mortified...and giggling

karyssa just came to me with wet underpants. so we did our usual drill of running to the potty to finish up but she had nothing more to do. hmmm...and she smelled curiously like poop. hmmm. i wiped her butt and there was a little bit there but not the usual amount. hmmm. so i went outside to investigate and found this. on the front porch.

which means she took her underpants off after pottying and finished up in there!!! lord help me if any of the neighbors saw!! sooooo sorry emily! i am as mortified as you are that the tractor scooter has been so defiled. after staying as quiet as possible so i didn't break out into an all out cackle laugh i explained where it is and is not appropriate to poop with out mentioning inside and outside. after all, we are huge campers and in a few months she IS going to have to poop outside...just not in the scooter. yuck! it has been bleached.

i love after a babysitter leaves and....

i go into karyssa's room and kiss her and she smiles in her sleep.
i tell her before i leave "when i get back, i'll come into your room and kiss you so you'll know i'm home. ok?" tonight she shook her head yes really quick because i no longer have to grill this into her head because i do it EVERY time i come back when she's sleeping. she knows the drill. but every time she smiles. and i LOVE it!!

she knows i love her!!!!

i tell karyssa all the time that i love her more than any other little girl in the whole wide world. and then i ask "did you know that?" and she ignores me.
well tonight i said it again (for probably the third time today) and then she did her normal ignoring and change the subject thing and i said "karyssa, don't ignore me...." and she stopped, looked right into my eyes and shook her head yes.
for the first time ever!
she KNOWS i love her! she KNOWS!!
*sigh* i cried.

more on why open adoption sucks.....at least today.

today my case worker was by and mentioned that her son was terminally ill. i asked if he was one of her biological children or adopted children and she clarified and said "not that it matters" and sort of waved her hand in the air as if she were shooing away a fly. and i thought for a minute...why did that question come to mind? and i realized why.
because in his last days, if he were one of her adopted children, i would assume that she would feel the need to share him since i have been encouraged by the county to have an open adoption with my own children's birth families.
if one of my children were sick i would feel like i would need to share, in some sense, their last days with birth family. i might need to mention that her son is a grown man...it's not like he's 7.
and in a way, i feel duped. infuriated. led astray. if I have to share MY babies...why would she not have to share HER babies? after all, she IS the one who encouraged me that an open adoption is the way to go.
and all over again i question our decision to share. to have an open adoption. to let the birth family back in after they had been shut out by the same people that suggested that i share them.
hmph. and you can guaranty i'll be talking to paul about THIS when he gets home.