almost to normal and CELTIC IDEAS!!!!!

today we had another evaluation for the public school speech therapy. the first time we went i kinda got the feeling karyssa wouldn't qualify. i was so excited. but today it sounds like she actually will. *sigh* let me just clarify. i am all about early intervention and whatever will help to do it early so we don't have to do it so long. but it felt SO nice to have a "normal" stamp on our passport. time will tell...maybe she still won't qualify and to that i will say "WAAAAAAHOOO!!" even though it means we would continue paying for preschool ourselves. i will gadly play each month if it means we can be tagged "normal".

then i took her to preschool and asher and i had a date at the library. he has recently in the last couple weeks fallen head over heels in LOVE with books. i am loving it as it means he will finally sit still long enough for me to read to him. he would let me read to him in bed but sometimes i would start the first couple pages and then just turn out the lights and say goodnight. he was so squirmy he wouldn't listen. then as he got older he'd listen in bed, if he was tired, sucking on a passie, and moments from passing out. now he'll bring me books all day long. his favorite is goodnight gorilla. especially after my friend gina told me her daughter charlotte, who is a couple months older than asher, had figured out that there's a balloon on every page. the same balloon that gets farther and farther away as the story goes on. asher LOVES this aspect and he now sleeps with goodnight gorilla for every nap and bedtime. last night we couldn't find it so he slept with goodnight moon and woke up at 2am to let me know he was sleeping with goodnight moon and NOT goodnight gorilla. at 2am i don't much care. goodnight ASHER!!

anyway-long tangent to: i took him to the library for some alone time with me and after picking out a book he won't read anyway (as it's not goodnight gorilla) we went upstairs and i found this book in the quilting section.
*GASP* MORE celtic quilting?? where's celtic quilting?? i love celtic stuff. LOVE IT! after i finish my cousin lauren's quilt i have her brother tristan's quilt. and these are my ideas for that bad boy. it's a FUN quilt. black. LOTS of black. i can't wait. it's so manly and gorgeous and i love quilting this stuff so i'll be able to whiz through it. but first i'm doing a quilt for little ole me. can't wait though. his quilt has me quite motivated to keep working.

inside a white block with black thread. oh ya, i'm that bold. can't WAIT.


on a black border with the same black thread. oooo! like a hidden secret with tons of detail. i love surprises you have to search for.


and this along the border of the blocks and along the border of the quilt, somehow intertwined with itself all the way around...gotta figure that part out but i think i have an idea.


can't WAIT. after may, when lauren gets hers, i can post pictures of the finished product. my grandma has already told me lauren won't get to see it until after mudders sees her walk across the graduation stage. so i can't post pictures yet. ok...munchkins are into something. gotta run.

and cue hoarding. i refuse for this to be a "thing"!!

the last few days have been hectic around here. karyssa had more play therapy. i've been given a book to read and it's actually really helpful. it's called "beyond consequences". it's more for attachment issued kids, which we don't really have, buuuuuuut lately (since decembers birth family visits) we've been having a hard time throwing away wrappers. i watch hoarders with my jaw on my lap. so the thought that someday we could be going over to camera crews on karysssa's front lawn and dead cats buried under piles of newspaper clippings in the family room had me motivated. almost.
as she was leaving play therapy she wouldn't throw away the juice box her therapist had given her. the therapist looked at me and said "does she always have trouble throwing things away?" *sigh* "yes...treat wrappers, gum wrappers, that kind of thing." i had noticed it. i didn't want to face it yet. i didn't want it to be a "thing" we were going to have to deal with but it was out there now.
the book touched on hoarding so i tried it with karyssa. "i know you want to keep the wrapper because it reminds you of the treat, but just because you throw away the wrapper doesn't mean you have to throw away the treat...can mommy throw the wrapper away for you?" "ya." *whew*

today she started preschool. i sent her upstairs to pick out an outfit. later i went up to check on her and she came bolting out of her room, in a combination that made my eyes water, and said "i need a bow!" technically her outfit should have worked, flowers on bottom, butterflies on top but wow-totally different color schemes and styles. i didn't want her going to her first day looking like an elderly asian woman so i picked a couple plain patterned pants and she chose between them. thank goodness. i did good when it was time to leave. i lingered for a while but then i was starting to tear up. instead of sitting in the corner of the classroom clinching onto asher and sobbing silently i decided we'd better get while the going was good. i walked up and said quickly "see you in a few hours sweetie" and bolted quickly!! i cried all the way to the car. all the way out of the parking lot. and then took asher to the rec center for some one-on-one mommy and swimming time. i admit, i cried just a little bit in the pool. he LOVED it. although he's been itching ever since. poor guy and that dang eczema. afterwards i put him in childcare and worked out on my own. when i picked him up i said "you ready to go pick up karyssa?" and he shook his head no! HA! he LOVED karyssa being in school.

he's become SO opinionated. when karyssa poops on the potty she gets gum. well, asher thinks he deserves a piece just for being cute. i started it with chocolate chips so it's partially my fault that his cuteness reward has carried over when the ante got upped to gum. yesterday she pooped on the potty while he was still asleep. when he woke up and discovered she'd pooped with out him he stood under the gum cabinet crying until i clarified "so you think you deserve gum for karyssa pooping on the potty?" he stopped mid-sob and said "uh-huh." he got gum. tonight at dinner i cut his burger and he grabbed my fork and put his hand on his burger while letting out a blood curdling scream that i was actually CUTTING his burger. paul said "when did he get so opinionated?" i said "well, he is almost 2!" i guess it's time. this afternoon he cried off and on all afternoon. i finally put him in his room for quiet time. he played quietly up there until paul came home so i guess he just needed some time to himself. good thing we're gonna get a whole lotta momma time in the next few months.

what daddy really spends all of our money on.

today was karyssa's first play therapy session. the therapist said "so where's daddy?" karyssa said "at work." the therapist clarified "oooh...makin' the big bucks 'eh?...so...what does daddy do with all that money? what's he bring home with it? ice cream?" karyssa answered "beer!"

