soooooo we've been having more pee accidents. not poop anymore because now she gets gum for keeping her pants clean and dry during naptime. but now we're back to pee accidents...when she's awake! and standing 3 feet from a toilet!!!
so today we talked about it AGAIN!
me: karyssa, are you worried about your birth family?
karyssa: i'm karyssa ratcliffe (not our real last name)
me: you are karyssa ratcliffe. are you thinking about daddy ******* or step-grandma, or abuelo?
karyssa: i want to see step-grandma
my head: DANG IT NOOOOOOOO!!!! I DON'T WANT TO!!!!! stomping feet like a 2 year old.
me (out loud): grandma ratcliffe? step-grandma? grandma mimi?
karyssa: step-grandma. i want her come to my birthday.
[backstory: yesterday i made cupcakes from the same recipe my sister-in-law made karyssa's birthday cake so her birthday is fresh on her mind even though it's a full 6 months away.]
my head: what the heck?? (not the word i want to use)
me (out loud): well if you want to see her you can just tell mommy. ok?
i chat all of this to paul and he says "ya, because she wants presents." WHEW! yes, i think that is accurate. in her mind her birthday equals presents and who brings her presents the last 2 times she saw her? step-grandma. so the plan is still on to have no contact until she's old enough to tell us what exactly she wants.
in asher news: yesterday paul wiped him down with a wipe and he screamed "HOT!" when the wipe touched his eczema thumb. i can't STAND his eczema. i have kept him off peanuts and taken him back off of all things egg (which is HARD, let me tell you, when you love to bake) so i'm hoping eventually his thumb will look like a normal thumb and not one that's been through a meat grinder. he's talking more and more, and mimicking karyssa more and more. it's so interesting to finally hear his thoughts. right now he is sitting in the bumbo chair, they both have their bike helmets on and they are throwing cars at each other. hot wheel cars, not real cars...they aren't hercules children. the other day he took his helmet to paul and said "ride bike!!" and so we did. man i love these munchkins.
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
continued backlash and more proof for liberating decisions
this morning i told karyssa we were going to mcdonald's to play with kaden, mason, noah and isabelle. and karyssa said "i don't want it." which means she didn't want to. i said "don't you like playing with isabelle?" and after prodding i said "does she touch you funny?" and she said yes and i asked where. she pointed to her head. *roll eyes* i said "does she say mean things?" and she said yes, i asked "and what does she say?" "sorry". ok...pretty sure at this point this entire charade is made up to avoid going to mcdonald's when it hit me...the last time we went there we met step-grandma and grandpa.
eventually she went anyway and we played and got lunch and came home. then i put the kids down for naptime aka quiet time because "we don't want it" for "naptime" either. she started sobbing. odd but not totally out of the ordinary. i left the room and came downstairs to tidy up and she was still sobbing. i went back up there and said "sweetie, what's wrong?" and she pointed to her sippy cup that she had thrown to the end of the bed. i got it for her and sat on the edge of the bed and said "i've been wanting to talk to you. did you not want to go to mcdonald's today because you were afraid step-grandma and grandpa would be there?" and she shook her head yes. i choked up and said "you know what....we're not going to see them again either. is that ok?" and she shook her head yes. "you don't ever have to see them again. and some day if you want to you just let me know. it might not be this year or until you're 18 or never...but if you ever want to see them again you let me know. ok? and if you never want to see them again that's ok too." and with that she calmed down and fell asleep.
in her mind they all had a chance to protect her and didn't. and she knows their only job was to protect her and they failed at that. i know meeting with birth dad gave her closure. i think she was starting to believe all of that was a bad dream from a past life or something and seeing him made her realize it was real. it WAS her life. it DID happen to her. and i think in her own way when she crawled up in his lap she was forgiving him in a sense, but she hasn't forgotten that he didn't do the one job he was given as a father. and even though she can forgive, she doesn't have to forget. and i don't want her to feel like that's a bad thing or that she's holding a grudge. she needs to learn to protect herself. and if forgiving but not forgetting helps her protect herself and speak up for herself in a way, than so be it. i couldn't be prouder of her for finally finding her voice. aaaaaand i'd be lying if i didn't say that it makes me glad to have more proof for our liberating decisions below.
eventually she went anyway and we played and got lunch and came home. then i put the kids down for naptime aka quiet time because "we don't want it" for "naptime" either. she started sobbing. odd but not totally out of the ordinary. i left the room and came downstairs to tidy up and she was still sobbing. i went back up there and said "sweetie, what's wrong?" and she pointed to her sippy cup that she had thrown to the end of the bed. i got it for her and sat on the edge of the bed and said "i've been wanting to talk to you. did you not want to go to mcdonald's today because you were afraid step-grandma and grandpa would be there?" and she shook her head yes. i choked up and said "you know what....we're not going to see them again either. is that ok?" and she shook her head yes. "you don't ever have to see them again. and some day if you want to you just let me know. it might not be this year or until you're 18 or never...but if you ever want to see them again you let me know. ok? and if you never want to see them again that's ok too." and with that she calmed down and fell asleep.
in her mind they all had a chance to protect her and didn't. and she knows their only job was to protect her and they failed at that. i know meeting with birth dad gave her closure. i think she was starting to believe all of that was a bad dream from a past life or something and seeing him made her realize it was real. it WAS her life. it DID happen to her. and i think in her own way when she crawled up in his lap she was forgiving him in a sense, but she hasn't forgotten that he didn't do the one job he was given as a father. and even though she can forgive, she doesn't have to forget. and i don't want her to feel like that's a bad thing or that she's holding a grudge. she needs to learn to protect herself. and if forgiving but not forgetting helps her protect herself and speak up for herself in a way, than so be it. i couldn't be prouder of her for finally finding her voice. aaaaaand i'd be lying if i didn't say that it makes me glad to have more proof for our liberating decisions below.
Monday, December 26, 2011
liberating decisions!!!!
ok. so. i mentioned yesterday about us having birth family drama going on and i'm ready to share.
we have been trying to have an open adoption. we've been encouraged (polite word for: pushed) to do this and so we tried. this is the first time we've done this whole adoption thing so we figured we'd follow the professional advice.
well, i will tell you after a year of trying their advice sucks and it's not a one-size-fits-all answer.
i've gotten a couple emails from the kids step-grandma...yes...STEP-grandma and i ignored them. i was sort of hoping that they would forget and stop writing. teehee. bad plan. we finally met a couple weeks ago and i was amazed at how much they favored asher and didn't acknowledge karyssa. they asked ME questions ABOUT her but didn't ask HER any questions. red flag. and they didn't just ask "so...what is she into these days?" they asked "is she potty trained?" "can she talk yet?" WTF? you were sitting RIGHT HERE when she said "mommy, i've gotta go potty." 2 birds with 1 stone. seriously.
then the accidents started up again. no poop in the potty. it used to be food and now she has a new power.
ok...here's the clencher...and you're going to gasp but you can't judge me: we met with birth dad and let him see the kids again for the first time in 18 months. it was a. tear. JERKER! we met at a local restaurant and we got there first and when he walked in and sat down karyssa took one look and stopped dead in her tracks. i could see the wheels turning. there was practically smoke coming out of her ears from the gears in her head. then he put his hands down and she went to him. she remembered him right away but she couldn't figure out what he was doing there and what was going to happen next...was she coming home with us? would she have to go back with him? ugh. it killed me. he sobbed and sobbed right there in the restaurant. and she got really scared and looked at me and i said, with tears in my eyes "it's ok, honey." he cried for another minute and then said "thank you so much, you guys. this really means a lot to me." after that karyssa warmed up and sat on his lap until the food came! she opened her presents and he helped her put on some play earrings he had gotten her. at the end he picked up asher and looked him over. he couldn't believe how big he had gotten and that he was walking. it was a good visit. the man from the table next to us said "you have beautiful children" and while i sat their trying to figure out how this was going to play out both paul and daddy ******* said "thank you." i'm sure he thought i was a surrogate.
