POTTY!" ugh! i love that little boy and his achievements. he then ran around the house like a naked banchee and i've got to say he really does have the cutest cheeks ever. i think it's the way the front of his thighs stick out so far you can see them from behind. and then get distracted by the sweet cheeks. mmmmm....have i mentioned how much i love these kids?

both kids got strider bikes and wow karyssa is good on it. she can already pull her feet up and glide. asher will sit on it and push himself along so i'm sure it's just a matter of time before he's cruising on it. good thing because i lay awake at night excited about them riding their strider bikes along the trails as i run along with them. UGH! can't wait to get running regularly again. ps-it's my turn to run a marathon next year and i can't WAIT!

aaaaaaaaanyhow...that's all i can remember for today. so glad to finally have little people to smother with christmas magic.

i should get a free pass

today was the worst day on record for this momma. asher had a fever yesterday so i couldn't check him into childcare at the rec center when i went to take karyssa to swim lessons. he woke up SUPER late anyway so i brought his cereal in a little snack cup and figured he could just sit on my lap. we got there 5 minutes early and like always i let her play around in the water a little bit. unlike always i was not RIGHT by her side. i told her to stay close to me by the fountains. i kept an eye on her the whole time. i looked down at asher's snack cup, i looked up and she was WAY across the pool. she was bobbing...i thought for a half a second she was ok but then i realized her bobs were getting slower and she was not getting her full head out of water and she was not getting any closer to the edge of the pool. i RAN around the pool towards her. as i got a third of the way there i heard the lifeguard blow her whistle. we got there at the same time but when she lifted karyssa out of the water she was limp. this is when i broke into sobs. i couldn't speak before i got there. i couldn't think fast enough to leave asher with one of the other mom's i sit and talk to twice a week. all i could think was GET TO HER! accidents happen in seconds in the water but with karyssa they happen in nano-seconds. i looked down at asher, or the edge of the pool or something and when i looked up karyssa was fine again. she was alert and breathing. no cpr. i cried and cried. i wanted to take her and just go home but then i don't want to foster a fear of water in her. at this point the head life guard was at the side of the pool to take asher from me while i got a towel for karyssa and the lifeguard carried her back to the edge of the pool. then we had to fill out a form in the lifeguard room and after we were done the head lifeguard asked karyssa if she was ready for swim lessons and took her by the hand out into the water with the other kids. it's such a good thing she did because i still wanted to scoop her up and carry her home and never let her go. the other moms comforted me and told me stories that each one of them had of their kids' near-drowning incident. i know i'm not alone. i know it's not because i wasn't paying attention. the only thing i could have done differently is not let her enter the water to begin with but then, isn't that why we're there at swim lessons??
i'm pretty sure, since i had to deal with infertility, the least god could do is give me a free pass until their 18th birthdays. or give me a pass that says i'll never have to bury my children. when you work so hard for them and have to fight so long isn't that the least he could do? although i'm fairly certain every parent, no matter how you got here, feels the same way. but god, if you're reading...which you may be but you're not a follower *hint*hint*, i'll take my free pass anyway you want to send it. preferably in writing. xo *sigh*

i wanted you more than you will ever know...

ugh. you're not gonna believe this.
my cousin has recently announced that she's pregnant for the 4th time and it's actually pretty exciting for me. she told me last year that her oldest son, who was moments from making his arrival at the alter at my wedding, told her "you're going to have a girl and you're going to name her cara, with a "c"." so i wasn't surprised to hear they were pregnant again this year.
and she had mentioned that she is already showing, but let's face it. it's her 4th. not THAT big of a surprise. but then yesterday they went to the doctor and the tech said "you're going to have two!" then my cousin said "and what's this spot down here?" uuuummmm....that would be the 3rd!!!
that means she is going to go from 3 kids to 6 kids. SIX KIDS! SIX! 1-2-3-4-5-6!!!!!!!!!
how in the heck is she pregnant with triplets? no drugs. not really trying trying. like charting trying. i guess when i think about "trying" it involves pee sticks and timing and charts and temperatures and doing it just right on the right day and holding your breath and your legs together for the next two weeks so to my knowledge they weren't "trying" and yet....triplets are on their way?! i'm happy for her but HOW is this humanly possible for this to just hApPeN????
*sigh* stupid ovaries. or eggs. or cysts. or gene mutation. or whatever it is exactly that keeps me from conceiving. not that we're "trying" anymore...i'm still way too tired for all that business!