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* my first reaction was to cackle laugh (the laugh I hate that only comes out when i'm completely taken off guard and didn't have time to prepare my more reserved laugh.) i continued to giggle silently until i called paul from the lobby, still giggling. he was mortified! later i realized why she thinks that. mommy is the one that brings home the groceries. but i don't want to take the kids into a liquor store. i dunno...there's just something about a kid in a liquor store that sends all my foster-mommy-red-flags up. so when we get beer or wine i send paul to the liquor store...therefore, daddy is the one who brings home the beer!

yesterday paul had the day off so we decided to take the kids to tiny town so paul can get a lay of the land over there. paul got dressed in an outfit he'd wear to work, since his office is very casual, it's not out of place to wear it on a weekend. as we were coming downstairs asher said "it's saturday?" baffled that we didn't just hear that we both said "what?" and he said "daddy staying?" um...WHAT?!? he just started saying "hot" on thanksgiving...how does he know the days of the week? and when daddy should and shouldn't be staying home? complex little mind of his. these kids keep me guessing that's for sure.

karyssa-isms

lately karyssa has been full of funny things. now that her speech is getting clearer it's funny to get the thoughts out.

the other day her and asher were putting away a fishing game and i told them to find all the fish. asher then picked one up and held it up proudly and she said "good-eye ratcliffe*" and kept looking for more without skipping a beat. (*only our bloggy last name...not our real last name.)

the next day she sat up on top of paul first thing in the morning while we were still in bed and said "we have shiners!" i let paul figure it out because i couldn't make out the word. we both started looking around for the definition of a shiner when paul said "where?" and she said "on our bottoms. we have shiners." again...puzzled we look at each other and then i realized. the day before while going to the bathroom karyssa asked me "mommy, is that your penis?" (she had recently been corrected when telling asher that he had a peanut.) "no," i said, "mommy has a vagina. and you have a vagina, because we're girls. daddy and brother man have penises but we have vaginas...so tatum's a girl...what does she have?" looking at me puzzled i answered my own question, "tatum has a vagina too." so after proclaiming on top of paul that she had a "shiner" i quickly realized what conversation we were processing and filled paul in on the day before. karyssa then said to paul "so what does tatum have?" *sigh* oooooh she's so funny.

we play hide and seek a lot, mostly to work on counting to ten. lately we've mastered counting to ten so i've begun working on the alphabet with her. tonight when going over flash cards i got to "G" with a picture of a garden on it. "guh, guh gaaarden..." i said. "what does a garden begin with?" "a SHOVEL!" she proclaimed. yes...it does begin with a shovel. ask a silly question.....

man i love her.

damn you potty training and child psychology!!! *shaking fists in the air*

soooooo we've been having more pee accidents. not poop anymore because now she gets gum for keeping her pants clean and dry during naptime. but now we're back to pee accidents...when she's awake! and standing 3 feet from a toilet!!!

so today we talked about it AGAIN!
me: karyssa, are you worried about your birth family?
karyssa: i'm karyssa ratcliffe (not our real last name)
me: you are karyssa ratcliffe. are you thinking about daddy ******* or step-grandma, or abuelo?
karyssa: i want to see step-grandma

my head: DANG IT NOOOOOOOO!!!! I DON'T WANT TO!!!!! stomping feet like a 2 year old.

me (out loud): grandma ratcliffe? step-grandma? grandma mimi?
karyssa: step-grandma. i want her come to my birthday.
[backstory: yesterday i made cupcakes from the same recipe my sister-in-law made karyssa's birthday cake so her birthday is fresh on her mind even though it's a full 6 months away.]

my head: what the heck?? (not the word i want to use)

me (out loud): well if you want to see her you can just tell mommy. ok?


i chat all of this to paul and he says "ya, because she wants presents." WHEW! yes, i think that is accurate. in her mind her birthday equals presents and who brings her presents the last 2 times she saw her? step-grandma. so the plan is still on to have no contact until she's old enough to tell us what exactly she wants.


in asher news: yesterday paul wiped him down with a wipe and he screamed "HOT!" when the wipe touched his eczema thumb. i can't STAND his eczema. i have kept him off peanuts and taken him back off of all things egg (which is HARD, let me tell you, when you love to bake) so i'm hoping eventually his thumb will look like a normal thumb and not one that's been through a meat grinder. he's talking more and more, and mimicking karyssa more and more. it's so interesting to finally hear his thoughts. right now he is sitting in the bumbo chair, they both have their bike helmets on and they are throwing cars at each other. hot wheel cars, not real cars...they aren't hercules children. the other day he took his helmet to paul and said "ride bike!!" and so we did. man i love these munchkins.

easy as riding a bike. baaaaahahahahahhaaa!

we got the kids strider bikes for christmas. they rode them around the house christmas day and then we started venturing out. karyssa's getting pretty good. she'll lift her feet up as she glides down a hill. asher is finally walking easily while sitting on the seat now. he'll get the hang of it soon. tonight paul and i took both kids out and it's a good thing we both went. at one point i heard paul, from behind me, shout "HEY! NO!" and i realized it was one of those commands where he had to react faster than he could formulate a sentence. i turned behind me to see asher on the top of the railing of a bridge. *sigh* i was watching karyssa ahead of me. we went under a tunnel and were debating which way to take back home when both me and paul took our eyes off karyssa. she had gone up a hill just beyond the underpass we were standing under when we heard the "eeyayayayayayayayayaaa!" noises of karyssa coming DOWN the hill with her feet completely up. she had NO control but she was balancing!! i have no idea how she didn't land on her face but she made it. i've been giggling all night about the noise she made as she came down the hill. when she got to the bottom and flung herself off she got up, dusted herself off and cracked up laughing at herself along with asher. sometimes i still can't believe how fearless and brave she is.