afterwards paul and i had some new unexpected feelings. i guess we'd never realized before that she'd bonded. with anyone. so in a way it was a relief that she HAD bonded and we can mark Reactive Attachment Disorder off our list of things to worry about in her future. but it also made us realize, before she was ours, she was someone else's. we hadn't considered that with either kid and it was actually easier to deal with with asher because he hadn't bonded with anyone else before. he was a day old when he came straight from the hospital. he didn't know birth dad. in his mind this man belonged to karyssa but he had nothing to do with him and who he was. i've realized a lot of things about that meeting. i've realized, with all my adopted family, i never thought about who their birth parents were, or what they looked like, or how they were doing with the fact that somewhere out there they had a baby that was adopted to another family. they were mine. my cousin. my aunt. my 2nd cousin...they were and always had been.
then this last week karyssa started having LOTS of accidents. PEE accidents! she hasn't had a pee accident in a LONG time. and she might as well just be in a diaper 100% of the time for naptime, which is typically finished off with a nice poop. (sorry-tmi) so finally i realized, every day since we had met with her birthdad she had had an accident. finally one morning she came to my bedside with fresh underwear and said "mine are wet." ok-i wanted to cry right then and there. i realized this decision to meet with birthdad, that we meant in the best interest possible for the kids, was the worst thing we ever could have done. i began to wonder how many weeks it was going to take us to get back to square one with potty training. i pulled her up on my bed and said "what did you think about seeing daddy *******?" i wanted it to be open ended so i didn't put feelings in her head. she just sat quiet. i said "did it make you happy, or sad, or anxious?" again no answer. i said "mommy and daddy wanted you to get to see him again because he misses you every day. but i think that was probably not a good decision. we won't go see him ever again. some day when you want to you just tell mommy and we can do that again. but for now, we won't see him again. and it's ok when you are ready to see him again. ok?" and with that she shook her head yes and has peed AND pooped in the potty 100% of the time. not a single accident for days now. and on christmas eve when we went out for breakfast she asked paul to draw a picture of her, then asher, then daddy, then mommy, then....daddy *******. she wants to know he's ok, but she doesn't need to see him to know that. the way the child mind works will always fascinate me.
so for all of you who said "trust your gut" or "they are with you for a reason" or "they are where they are meant to be" you were right. we did the best we could with the situation given to us and realize sometimes the "best interest of the children" cannot be predicted by a social worker who just finished a seminar on connections to the birth family. yes, they will wonder where they came from. yes, they will wonder whose toes they have or who their nose came from. and for those questions we have pictures. for the deeper stuff, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
but for now it just feels liberating to be able to make the decision with facts and proof and wet beds and poopy pants.
we have been trying to have an open adoption. we've been encouraged (polite word for: pushed) to do this and so we tried. this is the first time we've done this whole adoption thing so we figured we'd follow the professional advice.
well, i will tell you after a year of trying their advice sucks and it's not a one-size-fits-all answer.
i've gotten a couple emails from the kids step-grandma...yes...STEP-grandma and i ignored them. i was sort of hoping that they would forget and stop writing. teehee. bad plan. we finally met a couple weeks ago and i was amazed at how much they favored asher and didn't acknowledge karyssa. they asked ME questions ABOUT her but didn't ask HER any questions. red flag. and they didn't just ask "so...what is she into these days?" they asked "is she potty trained?" "can she talk yet?" WTF? you were sitting RIGHT HERE when she said "mommy, i've gotta go potty." 2 birds with 1 stone. seriously.
then the accidents started up again. no poop in the potty. it used to be food and now she has a new power.
ok...here's the clencher...and you're going to gasp but you can't judge me: we met with birth dad and let him see the kids again for the first time in 18 months. it was a. tear. JERKER! we met at a local restaurant and we got there first and when he walked in and sat down karyssa took one look and stopped dead in her tracks. i could see the wheels turning. there was practically smoke coming out of her ears from the gears in her head. then he put his hands down and she went to him. she remembered him right away but she couldn't figure out what he was doing there and what was going to happen next...was she coming home with us? would she have to go back with him? ugh. it killed me. he sobbed and sobbed right there in the restaurant. and she got really scared and looked at me and i said, with tears in my eyes "it's ok, honey." he cried for another minute and then said "thank you so much, you guys. this really means a lot to me." after that karyssa warmed up and sat on his lap until the food came! she opened her presents and he helped her put on some play earrings he had gotten her. at the end he picked up asher and looked him over. he couldn't believe how big he had gotten and that he was walking. it was a good visit. the man from the table next to us said "you have beautiful children" and while i sat their trying to figure out how this was going to play out both paul and daddy ******* said "thank you." i'm sure he thought i was a surrogate.
afterwards paul and i had some new unexpected feelings. i guess we'd never realized before that she'd bonded. with anyone. so in a way it was a relief that she HAD bonded and we can mark Reactive Attachment Disorder off our list of things to worry about in her future. but it also made us realize, before she was ours, she was someone else's. we hadn't considered that with either kid and it was actually easier to deal with with asher because he hadn't bonded with anyone else before. he was a day old when he came straight from the hospital. he didn't know birth dad. in his mind this man belonged to karyssa but he had nothing to do with him and who he was. i've realized a lot of things about that meeting. i've realized, with all my adopted family, i never thought about who their birth parents were, or what they looked like, or how they were doing with the fact that somewhere out there they had a baby that was adopted to another family. they were mine. my cousin. my aunt. my 2nd cousin...they were and always had been.
then this last week karyssa started having LOTS of accidents. PEE accidents! she hasn't had a pee accident in a LONG time. and she might as well just be in a diaper 100% of the time for naptime, which is typically finished off with a nice poop. (sorry-tmi) so finally i realized, every day since we had met with her birthdad she had had an accident. finally one morning she came to my bedside with fresh underwear and said "mine are wet." ok-i wanted to cry right then and there. i realized this decision to meet with birthdad, that we meant in the best interest possible for the kids, was the worst thing we ever could have done. i began to wonder how many weeks it was going to take us to get back to square one with potty training. i pulled her up on my bed and said "what did you think about seeing daddy *******?" i wanted it to be open ended so i didn't put feelings in her head. she just sat quiet. i said "did it make you happy, or sad, or anxious?" again no answer. i said "mommy and daddy wanted you to get to see him again because he misses you every day. but i think that was probably not a good decision. we won't go see him ever again. some day when you want to you just tell mommy and we can do that again. but for now, we won't see him again. and it's ok when you are ready to see him again. ok?" and with that she shook her head yes and has peed AND pooped in the potty 100% of the time. not a single accident for days now. and on christmas eve when we went out for breakfast she asked paul to draw a picture of her, then asher, then daddy, then mommy, then....daddy *******. she wants to know he's ok, but she doesn't need to see him to know that. the way the child mind works will always fascinate me.
so for all of you who said "trust your gut" or "they are with you for a reason" or "they are where they are meant to be" you were right. we did the best we could with the situation given to us and realize sometimes the "best interest of the children" cannot be predicted by a social worker who just finished a seminar on connections to the birth family. yes, they will wonder where they came from. yes, they will wonder whose toes they have or who their nose came from. and for those questions we have pictures. for the deeper stuff, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
but for now it just feels liberating to be able to make the decision with facts and proof and wet beds and poopy pants.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
the MAGIC of it all!
sorry i haven't posted lately. been dealing with some heavy birth family stuff and was waiting for the silver lining to appear. maybe i'll post later.
BUT today is christmas and that means SANTA....and jesus. it's true. we're christians and that's the #1 reason but when you've waited and waited to have little people to celebrate with it's SO exciting to smother them in gifts. all season long when karyssa would ask for something i would tell her we'd have to tell santa. and when it was finally time to go see santa to tell him her greatest desire was a cinderella castle she said "i'm gonna ask santa for TWO cinderella castle's!!!" i quickly nipped that in the bud and said "we don't want santa to think we're being greedy, so we need to just ask him for one." last night we gave them their pajamas and when she opened her hello kitty pajamas i said "how did santa know? you told him you wanted a cinderella castle but you never said anything about hello kitty!?!" and she said with christmas magic oozing from every pore "he just KNOWS these things." oh my gawd she is so funny!! tonight at dinner she said "let's go to bed again so santa will come again!" again...nipped it in the bud and told her she was going to have to wait 365 days for him to come again.
asher got a paint pad from uncle brock and aunt liz and today when karyssa went to touch it he started screaming "MINE! MINE! MINE!" he also ran laps around the house with his new wheel-barrel full of stocking stuffer toys. after dinner he took off his pajamas and said "potty!" and ran into the bathroom and went a full potty on the potty and then ran out of the bathroom to tell grandma and grandpa who were on the phone. he was SO proud of himself he leaned into the speaker phone and shouted "POTTY!" ugh! i love that little boy and his achievements. he then ran around the house like a naked banchee and i've got to say he really does have the cutest cheeks ever. i think it's the way the front of his thighs stick out so far you can see them from behind. and then get distracted by the sweet cheeks. mmmmm....have i mentioned how much i love these kids?
both kids got strider bikes and wow karyssa is good on it. she can already pull her feet up and glide. asher will sit on it and push himself along so i'm sure it's just a matter of time before he's cruising on it. good thing because i lay awake at night excited about them riding their strider bikes along the trails as i run along with them. UGH! can't wait to get running regularly again. ps-it's my turn to run a marathon next year and i can't WAIT!
aaaaaaaaanyhow...that's all i can remember for today. so glad to finally have little people to smother with christmas magic.
