Friend Goals

 When I just can't anymore....I google "Michelle Obama and George Bush" and just scroll the pics. It's just good for the soul.

No one's people

I keep seeing posts saying "check on your people". And I used to have people to check on. But what's become clear to me in these past few years is that because I don't adamantly claim any group, I'm neither Republican nor Democrat is that...I have no people left. I don't belong to anybody. And frankly, nobody cares how I'm doing as long as I'm not doing it where they have to see it, on social media. If I truly posted how I felt about anything it would weed people out fast. Not because I hate any one people group at all. Quite the opposite. I understand their pain and where they are coming from even if I have a differing opinion of where they are going. 

So what happens when everyone thinks they and only they are right? I don't know where to go with that. 

I don't know that I'm right...on a lot of things. So I stay quiet to let the chips land so I can see what's the truth and what was clickbait and what was a spin from the hearsayers of the first-handers. If you put 100 people in a room and they all experience the same thing, you'll still have 100 versions of what just happened. It's just who we are as humans. Does that mean 99 were wrong? No...it means 100 people translated the exact same experience from their viewpoints. 

So...I just keep to myself. I isolate further and deeper and spend more time quietly crying and wishing I could call that friend that hates me for my politics. Or at least...what they understand are my politics. But they don't really know because even though they've listened they haven't heard me for years. 

Us vs. Them

This week has completely broken me. 

It's not that I didn't see it coming...I just thought it would happen on Inauguration Day, January 20th, not electoral votes counting day.

And I keep thinking....why am I so heartbroken? I mean...BLM protests/riots happened. There was speculation as to who was the rabble-rouser but we'll never know the truth, will we? So...when it all happened at the capitol...why was I so disheartened?  I guess what surprised me most, was the hate speech I heard coming from the friends who had defended the BLM uprising with such fervor. And when I questioned how they could feel this way so flip flopping, so one-sided...I was met with white privilege and if the tables were turned or if they were a different color. I just, I guess, had hoped the speech would be kinder. I expect it out of an uncle who's been outspoken. Or from someone who isn't known for seeing the other side of an argument. But...gosh...from my most liberal of friends. From the ones who helped me see how to truly love people so vastly different from me. 

And it breaks my heart that "they" won. Who is They? The media? The Clintons? Is this the gay agenda I've been hearing about? I thought the gay agenda stopped at mandatory brunch and dog sweaters but....this....was this division it? I can't believe that it is. 

But when did we stop hearing each other. Truly hearing our friends? I hear the conservative side wanting spending held accountable. I hear the liberal side wanting rights. I hear the Republican side fervently against abortion and the Democratic side shouting back about taking care of those babies born. I hear you. I hear all of you. But what about those of us that fit in no box. That want the babies born and their mommas to afford formula? What about those of us that want those babies adopted by any couple, regardless of their gender. Someone with open yet empty arms crying out to take care of those babies but only one of those mommas gets to put her name on them. Those of us that believe that black lives matter and we need cops and we should have mental health counselors being called in right alongside the cops. I feel you that the cops should be "defunded" but what that really means is allocating those funds towards sheltering those that need it. We are all one crisis away from our last mental health thread breaking with a snap. Why are we all shouting the same thing and yet not hearing each other? 

So where do we go from here? How do we move forward? Well, I know one thing....it's not by shouting in each other's faces. It's not name-calling and berating. It's side by side. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr has been quoted this week with "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Siiiiiiigh. Yaaaaasss, Dr. Yes!

I hear the church. Gosh. The divide in the church. And there's those still in the church clutching their pearls and questioning how anyone would be ok with babies being killed and those in the church knee-deep in homeless laundry and meal drives. There's those that have left the church and made politics their religion. And I hear you!! I hear your pain and your confusion and I hear that people have let you down. And the church is made up of people. And those people are who have let our country down to the point that we need these government-funded programs to take care fo the orphans and the widows and the young moms and those that don't have the mental health to break the addiction or to keep a job longer than one payday. I see how the government signed dependency right on that dotted line. I'm with you...but if we as the church had been doing our job, if we as the church had been loving the unlovable, if we as the church had listened to our hurting, our abused, our LGBTQ's....would we even be here arguing about budgets and rights? 

We have to do better. We can do better. And we don't have time to wait for our kids to do it for us. 

It's been a while

A lot has happened. Like...a lot.

We had a baby by birth. When #4 was 13 months old I realized I was pregnant. After 12 years of infertility, the most stubborn and determined sperm got through. He's amazing. All the kids are really.

Sweet Pea is now 11 and going into middle school. She's as even keel as the blue flames of hell.
Peanut is heading into 4th grade.
Both Babies (their collective nickname) are going into 2nd and they are hoping to be in the same class this coming year.
And Punkin Head will start kindergarten. In a button up shirt and tie of course. It will not match and he will not change it.

It's 2020 and we're in the middle of corona virus quarantines. I feel like updating the blog. I type better than I can handwrite and someday, I'm hoping, my kids will want to hear the stories of life in the middle of it.

This is hard. It's scary. We keep hearing about the second wave while grappling with all the rules of the first. It's not fun anymore. It's not puzzles and family time and new recipes because the store was out of _______.

It's being trapped with the same 7 people day in and day out. Shouting about picking up rooms and starting laundry and who's job was cleaning up the loft/living room...by the way who peed on the seat and left a turd unflushed. It's "if they have it at the store I'll get some."

On top of that, we're in the beginning of police reform. It's amazing and it's scary and it's justice and it's time and it's historic. And it's all so much. Hurt feelings and confusion and agreeing but coming from different sides. No one can say anything right.

I had to get off Facebook and as much as I love seeing what's going on with everyone I thought maybe I should try Instagram for a while. But then....I don't want to follow anyone. Well maybe twitter will be fun but then I can't find anyone. I'm an old dog trying to go through a self-help book on my own and I'm swimming in can't-do-it-rights.

Today was a really hard day. The kids are struggling with boredom. I'm struggling living in such a dusty mess all the time. I ask them for help with what, to me, feels like something so little but I forget that they can't reach the clothesline to get their clothes down or can't see all the hot wheels for the legos. It's all so much. I'm hoping tomorrows a better day because I've been trying to clean up one room for a solid 2 months now.

I started a little embroidery gig on the side. I enjoy it. It gives me an outlet to create. I make mostly memory things. When someone passes away I use their old clothes to make bears. Or I digitize their signature and embroidery that on top of a heart design. I love doing it. It's an emotional job but I'm not afraid of facing the dead. I get to spend a little time making something touching for those left behind.

Anyhow...I'll get back at more regular updates. I'll try not to wait 7 years before the next post. Who knows who still follows this but I'm mostly writing for my kids.