another announcement

well, i got another e-i'm pregnant today. i'm beginning to think i need to change my email address and stop checking. i know i need to be happy for her. i know i do. but it's really hard. it's a couple that always said they wanted to adopt so i'm not sure if it's an oops baby or what. not that that would make it any easier. i sobbed and sobbed this morning not because i don't want her to have a baby but just because it makes me feel even more of a mutant. not the kind that can fly or see through walls or something cool. just a plane old mutant that can't do what "normal" people can do. and then i feel like i'm acting like a spoiled 12 year old little brat that i can't just be happy for someone else's announcement. i truly deep down inside just want to have innocent joy for their announcement but now it's so tainted with my egocentric left-behind feelings that i can't muster it up. i think i'm done crying for now. but i realize even if we had 100 foster kids and adopted all of them that we could (which would be about 10 of them) it will never take the pain away of pregnancy announcements. the only time i'm happy is when i know they've been trying or if i know they too struggled. why can't i be happy for the ones that didn't have to try and were handed a perfectly healthy pregnancy with no problems? it's not like i think everyone should have their innocence ripped from them so that anytime the ever do see a positive on a pregnancy test they sigh and hope "maybe this one will turn into a real live baby to hold." i don't want that for anyone. i just wish my innocence hadn't been taken away. and that i could just get pregnant because we tried one month. and we didn't have to struggle and force and eat tremendously restricted diets in hopes that one month, just maybe, i would have ONE healthy egg and he would have ONE healthy sperm catch that egg in the 4% chance we have in the very good months.

seventeen sacagawea

last weekend when we went to cherry creek arts festival i made a special trip to the ATM to get cash. we never carry cash. never mug us-it will do you NO good. the web site said parking was $5 but we scored and found a lot for $3. when we came back and went to pay there was a machine instead of a person. we stuck our $20 in and ching-cha-ching-ching-ching. 17 sacagawea's popped out. it was like winning the chuckee-cheese lotto.

healing

years ago i used to be known as the artistic one. missy was the smart one. dan was the tough one. brock was the funny one. so that left artistic for me. and i was always drawing and creating and wearing off the wall clothes because they had more color on them than my private school uniform. ugh! nothing like GREY polyester to scream "I have style!" well anyway, then i met and married paul and he was the artistic one. i haven't really done much with my painting because he can paint something and it looks like it's really sitting on the canvas. but lately i got inspired. maybe it's all the herbs the acupuncturist has me one. i'm making a set of paintings that i hope will follow my healing. the first one is a set of rotten putrid eggs. the next one is the same eggs with acupuncture needles and a band-aid. the third is a set of two healthy eggs sitting in a nest. and the fourth and final painting is a fluffy baby chick. here's the first two. they are a work in progress.


the first one is smaller, 2"x3", the next one is a touch bigger, 3"x4" and then the next one is 4"x5", then the baby chick goes back to the little canvas. don't know what i'll ever do with them. hang them in a little spot or something.

Cherry Creek Arts Festival

Today we went down to the Cherry Creek Arts Festival. I have waited to go to this since last year when we went hiking instead of going. A few years ago I went with a friend from work and saw this artist. I love her work. I told myself then, when Paul was a student, that some day I would buy one of her pictures. They are so cute and creative and make you think about how big the world really is even though it seems to get smaller and smaller every day. Anyhow-this is my favorite picture of all of them. I want to get it to hang up in my dining room. It's such a great picture to see when you start your day.