BUT today is christmas and that means SANTA....and jesus. it's true. we're christians and that's the #1 reason but when you've waited and waited to have little people to celebrate with it's SO exciting to smother them in gifts. all season long when karyssa would ask for something i would tell her we'd have to tell santa. and when it was finally time to go see santa to tell him her greatest desire was a cinderella castle she said "i'm gonna ask santa for TWO cinderella castle's!!!" i quickly nipped that in the bud and said "we don't want santa to think we're being greedy, so we need to just ask him for one." last night we gave them their pajamas and when she opened her hello kitty pajamas i said "how did santa know? you told him you wanted a cinderella castle but you never said anything about hello kitty!?!" and she said with christmas magic oozing from every pore "he just KNOWS these things." oh my gawd she is so funny!! tonight at dinner she said "let's go to bed again so santa will come again!" again...nipped it in the bud and told her she was going to have to wait 365 days for him to come again.
asher got a paint pad from uncle brock and aunt liz and today when karyssa went to touch it he started screaming "MINE! MINE! MINE!" he also ran laps around the house with his new wheel-barrel full of stocking stuffer toys. after dinner he took off his pajamas and said "potty!" and ran into the bathroom and went a full potty on the potty and then ran out of the bathroom to tell grandma and grandpa who were on the phone. he was SO proud of himself he leaned into the speaker phone and shouted "POTTY!" ugh! i love that little boy and his achievements. he then ran around the house like a naked banchee and i've got to say he really does have the cutest cheeks ever. i think it's the way the front of his thighs stick out so far you can see them from behind. and then get distracted by the sweet cheeks. mmmmm....have i mentioned how much i love these kids?
both kids got strider bikes and wow karyssa is good on it. she can already pull her feet up and glide. asher will sit on it and push himself along so i'm sure it's just a matter of time before he's cruising on it. good thing because i lay awake at night excited about them riding their strider bikes along the trails as i run along with them. UGH! can't wait to get running regularly again. ps-it's my turn to run a marathon next year and i can't WAIT!
aaaaaaaaanyhow...that's all i can remember for today. so glad to finally have little people to smother with christmas magic.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
she makes me GIGGLE!!!!
on sunday the kids and i went to petsmart to get dog food and a couple toys for tatum for christmas. on the way in the door karyssa said she wanted to walk. this is her new thing. walking in the stores instead of sitting in the cart. so the deal is, if she stays with me she can walk. if i have to tell her not to touch or to keep up or keep with me, in the cart she goes. and i'm usually pretty good at just getting what we went in for. but. i do love fish. so when she got the idea that she'd like a fish i had a hard time saying no. we got the cheapest set up we could get. a simple bowl, and one fish. i let her pick it out. she picked a blue beta and i said "so why did you pick that one?" and she said "because he's blue!" good reason. we went to check out and i said "so what are you gonna name him?" "fishy raditastic" (for privacy reasons i don't post our real last name.) it was the first time i realized she knew her last name. i call her by it all the time. but i never realized she was recording that. i was so excited. i love hearing her say her last name because we gave that to her, like a stamp on her heritage. i love that!
tonight we had a sitter for a couple hours and when we came home paul went in and i took her home. then when i got back paul told me they had convinced her that they could sleep in the same room, in the same bed! he had gone up there and when he opened her door they sat up shoulder to shoulder in the bed. we ate dinner, opened mail, then i started making a pie for dinner with our casa tomorrow night and that's when we heard karyssa calling for me from upstairs. What the?? i went into her room and we got to giggling...pretty quickly...and i said "you sure schnookered paige into quite a few things tonight didn't you?" and she giggled and said "yep!"
oooooh she makes me LAUGH!!!
tonight we had a sitter for a couple hours and when we came home paul went in and i took her home. then when i got back paul told me they had convinced her that they could sleep in the same room, in the same bed! he had gone up there and when he opened her door they sat up shoulder to shoulder in the bed. we ate dinner, opened mail, then i started making a pie for dinner with our casa tomorrow night and that's when we heard karyssa calling for me from upstairs. What the?? i went into her room and we got to giggling...pretty quickly...and i said "you sure schnookered paige into quite a few things tonight didn't you?" and she giggled and said "yep!"
oooooh she makes me LAUGH!!!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
i should get a free pass
today was the worst day on record for this momma. asher had a fever yesterday so i couldn't check him into childcare at the rec center when i went to take karyssa to swim lessons. he woke up SUPER late anyway so i brought his cereal in a little snack cup and figured he could just sit on my lap. we got there 5 minutes early and like always i let her play around in the water a little bit. unlike always i was not RIGHT by her side. i told her to stay close to me by the fountains. i kept an eye on her the whole time. i looked down at asher's snack cup, i looked up and she was WAY across the pool. she was bobbing...i thought for a half a second she was ok but then i realized her bobs were getting slower and she was not getting her full head out of water and she was not getting any closer to the edge of the pool. i RAN around the pool towards her. as i got a third of the way there i heard the lifeguard blow her whistle. we got there at the same time but when she lifted karyssa out of the water she was limp. this is when i broke into sobs. i couldn't speak before i got there. i couldn't think fast enough to leave asher with one of the other mom's i sit and talk to twice a week. all i could think was GET TO HER! accidents happen in seconds in the water but with karyssa they happen in nano-seconds. i looked down at asher, or the edge of the pool or something and when i looked up karyssa was fine again. she was alert and breathing. no cpr. i cried and cried. i wanted to take her and just go home but then i don't want to foster a fear of water in her. at this point the head life guard was at the side of the pool to take asher from me while i got a towel for karyssa and the lifeguard carried her back to the edge of the pool. then we had to fill out a form in the lifeguard room and after we were done the head lifeguard asked karyssa if she was ready for swim lessons and took her by the hand out into the water with the other kids. it's such a good thing she did because i still wanted to scoop her up and carry her home and never let her go. the other moms comforted me and told me stories that each one of them had of their kids' near-drowning incident. i know i'm not alone. i know it's not because i wasn't paying attention. the only thing i could have done differently is not let her enter the water to begin with but then, isn't that why we're there at swim lessons??
i'm pretty sure, since i had to deal with infertility, the least god could do is give me a free pass until their 18th birthdays. or give me a pass that says i'll never have to bury my children. when you work so hard for them and have to fight so long isn't that the least he could do? although i'm fairly certain every parent, no matter how you got here, feels the same way. but god, if you're reading...which you may be but you're not a follower *hint*hint*, i'll take my free pass anyway you want to send it. preferably in writing. xo *sigh*
i'm pretty sure, since i had to deal with infertility, the least god could do is give me a free pass until their 18th birthdays. or give me a pass that says i'll never have to bury my children. when you work so hard for them and have to fight so long isn't that the least he could do? although i'm fairly certain every parent, no matter how you got here, feels the same way. but god, if you're reading...which you may be but you're not a follower *hint*hint*, i'll take my free pass anyway you want to send it. preferably in writing. xo *sigh*
Saturday, October 1, 2011
another set of in-laws
i haven't posted in a while because i've been hiding.
when we were just weeks away from adoption day social services sent us an email that the grandparents had contacted them and were wanting to know when visits with the kids would start. uuuuum....a year and a half ago! where have they been??? i shook in my boots all the way to the courthouse just sure the adoptions wouldn't go through because they had re-entered the picture. we met with them and laid as low as possible until they were officially ours.
