open adoption...what it means and how it's working.....for us

ok. so it sucks.
there are times where it warms my heart.
but for the most part it still sucks.
i try not to feel this way. for my kids. for their birth family. for the connection that some day they might want to have or might regret me for forming on behalf of them when they were still this young.
we met with abuelo and step-abuela the other night. they are sweet. they are trying. we are trying. it's like an awkward blind date that just doesn't end. i'm not sure at what point i will look forward to our visits. or tell them our last name. or admit that we now call asher by his middle name that we gave him, and not the name their daughter gave him. or even tell them what side of town we live on.
there are moments when we think we don't want to have this relationship with the grandparents. we want to have it with birth-dad. but he's not an option. and i think as much as i feel this way about the grandparents what if i get into a relationship with dad and regret that we ever had that desire? *sigh*
so anyway. we met again. asher has no reaction to them, good or bad. to him they are just some couple we eat a meal with a couple times a year. karyssa wasn't so sure about them in the beginning. i told her before we went who we were going to see and that if she was uncomfortable she could go and play in the playland. she snuggled close to me for dinner and then went to play and quickly warmed up knowing there was a piece of glass between her and them. after a few rounds of peek-a-boo she came out of the playland, climbed over step-abuela's lap and hopped onto abuelo's lap and checked him out without making eye contact. i think she could remember them...but i think she wasn't sure where she remembered them from. abuelo beamed from start to finish again.right up to the part where they opened the trunk of their car to "get [asher's] baby blanket" and there sat, in all it's childhood royalty, karyssa's first bike. bright pink and purple and shiny brand new. step-abuela told me "i told him it was too big for her but he really wanted to buy it for her." karyssa loved it. it had to sleep in her room with her the first night. she can barely reach the pedals but when she leans to actually pedal them she tips the bike over. but she loves it nonetheless. she also got crocs which she has worn every day since.
i love that she loves these gifts. i think it's the actual gift more than the gifter that she's in love with. but still...it's the little part that warms my heart. it's the little part that makes me feel like we're doing the right thing for the long run.
time will tell. i hope time will be kind to us.

mouring the loss of our gain

when we got karyssa she was 13 months. we had the older girls before her, 7 and 11 years old, so 13 months sounded so fresh and new. like we hadn't missed a thing. but every day asher gets closer to 13 months and i think about how much time it's been. how many milestones and developments and first times i think about how much we truly missed with karyssa. her baby cry. bonding with her as a newborn. her first solids. her first crawl. when filling out her development forms all the way along we just had to put "unknown" because mom doesn't remember. or as social services says it "she's not a good story teller....she doesn't know the history as it happened." she remembers that karyssa crawled. she knew that karyssa ate. but she doesn't know what she did when. when i tell asher "come here" or "no no!" or tell him that i love him and kiss him all over and see him giggle and squirm it makes me sad i couldn't do that with karyssa when she was 11 months old, as he is now. makes me sad that she didn't have any language skills at all, a sign that she was probably not spoken to. if i had her at birth i would have spoken to her. i would have loved on her. i would have taught her how to communicate and bond. it makes me so sad now for every DAY lost with her. every minute more i could have had. but i have to be thankful that we got her at 13 months and not 13 years. but it still makes me sad for every minute we were apart. she's my baby. mine through and through. we think alike. we act alike. we tease alike. she is ME in a smaller package. mine ALL mine!

pitiful return

lately i've been working really hard not to be karyssa's enabler. she has this look that she gives me and i cave every time. lately i've been trying REALLY hard not to cave. so when we got to doggie daycare to pick up tatum i said "do you want to stay in the car and eat a cracker? or do you want to come with mommy to get tatum?" she said "stay, cracker." ok. gave her a cracker, hopped out of the car and got tatum. when i came back she was sobbing. i HATE when she sobs. makes me cave immediately. and again, i'm an enabler. i said "sweetie! what's wrong?" she said "me!!!" (which means she wanted to go with me because i ask her "do you want to go with me?" and she's shortened it to simply "me".) i said "but remember? i asked you if you wanted to stay and eat a cracker or go with me and you said 'stay, cracker'!" with crocodile tears in her eyes she held up her cracker, without even a grain of salt missing, as if for a refund. oooooooh so sad. i caved and said "you can keep the cracker...let's just go look over the fence." and with that we took a peek at the other dogs and she stopped sobbing. poor baby. i can't wait for her communication skills to come together.

happy new year!!!

some friends of ours introduced us to the tradition of taking a new years hike every new years day. we started it when we didn't have kids. then we continued it with one. now there's 2. it's getting harder to carry on. karyssa loves to hike but i realized by the time we got home that her little boots might have given her blisters. not sure but it would answer a lot. here are some pics.

about .2 miles past the last picture:

how the hike ended. *sigh* we started off so good.

this is the glare we got on the way home. we might have to curb this tradition for a year or two.