and then we were 6

about a week ago i chatted paul to see if he'd ever in a million years consider a westie-poo puppy i saw advertised through a friend of a friend on facebook. he said YES! but no sooner did he say yes than i realized the posting was 2 weeks old and the puppy was gone. so i called the humane society...i figured while the answer was yes, i'd just consider all the options. i told them "my husband and i always like westies...do you ever have dogs in that aren't on the website?" and she said "i've worked here for 4 years and i've seen MAYBE 2 westies come through." long pause and then in a hushed voice she said "but we just happen to have one under anesthesia right now. he came in as a stray from santa fe yesterday and he got nuetered today." after talking she said i could wait for his picture to come up on the website or i could put a $15 deposit on him and they could hold him for us to come see him.
i went down to see him and i didn't instantly fall in love. i just couldn't picture my house with another dog, a dog i knew nothing about, in it. but he was cute. he reminded me of my sister's dog who just passed away this last year and he was an amazing dog. because of his surgery we couldn't see him beyond just looking into his cage at the humane society. the next morning i took asher and tatum back down there. they brought him out and he played really well with asher. REALLY well. the thing you have to know about asher is that he is NOT good with pets, especially pets that have hair long enough to grab into a fisthold. it makes me so mad. i HATE when he's mean to the dogs. but we've been shouting "GENTLE HANDS! GENTLE HANDS!" when we can see it coming. and he did gentle hands with this new dog! with out being prompted. then they brought tatum out and she stood still and cold as a cucumber. she tightened every muscle in her body as if to say "how dArE you???" then we let them off leashes and she nipped him a couple good times, he gave her a play bow and let her take the alpha role and then they played like they've been missing each other for years. i've been wanting to get a dog for tatum for a couple years now. she's gotten more and more timid as she gets older and everyone i described her behavior to said "she needs a dog!" that night paul came to meet him and agreed that he was game if i was game. and so we named him gilligan and brought him home. here's a picture i took that night.

and here's what he looks like a week later after a good scrubbing and WAY more comfortable.

he has been so funny to have around. they guessed his age as 1 year and i think they are pretty close. he still chews alot so i know there's alooooot of puppy left in him. but he sleeps all day too (hopefully that doesn't mean he's growing!). i got him a BIG bag of bones last night and he's already eaten 2 of them. he's such a great playmate for tatum. he's shedding which i am NOT a fan of but i need to bathe him really good and it's spring. he's a wire haired dog so that should stop. he comes to his name and obeys some commands...not all. he can NOT figure out sit but i'm hoping tatum will show him the ropes with that one. karyssa has claimed him as her dog and after the first night when the shedding began paul said "well, it's up to you...i mean...i think he's cute but ...." so i guess it's a done deal. paul is hooked. he comes home and gets right down on gilligan's level and coos and greets him. gilligan has a little doll that he keeps pulling out of the toybox. he does it so gingerly and never chews on it...just snuggles it. he pulls the pillows down on the floor because he's learned he is not allowed on the futon even though tatum is. if i leave a blanket on there he'll pull that down too. and when he gets scolded he smiles. no lie. i wish i could get a picture of it. he pulls his lips back so that all that shows is just the very tips of every single tooth. it is adorable and makes me giggle even when i'm scolding him. if i forget to feed him breakfast he will help himself to ours if i don't clear the table right away. he's getting cuter and cuter every day and i am slowly falling more in love with him. he's gonna be a good dog...i just have to get over the part where there's actually two dogs in my house!

continued backlash and more proof for liberating decisions

this morning i told karyssa we were going to mcdonald's to play with kaden, mason, noah and isabelle. and karyssa said "i don't want it." which means she didn't want to. i said "don't you like playing with isabelle?" and after prodding i said "does she touch you funny?" and she said yes and i asked where. she pointed to her head. *roll eyes* i said "does she say mean things?" and she said yes, i asked "and what does she say?" "sorry". ok...pretty sure at this point this entire charade is made up to avoid going to mcdonald's when it hit me...the last time we went there we met step-grandma and grandpa.

eventually she went anyway and we played and got lunch and came home. then i put the kids down for naptime aka quiet time because "we don't want it" for "naptime" either. she started sobbing. odd but not totally out of the ordinary. i left the room and came downstairs to tidy up and she was still sobbing. i went back up there and said "sweetie, what's wrong?" and she pointed to her sippy cup that she had thrown to the end of the bed. i got it for her and sat on the edge of the bed and said "i've been wanting to talk to you. did you not want to go to mcdonald's today because you were afraid step-grandma and grandpa would be there?" and she shook her head yes. i choked up and said "you know what....we're not going to see them again either. is that ok?" and she shook her head yes. "you don't ever have to see them again. and some day if you want to you just let me know. it might not be this year or until you're 18 or never...but if you ever want to see them again you let me know. ok? and if you never want to see them again that's ok too." and with that she calmed down and fell asleep.

in her mind they all had a chance to protect her and didn't. and she knows their only job was to protect her and they failed at that. i know meeting with birth dad gave her closure. i think she was starting to believe all of that was a bad dream from a past life or something and seeing him made her realize it was real. it WAS her life. it DID happen to her. and i think in her own way when she crawled up in his lap she was forgiving him in a sense, but she hasn't forgotten that he didn't do the one job he was given as a father. and even though she can forgive, she doesn't have to forget. and i don't want her to feel like that's a bad thing or that she's holding a grudge. she needs to learn to protect herself. and if forgiving but not forgetting helps her protect herself and speak up for herself in a way, than so be it. i couldn't be prouder of her for finally finding her voice. aaaaaand i'd be lying if i didn't say that it makes me glad to have more proof for our liberating decisions below.

liberating decisions!!!!

ok. so. i mentioned yesterday about us having birth family drama going on and i'm ready to share.

we have been trying to have an open adoption. we've been encouraged (polite word for: pushed) to do this and so we tried. this is the first time we've done this whole adoption thing so we figured we'd follow the professional advice.