now it's almost a year later and i still don't know how to process this new set of in-laws. that's how it feels. they aren't quite my family, but they are related. i've been told i have to love them, but i have nothing in common with them. don't get me wrong, i love my real in-laws. but we've been working on this relationship for over 9 years now. and now all of a sudden i feel like social services handed me another set to break in. and i'm not really happy about it. paul and i met with them alone and then we met with them with the kids. it went well. their grandfather is a sweet sweet man that both paul and i would like to get to know better. but he speaks no english. which means, we have to have step-grandma come everywhere we go to translate and i know a teeny tiny bit of spanish...and it's enough to know she is not translating everything we say. and i want him to know some of these stories. and i want him in our lives. and i'm sure the kids will want him in their lives someday too but with out being able to talk to him we're stuck with this extra grandparent that honestly makes me unsettled. i don't know what it is that makes me unsettled about her. she tries, she really does. but there's just something that makes me want to stay quiet and not say anything when i'm around her. i don't like that feeling and i have spent enough time in my life with people that make me feel uneasy like that and i don't trust them. i'm quick to judge and very often wrong.
earlier this summer my case worker, who encouraged us to have this relationship, mentioned that one of her kids was terminally ill and i asked if it was one of her birth kids or adopted kids and she said "it doesn't matter...but it's one of my biological kids." and it took me a while to process why did i ask that? what did it matter? why did she respond that way? and then i realized...if karyssa were terminally ill the first thing i would want to do is get her birth dad back in her life. for him to have closure. she is his baby too. wouldn't it be fair to give him closure just like i would want if the tables were turned? and i realized this woman, our case worker, who guided us through this potentially torrential relationship chose to do the exact OPPOSITE that she encouraged us to do. and i feel wronged. i listened. i obeyed in a way because i didn't know what else to do. and i gotta be honest, my adopted family all encouraged me not to pursue this relationship and now i understand why they said that.
so. all of this to say...we're still muddling through this in-law thing and i've been hiding since i got an email from them 2 months ago that still remains unanswered. i know i need to respond but i don't know what to say other than to send a gift certificate for rosetta stone. *sigh*
when we were just weeks away from adoption day social services sent us an email that the grandparents had contacted them and were wanting to know when visits with the kids would start. uuuuum....a year and a half ago! where have they been??? i shook in my boots all the way to the courthouse just sure the adoptions wouldn't go through because they had re-entered the picture. we met with them and laid as low as possible until they were officially ours.
now it's almost a year later and i still don't know how to process this new set of in-laws. that's how it feels. they aren't quite my family, but they are related. i've been told i have to love them, but i have nothing in common with them. don't get me wrong, i love my real in-laws. but we've been working on this relationship for over 9 years now. and now all of a sudden i feel like social services handed me another set to break in. and i'm not really happy about it. paul and i met with them alone and then we met with them with the kids. it went well. their grandfather is a sweet sweet man that both paul and i would like to get to know better. but he speaks no english. which means, we have to have step-grandma come everywhere we go to translate and i know a teeny tiny bit of spanish...and it's enough to know she is not translating everything we say. and i want him to know some of these stories. and i want him in our lives. and i'm sure the kids will want him in their lives someday too but with out being able to talk to him we're stuck with this extra grandparent that honestly makes me unsettled. i don't know what it is that makes me unsettled about her. she tries, she really does. but there's just something that makes me want to stay quiet and not say anything when i'm around her. i don't like that feeling and i have spent enough time in my life with people that make me feel uneasy like that and i don't trust them. i'm quick to judge and very often wrong.
earlier this summer my case worker, who encouraged us to have this relationship, mentioned that one of her kids was terminally ill and i asked if it was one of her birth kids or adopted kids and she said "it doesn't matter...but it's one of my biological kids." and it took me a while to process why did i ask that? what did it matter? why did she respond that way? and then i realized...if karyssa were terminally ill the first thing i would want to do is get her birth dad back in her life. for him to have closure. she is his baby too. wouldn't it be fair to give him closure just like i would want if the tables were turned? and i realized this woman, our case worker, who guided us through this potentially torrential relationship chose to do the exact OPPOSITE that she encouraged us to do. and i feel wronged. i listened. i obeyed in a way because i didn't know what else to do. and i gotta be honest, my adopted family all encouraged me not to pursue this relationship and now i understand why they said that.
so. all of this to say...we're still muddling through this in-law thing and i've been hiding since i got an email from them 2 months ago that still remains unanswered. i know i need to respond but i don't know what to say other than to send a gift certificate for rosetta stone. *sigh*
Saturday, June 11, 2011
WHO left me in charge?
today i called my sister on the brink. since we have decided to buy the flip-flop house and not the fix-up house karyssa has been asking to wear underpants again. but she still choses to poop in her pants instead of on the potty even if she's given the opportunity to use the potty 5 minutes before pooping in her pants. it makes me so angry. and i'm not doing well hiding it anymore. so today with poop in her swimsuit i had to drag her into the bathroom and then try to salvage her swimsuit. when it's underpants i throw them away. her brand new swimsuit-i can't do it. this is when i decided i needed to talk to someone who's been down this road before and come out with a potty trained child, girl preferably. we got to talking about when karyssa decided to go back into pants and it really was when we took her to the flip-flop house and told her we were going to buy that house instead of the "blue house". and missy (my sister) said "well, didn't they smoke pot in the blue house?"
"........um. yes. yes they did." with out sharing too much information on karyssa's case, trying to think how to say this tactfully, ........she has smelled pot smoke before and it wasn't in a happy time in her life. there. that's the best way i can think of saying it. and smell is the strongest sense for memories. so everytime we went in that house karyssa's insides froze. and now i feel like the biggest doof for not putting the pieces together quicker. there's no WAY we could have bought that house and had karyssa have any sense of security. i told paul what me and missy put together...ok...what missy put together and we both felt awful that we didn't think of it.
somehow we forget she has a past. in our minds she's ours and she always has been. and i think because so many people tell us "she doesn't remember" or "she was too young" or "it's been too long" that we believe them. but what we have to remember is WE are her parents and WE know she does remember, she's not too young, and forever won't be long enough for her to forget where she comes from. the other night when i was putting her to bed i gave her a hug and whispered "you're my best friend." and she hugged me extra EXTRA long. it's times like that i realize she does get it and she does know where she's come from and what we mean.
and a little part of me gets a little mad at her birth parents for not taking better care of my baby before she came to us.
"........um. yes. yes they did." with out sharing too much information on karyssa's case, trying to think how to say this tactfully, ........she has smelled pot smoke before and it wasn't in a happy time in her life. there. that's the best way i can think of saying it. and smell is the strongest sense for memories. so everytime we went in that house karyssa's insides froze. and now i feel like the biggest doof for not putting the pieces together quicker. there's no WAY we could have bought that house and had karyssa have any sense of security. i told paul what me and missy put together...ok...what missy put together and we both felt awful that we didn't think of it.
somehow we forget she has a past. in our minds she's ours and she always has been. and i think because so many people tell us "she doesn't remember" or "she was too young" or "it's been too long" that we believe them. but what we have to remember is WE are her parents and WE know she does remember, she's not too young, and forever won't be long enough for her to forget where she comes from. the other night when i was putting her to bed i gave her a hug and whispered "you're my best friend." and she hugged me extra EXTRA long. it's times like that i realize she does get it and she does know where she's come from and what we mean.
and a little part of me gets a little mad at her birth parents for not taking better care of my baby before she came to us.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
the familiar feeling of loss
i know what some of you are thinking. where did she go? she was blogging every day and now she's gone again!
well...i've been busy.
we are buying a house. after 3 years of living in the same place (longer than we've lived anywhere in our married life) we're ready to buy a house and put down, *gasp* dare i say it, roots!
after looking and looking for months we found a house we loved. we put an offer in and it's a short sale. we waited FOREVER for the lender to sign off. they finally came back and so began our inspection and appraisal and paperwork and then another inspection for the sewer. i farmed the kids out to friends and spent 3 hours at the inspection but it went longer than we planned. i decided to go pick up karyssa to let her spend some time in the house to help her get used to the idea and understand what all the packing and boxes meant. um. turns out that was a mistake. she's been potty trained since we had the boys here this february...until...friday when i took her over to the house and showed her what room will be hers and explained. we thought she understood because she asks to drive "by house" or "buy house" every time we're on that side of town but now i'm wondering if she truly understood what we meant.