in other how's-she-doing-with-the-birth-family-stuff news lately she's started asking me "you bought it?" or "you made it." at first i couldn't figure out where the questions were coming from but now i understand she's trying to figure out who gave her what. clothes, food, toys, you name it. if it's new she wants to know it's origins. *sigh*

two nights ago we let her play mommy of all of us. holy napolean syndrome, batman! it started with her putting daddy "to bed" on the futon in the family room. then she started tidying up the room. i'm not sure how she knew that's what i do when i put them down at naptime but it's exactly what i do. fine by me to have help tidying up! then it moved upstairs where she put daddy and brother man to bed in her bed. then i came upstairs and she put me to bed in asher's bed. i started calling for her, then as soon as she'd get to my room paul would call for her "MOMMY!!!" at the top of our lungs. then she walked into paul and asher's room and shouted "I SAID GO TO BED!!!!" and i said "oh my! is that how mommy talks to you?" i honestly wanted to know how i was being interpreted. but she said no so innocently. when it was time to stop and go to bed she threw a ROYAL fit. she was loving the power a little too much. tonight we let her play a teeny bit more of it but she got so violent we had to end it quick. i'm starting to wonder if i'm not the mommy she's imitating but i can't imagine she can remember that far back. i'm not sure if all the recent contact hasn't triggered some memories. time will tell and maybe i can find a way to ask her with out directing the conversation. oh my poor baby and how far she had to go to get to me. thank god we found each other.

continued backlash and more proof for liberating decisions

this morning i told karyssa we were going to mcdonald's to play with kaden, mason, noah and isabelle. and karyssa said "i don't want it." which means she didn't want to. i said "don't you like playing with isabelle?" and after prodding i said "does she touch you funny?" and she said yes and i asked where. she pointed to her head. *roll eyes* i said "does she say mean things?" and she said yes, i asked "and what does she say?" "sorry". ok...pretty sure at this point this entire charade is made up to avoid going to mcdonald's when it hit me...the last time we went there we met step-grandma and grandpa.

eventually she went anyway and we played and got lunch and came home. then i put the kids down for naptime aka quiet time because "we don't want it" for "naptime" either. she started sobbing. odd but not totally out of the ordinary. i left the room and came downstairs to tidy up and she was still sobbing. i went back up there and said "sweetie, what's wrong?" and she pointed to her sippy cup that she had thrown to the end of the bed. i got it for her and sat on the edge of the bed and said "i've been wanting to talk to you. did you not want to go to mcdonald's today because you were afraid step-grandma and grandpa would be there?" and she shook her head yes. i choked up and said "you know what....we're not going to see them again either. is that ok?" and she shook her head yes. "you don't ever have to see them again. and some day if you want to you just let me know. it might not be this year or until you're 18 or never...but if you ever want to see them again you let me know. ok? and if you never want to see them again that's ok too." and with that she calmed down and fell asleep.

in her mind they all had a chance to protect her and didn't. and she knows their only job was to protect her and they failed at that. i know meeting with birth dad gave her closure. i think she was starting to believe all of that was a bad dream from a past life or something and seeing him made her realize it was real. it WAS her life. it DID happen to her. and i think in her own way when she crawled up in his lap she was forgiving him in a sense, but she hasn't forgotten that he didn't do the one job he was given as a father. and even though she can forgive, she doesn't have to forget. and i don't want her to feel like that's a bad thing or that she's holding a grudge. she needs to learn to protect herself. and if forgiving but not forgetting helps her protect herself and speak up for herself in a way, than so be it. i couldn't be prouder of her for finally finding her voice. aaaaaand i'd be lying if i didn't say that it makes me glad to have more proof for our liberating decisions below.

liberating decisions!!!!

ok. so. i mentioned yesterday about us having birth family drama going on and i'm ready to share.

we have been trying to have an open adoption. we've been encouraged (polite word for: pushed) to do this and so we tried. this is the first time we've done this whole adoption thing so we figured we'd follow the professional advice.

well, i will tell you after a year of trying their advice sucks and it's not a one-size-fits-all answer.

i've gotten a couple emails from the kids step-grandma...yes...STEP-grandma and i ignored them. i was sort of hoping that they would forget and stop writing. teehee. bad plan. we finally met a couple weeks ago and i was amazed at how much they favored asher and didn't acknowledge karyssa. they asked ME questions ABOUT her but didn't ask HER any questions. red flag. and they didn't just ask "so...what is she into these days?" they asked "is she potty trained?" "can she talk yet?" WTF? you were sitting RIGHT HERE when she said "mommy, i've gotta go potty." 2 birds with 1 stone. seriously.

then the accidents started up again. no poop in the potty. it used to be food and now she has a new power.