congrats merry & sammy!! i don't say that lightly. love you guys!

and as i waited for the picture on this post to load i heard a *clunk* come from above me. the room karyssa is supposed to be sleeping in. i ran up there to see what mischief she had found and she's laying in bed. huffing and puffing. no sign of mischief other than a drawer pulled out and all the contents crumpled around. so i kissed her good night and went to pull away and she hugged me so tight. we do this thing where i don't pull away and i let her hug me as long as she wants or needs to. then after she had been hugging me for so long i was crying and wondering if someone was going to come looking for me i whispered my favorite line from my favorite children's book: "i wanted you more than you will ever know." she poked at my tears for a while then rolled over to milk the love for all it was worth by lifting her jammies for a back scratch. *snicker* i love that little girl more than she will ever know, no matter how she came to become my daughter.

mother's day.....blech!

in the past i have hated mother's day. don't get me wrong, i don't hate my mother. i love my mother. she's funny and adventurous and she taught me the best there is to know about teasing. after all she was a little sister. it's just that in years past i'd been anticipating mother's day since the dreaded christmas season. being childless and having nothing but tumbleweeds in your belly makes the holidays the worst time to be alive! and for some reason we need a holiday every month! thanksgiving, christmas, new years, valentines, st. patty's day, easter, mother's day, memorial day, father's day, fourth of july, august is holiday free-other than going back to school, labor day, halloween...did i miss one? everyone else wrapping presents/making costumes/decorating eggs for or with their kids and getting gifts from their kids months and months of endless holidays surrounding kids in a vicious cycle. i hated it. so last year when we had both kids, but they weren't officially ours yet, we were afraid. i was afraid. i didn't even want to pretend the holiday existed. so, we didn't. paul took a harley ride with some friends and i stayed holed up in the house with the kids like hostages. we haven't been to church in years on mother's day. i HATE when churches hand out carnations at the door by well-meaning children from the church asking each woman "are you a mother?" i mean really...IS there a more painful question for a woman struggling through infertility? no. not. at. all!
so this year i was determined to jump in with both feet. not look back. no feeling sorry for myself. no pitty party. i want gifts from paul and the kids and to be treated like a princess all day long. not have to lift a finger or change diaper. it's gonna be MY DAY!
well, i've already been in tears three times. WHY? i don't get it. this is a happy year. it's finally my turn to celebrate mother's day. no pitty parties. NONE! *sigh*
stupid mother's day. i WILL learn to celebrate this day dammit!!

mouring the loss of our gain

when we got karyssa she was 13 months. we had the older girls before her, 7 and 11 years old, so 13 months sounded so fresh and new. like we hadn't missed a thing. but every day asher gets closer to 13 months and i think about how much time it's been. how many milestones and developments and first times i think about how much we truly missed with karyssa. her baby cry. bonding with her as a newborn. her first solids. her first crawl. when filling out her development forms all the way along we just had to put "unknown" because mom doesn't remember. or as social services says it "she's not a good story teller....she doesn't know the history as it happened." she remembers that karyssa crawled. she knew that karyssa ate. but she doesn't know what she did when. when i tell asher "come here" or "no no!" or tell him that i love him and kiss him all over and see him giggle and squirm it makes me sad i couldn't do that with karyssa when she was 11 months old, as he is now. makes me sad that she didn't have any language skills at all, a sign that she was probably not spoken to. if i had her at birth i would have spoken to her. i would have loved on her. i would have taught her how to communicate and bond. it makes me so sad now for every DAY lost with her. every minute more i could have had. but i have to be thankful that we got her at 13 months and not 13 years. but it still makes me sad for every minute we were apart. she's my baby. mine through and through. we think alike. we act alike. we tease alike. she is ME in a smaller package. mine ALL mine!