to karyssa, this place is home. it's safe. it's what she knows. and i kind of suspect she still remembers where she lived before she came here. and i'm not sure if she's in a panic about what the new house means. i explain to her that mommy and daddy and asher are coming too. and she adds "patuh?" (tatum, the dog.) yes, tatum is coming too. i pack boxes where she can see me. i've taken down our pictures. i talk about when we're in the new house and we can get a wading pool and a swing set....but i think for her moving into the new house is a loss of everything familiar all over again. when she came to us, even though our house was "better" than what she'd been in it was a new place, new bed, new room, new parents, new rules, new foods, new smells, and in all that new was a loss for her. much like people who lose everything in a fire, for her it was a loss of her place, a loss of her bed, a loss of her room, a loss of her parents, a loss of the rules she knew, a loss of smells she knew. *sigh* needless to say she's been peeing and pooping in her pants consistently since friday. poor baby. asher couldn't care less. if he thinks all 4 of us are together at taco bell we're home. not karyssa. she gets it. she's older and she's experienced this kind of major change before.
we've had talks about potty training, where to go, what the move will mean etc but i am going to just put her back into diapers and let her know it's ok to take a break from potty training. it's not forever, we'll get back to task after we get into the house and get unpacked and it's our new familiar. in the meantime i have to remember that for karyssa this feeling is not a new one but it doesn't make it any less scary to expect the feeling of loss.
well...i've been busy.
we are buying a house. after 3 years of living in the same place (longer than we've lived anywhere in our married life) we're ready to buy a house and put down, *gasp* dare i say it, roots!
after looking and looking for months we found a house we loved. we put an offer in and it's a short sale. we waited FOREVER for the lender to sign off. they finally came back and so began our inspection and appraisal and paperwork and then another inspection for the sewer. i farmed the kids out to friends and spent 3 hours at the inspection but it went longer than we planned. i decided to go pick up karyssa to let her spend some time in the house to help her get used to the idea and understand what all the packing and boxes meant. um. turns out that was a mistake. she's been potty trained since we had the boys here this february...until...friday when i took her over to the house and showed her what room will be hers and explained. we thought she understood because she asks to drive "by house" or "buy house" every time we're on that side of town but now i'm wondering if she truly understood what we meant.
to karyssa, this place is home. it's safe. it's what she knows. and i kind of suspect she still remembers where she lived before she came here. and i'm not sure if she's in a panic about what the new house means. i explain to her that mommy and daddy and asher are coming too. and she adds "patuh?" (tatum, the dog.) yes, tatum is coming too. i pack boxes where she can see me. i've taken down our pictures. i talk about when we're in the new house and we can get a wading pool and a swing set....but i think for her moving into the new house is a loss of everything familiar all over again. when she came to us, even though our house was "better" than what she'd been in it was a new place, new bed, new room, new parents, new rules, new foods, new smells, and in all that new was a loss for her. much like people who lose everything in a fire, for her it was a loss of her place, a loss of her bed, a loss of her room, a loss of her parents, a loss of the rules she knew, a loss of smells she knew. *sigh* needless to say she's been peeing and pooping in her pants consistently since friday. poor baby. asher couldn't care less. if he thinks all 4 of us are together at taco bell we're home. not karyssa. she gets it. she's older and she's experienced this kind of major change before.
we've had talks about potty training, where to go, what the move will mean etc but i am going to just put her back into diapers and let her know it's ok to take a break from potty training. it's not forever, we'll get back to task after we get into the house and get unpacked and it's our new familiar. in the meantime i have to remember that for karyssa this feeling is not a new one but it doesn't make it any less scary to expect the feeling of loss.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
focus on the family has very boring writers
we got into foster care because of the "wait no more" conference held by focus. they took surveys and then later followed up and have asked us if they can use our story. i said sure and sent them a brief story. ok...not so brief story...and they just wrote back with the "cleaned up" version.
bwahahahahahahaha! i'm pretty sure i will never be selected to be a writer for focus for many reasons. i use the word "stirrups" when explaining why infertility treatments weren't for us. and i'm rather straightforward in my writing style. and i'm pretty sure focus cares if they offend people in their pamphlets and information. uuuuum we don't share the same writing philosophies. i figure if someone wants to read my opinion i can give my opinion. must not work the same for non-profit-bible-based organizations who have hundreds of people waiting to rip them to pieces.
just for kicks i'll give you the short focus version of our story...does this even SOUND like me???
“We had already filled out our international adoption application when some friends mentioned the Wait No More conference. We were not expecting it to be about adoption from foster care. The conference helped me see that every child needs the love of a family. By the time the last speaker spoke I was in tears and my husband was silent. We looked at each other and said "This is it." Three years have passed and we have been fortunate enough to finalize on the adoption of both our daughter and our son this past November. We feel like we have been called to wrap ourselves around these kids and love them and their families.”
so proper and polite. gag! but alas, i will sign so they can use our story for other hopeful foster parents.
bwahahahahahahaha! i'm pretty sure i will never be selected to be a writer for focus for many reasons. i use the word "stirrups" when explaining why infertility treatments weren't for us. and i'm rather straightforward in my writing style. and i'm pretty sure focus cares if they offend people in their pamphlets and information. uuuuum we don't share the same writing philosophies. i figure if someone wants to read my opinion i can give my opinion. must not work the same for non-profit-bible-based organizations who have hundreds of people waiting to rip them to pieces.
just for kicks i'll give you the short focus version of our story...does this even SOUND like me???
“We had already filled out our international adoption application when some friends mentioned the Wait No More conference. We were not expecting it to be about adoption from foster care. The conference helped me see that every child needs the love of a family. By the time the last speaker spoke I was in tears and my husband was silent. We looked at each other and said "This is it." Three years have passed and we have been fortunate enough to finalize on the adoption of both our daughter and our son this past November. We feel like we have been called to wrap ourselves around these kids and love them and their families.”
so proper and polite. gag! but alas, i will sign so they can use our story for other hopeful foster parents.
Monday, May 16, 2011
top 10 things i wish people knew about me when i'm using WIC checks
1. wic checks and food stamps are 2 totally different things.
2. actually, yes, i am married to a mexican. just as much as i'm married to an american.
3. i love my "effin' half breeds" as much as you love your little wasps.
4. i get wic checks until my kids are 5 years old wether my husband makes $100 a year or $100,000 a year. if you've got a problem with it you can adopt your own child from foster care.
5. i will not apologize for choosing to adopt through foster care because of all the assistance that comes with them.
6. i bought these pants from a goodwill store in florida 3 years ago, these shoes are from target 5 years ago and my shirt is so old i have to wash it every time i wear it and yes, i'm wearing deodorant.
7. i don't buy the kroger brand because i'm so poor, i buy it because i'm so frugal and i found out i love kroger brand of everything.
8. i can hear you huffing and puffing when you see me give the wic check to the cashier.
9. i quit a job making more than i ever thought i'd make to take care of my babies, i did not have babies so i could live off the system. if you only knew my struggle just to get here you'd realize what a jerk you're being.
10. i know you're judging me because you are ignorant and that is why i am not screaming 1-9 at you. it's not your fault you have these thoughts about people using wic. there are a lot of people who do abuse the system, i just happen to not be one of them.
2. actually, yes, i am married to a mexican. just as much as i'm married to an american.
3. i love my "effin' half breeds" as much as you love your little wasps.
4. i get wic checks until my kids are 5 years old wether my husband makes $100 a year or $100,000 a year. if you've got a problem with it you can adopt your own child from foster care.
5. i will not apologize for choosing to adopt through foster care because of all the assistance that comes with them.
6. i bought these pants from a goodwill store in florida 3 years ago, these shoes are from target 5 years ago and my shirt is so old i have to wash it every time i wear it and yes, i'm wearing deodorant.
7. i don't buy the kroger brand because i'm so poor, i buy it because i'm so frugal and i found out i love kroger brand of everything.
8. i can hear you huffing and puffing when you see me give the wic check to the cashier.
9. i quit a job making more than i ever thought i'd make to take care of my babies, i did not have babies so i could live off the system. if you only knew my struggle just to get here you'd realize what a jerk you're being.