well, i will tell you after a year of trying their advice sucks and it's not a one-size-fits-all answer.

i've gotten a couple emails from the kids step-grandma...yes...STEP-grandma and i ignored them. i was sort of hoping that they would forget and stop writing. teehee. bad plan. we finally met a couple weeks ago and i was amazed at how much they favored asher and didn't acknowledge karyssa. they asked ME questions ABOUT her but didn't ask HER any questions. red flag. and they didn't just ask "so...what is she into these days?" they asked "is she potty trained?" "can she talk yet?" WTF? you were sitting RIGHT HERE when she said "mommy, i've gotta go potty." 2 birds with 1 stone. seriously.

then the accidents started up again. no poop in the potty. it used to be food and now she has a new power.

ok...here's the clencher...and you're going to gasp but you can't judge me: we met with birth dad and let him see the kids again for the first time in 18 months. it was a. tear. JERKER! we met at a local restaurant and we got there first and when he walked in and sat down karyssa took one look and stopped dead in her tracks. i could see the wheels turning. there was practically smoke coming out of her ears from the gears in her head. then he put his hands down and she went to him. she remembered him right away but she couldn't figure out what he was doing there and what was going to happen next...was she coming home with us? would she have to go back with him? ugh. it killed me. he sobbed and sobbed right there in the restaurant. and she got really scared and looked at me and i said, with tears in my eyes "it's ok, honey." he cried for another minute and then said "thank you so much, you guys. this really means a lot to me." after that karyssa warmed up and sat on his lap until the food came! she opened her presents and he helped her put on some play earrings he had gotten her. at the end he picked up asher and looked him over. he couldn't believe how big he had gotten and that he was walking. it was a good visit. the man from the table next to us said "you have beautiful children" and while i sat their trying to figure out how this was going to play out both paul and daddy ******* said "thank you." i'm sure he thought i was a surrogate.

afterwards paul and i had some new unexpected feelings. i guess we'd never realized before that she'd bonded. with anyone. so in a way it was a relief that she HAD bonded and we can mark Reactive Attachment Disorder off our list of things to worry about in her future. but it also made us realize, before she was ours, she was someone else's. we hadn't considered that with either kid and it was actually easier to deal with with asher because he hadn't bonded with anyone else before. he was a day old when he came straight from the hospital. he didn't know birth dad. in his mind this man belonged to karyssa but he had nothing to do with him and who he was. i've realized a lot of things about that meeting. i've realized, with all my adopted family, i never thought about who their birth parents were, or what they looked like, or how they were doing with the fact that somewhere out there they had a baby that was adopted to another family. they were mine. my cousin. my aunt. my 2nd cousin...they were and always had been.

then this last week karyssa started having LOTS of accidents. PEE accidents! she hasn't had a pee accident in a LONG time. and she might as well just be in a diaper 100% of the time for naptime, which is typically finished off with a nice poop. (sorry-tmi) so finally i realized, every day since we had met with her birthdad she had had an accident. finally one morning she came to my bedside with fresh underwear and said "mine are wet." ok-i wanted to cry right then and there. i realized this decision to meet with birthdad, that we meant in the best interest possible for the kids, was the worst thing we ever could have done. i began to wonder how many weeks it was going to take us to get back to square one with potty training. i pulled her up on my bed and said "what did you think about seeing daddy *******?" i wanted it to be open ended so i didn't put feelings in her head. she just sat quiet. i said "did it make you happy, or sad, or anxious?" again no answer. i said "mommy and daddy wanted you to get to see him again because he misses you every day. but i think that was probably not a good decision. we won't go see him ever again. some day when you want to you just tell mommy and we can do that again. but for now, we won't see him again. and it's ok when you are ready to see him again. ok?" and with that she shook her head yes and has peed AND pooped in the potty 100% of the time. not a single accident for days now. and on christmas eve when we went out for breakfast she asked paul to draw a picture of her, then asher, then daddy, then mommy, then....daddy *******. she wants to know he's ok, but she doesn't need to see him to know that. the way the child mind works will always fascinate me.

so for all of you who said "trust your gut" or "they are with you for a reason" or "they are where they are meant to be" you were right. we did the best we could with the situation given to us and realize sometimes the "best interest of the children" cannot be predicted by a social worker who just finished a seminar on connections to the birth family. yes, they will wonder where they came from. yes, they will wonder whose toes they have or who their nose came from. and for those questions we have pictures. for the deeper stuff, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

but for now it just feels liberating to be able to make the decision with facts and proof and wet beds and poopy pants.

the MAGIC of it all!

sorry i haven't posted lately. been dealing with some heavy birth family stuff and was waiting for the silver lining to appear. maybe i'll post later.

BUT today is christmas and that means SANTA....and jesus. it's true. we're christians and that's the #1 reason but when you've waited and waited to have little people to celebrate with it's SO exciting to smother them in gifts. all season long when karyssa would ask for something i would tell her we'd have to tell santa. and when it was finally time to go see santa to tell him her greatest desire was a cinderella castle she said "i'm gonna ask santa for TWO cinderella castle's!!!" i quickly nipped that in the bud and said "we don't want santa to think we're being greedy, so we need to just ask him for one." last night we gave them their pajamas and when she opened her hello kitty pajamas i said "how did santa know? you told him you wanted a cinderella castle but you never said anything about hello kitty!?!" and she said with christmas magic oozing from every pore "he just KNOWS these things." oh my gawd she is so funny!! tonight at dinner she said "let's go to bed again so santa will come again!" again...nipped it in the bud and told her she was going to have to wait 365 days for him to come again.

asher got a paint pad from uncle brock and aunt liz and today when karyssa went to touch it he started screaming "MINE! MINE! MINE!" he also ran laps around the house with his new wheel-barrel full of stocking stuffer toys. after dinner he took off his pajamas and said "potty!" and ran into the bathroom and went a full potty on the potty and then ran out of the bathroom to tell grandma and grandpa who were on the phone. he was SO proud of himself he leaned into the speaker phone and shouted "POTTY!" ugh! i love that little boy and his achievements. he then ran around the house like a naked banchee and i've got to say he really does have the cutest cheeks ever. i think it's the way the front of his thighs stick out so far you can see them from behind. and then get distracted by the sweet cheeks. mmmmm....have i mentioned how much i love these kids?