i need to put on my big girl pants

*sigh*
sometimes it still hits me. infertility. passing on my genes. having kids that "look" like me. knowing where they come from in the gene pool. and it makes me feel sorry for myself all over again. and then it makes me mad that i feel sorry for myself all over again. i used to be a part of this infertility support group on line. it was a huge help for me in getting over and past my miscarriage and through the struggle of getting pregnant. and then one day i was just over it. i was doing acupuncture. i was on my sugar diet. i was tracking my cycles. we were already fostering karyssa. so i just stopped checking in. but some of my infertility friends spilled over into my facebook friends. i'm so happy for the ones that i still keep in touch with. it's nice to see where their lives go. what kids enter their world and how, whether it's through ivf, iui, natural pregnancy, and even foster-adoption.
but for some reason when they are pregnant, again, i wonder...am i a quitter for not continuing to try? should i have continued to stab in the dark? would i feel any more sense of hope? or would i just feel continual failure and frustration month after month of not being pregnant? i'm so happy with my life right now. i have my girl. i have my boy. i can't imagine life with out them or them with anyone else. i know i'm the best mom in the world for my kids. but it still stings to see a pregnancy announcement, or a sonogram picture. i guess if i had a clear diagnosis that i have ____________ and that's why i'm not getting pregnant it would help. but my eggs are so good i could be an egg donor if i were 2 years younger. and no one, not the doctors, not my acupuncturist, not my fertility friends, not books, can tell me what it is that i have that prevents me from carrying on this simple task. it's just a weird feeling that for whatever reason i can NOT create life. this simple task. the only reason we were really put on earth. and i can't do it. what's wrong with me? why can't i do that? and when will this feeling stop biting me when i'm least prepared for it?

is this what it feels like? because it's amazing!

i just checked the mail. these days all kinds of fun stuff comes in the mail. today i got the kids' new medical cards from the state with not only their new last names but their middle initials changed. since peanut is going to go by his middle name it's really exciting to see his. and since we got to give both kids their middle names it feels more real. this is the one section of their name that i got to have a say in. our last name came with paul. but their middle names-those we got to pick ourselves! this is so exciting since i've never gotten to name anything besides our dog! :D can't WAIT for adoption day!! it's all starting to feel so official. i've had a hard time, honestly, calling peanut by his middle name because it just wasn't feeling real yet. but it's starting to.

this is exactly how i feel

a friend of mine sent me this article about why a couple chose to adopt instead of trying again. this is exactly how i felt about it. and remember that my experience with pregnancy ends 100% in miscarriage. but now it's ok because i've arrived.

on a more serious note....

sorry to all my bloggie friends for not updating more. i'll just be painfully honest in this post and those that get offended can get over it because it's my blog and it was meant to be my therapy.

i've gotten more pregnancy announcements than i can handle lately. i know. you're thinking "you've got two kids. get over it." shut up. you've clearly never dealt with infertility to the point of adoption so you can just shove it or open your mind to what i might be going through. even though "i've got two kids" doesn't mean i won't mourn the loss of the kids that have paul's genes. or never fearing the dreaded 18th birthday when birth families can come back into the picture. i don't know what to expect with our birth family so it's hard not to think as soon as the kids turn 18 they are moving back in with their birth families never to be heard from again. it's totally their choice. and it's a hard fact to face day after day knowing that if they chose that we're left, once again, childless. not that i know anyone who was adopted that did that...it's just my imagination going wild.

that being said, we are beyond humbled that we get to adopt these children and raise them as our own. they are more like us than their birth families sometimes. we got to meet with our birth dad last week. he told us he's not such a fan of camping. which made me giggle a little bit inside because normally people that like to camp have kids that hate to camp and then their grandkids love to camp. it seems the love of camping skips a generation. so i'm thrilled to know our birth dad doesn't like it. because let me tell you, his kids do. when i pull out the camping gear sweet pea SQUEALS with delight. this last weekend we went camping with our extended family and both kids smiled the whole time.

so...i kinda glossed over that little part where we met with our birth dad. *sigh* it was the most intense hour of my life. i cried. he cried. i cried some more. he cried again. paul just sat real quiet. (that's his version of crying.) but we explained a little bit more about ourselves. i explained that we can't have kids of our own so his kids are it for us. and he said shockingly "why?!" and i just explained "they don't really know. a little of this...a little of that. not real sure." it was interesting to me that he can't imagine why anyone CAN'T get pregnant since it seems to happen when he breathes in the general direction of our birth mom. let's hope he stops breathing on her because we have a little house.