10. i know you're judging me because you are ignorant and that is why i am not screaming 1-9 at you. it's not your fault you have these thoughts about people using wic. there are a lot of people who do abuse the system, i just happen to not be one of them.
Friday, May 13, 2011
the most tactful response ever
today i went to the park with my friend suzanne and baby g. and there was a woman there with blonde hair and her dark as night adopted child from africa. it was clear that she wasn't the birth mom because even if the birth dad were the darkest skinned man on earth it would be genetically impossible to have this dark of a child and be her birth mom. which, of course, leads to questions. which usually leads to more questions. and anyone that makes eye contact is then forced into the Q and A session of this baby's origin and then *gasp* a nosy nelly mom did it. she asked the dreaded question to all adoptive parents. we all know it's coming but most people with a shred of tact stop themselves short before asking "so...do you know her story?"
ok..this would be equivalent to me walking up to your best friend, with you standing there, and ask what the most painful/humiliating/rip the bandaid off moment has ever been in your life. i will only say this once: IT IS NONE OF YOUR FREAKING BUSINESS!!! if you want to know "someone's story" adopt a child yourself and know that child's story. if that doesn't clear it up for you it would be equivalent to me grilling you on the night of conception of your birth child. do you want to share that intimate moment? probably not. does it matter if you were doing it missionary or doggie? again no. NONE OF MY FRIGGIN' BUSINESS.
so next time you are at the park, or at the store, or at story time at the library and someone walks in with a child you suspect might have been adopted why don't you open with how your child was conceived instead of starting with how their child came into their family.
suzanne and i were both very impressed with the woman's response. as you can tell mine would not ever qualify for the most tactful response ever. hers was simply this: "we do know her story, and we want her to be the first one to hear it." and upon hearing that i wanted to be her best friend. as we all know, i could use a little more tact.
ok..this would be equivalent to me walking up to your best friend, with you standing there, and ask what the most painful/humiliating/rip the bandaid off moment has ever been in your life. i will only say this once: IT IS NONE OF YOUR FREAKING BUSINESS!!! if you want to know "someone's story" adopt a child yourself and know that child's story. if that doesn't clear it up for you it would be equivalent to me grilling you on the night of conception of your birth child. do you want to share that intimate moment? probably not. does it matter if you were doing it missionary or doggie? again no. NONE OF MY FRIGGIN' BUSINESS.
so next time you are at the park, or at the store, or at story time at the library and someone walks in with a child you suspect might have been adopted why don't you open with how your child was conceived instead of starting with how their child came into their family.
suzanne and i were both very impressed with the woman's response. as you can tell mine would not ever qualify for the most tactful response ever. hers was simply this: "we do know her story, and we want her to be the first one to hear it." and upon hearing that i wanted to be her best friend. as we all know, i could use a little more tact.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
mother's day.....blech!
in the past i have hated mother's day. don't get me wrong, i don't hate my mother. i love my mother. she's funny and adventurous and she taught me the best there is to know about teasing. after all she was a little sister. it's just that in years past i'd been anticipating mother's day since the dreaded christmas season. being childless and having nothing but tumbleweeds in your belly makes the holidays the worst time to be alive! and for some reason we need a holiday every month! thanksgiving, christmas, new years, valentines, st. patty's day, easter, mother's day, memorial day, father's day, fourth of july, august is holiday free-other than going back to school, labor day, halloween...did i miss one? everyone else wrapping presents/making costumes/decorating eggs for or with their kids and getting gifts from their kids months and months of endless holidays surrounding kids in a vicious cycle. i hated it. so last year when we had both kids, but they weren't officially ours yet, we were afraid. i was afraid. i didn't even want to pretend the holiday existed. so, we didn't. paul took a harley ride with some friends and i stayed holed up in the house with the kids like hostages. we haven't been to church in years on mother's day. i HATE when churches hand out carnations at the door by well-meaning children from the church asking each woman "are you a mother?" i mean really...IS there a more painful question for a woman struggling through infertility? no. not. at. all!
so this year i was determined to jump in with both feet. not look back. no feeling sorry for myself. no pitty party. i want gifts from paul and the kids and to be treated like a princess all day long. not have to lift a finger or change diaper. it's gonna be MY DAY!
well, i've already been in tears three times. WHY? i don't get it. this is a happy year. it's finally my turn to celebrate mother's day. no pitty parties. NONE! *sigh*
stupid mother's day. i WILL learn to celebrate this day dammit!!
so this year i was determined to jump in with both feet. not look back. no feeling sorry for myself. no pitty party. i want gifts from paul and the kids and to be treated like a princess all day long. not have to lift a finger or change diaper. it's gonna be MY DAY!
well, i've already been in tears three times. WHY? i don't get it. this is a happy year. it's finally my turn to celebrate mother's day. no pitty parties. NONE! *sigh*
stupid mother's day. i WILL learn to celebrate this day dammit!!
Monday, May 2, 2011
she knows i love her!!!!
i tell karyssa all the time that i love her more than any other little girl in the whole wide world. and then i ask "did you know that?" and she ignores me.
well tonight i said it again (for probably the third time today) and then she did her normal ignoring and change the subject thing and i said "karyssa, don't ignore me...." and she stopped, looked right into my eyes and shook her head yes.
for the first time ever!
she KNOWS i love her! she KNOWS!!
*sigh* i cried.
well tonight i said it again (for probably the third time today) and then she did her normal ignoring and change the subject thing and i said "karyssa, don't ignore me...." and she stopped, looked right into my eyes and shook her head yes.
for the first time ever!
she KNOWS i love her! she KNOWS!!
*sigh* i cried.
more on why open adoption sucks.....at least today.
today my case worker was by and mentioned that her son was terminally ill. i asked if he was one of her biological children or adopted children and she clarified and said "not that it matters" and sort of waved her hand in the air as if she were shooing away a fly. and i thought for a minute...why did that question come to mind? and i realized why.
because in his last days, if he were one of her adopted children, i would assume that she would feel the need to share him since i have been encouraged by the county to have an open adoption with my own children's birth families.
if one of my children were sick i would feel like i would need to share, in some sense, their last days with birth family. i might need to mention that her son is a grown man...it's not like he's 7.
and in a way, i feel duped. infuriated. led astray. if I have to share MY babies...why would she not have to share HER babies? after all, she IS the one who encouraged me that an open adoption is the way to go.
and all over again i question our decision to share. to have an open adoption. to let the birth family back in after they had been shut out by the same people that suggested that i share them.
hmph. and you can guaranty i'll be talking to paul about THIS when he gets home.
because in his last days, if he were one of her adopted children, i would assume that she would feel the need to share him since i have been encouraged by the county to have an open adoption with my own children's birth families.
if one of my children were sick i would feel like i would need to share, in some sense, their last days with birth family. i might need to mention that her son is a grown man...it's not like he's 7.
and in a way, i feel duped. infuriated. led astray. if I have to share MY babies...why would she not have to share HER babies? after all, she IS the one who encouraged me that an open adoption is the way to go.
and all over again i question our decision to share. to have an open adoption. to let the birth family back in after they had been shut out by the same people that suggested that i share them.
hmph. and you can guaranty i'll be talking to paul about THIS when he gets home.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
do you ever get over adoption?
i know it's only been 5 months and 7 days since we finalized the kids' adoptions, but who's counting?
yesterday i had to explain that the kids are adopted twice. and both times i said "i don't know, we adopted!" but not in an eeyore kind of way, more like a tigger kind of way. once at immunizations and once again at a sleep study at children's hospital. hopefully the last time we will have to spend an overnight down there for a long time. forever, if i could chose.
every time i explain missing medical information and the fact that he's adopted i feel like i'm explaining how lightning struck us. not once, but twice. perfect, effervescent, life changing lightning strikes. i still can't get over how perfect they are. how perfect they are for us. how MUCH like us they are. not just in looks but goodness sakes karyssa couldn't be more like me if she had a handbook! i know what she's thinking before she does it. i know why she's reacting the way she's reacting. i know what each and every look and glare and giggle means. i love every fiber of her being. and asher...my son whose name means "he makes his mother happy" could not live up to his name any farther. he has brought our family to completion. as i laid in bed watching him last night i just can't help but think how lucky i am to be his mom. then when he couldn't sleep and the sleep study nurse decided to put us in a bed together and we got to snuggle together for the rest of the night. i loved it! the nurse didn't. at 2am she came in and told us if he didn't fall asleep soon there wouldn't be time to get enough data for the study and we'd have to redo it. i keep thinking that maybe tomorrow i'll get over it. it'll be nothing to me. sure, they're adopted, what of it? but so far it hasn't happened. i wake up and think they're adopted! they're mine forever and ever. they'll never be rid of me no matter how hard they try. they're tethered to me and i to them, and i'll never get over it!