both kids got strider bikes and wow karyssa is good on it. she can already pull her feet up and glide. asher will sit on it and push himself along so i'm sure it's just a matter of time before he's cruising on it. good thing because i lay awake at night excited about them riding their strider bikes along the trails as i run along with them. UGH! can't wait to get running regularly again. ps-it's my turn to run a marathon next year and i can't WAIT!

aaaaaaaaanyhow...that's all i can remember for today. so glad to finally have little people to smother with christmas magic.

coup for two, please.

tonight paul and i walked out of a restaurant before we even ordered. it was the first time in my life i'd ever done it.
not that i'd been counting down the last 300 minutes until eating out or anything. you see, normally on saturdays we put the kids to bed and have some sort of restaurant lunch while they nap. but we're on a tight budget this month. my friend sarah is keeping me motivated. so today we decided instead of eating out for lunch AND dinner we'd be good and eat left overs for lunch and go out only for dinner. so when we sat down at the mexican restaurant and opened the menu we were both highly disappointed to see "american breakfast" and "burgers" on the menu. paul folded his menu closed only to realize their slogan was "homemade food". not that i'm a bad cook, i'm ok, but when we go out the last thing we want is something "homemade". not to mention the only burrito on the menu was handwritten in! the waitress came and asked if we were ready and i said we needed another minute. she walked away and i said "i just don't feel right ordering a burger from el sabor grande." and he said "let's just pay for our drinks and go." that's when i fell in love with him all over again. this boy knows how i love to eat out. so when he said to just pay for our drinks and go to 3 margaritas like aliens to the mother ship i knew he loved me. *sigh* i handed him the cash and no sooner had i done that i noticed a couple ladies at the next table (the only other occupied table) lean towards each other shaking their heads no saying "mine's not good either." *gasp* time to GO!
paul paid for our $4 soda's (hello!!! way too much!!) and we hustled the kids for the door. i had prepped karyssa "we are going to that restaurant that gives us chips and salsa." to which she gleefully headed out the door with out fuss. she loves to eat out as much as i do so i was afraid to leave with out her understanding there were greener pastures in our near future. i giggled all the way to the car as i watched asher climb back into his carseat. what kind of errand his 20 month old mind must have thought we were running to just have sodas and leave i don't know. (btw-happy 20 month birthday, buddy!!) we drove to another place on south main that we had been wanting to try but when we drove up and saw the menu glowing from the front of the restaurant we knew we still weren't at the mother ship. when i go out sometimes i just want to be served. i don't want my butt to move from my seat until dinner is done. if a drink is spilled i don't want to have to be the person to get up for napkins. we finally realized we needed to go where the craving is always put to rest. 3 margaritas. not just any 3 margaritas. there's a certain one that has a better chef, or better salsa maker, or better magic wand. i'm not sure what it is about this particular location but everything is better there. once we pulled in we knew we were in the right place. the mother ship 3 margaritas. mmmmmm. salsa and chips, spicy mexican food, not white people mexican food. no offense, i'm white...but it's not delicigrosso. that's what we call delicisoso. they actually have spinach and gravy on the menu. separate dishes. excUSE me?? i am not eating in no mexican restaurant with spinach or gravy on the menu.
it was so good we even had desert. 2 deserts. one for us, one for the kids. and gave the waiter a 20% tip. some things just call for splurging! *whew* i feel better tonight.

in totally unrelated good news; the other day my neighbor/new friend told me her daughter has been showing interest in potty training. since i'm still at the tail end of training karyssa the last thing on my mind was training asher so i didn't really take it to heart at all. besides, girls and boys develop at completely different rates and her daughter is a few months older than asher. i was excited for her but that was that. no other interest. but then i noticed every time i put asher in the tub he'd look down at his little manhood and pee. 3 times this last week i had to empty the tub and start all over with baby oil and water. then on wednesday karyssa peed on the potty and asher climbed up there. she gets 5 marshmellows for pooping. as soon as she was handed her dowry asher climbed up on the potty and squirted out a little squirt squirt. i said "yay!!! you get 2 marshmellows buddy!!" he climbed down, ate his marshmellows and climbed back up for a few more squirts. what the what?? so i got just as excited, gave him 2 more marshmellows and thought what a stinker he was that he really can control it. tonight was bath night again. i am done emptying the tub repeatedly so i put him on the potty and said "go potty on the potty, buddy." he squirted a half squirt then i put him in the tub, let him warm up for 5 seconds and stuck him back up on the potty and said it again "potty on the potty" and that little thing went POTTY!!! a full potty!!!! i know this is not exactly potty training but i'm gonna keep doing that for a while. when he realized more marshmellows were on the line he pushed and pushed until a little fart came out. i'll keep you posted what this means for my immediate future but let me tell you, if our diaper budget goes down our 3 margaritas budget is going right up!