there are days where i have a REALLY good attitude about infertility. but there's days where it still kicks me when i'm down and i can barely pretend to be nice. i'm sure pregnant friends expect a huge congratulations, and i'm terribly sorry i don't have it in me. but i don't. so please don't expect it. also don't expect that i don't want to be friends anymore. that's not the case. but for the next 9 months i won't be looking at your stomach. for some reason i'm still really excited when the babies come and they are out. but i just can't rejoice at the pregnant part. maybe i know too many people with emotionally painful pregnancies that it's hard to rejoice when it's just a pregnancy and not a real live baby. i've known women to lose pregnancies in the 40th week. so to be excited before it's a real live baby is hard for me. i don't know.

this post is sort of a heart-barfing post. there's just so much to update you on and they are so intertwined it's hard to post about adoption without the infertility.

as far as our case goes...it seems like it's all happening so fast i can hardly post fast enough. it feels like all these months of visits and documenting and doctor appointments and court dates and all of a sudden there's no more. no more visits, no more court dates, no more documentation of behaviors. there are still evaluations and therapies but that's a drop in the bucket compared to all the other appointments we've been up against. and then the emotional *whew* of it all being over with. our hearts ache for our birth dad and at this point we will not get to keep contact with him and that's very hard for me and paul. we understand the kids need separation but it doesn't make it any easier for us to know they will have that separation.

i guess there's no good way to wrap up this post. it's so random. but there's what's on my heart. sorry if you're offended. well, honestly, no i'm not.

is it really bad that....

i like looking at pictures of people who have had kids to see how fat they've gotten? now mind you, i'm no super model. but sometimes it's the only way i can one-up infertility. just to think of how fat others get that DO have babies and how i'll never have to say "i just gained 60 pounds!" my arms aren't defined hardly at all anymore but they aren't THAT flabby. and my tummy isn't an hourglass shape by any means but it's not THAT tubby. really...am i so wrong that i secretly gloat at these things?

clueless and irritating

this is one of those posts where you're probably thinking "oh dear, was it me?" and it probably wasn't, i just get it so often it's hard to keep track of exactly which time it was that put me over the edge.
sometimes people say things to me, normally on facebook, and they have NO clue how it will effect me. how can they not know? because i don't even know until after they've said it. the strangest things will sting like a bee while other things that should hurt me to the core go right over my head like they asked me if i'd like a cup of coffee.
sometimes it depends on who said it. other times it will depend on when they said it. sometimes it doesn't bother me a bit at the time and then later i'm just so annoyed all i can do is roll my eyes like a junior high girl and click on the "hide" button. yes, i do that. then after i forgive them, i un"hide" them. it's how i cope.
i've recently been thinking about if we are truly ready to quit trying for our own since our house is currently at its limit, or if i really really really need to experience pregnancy just once. i KNOW you all mean well.....but....i'm not just saying that as an insurance to get pregnant because i "relaxed". yes, you are VERY well meaning in saying that. you also need to know that a) i might truly be ready to stop trying and b) it's been 3 years now. that's a mental benchmark for infertility and c) just because i stop trying does not mean i will automatically get pregnant because i relaxed. the statistics show, i've said it before, but i'll say it again, that the SAME NUMBER OF PEOPLE GET PREGNANT AFTER ADOPTION AS THOSE WHO CHOSE NOT TO ADOPT AND STILL GET PREGNANT. there are NO studies that prove that adoption OR giving up is a means to pregnancy. i REALLY appreciate the sentiment and i REALLY appreciate that you are grasping at straws to make me feel better. but you do NOT in any way, shape or form need to do that. sometimes i'm just telling you what's truly spinning through my head.
now, there's others that pop babies out left and right and with out thinking about it-because how COULD they know what almost 7 MILLION women they have NOTHING in common with struggle with?-they'll say the MOST insensitive thing like "well, i never know when i'll be popping out another." almost as if it's an inconvenience to them that they struggle with fertility instead of infertility. give me an effing break! (i'll keep it PG since my niece checks this blog. hi, adea!)
other times all it takes is one of those pregnant women to "like" one of my facebook statuses when i'm clearly referring to infertility and it feels like they are trying to come alongside me and say "i am here with you, i totally get it, that's exactly how i felt the 10 minutes i was waiting for my pregnancy test to turn up with the + sign i get minutes after trying to even GET pregnant." and i just want to strangle them with their stupidity.
*sigh*
for the most part, i'm over it. for the most part it doesn't bug me. but every now and again i just can't take it anymore and i think if i share with you the painful parts of my innards, then it's tit for tat for sharing some painful parts of your innards.
aaaaah. glad this is off my chest. sometimes i want to post some of the still-painful parts but i don't because i feel like i need to spare you, some of my loyal readers, or i'm afraid of who might read and get offended but if it's ok with you, i'd rather stay painfully honest. it is how this blog came about as my therapy anyway.