ok...here's the clencher...and you're going to gasp but you can't judge me: we met with birth dad and let him see the kids again for the first time in 18 months. it was a. tear. JERKER! we met at a local restaurant and we got there first and when he walked in and sat down karyssa took one look and stopped dead in her tracks. i could see the wheels turning. there was practically smoke coming out of her ears from the gears in her head. then he put his hands down and she went to him. she remembered him right away but she couldn't figure out what he was doing there and what was going to happen next...was she coming home with us? would she have to go back with him? ugh. it killed me. he sobbed and sobbed right there in the restaurant. and she got really scared and looked at me and i said, with tears in my eyes "it's ok, honey." he cried for another minute and then said "thank you so much, you guys. this really means a lot to me." after that karyssa warmed up and sat on his lap until the food came! she opened her presents and he helped her put on some play earrings he had gotten her. at the end he picked up asher and looked him over. he couldn't believe how big he had gotten and that he was walking. it was a good visit. the man from the table next to us said "you have beautiful children" and while i sat their trying to figure out how this was going to play out both paul and daddy ******* said "thank you." i'm sure he thought i was a surrogate.

afterwards paul and i had some new unexpected feelings. i guess we'd never realized before that she'd bonded. with anyone. so in a way it was a relief that she HAD bonded and we can mark Reactive Attachment Disorder off our list of things to worry about in her future. but it also made us realize, before she was ours, she was someone else's. we hadn't considered that with either kid and it was actually easier to deal with with asher because he hadn't bonded with anyone else before. he was a day old when he came straight from the hospital. he didn't know birth dad. in his mind this man belonged to karyssa but he had nothing to do with him and who he was. i've realized a lot of things about that meeting. i've realized, with all my adopted family, i never thought about who their birth parents were, or what they looked like, or how they were doing with the fact that somewhere out there they had a baby that was adopted to another family. they were mine. my cousin. my aunt. my 2nd cousin...they were and always had been.

then this last week karyssa started having LOTS of accidents. PEE accidents! she hasn't had a pee accident in a LONG time. and she might as well just be in a diaper 100% of the time for naptime, which is typically finished off with a nice poop. (sorry-tmi) so finally i realized, every day since we had met with her birthdad she had had an accident. finally one morning she came to my bedside with fresh underwear and said "mine are wet." ok-i wanted to cry right then and there. i realized this decision to meet with birthdad, that we meant in the best interest possible for the kids, was the worst thing we ever could have done. i began to wonder how many weeks it was going to take us to get back to square one with potty training. i pulled her up on my bed and said "what did you think about seeing daddy *******?" i wanted it to be open ended so i didn't put feelings in her head. she just sat quiet. i said "did it make you happy, or sad, or anxious?" again no answer. i said "mommy and daddy wanted you to get to see him again because he misses you every day. but i think that was probably not a good decision. we won't go see him ever again. some day when you want to you just tell mommy and we can do that again. but for now, we won't see him again. and it's ok when you are ready to see him again. ok?" and with that she shook her head yes and has peed AND pooped in the potty 100% of the time. not a single accident for days now. and on christmas eve when we went out for breakfast she asked paul to draw a picture of her, then asher, then daddy, then mommy, then....daddy *******. she wants to know he's ok, but she doesn't need to see him to know that. the way the child mind works will always fascinate me.

so for all of you who said "trust your gut" or "they are with you for a reason" or "they are where they are meant to be" you were right. we did the best we could with the situation given to us and realize sometimes the "best interest of the children" cannot be predicted by a social worker who just finished a seminar on connections to the birth family. yes, they will wonder where they came from. yes, they will wonder whose toes they have or who their nose came from. and for those questions we have pictures. for the deeper stuff, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

but for now it just feels liberating to be able to make the decision with facts and proof and wet beds and poopy pants.

she makes me GIGGLE!!!!

on sunday the kids and i went to petsmart to get dog food and a couple toys for tatum for christmas. on the way in the door karyssa said she wanted to walk. this is her new thing. walking in the stores instead of sitting in the cart. so the deal is, if she stays with me she can walk. if i have to tell her not to touch or to keep up or keep with me, in the cart she goes. and i'm usually pretty good at just getting what we went in for. but. i do love fish. so when she got the idea that she'd like a fish i had a hard time saying no. we got the cheapest set up we could get. a simple bowl, and one fish. i let her pick it out. she picked a blue beta and i said "so why did you pick that one?" and she said "because he's blue!" good reason. we went to check out and i said "so what are you gonna name him?" "fishy raditastic" (for privacy reasons i don't post our real last name.) it was the first time i realized she knew her last name. i call her by it all the time. but i never realized she was recording that. i was so excited. i love hearing her say her last name because we gave that to her, like a stamp on her heritage. i love that!

tonight we had a sitter for a couple hours and when we came home paul went in and i took her home. then when i got back paul told me they had convinced her that they could sleep in the same room, in the same bed! he had gone up there and when he opened her door they sat up shoulder to shoulder in the bed. we ate dinner, opened mail, then i started making a pie for dinner with our casa tomorrow night and that's when we heard karyssa calling for me from upstairs. What the?? i went into her room and we got to giggling...pretty quickly...and i said "you sure schnookered paige into quite a few things tonight didn't you?" and she giggled and said "yep!"

oooooh she makes me LAUGH!!!

proof she "doesn't remember"

the other day i was talking to a therapy group on the phone and they asked me a little about karyssa's history. so i explained "she was 13 months when she came to us through foster care and before that she was highly neglected." she was watching a movie so i got up and walked to the other room so i wouldn't bother her. lately when i go through a drive-thru window or talk to someone on the phone she'll ask "what did you say to that lady?" a little while after the phone call she asked "why did you say that to that lady?" not "what" but "why". i said "do you mean why did i say you were neglected?...do you know what that word means?" and she said "when i was a baby." *tears* yes...exactly like when you were a baby! i didn't know what to say or how to approach it. we want to be honest but i don't want to paint a bad picture of her birth parents for her. if she comes to that conclusion on her own than so be it, truth be told, they deserve it. but i don't want to be the artist of that. so i said "they didn't know how to take good care of you, that's why you got to come and live with mommy and daddy. and i'll make sure you're never neglected again. i'll take very good care of you." not sure if that's a good or bad way to approach it but...i was a little surprised. i mean, she's 3. but now that she can talk all kinds of new information is coming out.