i should get a free pass

today was the worst day on record for this momma. asher had a fever yesterday so i couldn't check him into childcare at the rec center when i went to take karyssa to swim lessons. he woke up SUPER late anyway so i brought his cereal in a little snack cup and figured he could just sit on my lap. we got there 5 minutes early and like always i let her play around in the water a little bit. unlike always i was not RIGHT by her side. i told her to stay close to me by the fountains. i kept an eye on her the whole time. i looked down at asher's snack cup, i looked up and she was WAY across the pool. she was bobbing...i thought for a half a second she was ok but then i realized her bobs were getting slower and she was not getting her full head out of water and she was not getting any closer to the edge of the pool. i RAN around the pool towards her. as i got a third of the way there i heard the lifeguard blow her whistle. we got there at the same time but when she lifted karyssa out of the water she was limp. this is when i broke into sobs. i couldn't speak before i got there. i couldn't think fast enough to leave asher with one of the other mom's i sit and talk to twice a week. all i could think was GET TO HER! accidents happen in seconds in the water but with karyssa they happen in nano-seconds. i looked down at asher, or the edge of the pool or something and when i looked up karyssa was fine again. she was alert and breathing. no cpr. i cried and cried. i wanted to take her and just go home but then i don't want to foster a fear of water in her. at this point the head life guard was at the side of the pool to take asher from me while i got a towel for karyssa and the lifeguard carried her back to the edge of the pool. then we had to fill out a form in the lifeguard room and after we were done the head lifeguard asked karyssa if she was ready for swim lessons and took her by the hand out into the water with the other kids. it's such a good thing she did because i still wanted to scoop her up and carry her home and never let her go. the other moms comforted me and told me stories that each one of them had of their kids' near-drowning incident. i know i'm not alone. i know it's not because i wasn't paying attention. the only thing i could have done differently is not let her enter the water to begin with but then, isn't that why we're there at swim lessons??
i'm pretty sure, since i had to deal with infertility, the least god could do is give me a free pass until their 18th birthdays. or give me a pass that says i'll never have to bury my children. when you work so hard for them and have to fight so long isn't that the least he could do? although i'm fairly certain every parent, no matter how you got here, feels the same way. but god, if you're reading...which you may be but you're not a follower *hint*hint*, i'll take my free pass anyway you want to send it. preferably in writing. xo *sigh*

yehdahday

karyssa has been figuring out yesterday, today, tomorrow, the other day, next week, etc.
so i take her to the calendar and i say "see this square? that's yesterday. yesterday we swam. see this square? it's today, today emily is coming" or whatever. so she's been testing it out. she said to paul "tatum got sick the other day." and i was a little shocked. tatum DID get sick and it WAS the other day. not yesterday. it's so hard to explain because i can't say "one sleep, two sleeps" etc because she still takes naps so when she said "the other day" and not just "yesterday" i was excited. she's finally getting it! and her words are coming out more and more. today paul was working on his new shed and was painting some pegboard. karyssa walked in and said "*gasp* you painted. it looks so nice!" HA! she says SO many things that are exactly what i would have said. i looooove that.
asher has figured out zippers. as of 7:30 this morning. i put him to bed in jammies that zipped all the way up and when i went to get him he had taken off his jammies, except for one foot that he couldn't get off, and his diaper. thank GOD it was not a poopy diaper. UGH! then tonight we could not get him to keep his jacket on because it had a zipper. i remember when karyssa figured out zippers and i realized how much freedom i had just lost in that moment. i could no longer just zip her bows, my makeup, backpacks, etc. away because now she could get into them. well, my friends, asher has now arrived at that moment as well. ha. we wait with anticipation for him to make strides towards growing up and then whamo he does and i can't take it back. he's been babbling in sentences and a couple weeks ago i asked karyssa's speech therapist if i could tell friend-emily something with out her telling therapist-emily and it was that i was concerned about his lack of words. well all of a sudden he's started mimicking sentences. it's sooo cute. today he said, clear as a bell, "up up up!" as he was trying to climb into a chair (that he's not supposed to climb but that's beside the point.)
i love getting to be their mommy but even better: i love that i get to stay home with them every day and see every teeny tiny development. it's worth every penny that i don't make.

i wanted you more than you will ever know...

ugh. you're not gonna believe this.
my cousin has recently announced that she's pregnant for the 4th time and it's actually pretty exciting for me. she told me last year that her oldest son, who was moments from making his arrival at the alter at my wedding, told her "you're going to have a girl and you're going to name her cara, with a "c"." so i wasn't surprised to hear they were pregnant again this year.
and she had mentioned that she is already showing, but let's face it. it's her 4th. not THAT big of a surprise. but then yesterday they went to the doctor and the tech said "you're going to have two!" then my cousin said "and what's this spot down here?" uuuummmm....that would be the 3rd!!!
that means she is going to go from 3 kids to 6 kids. SIX KIDS! SIX! 1-2-3-4-5-6!!!!!!!!!
how in the heck is she pregnant with triplets? no drugs. not really trying trying. like charting trying. i guess when i think about "trying" it involves pee sticks and timing and charts and temperatures and doing it just right on the right day and holding your breath and your legs together for the next two weeks so to my knowledge they weren't "trying" and yet....triplets are on their way?! i'm happy for her but HOW is this humanly possible for this to just hApPeN????
*sigh* stupid ovaries. or eggs. or cysts. or gene mutation. or whatever it is exactly that keeps me from conceiving. not that we're "trying" anymore...i'm still way too tired for all that business!

congrats merry & sammy!! i don't say that lightly. love you guys!

and as i waited for the picture on this post to load i heard a *clunk* come from above me. the room karyssa is supposed to be sleeping in. i ran up there to see what mischief she had found and she's laying in bed. huffing and puffing. no sign of mischief other than a drawer pulled out and all the contents crumpled around. so i kissed her good night and went to pull away and she hugged me so tight. we do this thing where i don't pull away and i let her hug me as long as she wants or needs to. then after she had been hugging me for so long i was crying and wondering if someone was going to come looking for me i whispered my favorite line from my favorite children's book: "i wanted you more than you will ever know." she poked at my tears for a while then rolled over to milk the love for all it was worth by lifting her jammies for a back scratch. *snicker* i love that little girl more than she will ever know, no matter how she came to become my daughter.

WHO left me in charge?

today i called my sister on the brink. since we have decided to buy the flip-flop house and not the fix-up house karyssa has been asking to wear underpants again. but she still choses to poop in her pants instead of on the potty even if she's given the opportunity to use the potty 5 minutes before pooping in her pants. it makes me so angry. and i'm not doing well hiding it anymore. so today with poop in her swimsuit i had to drag her into the bathroom and then try to salvage her swimsuit. when it's underpants i throw them away. her brand new swimsuit-i can't do it. this is when i decided i needed to talk to someone who's been down this road before and come out with a potty trained child, girl preferably. we got to talking about when karyssa decided to go back into pants and it really was when we took her to the flip-flop house and told her we were going to buy that house instead of the "blue house". and missy (my sister) said "well, didn't they smoke pot in the blue house?"