forgot about these

i would like to add to my reality post that i will also not feel jipped if i never get to experience cracked nipples and tearing. omg ladies, you know what i'm talking about. will. not. feel. jipped. on that at ALL!

reality

now that we have 2 kiddos in the house i am starting to question...do i really want to get pregnant or am i just being stubborn? do i really NEED children from my own womb? i think about my desires and wonder: are they selfish? are they dwindling? are they really still there or is it now just the dream that is there and eventually that too will fade? will it ever completely fade away or will the ghosts of the freckle faced children always be standing in the shadows of the corners? i think about all the positives and i think...gosh...do i really even want to keep trying to get pregnant? i won't be passing down my fair-easily-sunburnt skin. i won't be passing down my possible ADD, which, i might defend, comes in handy when multi-tasking is a necessity. my butt won't expand to never ever return to its before-kids state. my boobs won't ever have stretch marks. my stomach won't ever have that gooey bagel shaped pooch all birth-mom's complain about. but then there's the tiny things....will my kids be artistic like me and paul? i'll never have kids with paul's beautiful cheek bones. or his handsome dark skin. oh wait. yes, maybe i will have children with his beautiful dark skin. and maybe they won't have his beautiful cheek bones, but they'll still be beautiful.
god promised me a quiver full but he never said anything about where they would come from. and if i had one of my own, and it was the baby of the family, would sweet pea and peanut always say we favored that child because it was a biological child? or would they say we favored them because they were the baby? and then i think about my own family. on my mother's side i don't have any blood related cousins because so many people are adopted. and would i have felt differently if someone would have had a biological child? i have biological cousins on my dad's side, and i'm not as close to them as i am to my cousins on my mom's side. i've never felt jipped in any way. it's just always been how it was. in fact, me and the cousin i grew up playing with could walk into each other's houses and totally redecorate and it be EXACTLY how we would do it. we think the same. we pick the same things. we like the same stuff. we're both artistic. she is MUCH better with hair than i am since i seem to have only one hair cut-the mountain range bang cut. i don't know. all this to say-i'm not sure i still want to try. i don't know that i don't. i'm just saying-these are the thoughts that have been going through my head for the last month since peanut's been with us.
and then there's the question of how many is too many? i always thought 3 was the perfect number. but now that i have a perfect girl and a perfect boy....do i really want to upset this apple cart? what if i end up with a sibling that could be the that sibling in the mix? *sigh* i don't know. i have a basement full of baby clothes-both girl AND boy now-that i'm not willing to even think about parting with in hopes that someday i will have someone to wear them again. not someone from my belly....just...someone.
as i look around the dinner table at all the chubby and growing faces i have to wonder what is it, exactly, that i think i'm missing out on.

never gunna sleep tonight

i know everyone has told me to rest up and get ready and do all my last minute things i want to get done. but HOW!? me and paul sat here until 9:30 looking at our computers. not saying a word. just gazing into the digital glow like a vortex. we finally broke away from them and i cleaned up the house so i'm ready for morning. then i went and laid in bed for an hour. not even tossing and turning. just laying there. i've even had to start making myself lay in bed as long as sweet pea is sleeping so that i can get rest even if it's not sleep. but now tonight. now that we have a gender. we have a name. we have a BIRTHDAY. and we have custody. REALLY? i'm supposed to sleep tonight? really?! how in the world am i supposed to do that? so i'm blogging instead. and i'm looking in my baby books for all the last minute how to's that i didn't think i'd really have to get to. how to take care of an umbilical cord. how to change a boy diaper? i've heard about the pee stream problem boy babies have. how to know when black poop is ok and when black poop should turn green? these are all questions you don't have to have the answers for with an 11 year old or even a 13 month old. and all of this with the lingering thought of "don't get too excited before court." and THEN i'll still have to sit around and wait and WaIt and WAIT for the case worker to get out of court (and she has a lot of cases) and call me and tell me what happened! all while i'm at home bonding with this new little bundle that hopefully makes it home safely to our house in the morning. how in the WORLD am i supposed to sleep right now. can't i just stay awake thinking and nap tomorrow when he naps? can't i just work on sweets quilt? can't i just read my baby books? can't i just watch mind-numbing lifetime shows until the wee hours of the morning when my cell phone rings to tell me what time to go to the hospital. oh ya, but then there's those bathrooms i didn't get to over the weekend and i should probably vacuum the navy blue rug that looks like it has white speckles on it-that's really lint, dried oatmeal and crumbs. not to mention the dusting and the tile floors that really REALLY need swiffering. can you believe i'm scheduling in swiffering? it's so easy i could have it done already but instead i blog. it's my release into the world. and another good avoidance of bed.