in cute news: asher's been trying to climb stairs like he's just walking up them instead of doing it one foot at a time on each step. it's so cute. and bonus: he finally slept through the night last night. the night before he got up at 4:15 and i went in there and put him back in bed and he screamed bloody murder and paul went in and told him to stop that and get back in bed. and with that we didn't hear another peep from him until after 7:00. little booger. not sure why he listens to daddy and not mommy. i love him. and the other day i was looking at a christmas card a friend had sent me. it had pictures of her 3 girls on the front and i was examining how much they'd changed since their card last year. he was sitting in his chair next to me and saying "i wanna see!" which sounds more like "ionasee!" except that he doesn't just say it once so it was more like "ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!" and when i finally caught on and turned the card so he could see the girls he stopped, examined, and said "aaaaawwweeee." it was SO cute! he is such a little character. last night after dinner we were decorating cookies for desert and i went to take pictures and said "say cheese!" and he said "cheese!' and i got my first on-cue picture of him-SMILING! so excited about that development. and lately i've noticed when i say "give mommy a kiss" he hums as he's coming in for the kill. teehee...yes, yes i do that.

*sigh* i love these kids.

more for me than you

asher has been babbling in paragraphs for a while now but not a single word. sure, he could say momma and daddy...well technically he could say "monny" and "daddy" but then on thanksgiving he started saying "hot!" it was more like "hoh", not really the "t" on the end. well today he said full sentences numerous times. he said "i wanna see" and "see christmas lights". don't get me wrong - i fully do not expect any of you to make out these sentences but when you question him if he really said what he said he says "mmmhm." i'm a little bit floored tonight.

two weeks ago today i caught him up on the end of his crib, riding it like a horse, leaning forward and giving his window raspberries. needless to say we moved him to the big boy bed that weekend. last thing i need is for him to fall from 5 feet in the air onto hard floors. he did not like the move. he had a few nights of straight sleep and then went back to crying during the night. for 2 1/2 hour blocks of time. exhausted we set up the toddler bed in the nook in his bedroom and that seems to be helping. i hate the feng shui in that room now. but i'll figure that out after a few more nights of uninterrupted sleep.

he's been flirting lately. OH it is so cute. he squints both of his eyes and then tries to look at you through all the eye lashes. then he blinks a little bit. adorable. and then he morphed into this shoulder thing where he shrugs just the left side 3 times...he does it when he's teasing or being mischievous. oh my it's adorable.

he loves airplanes the way karyssa loves trains but then the other night in the middle of one of his sleep boycots a train went by (we live in a town where no matter where you live you are within earshot of a train) and at 4:00am, with daddy taking that shift, clear as a bell, i hear from my bedroom *thuck* "choo-choo!" *suck*suck*suck*. he had pulled his passie out to say choo-choo and then stuck it back in maggie simpson style. so it was surprising to me that he had noticed a train when normally he's an airplane man.

i can not kiss his cheeks enough.

he is ALL boy. tonight i set up the train set and made a figure 8 for each of them to play with. on karyssa's side there's silent playing except for the occasional command to not touch her set or to give her yet another coveted train car. and from asher's side i hear a low grumble of "mmmmmmmm-mmmmmmmm-mmmmmm" like a car noise would make. only in his head it was completely appropriate for a train. is that a natural boy thing to make such a noise when playing with something wheeled?

he wants so bad to potty train but he loses interest after half a day. the other day he sat up on the potty and pushed and pushed and when we looked in again there were 3 little turds. karyssa got excited and squealed "he pooped on the potty!!!" only to squeal her gum, freshly earned from her own poop on the potty, right between the 3 turds. bless her little heart. thank god i had more gum.

he FINALLY likes playing in the snow. which is a good thing considering we live in the great state of colorado and there is currently plenty of snow to play in. i think they go outside twice each morning and twice each afternoon, even if it's dusk he'd rather bundle up and play outside than stay inside with me making dinner or tidying the house.

*whew* all this to say i LOOOOOOVE my little boy. he is the most handsome thing i've ever laid eyes on and looking at him makes my eyes dance. i tell him so all the time. i love the way he sits still if i whisper how much i love him in his ear.

apparently i don't play well with others

some of you are not surprised.
the other day karyssa wanted me to play drive-thru window with her. it's a strange game, especially since we hardly EVER eat from drive-thru windows. paul's work gave the kids this door toy for adoption day. i don't know how else to describe it. it's this...here's a picture of paul and karyssa building it...
somehow the little window next to the door that opens and closes has become her drive-thru window and she is not only the cashier and order taker but also the cook. i come up to the window and ask for coffee and donuts or a cheeseburger or whatever comes to mind and she scurries back there stacking blocks and coming up with different items that become my order. then i pretend the food is delicious and eat it up cookie monster style and then play it all over again. all the while asher is in the background laughing at the way the the blocks fly all over around me when i eat. so the other day she wanted me to be the cashier/cook and pulled up to my window and said "i would like a cheeseburger with extra pickles and a doctor pepper and salad....apple salad." i scurried around and handed her a stack of blocks for each item and she scooped each stack into her arms and pretended to pay me. takin' it up a notch. then she said "thank you, have a nice day." and i realized i say that to EVERY cashier i see. i never noticed that i do that. but she did. i say it at the grocery store, restaurants, the post office, the gas station. i just never noticed that i did. it's so funny the tiny body language she picks up on. and so scary the tiny body language she picks up on.