"........um. yes. yes they did." with out sharing too much information on karyssa's case, trying to think how to say this tactfully, ........she has smelled pot smoke before and it wasn't in a happy time in her life. there. that's the best way i can think of saying it. and smell is the strongest sense for memories. so everytime we went in that house karyssa's insides froze. and now i feel like the biggest doof for not putting the pieces together quicker. there's no WAY we could have bought that house and had karyssa have any sense of security. i told paul what me and missy put together...ok...what missy put together and we both felt awful that we didn't think of it.

somehow we forget she has a past. in our minds she's ours and she always has been. and i think because so many people tell us "she doesn't remember" or "she was too young" or "it's been too long" that we believe them. but what we have to remember is WE are her parents and WE know she does remember, she's not too young, and forever won't be long enough for her to forget where she comes from. the other night when i was putting her to bed i gave her a hug and whispered "you're my best friend." and she hugged me extra EXTRA long. it's times like that i realize she does get it and she does know where she's come from and what we mean.

and a little part of me gets a little mad at her birth parents for not taking better care of my baby before she came to us.

We HaVe A dAtE!!!!!

i've had a lot on my mind the last couple days since wednesday we decided to put an offer in on the flip-flop house and yesterday we came to agreement and are offically under contract. i am so excited and i'm a bit surprised at myself because we so weren't fans of that house the first time we looked at it. i think it's because i had my heart SO set on the fix-up house. but then with the sewer backing up and going back in there and feeling it's delapidatedness and thinking of all that work and all of our savings depleted the math just didn't add up no matter how hard we tried to force it.
we started questioning ourselves the other night after seeing both houses and i said "if we got the flip-flop house, would we ever look at the fix-up house and wonder what could have been?" we both like the idea of the sweat equity but both firmly answered ourselves with "no." and if we got the fix-up house i think we always would have said "i wonder how much money we would have now if we had bought the flip-flop house." and the math only ends up to be about $150 more. which is odd and amazing considering what we would be giving up for that $150 savings a month.
this morning asher woke up with a tiny cry at 5:30 and then paul's alarm went off and i woke up thinking "what color should we paint asher's room?" heehee. right now it's bright red. santa red. and it has closet rods all the way around the 12' x 12' room. and the closet is all shelves, which is actually pretty usable since he has about 3 things that i hang up and no dresser. BUT the red has got to go. we love that color-our kitchen in florida is currently that color but for a baby's bedroom it's a bit angry. we'll need to take down the clothes rods and patch in the holes and primer it and then....green? vibrant green or calm green? or brown? khaki or chocolate? or blue? slate or baby? but then the foster bedroom is a slate blue color and i LOVE it. our friends brian & christina have a slate blue kitchen and it is the most beautiful color of blue. seriously both paul and i have loved that color since we saw their kitchen and it's the closest i've ever seen to that color since. so it will not change one iota. and karyssa's room is already a pale lavender color which is exactly what we wanted. purple means royalty. which she is. and green means healing, blue means peace and brown means stabilizing but also a lazy person and repressed personality. um...i think brown is out.
and the best part is we don't have to wait months and months for a bank to decide our fate. i am so excited.

in cute kid news: they have been doing the cutest things lately i just have to share. on wednesday i took karyssa to see "how to train your dragon" and numerous times i had to remind karyssa we weren't the only ones in the theater as she was standing in her chair with both fists in the air screaming "WOOHOO!" or "THEY'RE FLYING!! MOMMY!! THEY'RE FLYING!!" and "HE DID IT!!" each at the top of her lungs. but seriously how do you not find joy in that. adorable. love that baby girl. she had so much fun she cried all the way home. last night we went to sears to return a microwave that we had gotten in preparation for the fix-up house and karyssa saw the theater door again. she has a CRAZY memory map in her head. and she began to sob all over again. we went in, did our business and came out and again she recognized where we were and started crying all over again. she is so funny!! here she is in her seat at the theater.

asher is getting so smart. when paul puts his shoes on asher goes to the shoe basket and picks out his shoes. not any random shoes-HIS shoes-and takes them to paul to put on him so he can go with him. aaaaaawweee! he LOVES his daddy. and i mean LOVES him. he's been squealing lately and it is so loud it makes my ears ring. i have sensitive ears anyway but with him squealing all afternoon OMG! i can't handle it. he gets a finger thump on the head but i'm not sure he's connecting "every time i squeal i get thumped on the head" because it's not enough to hurt him, just enough to surprise him out of squealing. love those babies.

and here's just a cute one of the little man doing what the little man does:

it's all my mother's fault.