here's a couple pictures from the sleep study. it was not easy to get all those plugs on his head but it was even worse getting them back off this morning. his hair is about a day from dreads with all that goop in it.
yesterday i had to explain that the kids are adopted twice. and both times i said "i don't know, we adopted!" but not in an eeyore kind of way, more like a tigger kind of way. once at immunizations and once again at a sleep study at children's hospital. hopefully the last time we will have to spend an overnight down there for a long time. forever, if i could chose.
every time i explain missing medical information and the fact that he's adopted i feel like i'm explaining how lightning struck us. not once, but twice. perfect, effervescent, life changing lightning strikes. i still can't get over how perfect they are. how perfect they are for us. how MUCH like us they are. not just in looks but goodness sakes karyssa couldn't be more like me if she had a handbook! i know what she's thinking before she does it. i know why she's reacting the way she's reacting. i know what each and every look and glare and giggle means. i love every fiber of her being. and asher...my son whose name means "he makes his mother happy" could not live up to his name any farther. he has brought our family to completion. as i laid in bed watching him last night i just can't help but think how lucky i am to be his mom. then when he couldn't sleep and the sleep study nurse decided to put us in a bed together and we got to snuggle together for the rest of the night. i loved it! the nurse didn't. at 2am she came in and told us if he didn't fall asleep soon there wouldn't be time to get enough data for the study and we'd have to redo it. i keep thinking that maybe tomorrow i'll get over it. it'll be nothing to me. sure, they're adopted, what of it? but so far it hasn't happened. i wake up and think they're adopted! they're mine forever and ever. they'll never be rid of me no matter how hard they try. they're tethered to me and i to them, and i'll never get over it!
here's a couple pictures from the sleep study. it was not easy to get all those plugs on his head but it was even worse getting them back off this morning. his hair is about a day from dreads with all that goop in it.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
seriously god...that was weird.
today i made my grocery list and waited for karyssa to wake up from her nap to go shopping. she loves to go as much as i do so i figured i'd get her out of the house this afternoon. but when it was time to put on shoes she was SURE nothing would do but the light up crocs. thanks alot mimi! they don't stay on her feet well so i told her she could wear her brown shoes or her ballerina shoes, but not crocs. seriously-getting crocs off that girls feet once her mind is made up is so impossible most days it's not even worth it. but today i knew she'd want to walk all the way through walmart so i insisted. finally i told her if she didn't pick one of the other pairs she was going to just stay home. and with that she crawled up on paul's lap and started watching a video about reseeding lawns. with out a fuss from her, i left the house. weird. she almost always fusses to go but not this time.
as i was checking out i realized i had gotten the wrong peanut butter so i went back to get the right one. on my way back to the peanut butter i saw someone who looked so much like the kids' birth dad from the back. then on my way back i realized the guy who looked so much like our birth dad from the back was with someone who looked just like our birth mom from the front. *gasp* i scurried back to my check out lane and handed over the peanut butter. then our birth dad scurried up to the lane too. he stood at the end of the isle for a brief second trying to decide if it was me and then looking disappointed that i didn't have either of the kids with me. i said "hi!" and he came towards me so i gave him a hug. what, exactly, i'm supposed to do i still haven't figured out. as my friend says "it's not like emily post has quite written a chapter for this." and she's right. there's no protocol. every "open adoption" is different. and although ours is open, as in: we send pictures and letters a few times a year and meet with grandparents a couple times a year. it's not open as in: they know our last name and where we live and see the kids whenever they want to. in fact, we're still deciding what, if any, contact we want to have with the birth parents. that's a decision we feel is for the kids to make. and until they are old enough to tell us they want to or don't want to we don't feel that's something we want to push onto them.
we chatted about some photos i'd recently sent and he asked if the email address i had given him was working yet. and after a minute (it felt like forever since my heart had stopped beating when he came to my isle) we parted ways and i waved to our birth mom. she didn't come towards me and i didn't want to push her. she didn't talk at all, and i didn't want to force her.
but then she smiled at me. SHE SMILED AT ME! the woman (girl really) that didn't show up to any of our face to face meetings, the girl i've only seen in pictures or from the back of the head in court smiled at me. so i have to know she's as happy to be kid-free as i am happy to not be kid-free. so maybe down the road, just maybe, i'll figure out this open adoption thing. until then seriously god, that was weird. i need a little more warning.
as i was checking out i realized i had gotten the wrong peanut butter so i went back to get the right one. on my way back to the peanut butter i saw someone who looked so much like the kids' birth dad from the back. then on my way back i realized the guy who looked so much like our birth dad from the back was with someone who looked just like our birth mom from the front. *gasp* i scurried back to my check out lane and handed over the peanut butter. then our birth dad scurried up to the lane too. he stood at the end of the isle for a brief second trying to decide if it was me and then looking disappointed that i didn't have either of the kids with me. i said "hi!" and he came towards me so i gave him a hug. what, exactly, i'm supposed to do i still haven't figured out. as my friend says "it's not like emily post has quite written a chapter for this." and she's right. there's no protocol. every "open adoption" is different. and although ours is open, as in: we send pictures and letters a few times a year and meet with grandparents a couple times a year. it's not open as in: they know our last name and where we live and see the kids whenever they want to. in fact, we're still deciding what, if any, contact we want to have with the birth parents. that's a decision we feel is for the kids to make. and until they are old enough to tell us they want to or don't want to we don't feel that's something we want to push onto them.
we chatted about some photos i'd recently sent and he asked if the email address i had given him was working yet. and after a minute (it felt like forever since my heart had stopped beating when he came to my isle) we parted ways and i waved to our birth mom. she didn't come towards me and i didn't want to push her. she didn't talk at all, and i didn't want to force her.
but then she smiled at me. SHE SMILED AT ME! the woman (girl really) that didn't show up to any of our face to face meetings, the girl i've only seen in pictures or from the back of the head in court smiled at me. so i have to know she's as happy to be kid-free as i am happy to not be kid-free. so maybe down the road, just maybe, i'll figure out this open adoption thing. until then seriously god, that was weird. i need a little more warning.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
this little boy of mine...
oh how i love him! i remember thinking "how am i ever gonna love another as much as i love karyssa? she's so perfect!" well, let me tell you, i can. he's started shaking his head yes when we ask him questions and it really is when he means yes. i love the way he double fists it with passies. if he's sucking on one and finds another he picks it up and tries to shove it in piggy backed until he realizes it might be easier to take the first one out. then when he gets the 2nd in his mouth and discovers there's yet another passie (the first one) he keeps putting them in and taking out the other until he decides which one is better and drops one and goes on about his business. it is SO funny!
he's gotten so opinionated in his old age. he wants everything karyssa has. it used to be that she could have a balloon, or a mechanical horse ride at the store, or a snack or a sippie with out asher even noticing. now he's all about it. if she has it, surely he needs one too. and if you pick him up to redirect him from something he can put on a cry that's oscar worthy. he's always shown his frustrations by taking his hands with his fingers fanned out and shaking his flat hands from his knees to his ears-that's cute too-even though he's trying to be mad.
he's getting his 4 top front teeth right now so he's kind of cranky, but when he forgets about his teeth he is the happiest baby on the planet. smiles and laughs ALL day long. it's so refreshing to be around him.
i love the way he wanders around the house looking for the next great thing. he has the cutest little baby hips. i love the way the fronts of his thighs stick out to the sides. and how tiny they make his butt look when he's in the tub.
and i LOVE the way he growls. he does it when he's laughing and it. is. so. cute!
he's all boy. it's so amazing to see the differences from karyssa, and yet so many similarities too. as he got nearer to that 13 month 2 day mark that karyssa was when we brought her home it became more real to us how much she had been through. and now that he's past it and doing so many things that she couldn't at that age we realize how blessed we are and how lucky he is that we were able to get him at just 1 day old. i miss the 36 hours we missed with him before he came home...but i'm so glad to have had those 13 months and 1 day more than we had for karyssa. and in that way, she will always hold a special place in my heart. i will always grieve those 13 months and 2 days.