coup for two, please.

tonight paul and i walked out of a restaurant before we even ordered. it was the first time in my life i'd ever done it.
not that i'd been counting down the last 300 minutes until eating out or anything. you see, normally on saturdays we put the kids to bed and have some sort of restaurant lunch while they nap. but we're on a tight budget this month. my friend sarah is keeping me motivated. so today we decided instead of eating out for lunch AND dinner we'd be good and eat left overs for lunch and go out only for dinner. so when we sat down at the mexican restaurant and opened the menu we were both highly disappointed to see "american breakfast" and "burgers" on the menu. paul folded his menu closed only to realize their slogan was "homemade food". not that i'm a bad cook, i'm ok, but when we go out the last thing we want is something "homemade". not to mention the only burrito on the menu was handwritten in! the waitress came and asked if we were ready and i said we needed another minute. she walked away and i said "i just don't feel right ordering a burger from el sabor grande." and he said "let's just pay for our drinks and go." that's when i fell in love with him all over again. this boy knows how i love to eat out. so when he said to just pay for our drinks and go to 3 margaritas like aliens to the mother ship i knew he loved me. *sigh* i handed him the cash and no sooner had i done that i noticed a couple ladies at the next table (the only other occupied table) lean towards each other shaking their heads no saying "mine's not good either." *gasp* time to GO!
paul paid for our $4 soda's (hello!!! way too much!!) and we hustled the kids for the door. i had prepped karyssa "we are going to that restaurant that gives us chips and salsa." to which she gleefully headed out the door with out fuss. she loves to eat out as much as i do so i was afraid to leave with out her understanding there were greener pastures in our near future. i giggled all the way to the car as i watched asher climb back into his carseat. what kind of errand his 20 month old mind must have thought we were running to just have sodas and leave i don't know. (btw-happy 20 month birthday, buddy!!) we drove to another place on south main that we had been wanting to try but when we drove up and saw the menu glowing from the front of the restaurant we knew we still weren't at the mother ship. when i go out sometimes i just want to be served. i don't want my butt to move from my seat until dinner is done. if a drink is spilled i don't want to have to be the person to get up for napkins. we finally realized we needed to go where the craving is always put to rest. 3 margaritas. not just any 3 margaritas. there's a certain one that has a better chef, or better salsa maker, or better magic wand. i'm not sure what it is about this particular location but everything is better there. once we pulled in we knew we were in the right place. the mother ship 3 margaritas. mmmmmm. salsa and chips, spicy mexican food, not white people mexican food. no offense, i'm white...but it's not delicigrosso. that's what we call delicisoso. they actually have spinach and gravy on the menu. separate dishes. excUSE me?? i am not eating in no mexican restaurant with spinach or gravy on the menu.
it was so good we even had desert. 2 deserts. one for us, one for the kids. and gave the waiter a 20% tip. some things just call for splurging! *whew* i feel better tonight.

in totally unrelated good news; the other day my neighbor/new friend told me her daughter has been showing interest in potty training. since i'm still at the tail end of training karyssa the last thing on my mind was training asher so i didn't really take it to heart at all. besides, girls and boys develop at completely different rates and her daughter is a few months older than asher. i was excited for her but that was that. no other interest. but then i noticed every time i put asher in the tub he'd look down at his little manhood and pee. 3 times this last week i had to empty the tub and start all over with baby oil and water. then on wednesday karyssa peed on the potty and asher climbed up there. she gets 5 marshmellows for pooping. as soon as she was handed her dowry asher climbed up on the potty and squirted out a little squirt squirt. i said "yay!!! you get 2 marshmellows buddy!!" he climbed down, ate his marshmellows and climbed back up for a few more squirts. what the what?? so i got just as excited, gave him 2 more marshmellows and thought what a stinker he was that he really can control it. tonight was bath night again. i am done emptying the tub repeatedly so i put him on the potty and said "go potty on the potty, buddy." he squirted a half squirt then i put him in the tub, let him warm up for 5 seconds and stuck him back up on the potty and said it again "potty on the potty" and that little thing went POTTY!!! a full potty!!!! i know this is not exactly potty training but i'm gonna keep doing that for a while. when he realized more marshmellows were on the line he pushed and pushed until a little fart came out. i'll keep you posted what this means for my immediate future but let me tell you, if our diaper budget goes down our 3 margaritas budget is going right up!

i should get a free pass

today was the worst day on record for this momma. asher had a fever yesterday so i couldn't check him into childcare at the rec center when i went to take karyssa to swim lessons. he woke up SUPER late anyway so i brought his cereal in a little snack cup and figured he could just sit on my lap. we got there 5 minutes early and like always i let her play around in the water a little bit. unlike always i was not RIGHT by her side. i told her to stay close to me by the fountains. i kept an eye on her the whole time. i looked down at asher's snack cup, i looked up and she was WAY across the pool. she was bobbing...i thought for a half a second she was ok but then i realized her bobs were getting slower and she was not getting her full head out of water and she was not getting any closer to the edge of the pool. i RAN around the pool towards her. as i got a third of the way there i heard the lifeguard blow her whistle. we got there at the same time but when she lifted karyssa out of the water she was limp. this is when i broke into sobs. i couldn't speak before i got there. i couldn't think fast enough to leave asher with one of the other mom's i sit and talk to twice a week. all i could think was GET TO HER! accidents happen in seconds in the water but with karyssa they happen in nano-seconds. i looked down at asher, or the edge of the pool or something and when i looked up karyssa was fine again. she was alert and breathing. no cpr. i cried and cried. i wanted to take her and just go home but then i don't want to foster a fear of water in her. at this point the head life guard was at the side of the pool to take asher from me while i got a towel for karyssa and the lifeguard carried her back to the edge of the pool. then we had to fill out a form in the lifeguard room and after we were done the head lifeguard asked karyssa if she was ready for swim lessons and took her by the hand out into the water with the other kids. it's such a good thing she did because i still wanted to scoop her up and carry her home and never let her go. the other moms comforted me and told me stories that each one of them had of their kids' near-drowning incident. i know i'm not alone. i know it's not because i wasn't paying attention. the only thing i could have done differently is not let her enter the water to begin with but then, isn't that why we're there at swim lessons??
i'm pretty sure, since i had to deal with infertility, the least god could do is give me a free pass until their 18th birthdays. or give me a pass that says i'll never have to bury my children. when you work so hard for them and have to fight so long isn't that the least he could do? although i'm fairly certain every parent, no matter how you got here, feels the same way. but god, if you're reading...which you may be but you're not a follower *hint*hint*, i'll take my free pass anyway you want to send it. preferably in writing. xo *sigh*