WAITING!

earlier in the week i was told that the grandparents had until "the end of the week" to make a birth plan for peanut. today i was told some really fuzzy greying information. at first i thought there was some serious miscommunication. but as i talk to my friend jenn (fost-adopt-mom-extraordinaire) and i read between the lines i think they just can't tell me what is really happening. however, i was also told to prepare work for the possibility. i think that's good news, but the bad news is we still won't know ANYTHING for sure until peanut is here. it's ok. i'm not worried or paniced. i can wait.

tomorrow night we get recertified again. it will be good to go through this. tonight i sit here on the couch watching tv with a kitchen full of dishes, clothes-both dirty and clean-strewn about the entire first floor, medicines that i need to lock up, a book of rules and regulatioins to read and sign off on, and piles and piles of miscellaneous things i don't even know what they are.

on a good note from last night's post...tonight i updated my fertility software only to find out i'm a week earlier in my cycle than i thought. i thought i totally missed our chance this month but i didn't. not that it means anything but at least there's still a chance for one more week. and i started a new medicine last month and then didn't take it while i was in illinois and then started it again this week. holy. moly. the side effects for me are nausea (only until around 1pm or so), VERY frequent trips to the bathroom (like 5 by 1pm), and because i spent all morning munching on pretzels to settle my nauseasness i can't eat lunch until about 2:00. hmmm....not good for the diet. but only until 1pm. from 1pm to bedtime i'm great! jeesh! and again i ask why is this so easy for crackheads?!

beating a dead horse. and then beating it some more for good measure

today's one of those days. maybe i'm exhausted. or maybe reality is sinking in. or maybe i just need to accept defeat in the giving birth to a child department. yesterday was our 8th anniversary. we had a sitter lined up, 3rd time since Sweet Pea came home with us. every year for our anniversary we go out for a really REALLY nice dinner. last night was supposed to be fondue date night. i love fondue date night. we've only done it twice before and every time we feel like we have to be rolled out of the restaurant. but at 5:00 i got a call from daycare. "hi cheri? is nina. sweet pea has a fever of 101.6" "101!?" ".6" "ok. i'll be right there." i chatted paul. i called the sitter. i finished work and went to get her. she looked achy from across the room. i felt so bad for her. i brought her home and gave her dinner, she ate 2 bites and wanted to go to bed. i gave her tylenol and let her go to bed at 6pm. she didn't wake up this morning until 7:45am!!!!! almost 14 hours of straight sleep! but for some reason last night it sort of hit me. as handsome as paul is...his genes will never be carried down. my siblings all have kids and let me tell you we make beautiful babies. every single one of them. but we'll never know what our genes combined would make. it's just not gonna happen. today i took sweets to work with me because she has to be fever free for 24 hours. i know now why they don't have bring-your-toddler-to-work day. it was WORK. let me tell you. i was stressed by the time i got home tonight. not to mention i had to leave work early for acupuncture. so i came late, with a toddler and still left work early. i should be fired about 3 days ago but for whatever reason they haven't fired me yet. anyway. now i'm home. and all i can do is melt into the couch. i'm exhausted. and feel so defeated. why is it so easy for crackheads?