well, i did it. in case anyone is wondering and you live in the state of colorado elevations credit union has my full endorsement. bellco...could use a little work. and maybe a few more processors or a few less marketers. it took bellco a week and still couldn't do what elevations could do in a day.
that being said, i am now the proud new owner of the volvo and i have to say......i'm LOVING it.
i did cry. and it's all my mother's fault. when we were little she personified EVERYTHING. i have to say she did raise 4 very empathetic children so she must not have gone wrong but seriously have i mentioned i can't even buy a christmas tree?
for real.
we have a fake christmas tree because year after year paul and i would go to the christmas tree lot only for me to leave in tears because of all the trees "that gave their lives to be picked and we weren't chosing it." it is nuts. i am aware. but when we were little my parents would take all 4 of us kids to the christmas tree lots and we would wander around whispering which tree we liked never mentioning the ones we didn't then we'd all climb back in the car choking back tears as my mom talked for all the other trees we didn't pick. she did this to lots of inanimate objects or animals. sometimes she'd get us rolling with laughter talking as if she were a cat. or get us just on the verge of tears talking as if she were a tree, or a park bench, or anything that she thought needed personifying. it is this reason that i had a hard time tonight. but i made out like a champ until we drove away, and i looked over to take one more look at my car and blew it a kiss and broke down into tears.
oh good god. i'm crying right now.
it was such a great car and like i said, i found myself in that car. it held a lot of memories...and even a couple secrets. this afternoon when i was cleaning it out i found a couple tokens from our little clepto foster daughter. oh how i miss her laugh. and the time i was making vegan ice cream for the above daughter and her sister and as soon as i got the tofu ingredients in the ice cream maker it went capoot. into the honda we went to ace to get the ONLY ice cream maker in town. that night it RAINED and RAINED. the next morning, late as usual, me and the 2 girls hopped in the car then hopped OUT of the car screaming "why are my pants wet?!?" we looked up and i realized in my haste to get the ice cream made before the ingredients went bad i had left the sunroof open. and then the most special memory of all: picking karyssa up from the hospital in that car. wrangling the car seat into that car with the case worker, neither one of us having a clue how to install a baby seat, in 95 degree weather in july. *sigh* (asher was brought home by the case worker.)
after i looked over and blew the honda a kiss i cried and cried. but then the light turned green and i took off in my new car that rides like a cloud! my little white cloud!! it's gonna be amazing!! and like my friend juju says "we're gonna make new memories in our cars."
ooo-and i might add my new mother's day bracelet shines beautifully in that car.

the dang camera keeps focusing on my dang freckles! it says karyssa and has her birthstone, then asher and his birthstone, then me, then paul. the stones look BEAUTIFUL together.

2 going on 17...and other bits of news

i took the kids swimming today. it's the 4th time we've gone swimming since i got asher his floatie suit. they both have one. they look ridiculous in them, like i'm terrified of the water. but really it's because they both go full speed ahead in opposite directions. karyssa is FEARLESS in the water. she does summersaults in the tub and i'm not exaggerating. so when i go by myself i put both of them in their little floatie suits. the first time i couldn't take my hands off asher. he just rolled around in the water bobbing with no particular end up. the next time he got that there was a method to the madness. then last week he realized he can keep his head above water and he figured out how to stand up once he fell onto his belly. today he swam. he SWAM for crying out loud. how in the world does a 15 month old figure that out?? i still have to plug my nose (although i don't let the kids see me do it because i don't want them to be cursed with that.) but i let go and he waved his little arms and he kicked his little legs and he GOT to where he was trying to go! if it's straight ahead of him. if it's to the side he tips himself over that way and then floop right onto his back. so we got some work to do but i'm so excited he swam today! i'm determined to take them every week so they will be comfortable in the water.

then i put them in babysitting and worked out myself. i accidentally got on a machine today that looked like an eliptical machine-my favorite-but it worked more like a stairmaster. it was sort of like i ran bleachers for 30 minutes. whoa. won't be doing those again until i'm ready for a butt blaster. last week i made the mistake of swimming only and boy that did not go over well with miss thang. each week i get a little better at this whole process. i got them out of the pool, gave them showers, lotioned them up, gave them snacks (that was my brilliant new idea this week) then took them to babysitting and they both did great! when i went to pick them up the woman that runs the babysitting said "wow she's quite a big girl huh?" and i was like "oh ya, she's going on 17. i'm scared." she said that karyssa was trying to play with the older girls, they were maybe 4 or 5, but they didn't want to play with her because she doesn't talk so they thought she was a baby. and she's tiny too so it's not like size helps her anti-baby appearance. *sigh* gotta work on that speech therapy stuff. not that i want her to be a big girl, but i don't want her to be shunned by other kids because "she's a baby". my poor baby. oops-wait...i mean, my poor big girl. and then we came home and she insisted on making her own PBJ for lunch and she did it! she needed help with the peanut butter but she did the rest herself. i was a little shocked. she's 2 for pete's sake!!

i love those little biscuits. they are my best friends.

oo-and side note-this is kinda random-i came home and my mother's day present was on the front step. although i have been instructed NOT to open it until paul gets home. this is gonna be a long afternoon!!!

the little things i *LOVE* about my son

because karyssa talks she gets posted on the blog so much. some of you might be wondering if i even like asher. and i do. so here are a few of the little things i love about him:

>when he was a baby he had horrible skin which then turned into eczema when he was just a few months old. after we got some prescription creams his eczema went away but this little freckle/mole on his ankle stayed. i love it.


>he smells like honey ALL the time.

>he doesn't sleep as well as karyssa. this should be a negative but i love the alone time we get at naptime.

>he does sleep well in the mornings and when he finally wakes up and i come in the room i love the way he RUNS to the end of his crib to get to me faster.

>he growls all the time. it's so very very boylike.

>he can double fist a passie like nobody's business. watch below.


>his favorite toy is anything long and walkable. the bug net (although he walks with it in front of him like he's pushing a broom), or the play vacuum, or the kiddie broom, or a play lawn mower.

>he could kazoo before his first birthday.

>he lets you know when he's proud of himself.

>he is the happiest baby i've ever met. smiled and laughed non-stop until he turned 14 months. now he has opinions but they're not a downside.

>when you catch him doing something he's not supposed to do he leans over, with a passie in his mouth, and growls through the passie and smiles so big his nose scrunches.

>he. is. SO. tolerant!!

>even though the therapists picked on him for months before i'd had enough, he hit all his milestones way early. except teeth. he finally got his last 4 teeth in the last few weeks making a grand total of 6 teeth and he's 15 months.

> he sucks his bottles and his passies out the side of his mouth like a cigar. little mobster.

>when he's sick he's the best snuggler. otherwise you gotta get 'em on the run.

>i know i've already said this one but it's worth 2 points-he smells like honey. it's his natural smell.

>i love the way he sleeps on his tummy with his butt in the air.

>he plays with trucks and cars now and sometimes he makes the "rrrrrrrrrrrrr" or "mmmmmmmm" (when the passie is preventing the "rrrr") sound.