yehdahday

karyssa has been figuring out yesterday, today, tomorrow, the other day, next week, etc.
so i take her to the calendar and i say "see this square? that's yesterday. yesterday we swam. see this square? it's today, today emily is coming" or whatever. so she's been testing it out. she said to paul "tatum got sick the other day." and i was a little shocked. tatum DID get sick and it WAS the other day. not yesterday. it's so hard to explain because i can't say "one sleep, two sleeps" etc because she still takes naps so when she said "the other day" and not just "yesterday" i was excited. she's finally getting it! and her words are coming out more and more. today paul was working on his new shed and was painting some pegboard. karyssa walked in and said "*gasp* you painted. it looks so nice!" HA! she says SO many things that are exactly what i would have said. i looooove that.
asher has figured out zippers. as of 7:30 this morning. i put him to bed in jammies that zipped all the way up and when i went to get him he had taken off his jammies, except for one foot that he couldn't get off, and his diaper. thank GOD it was not a poopy diaper. UGH! then tonight we could not get him to keep his jacket on because it had a zipper. i remember when karyssa figured out zippers and i realized how much freedom i had just lost in that moment. i could no longer just zip her bows, my makeup, backpacks, etc. away because now she could get into them. well, my friends, asher has now arrived at that moment as well. ha. we wait with anticipation for him to make strides towards growing up and then whamo he does and i can't take it back. he's been babbling in sentences and a couple weeks ago i asked karyssa's speech therapist if i could tell friend-emily something with out her telling therapist-emily and it was that i was concerned about his lack of words. well all of a sudden he's started mimicking sentences. it's sooo cute. today he said, clear as a bell, "up up up!" as he was trying to climb into a chair (that he's not supposed to climb but that's beside the point.)
i love getting to be their mommy but even better: i love that i get to stay home with them every day and see every teeny tiny development. it's worth every penny that i don't make.

my little soccer stud/cheerleader/flirt???

karyssa had another soccer game this morning and in weeks past i've heard other fields cheering for "asher" so i knew eventually we'd meet this "asher". well today was the day. and at first we couldn't get karyssa to get on the field...then she finally did and i noticed she was running up and down the field holding hands with this little boy. then i heard people calling for him and wouldn't you know, it's the other asher. and he did not object to holding hands with her up and down the field either so the feeling must be mutual. at one point she ran over to me on the sidelines and had me take off her gloves so she could get a better grip on asher's hand hold. WHAT IN THE WORLD?!? she's THREE!! the after the game she says "big asher got a haircut." um. what?? has she been noticing this other little boy for weeks now?? i've never known which kid it was, apparently she's already had her eyes set on him somehow. yikes. getting a teeny bit nervous about the next 15 years.

rounding the corner....d'oh!

this morning karyssa came running past me "potty...mom...potty!" i said "great! let me know when you're done and you can have some candy." then she went into the bathroom and i heard a tinkle tinkle tinkle. i walked in to help her wipe only to find her dora seat on the toilet and her standing next to it tinkling on the floor. and it was her first morning pee-let me tell you that tiny thing can hold some pee!!! *sigh* good thing i'm taking my new stance of potty-training-can-wait.
neither one of us have said anything about the candy but i'm letting her enjoy a cup of coffee with me. i put about a tablespoon of decaf in her little toy mug.

the familiar feeling of loss

i know what some of you are thinking. where did she go? she was blogging every day and now she's gone again!
well...i've been busy.
we are buying a house. after 3 years of living in the same place (longer than we've lived anywhere in our married life) we're ready to buy a house and put down, *gasp* dare i say it, roots!
after looking and looking for months we found a house we loved. we put an offer in and it's a short sale. we waited FOREVER for the lender to sign off. they finally came back and so began our inspection and appraisal and paperwork and then another inspection for the sewer. i farmed the kids out to friends and spent 3 hours at the inspection but it went longer than we planned. i decided to go pick up karyssa to let her spend some time in the house to help her get used to the idea and understand what all the packing and boxes meant. um. turns out that was a mistake. she's been potty trained since we had the boys here this february...until...friday when i took her over to the house and showed her what room will be hers and explained. we thought she understood because she asks to drive "by house" or "buy house" every time we're on that side of town but now i'm wondering if she truly understood what we meant.
to karyssa, this place is home. it's safe. it's what she knows. and i kind of suspect she still remembers where she lived before she came here. and i'm not sure if she's in a panic about what the new house means. i explain to her that mommy and daddy and asher are coming too. and she adds "patuh?" (tatum, the dog.) yes, tatum is coming too. i pack boxes where she can see me. i've taken down our pictures. i talk about when we're in the new house and we can get a wading pool and a swing set....but i think for her moving into the new house is a loss of everything familiar all over again. when she came to us, even though our house was "better" than what she'd been in it was a new place, new bed, new room, new parents, new rules, new foods, new smells, and in all that new was a loss for her. much like people who lose everything in a fire, for her it was a loss of her place, a loss of her bed, a loss of her room, a loss of her parents, a loss of the rules she knew, a loss of smells she knew. *sigh* needless to say she's been peeing and pooping in her pants consistently since friday. poor baby. asher couldn't care less. if he thinks all 4 of us are together at taco bell we're home. not karyssa. she gets it. she's older and she's experienced this kind of major change before.
we've had talks about potty training, where to go, what the move will mean etc but i am going to just put her back into diapers and let her know it's ok to take a break from potty training. it's not forever, we'll get back to task after we get into the house and get unpacked and it's our new familiar. in the meantime i have to remember that for karyssa this feeling is not a new one but it doesn't make it any less scary to expect the feeling of loss.