a route with a plan

well....i met with the RE today and i am border border border border line pcos. the good news is i qualify for a medication. the bad news is it's still not an answer, but it's something. tonight i start the meds on a very small dose. then if my digestive system can handle it and i'm not making more trips to the bathroom than breaths in the day i'll up to a full dose in a week or so. next step is to do the hsg test. or what i refer to as the blowing-out-my-pipes test. then next month, i'll start a new medicine that is a cousin to clomid. or so it was explained to me that way. the new medicine is actually used to treat breast cancer. NOTE: this does NOT mean i have breast cancer, they suspect i have breast cancer, or i am going to get breast cancer. it just so happens that by accident it also helps women with pcos ovulate and so earned the nick-name of clomid's cousin. why am i not taking clomid you ask? um...because clomid makes me a CrAzY woman! CRAZY! cry ALL month long. and talk about emotional roller coaster. CRA-ZY! i told my doctor this morning that i have that reaction and he said, "then let's do femara." since actually ovulating is the least of my worries, because i happen to be in the 10% of women with pcos to ovulate on my own, i figured i don't care if they give me a sugar pill...as long as there's a plan behind the sugar pill i'll take it. after a couple months of the meds and trying on our own...we do another round of IUI. however, because of peanut's news being soooo incredibly up in the air, i'm not prepared to bring him/her into the fold and then spend a crazy month of his/her appointments and my appointments. it's just too much. so we'll wait until things in the peanut department get a little more settled before doing an IUI month. ok....i think i have enough links for one post.

answers. i just want answers

you know how in every group of friends there's that friend...and if you're thinking "oh my group doesn't have a that friend", then i've got news for you...you ARE the that friend. well, somehow i've become the that friend in my circle. not my immediate friends. in my infertility friends. and if you're thinking "oh no! it's me!" it's probably not, in fact, you. there have just been so many lately and i'm beyond words excited for all of them/you. however. when we first started all this ttc (trying to conceive) business i thought, well the first one took us all of 1 try, there's nothing to it. then i got to know people. on line, or in real life. and heard their struggles and thought "dang, it sucks to be them. that'll never happen to me." then it became "gosh, i hope i'm not one of them." then it became peeing on sticks. talking to specialists. going to doctor after doctor. reading books. online postings. then finally acupuncture. and now, lastly, the realization that i have become that friend that for no other reason than the gods of fate, or god himself, hate me. i went to the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) this morning and found out some very good news. i don't have pcos. he doesn't think it's my thyroid. everything else seems to be right on target or at worst, middle of the road average. there's no ONE thing that can pinpoint WHY we haven't been able to get pregnant again. which doesn't help at all because now it just means by dumb luck, we are the 1 in 6 that can't get pregnant. and so i'm working today with tears in my eyes and hoping no one gets too close to notice that i am that friend.

what don't i get?

last night i went to bed a little sad. ok. alot sad. i don't know what i'm not getting. i don't know how so many women figure it out. am i temping wrong? am i not timing it right? is it really pcos? is it something else completely? what don't i get? how can i get it this wrong for this long? how can i not KNOW exactly what it is that keeps us from conceiving a real live take home baby? and i just feel really dumb on days like that. and yesterday, frankly, was one of them. i want to just be pregnant. with a baby that i get to name. and take home with me and not have court dates and case workers and 12 months waiting to find out if i get to "keep him/her". so i'm just sad. *sigh* sometimes i hate being honest with myself.

bless your little heart!

today i went shopping with my christmas bonus. i'm not being selfish-our boss gives us our bonus and then takes us shopping to be sure that we spend it all on ourselves. it's really hard for me to do. REALLY hard. but today i went shopping for some much needed jeans. the last time i bought jeans was when mom and dad took me and paul shopping when we were poorer than dirt and paul was in school. today we were at the buckle and i told the girl i thought i was a size 31. i tried them on and whoa nelly. i'm not a size 31 anymore. i looked like saggie sally for sure! so i tried on the next size down, then the next! i'm a size 29! then i said "do you have them in a 29 short?" and she said "no...we don't carry the short in the smaller sizes." !!!! i'm now considered one of the smaller sizes? by the buckle? i could understand if walmart or lane bryant considered me a smaller size...but the buckle? i was shocked! i said "well, bless YOUR heart for calling me a 'smaller size'" and she chuckled and said "well you're smaller than me." !!!!! shocked again. so i guess all this no sugar business does have some perks. and maybe buying some way over priced pants will be the lucky charm to ensure i won't fit into them long because soon i'll have a pregnant belly. *sigh* maybe.
on that note-tonight i was putting sweet pea to bed and i often pray over her and i pray for her education and her development and her future and her family and for judge mclean and for all of the case workers and G.A.L.'s and casas and attorneys assigned to our case. i pray for wisdom and softened hearts and for the new baby and that some how it will find its way to our house. and that we will get to love this baby for years to come into her future and all of a sudden i got this feeling of "it's done. it's already written that she will be yours." and then i got this tiny bit of reassurance that she's not the only one. so we'll see.