*sigh* there are so many more that i just can't think of at the moment. i love calling him "my son" and knowing that he's stuck with me forever.

my american idol version of what happened

i know the other mom has her version of what happened on friday. so read this with a grain of salt.
our town does this thing on fridays, tiny town, and it is for toddlers/preschoolers to come and there's big wheels and tricycles and gymnastic equipment and blocks and balls and you name it - it's a sensory overload for preschoolers and an AMAZING way to get energy out of both kids. for that reason we like to go. buuuuut my only problem is some of the other moms.
once a woman i refer to as saggy tits mom, i know this because regardless of her size she refuses to wear a bra, warned all the other moms that karyssa liked to tear down the blocks. yes...yes she does. with fervor. they are blocks. i'm pretty sure it's half of their job, the other half being to be built up, of course.
then there's the gestapo. she's not a mom...she uh, er...actually works there. i found that out AFTER i told her i "appreciated her concern but wasn't open to advice that day." that was when i had baby huey with me and gestapo told me he shouldn't be allowed to cry for so long on the, apparently, hot commodity carpet square at the end of the gym that is there FOR babies his age. he cried for an hour and a half no matter what i tried and the second he'd almost stop another mom would swoop in to save the day. they were all well meaning. but as i said, he cried for an hour and a half. so if every 5 minutes when he was just about to stop you can do the math on how MANY moms were judging the fact that i was having to let him cry it out. he finally stopped crying when my friend amy held him for the last 20 minutes we were there. *sigh*
which brings me to last friday. there's a little boy that comes from time to time. he's known as being a bully. his mom is known for being a boss. she sits around with her eyebrows up and her mouth pursed together as if she's trying to keep a penny between her teeth and her lips. she has another son who's just a little bit older than asher. both of her sons were in scooters...the younger one was behind karyssa, the older one was in front of karyssa facing her and the boss was standing behind her older son, her feet were practically, if not definitely, touching the back of his scooter. i was keeping an eye on the situation because it didn't look good but i was hopeful that she wouldn't allow anything to happen since she was so close AND they were the only 4 people on that end of the gym. but then i saw him stand up, lean over his handle bars and begin to scream in karyssa's face. not scream words-just scream "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" karyssa just sort of looked at him trying to figure out what it meant. was it a game? was he mad? was she safe? was she supposed to scream back? i walked over and knelt down beside her and said "are you ok sweetie? that was kinda scary, huh?" and with that she got off her scooter and ran off to play somewhere else. i stood up, looked boss in they eyes and said "could you please not let your child scream in my daughters face like that again?" she snickered and said "what?" as if i were as nuts as she was innocent. i repeated myself and she said "i didn't even see it happen?" most people would walk away at this point but i've had it with her. i said "give me a break! you're standing RIGHT HERE!" she then realized i wasn't backing down. and i realized it was out there...i might as well finish it. then she said "they're just kids!" and i said "you can boss around every other kid in the place. watch your own kids!!!" she said "who?" and i said "my friends kids were right in front of us when you told them to go play with other toys. you do it all the time and i'm sick of it. WATCH YOUR OWN KIDS!" to which she had no rebuttle other than "chill out!" i'm pretty sure 10 years ago she would have put up her fingers in the "L" shape on her forehead as if to say i'm a loser. it was about that mature of a situation. myself included.
and i'm trying trying trying not to be like those american idol contestants that screech out their auditions only to come out in tears saying "they just don't know true talent." and i'm sure the other mom has her version that makes me look like the american idol contestant. but for now i feel like i have protected my little baby bear and NOBODY better mess with my babies.

mother's day.....blech!

in the past i have hated mother's day. don't get me wrong, i don't hate my mother. i love my mother. she's funny and adventurous and she taught me the best there is to know about teasing. after all she was a little sister. it's just that in years past i'd been anticipating mother's day since the dreaded christmas season. being childless and having nothing but tumbleweeds in your belly makes the holidays the worst time to be alive! and for some reason we need a holiday every month! thanksgiving, christmas, new years, valentines, st. patty's day, easter, mother's day, memorial day, father's day, fourth of july, august is holiday free-other than going back to school, labor day, halloween...did i miss one? everyone else wrapping presents/making costumes/decorating eggs for or with their kids and getting gifts from their kids months and months of endless holidays surrounding kids in a vicious cycle. i hated it. so last year when we had both kids, but they weren't officially ours yet, we were afraid. i was afraid. i didn't even want to pretend the holiday existed. so, we didn't. paul took a harley ride with some friends and i stayed holed up in the house with the kids like hostages. we haven't been to church in years on mother's day. i HATE when churches hand out carnations at the door by well-meaning children from the church asking each woman "are you a mother?" i mean really...IS there a more painful question for a woman struggling through infertility? no. not. at. all!
so this year i was determined to jump in with both feet. not look back. no feeling sorry for myself. no pitty party. i want gifts from paul and the kids and to be treated like a princess all day long. not have to lift a finger or change diaper. it's gonna be MY DAY!
well, i've already been in tears three times. WHY? i don't get it. this is a happy year. it's finally my turn to celebrate mother's day. no pitty parties. NONE! *sigh*
stupid mother's day. i WILL learn to celebrate this day dammit!!

i love after a babysitter leaves and....

i go into karyssa's room and kiss her and she smiles in her sleep.
i tell her before i leave "when i get back, i'll come into your room and kiss you so you'll know i'm home. ok?" tonight she shook her head yes really quick because i no longer have to grill this into her head because i do it EVERY time i come back when she's sleeping. she knows the drill. but every time she smiles. and i LOVE it!!

she knows i love her!!!!

i tell karyssa all the time that i love her more than any other little girl in the whole wide world. and then i ask "did you know that?" and she ignores me.
well tonight i said it again (for probably the third time today) and then she did her normal ignoring and change the subject thing and i said "karyssa, don't ignore me...." and she stopped, looked right into my eyes and shook her head yes.
for the first time ever!
she KNOWS i love her! she KNOWS!!
*sigh* i cried.