2 going on 17...and other bits of news

i took the kids swimming today. it's the 4th time we've gone swimming since i got asher his floatie suit. they both have one. they look ridiculous in them, like i'm terrified of the water. but really it's because they both go full speed ahead in opposite directions. karyssa is FEARLESS in the water. she does summersaults in the tub and i'm not exaggerating. so when i go by myself i put both of them in their little floatie suits. the first time i couldn't take my hands off asher. he just rolled around in the water bobbing with no particular end up. the next time he got that there was a method to the madness. then last week he realized he can keep his head above water and he figured out how to stand up once he fell onto his belly. today he swam. he SWAM for crying out loud. how in the world does a 15 month old figure that out?? i still have to plug my nose (although i don't let the kids see me do it because i don't want them to be cursed with that.) but i let go and he waved his little arms and he kicked his little legs and he GOT to where he was trying to go! if it's straight ahead of him. if it's to the side he tips himself over that way and then floop right onto his back. so we got some work to do but i'm so excited he swam today! i'm determined to take them every week so they will be comfortable in the water.

then i put them in babysitting and worked out myself. i accidentally got on a machine today that looked like an eliptical machine-my favorite-but it worked more like a stairmaster. it was sort of like i ran bleachers for 30 minutes. whoa. won't be doing those again until i'm ready for a butt blaster. last week i made the mistake of swimming only and boy that did not go over well with miss thang. each week i get a little better at this whole process. i got them out of the pool, gave them showers, lotioned them up, gave them snacks (that was my brilliant new idea this week) then took them to babysitting and they both did great! when i went to pick them up the woman that runs the babysitting said "wow she's quite a big girl huh?" and i was like "oh ya, she's going on 17. i'm scared." she said that karyssa was trying to play with the older girls, they were maybe 4 or 5, but they didn't want to play with her because she doesn't talk so they thought she was a baby. and she's tiny too so it's not like size helps her anti-baby appearance. *sigh* gotta work on that speech therapy stuff. not that i want her to be a big girl, but i don't want her to be shunned by other kids because "she's a baby". my poor baby. oops-wait...i mean, my poor big girl. and then we came home and she insisted on making her own PBJ for lunch and she did it! she needed help with the peanut butter but she did the rest herself. i was a little shocked. she's 2 for pete's sake!!

i love those little biscuits. they are my best friends.

oo-and side note-this is kinda random-i came home and my mother's day present was on the front step. although i have been instructed NOT to open it until paul gets home. this is gonna be a long afternoon!!!

the little things i *LOVE* about my son

because karyssa talks she gets posted on the blog so much. some of you might be wondering if i even like asher. and i do. so here are a few of the little things i love about him:

>when he was a baby he had horrible skin which then turned into eczema when he was just a few months old. after we got some prescription creams his eczema went away but this little freckle/mole on his ankle stayed. i love it.


>he smells like honey ALL the time.

>he doesn't sleep as well as karyssa. this should be a negative but i love the alone time we get at naptime.

>he does sleep well in the mornings and when he finally wakes up and i come in the room i love the way he RUNS to the end of his crib to get to me faster.

>he growls all the time. it's so very very boylike.

>he can double fist a passie like nobody's business. watch below.


>his favorite toy is anything long and walkable. the bug net (although he walks with it in front of him like he's pushing a broom), or the play vacuum, or the kiddie broom, or a play lawn mower.

>he could kazoo before his first birthday.

>he lets you know when he's proud of himself.

>he is the happiest baby i've ever met. smiled and laughed non-stop until he turned 14 months. now he has opinions but they're not a downside.

>when you catch him doing something he's not supposed to do he leans over, with a passie in his mouth, and growls through the passie and smiles so big his nose scrunches.

>he. is. SO. tolerant!!

>even though the therapists picked on him for months before i'd had enough, he hit all his milestones way early. except teeth. he finally got his last 4 teeth in the last few weeks making a grand total of 6 teeth and he's 15 months.

> he sucks his bottles and his passies out the side of his mouth like a cigar. little mobster.

>when he's sick he's the best snuggler. otherwise you gotta get 'em on the run.

>i know i've already said this one but it's worth 2 points-he smells like honey. it's his natural smell.

>i love the way he sleeps on his tummy with his butt in the air.

>he plays with trucks and cars now and sometimes he makes the "rrrrrrrrrrrrr" or "mmmmmmmm" (when the passie is preventing the "rrrr") sound.

*sigh* there are so many more that i just can't think of at the moment. i love calling him "my son" and knowing that he's stuck with me forever.