the elephant in the room. aka. mother's day.

sooooo i hate mother's day the way old maids hate valentine's day. the always elusive, almost there, holiday that i swear was only created to sell more cards and only carried on for generations due to guilt. ok. i'm being dramatic.
the fact is. it's coming up. again. and although things are 99% sure and technically i "have" kids in the home it's still not official. they don't have my last name and therefore, i can't treat them like my kids. i still need permission to cut their hair or get them speech therapy. and until i can take the across state lines with out permission from everyone but god, it won't feel like they are really "mine". it's an awkward holiday. so to celebrate paul is taking a harley ride with some friends from work for the weekend and me and the kids will be alone for the great day. and it couldn't be better. we don't have to address the elephant in the room.
but for family and friends that felt like they needed to call or send cards - you don't have to. if you already have sent the cards - don't sweat it. i can't possibly expect everyone to know all the ins and outs of all my hiccups with infertility.

love this little baby!

sometimes i can't believe god gave us not one, but two wonderful babies.
yesterday i had my good cry. the they-grow-up-so-fast cry. i sing all the time at home and i just make up whatever song and i heard myself singing "she went from a baby to a little girl right before my eyes!" and i sort of stopped in my tracks and looked up at her and she's just such a little girl now. no more baby. whatsoever. no more toddler sometimes. just this little girl that grows daily and i can't get her to stop and i don't want her to because i know the more she grows the better job i'm doing. but ugh! so hard to know she'll never be as little and innocent as she was the day before. each day she learns knew things and says new words. it just kills me. in a good way.

we have a new worker-and she sees the chemistry

since day ONE the kids have known they are connected. they have a chemistry that i can't explain. when peanut wakes up and sweet pea runs over to see him he lights up. he smiles real big. now i know, i know, he's in the phase where he smiles at everything-but his smiles for her are different. he looks at her first. studies her for just a second and then smiles as if to say "i getcha."
well, the other day we got to meet our new case worker. the kids' case worker won't change...but mine did. i'm fine with it. it will be a good change. and while she was here peanut woke up from his nap. i went up and got him while sweet pea stayed downstairs and played. when i brought him back down sweet pea crawled up on my lap to see him right away, she always has to see him right away, and he looked at her, studied her for a second and then smiled his big smile for her. and sweet pea caressed his head and tilted her head to the side and smiled back. the case worker teared up and said "they really know each other." and i told her they've had that connection since the day he came home. she knew he was hers. and he knew her right away. they have a chemistry that cannot be explained. she said she wished i could tell more people about this. she saw it! and i love that there's someone else that can vouch for me and their chemistry! and now i know all the fighting i did to keep the kids together was worth it. just like the siblings in this post, i knew i had to fight for them.

i sound like an old person

i remember people saying it all the time when we were little, although they were usually referring to my brother dan. but kids grow up SO FAST! this weekend i switched out wardrobes since sweet pea's pants have been fitting like high waters for the past 3 weeks and there have been a couple times where i've gone to get peanut out of his crib only to find that he's literally outgrown his pajamas overnight. i can tell because his shoulders are protruding out the top of the neck of his jammies. it's amazing. i pull out clothes the next size bigger and think they could never fit in them only to find that they fit snug as a bug. makes me so sad to think they are growing up so fast, but so proud to realize that she is no longer failure to thrive. today i picked up sweet pea from her lunch spot and had to give a little extra heave-ho to her girth (if i can even call it that yet). and peanut can now hold his head up and find his fist when he's hungry. he sucks on his knuckles moreso than his fingers. it's the cutest sound even at 1am. i am now one of those mom's that puts the clothes away with a little tinge of "oh no! she'll never wear this again" or "he'll never be this small ever ever again in his life." but i know it's a good thing. i think the confusing part of foster is that as you rejoice in every ounce gained and every inch grown and every day closer to the next court date you can so easily forget to enjoy the here and now. i work on it daily, hourly almost. although i can't wait for the next court date, i sure want to enjoy the months in between.