more on why open adoption sucks.....at least today.

today my case worker was by and mentioned that her son was terminally ill. i asked if he was one of her biological children or adopted children and she clarified and said "not that it matters" and sort of waved her hand in the air as if she were shooing away a fly. and i thought for a minute...why did that question come to mind? and i realized why.
because in his last days, if he were one of her adopted children, i would assume that she would feel the need to share him since i have been encouraged by the county to have an open adoption with my own children's birth families.
if one of my children were sick i would feel like i would need to share, in some sense, their last days with birth family. i might need to mention that her son is a grown man...it's not like he's 7.
and in a way, i feel duped. infuriated. led astray. if I have to share MY babies...why would she not have to share HER babies? after all, she IS the one who encouraged me that an open adoption is the way to go.
and all over again i question our decision to share. to have an open adoption. to let the birth family back in after they had been shut out by the same people that suggested that i share them.
hmph. and you can guaranty i'll be talking to paul about THIS when he gets home.

the ups, the downs, the weekend

my husband is training for his first marathon. i'm so excited for him and proud of him. he wanted to last year but with the addition of asher we just did not have the extra minutes in a weekend for him to do the runs. so sadly it got pushed off. well this year he vowed again that he was going to do it and i am determined not to push his goals off for another year. my husband is in shape all the time. even when he's at his fattest he's skinnier than most people. which means, if he's training for a marathon i can not let myself go, even for a minute. and i love eating chocolate. love it!
which leads me to this morning. i woke up before the kids-that never happens. i had energy-that never happens. i rolled over and said "mind if i go running?" i knew he wanted to go running today. he told me last night. and we have a double running stroller so we can go together-but let me tell you-it's one thing pushing a double running stroller, it's another doing it in high altitude, going uphill. (we live at the bottom of the hill no matter which direction you go.) he said he didn't mind. within 7 minutes i had brushed my teeth and was out the door with my running shoes on. i ran 4 1/2 miles in 45 minutes, got home, and fed the kids breakfast. paul was still getting ready to go running. he moves really slow on saturday mornings because "it's the weekend". and for me, the weekend is all about getting the stuff done i can't do during the week because i'm keeping up with the kids, wearing them out, getting them home for lunch, into bed for nap time, getting the house clean, laundry done, dinner made, grocery shopping. all of the things that go unnoticed literally every other minute of the week. he doesn't believe me that 30 minutes late on a lunch/nap schedule is a big deal. i assure you, it is! which led to more frustration. we got the kids down for naps and i hit the door to get my errands done.
and the neighborhood next door was having a garage sale. it's a really nice neighborhood. most houses go for $500,000 to $800,000. which means they've got nice stuff in those garage sales.
i scored these bad boys, all 4 for $50 (one sells for $40):

i'd show you how they look around the bar except we don't have the bar yet. give me a month or two.
and this bad boy for $5:

that will hide all of these secrets:

AND not pinch fingers. huge score. i love saving money, but best of all, i LOVE repurposing stuff and not buying things brand new and sending perfectly good stuff to the dump. LOVE it. my sister-in-law, jenn, is an amazing recycler. i seriously think she's eliminating the carbon footprint for at least 10 people all by herself. i wish i could be a smidgeon as good at it as she is.

and while i was getting those pictures off the camera i found these to tide you over for a while. asher eating a snack with all 5 of his teeth.

and karyssa taking a bubble bath. special treat around these parts because of asher's eczema. We're working on "smile" with out squinting her entire face.

seriously god...that was weird.

today i made my grocery list and waited for karyssa to wake up from her nap to go shopping. she loves to go as much as i do so i figured i'd get her out of the house this afternoon. but when it was time to put on shoes she was SURE nothing would do but the light up crocs. thanks alot mimi! they don't stay on her feet well so i told her she could wear her brown shoes or her ballerina shoes, but not crocs. seriously-getting crocs off that girls feet once her mind is made up is so impossible most days it's not even worth it. but today i knew she'd want to walk all the way through walmart so i insisted. finally i told her if she didn't pick one of the other pairs she was going to just stay home. and with that she crawled up on paul's lap and started watching a video about reseeding lawns. with out a fuss from her, i left the house. weird. she almost always fusses to go but not this time.
as i was checking out i realized i had gotten the wrong peanut butter so i went back to get the right one. on my way back to the peanut butter i saw someone who looked so much like the kids' birth dad from the back. then on my way back i realized the guy who looked so much like our birth dad from the back was with someone who looked just like our birth mom from the front. *gasp* i scurried back to my check out lane and handed over the peanut butter. then our birth dad scurried up to the lane too. he stood at the end of the isle for a brief second trying to decide if it was me and then looking disappointed that i didn't have either of the kids with me. i said "hi!" and he came towards me so i gave him a hug. what, exactly, i'm supposed to do i still haven't figured out. as my friend says "it's not like emily post has quite written a chapter for this." and she's right. there's no protocol. every "open adoption" is different. and although ours is open, as in: we send pictures and letters a few times a year and meet with grandparents a couple times a year. it's not open as in: they know our last name and where we live and see the kids whenever they want to. in fact, we're still deciding what, if any, contact we want to have with the birth parents. that's a decision we feel is for the kids to make. and until they are old enough to tell us they want to or don't want to we don't feel that's something we want to push onto them.
we chatted about some photos i'd recently sent and he asked if the email address i had given him was working yet. and after a minute (it felt like forever since my heart had stopped beating when he came to my isle) we parted ways and i waved to our birth mom. she didn't come towards me and i didn't want to push her. she didn't talk at all, and i didn't want to force her.
but then she smiled at me. SHE SMILED AT ME! the woman (girl really) that didn't show up to any of our face to face meetings, the girl i've only seen in pictures or from the back of the head in court smiled at me. so i have to know she's as happy to be kid-free as i am happy to not be kid-free. so maybe down the road, just maybe, i'll figure out this open adoption thing. until then seriously god, that was weird. i need a little more warning.