he amazes me every day!!! and i am so lucky, and i know it, to be able to call him my son.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
double kids=quadruple work!!
sorry i haven't blogged in a long while. i can explain 23 days of it.
we got a placement call and i called back just to say "sorry, we can't because we don't have a big enough house." they quickly shot that down so i came back with "we don't have a big enough car for 4 carseats." (yes-the two they wanted us to take were in carseats plus our two in carseats equals 4 carseats in a honda civic. i don't think so.) they offered to get us a van. i asked "seriously?!?" that's when it hit me. they wouldn't have called me if they weren't serious. and i quickly learned a very hard lesson....that lesson then took an additional 23 days to pound into my head: never EVER say "maybe" to a case worker.
i called paul, he said he didn't mind. as long as we weren't a long term option i told them we could do it for a couple days while they find a long term foster home. a couple days came and went. a week came and went. 13 days came and went. we found a family. we visited with them. they were amazing. had an amazing house. amazing playroom. amazing bedroom setup. sort of. long story.
theeeeeen the woman started asking me strange questions about the kids. and she kept commenting how they looked more like me and paul than her family. then she asked me if diarrhea was a mexican thing. *record scratch* what the hell? then i started adding up all of the other comments she had made to me. and i realized we had a problem. a big problem. i called my case worker, knowing full well if i put the brakes on it would mean we would have the kids for a couple more days. [cue laugh track]
well, we had them for a couple more days for sure. 23 days in all before we were able to transition them to their (hopefully) forever home. they are with an amazing couple that has no other kids. which means they will be pouring in tons and TONS of love. which is exactly what they need.
all in all 4 kids 2 and under was hard. MUCH harder than i ever imagined. but if i had it all to do over again i would do it in a heartbeat for those boys. they were amazing. i loved having them here. in a different way than i love karyssa and asher, but love nonetheless. we're up for recertification and we're having a hard time deciding what we want our role to be with the county. we love our kids. we are perfectly happy if they are it forever and ever. we kind of hope they are...but if they came up with another sibling we'd do it. just not sure we want to start with another birth family. see post below.
that being said, i think we've celebrated being a family of four again about 3 times since the boys moved.
we got a placement call and i called back just to say "sorry, we can't because we don't have a big enough house." they quickly shot that down so i came back with "we don't have a big enough car for 4 carseats." (yes-the two they wanted us to take were in carseats plus our two in carseats equals 4 carseats in a honda civic. i don't think so.) they offered to get us a van. i asked "seriously?!?" that's when it hit me. they wouldn't have called me if they weren't serious. and i quickly learned a very hard lesson....that lesson then took an additional 23 days to pound into my head: never EVER say "maybe" to a case worker.
i called paul, he said he didn't mind. as long as we weren't a long term option i told them we could do it for a couple days while they find a long term foster home. a couple days came and went. a week came and went. 13 days came and went. we found a family. we visited with them. they were amazing. had an amazing house. amazing playroom. amazing bedroom setup. sort of. long story.
theeeeeen the woman started asking me strange questions about the kids. and she kept commenting how they looked more like me and paul than her family. then she asked me if diarrhea was a mexican thing. *record scratch* what the hell? then i started adding up all of the other comments she had made to me. and i realized we had a problem. a big problem. i called my case worker, knowing full well if i put the brakes on it would mean we would have the kids for a couple more days. [cue laugh track]
well, we had them for a couple more days for sure. 23 days in all before we were able to transition them to their (hopefully) forever home. they are with an amazing couple that has no other kids. which means they will be pouring in tons and TONS of love. which is exactly what they need.
all in all 4 kids 2 and under was hard. MUCH harder than i ever imagined. but if i had it all to do over again i would do it in a heartbeat for those boys. they were amazing. i loved having them here. in a different way than i love karyssa and asher, but love nonetheless. we're up for recertification and we're having a hard time deciding what we want our role to be with the county. we love our kids. we are perfectly happy if they are it forever and ever. we kind of hope they are...but if they came up with another sibling we'd do it. just not sure we want to start with another birth family. see post below.
that being said, i think we've celebrated being a family of four again about 3 times since the boys moved.
open adoption...what it means and how it's working.....for us
ok. so it sucks.
there are times where it warms my heart.
but for the most part it still sucks.
i try not to feel this way. for my kids. for their birth family. for the connection that some day they might want to have or might regret me for forming on behalf of them when they were still this young.
we met with abuelo and step-abuela the other night. they are sweet. they are trying. we are trying. it's like an awkward blind date that just doesn't end. i'm not sure at what point i will look forward to our visits. or tell them our last name. or admit that we now call asher by his middle name that we gave him, and not the name their daughter gave him. or even tell them what side of town we live on.
there are moments when we think we don't want to have this relationship with the grandparents. we want to have it with birth-dad. but he's not an option. and i think as much as i feel this way about the grandparents what if i get into a relationship with dad and regret that we ever had that desire? *sigh*
so anyway. we met again. asher has no reaction to them, good or bad. to him they are just some couple we eat a meal with a couple times a year. karyssa wasn't so sure about them in the beginning. i told her before we went who we were going to see and that if she was uncomfortable she could go and play in the playland. she snuggled close to me for dinner and then went to play and quickly warmed up knowing there was a piece of glass between her and them. after a few rounds of peek-a-boo she came out of the playland, climbed over step-abuela's lap and hopped onto abuelo's lap and checked him out without making eye contact. i think she could remember them...but i think she wasn't sure where she remembered them from. abuelo beamed from start to finish again.right up to the part where they opened the trunk of their car to "get [asher's] baby blanket" and there sat, in all it's childhood royalty, karyssa's first bike. bright pink and purple and shiny brand new. step-abuela told me "i told him it was too big for her but he really wanted to buy it for her." karyssa loved it. it had to sleep in her room with her the first night. she can barely reach the pedals but when she leans to actually pedal them she tips the bike over. but she loves it nonetheless. she also got crocs which she has worn every day since.
i love that she loves these gifts. i think it's the actual gift more than the gifter that she's in love with. but still...it's the little part that warms my heart. it's the little part that makes me feel like we're doing the right thing for the long run.
time will tell. i hope time will be kind to us.
there are times where it warms my heart.
but for the most part it still sucks.
i try not to feel this way. for my kids. for their birth family. for the connection that some day they might want to have or might regret me for forming on behalf of them when they were still this young.
we met with abuelo and step-abuela the other night. they are sweet. they are trying. we are trying. it's like an awkward blind date that just doesn't end. i'm not sure at what point i will look forward to our visits. or tell them our last name. or admit that we now call asher by his middle name that we gave him, and not the name their daughter gave him. or even tell them what side of town we live on.
there are moments when we think we don't want to have this relationship with the grandparents. we want to have it with birth-dad. but he's not an option. and i think as much as i feel this way about the grandparents what if i get into a relationship with dad and regret that we ever had that desire? *sigh*
so anyway. we met again. asher has no reaction to them, good or bad. to him they are just some couple we eat a meal with a couple times a year. karyssa wasn't so sure about them in the beginning. i told her before we went who we were going to see and that if she was uncomfortable she could go and play in the playland. she snuggled close to me for dinner and then went to play and quickly warmed up knowing there was a piece of glass between her and them. after a few rounds of peek-a-boo she came out of the playland, climbed over step-abuela's lap and hopped onto abuelo's lap and checked him out without making eye contact. i think she could remember them...but i think she wasn't sure where she remembered them from. abuelo beamed from start to finish again.right up to the part where they opened the trunk of their car to "get [asher's] baby blanket" and there sat, in all it's childhood royalty, karyssa's first bike. bright pink and purple and shiny brand new. step-abuela told me "i told him it was too big for her but he really wanted to buy it for her." karyssa loved it. it had to sleep in her room with her the first night. she can barely reach the pedals but when she leans to actually pedal them she tips the bike over. but she loves it nonetheless. she also got crocs which she has worn every day since.
i love that she loves these gifts. i think it's the actual gift more than the gifter that she's in love with. but still...it's the little part that warms my heart. it's the little part that makes me feel like we're doing the right thing for the long run.
time will tell. i hope time will be kind to us.
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