Ice Cream Cones & Panty Hose

almost to normal and CELTIC IDEAS!!!!!

2012-02-09T14:54:00.007-07:00

today we had another evaluation for the public school speech therapy. the first time we went i kinda got the feeling karyssa wouldn't qualify. i was so excited. but today it sounds like she actually will. *sigh* let me just clarify. i am all about early intervention and whatever will help to do it early so we don't have to do it so long. but it felt SO nice to have a "normal" stamp on our passport. time will tell...maybe she still won't qualify and to that i will say "WAAAAAAHOOO!!" even though it means we would continue paying for preschool ourselves. i will gadly play each month if it means we can be tagged "normal".

then i took her to preschool and asher and i had a date at the library. he has recently in the last couple weeks fallen head over heels in LOVE with books. i am loving it as it means he will finally sit still long enough for me to read to him. he would let me read to him in bed but sometimes i would start the first couple pages and then just turn out the lights and say goodnight. he was so squirmy he wouldn't listen. then as he got older he'd listen in bed, if he was tired, sucking on a passie, and moments from passing out. now he'll bring me books all day long. his favorite is goodnight gorilla. especially after my friend gina told me her daughter charlotte, who is a couple months older than asher, had figured out that there's a balloon on every page. the same balloon that gets farther and farther away as the story goes on. asher LOVES this aspect and he now sleeps with goodnight gorilla for every nap and bedtime. last night we couldn't find it so he slept with goodnight moon and woke up at 2am to let me know he was sleeping with goodnight moon and NOT goodnight gorilla. at 2am i don't much care. goodnight ASHER!!

anyway-long tangent to: i took him to the library for some alone time with me and after picking out a book he won't read anyway (as it's not goodnight gorilla) we went upstairs and i found this book in the quilting section.
*GASP* MORE celtic quilting?? where's celtic quilting?? i love celtic stuff. LOVE IT! after i finish my cousin lauren's quilt i have her brother tristan's quilt. and these are my ideas for that bad boy. it's a FUN quilt. black. LOTS of black. i can't wait. it's so manly and gorgeous and i love quilting this stuff so i'll be able to whiz through it. but first i'm doing a quilt for little ole me. can't wait though. his quilt has me quite motivated to keep working.

inside a white block with black thread. oh ya, i'm that bold. can't WAIT.

on a black border with the same black thread. oooo! like a hidden secret with tons of detail. i love surprises you have to search for.

and this along the border of the blocks and along the border of the quilt, somehow intertwined with itself all the way around...gotta figure that part out but i think i have an idea.

can't WAIT. after may, when lauren gets hers, i can post pictures of the finished product. my grandma has already told me lauren won't get to see it until after mudders sees her walk across the graduation stage. so i can't post pictures yet. ok...munchkins are into something. gotta run.

and cue hoarding. i refuse for this to be a "thing"!!

2012-01-26T21:22:00.004-07:00

the last few days have been hectic around here. karyssa had more play therapy. i've been given a book to read and it's actually really helpful. it's called "beyond consequences". it's more for attachment issued kids, which we don't really have, buuuuuuut lately (since decembers birth family visits) we've been having a hard time throwing away wrappers. i watch hoarders with my jaw on my lap. so the thought that someday we could be going over to camera crews on karysssa's front lawn and dead cats buried under piles of newspaper clippings in the family room had me motivated. almost.
as she was leaving play therapy she wouldn't throw away the juice box her therapist had given her. the therapist looked at me and said "does she always have trouble throwing things away?" *sigh* "yes...treat wrappers, gum wrappers, that kind of thing." i had noticed it. i didn't want to face it yet. i didn't want it to be a "thing" we were going to have to deal with but it was out there now.
the book touched on hoarding so i tried it with karyssa. "i know you want to keep the wrapper because it reminds you of the treat, but just because you throw away the wrapper doesn't mean you have to throw away the treat...can mommy throw the wrapper away for you?" "ya." *whew*

today she started preschool. i sent her upstairs to pick out an outfit. later i went up to check on her and she came bolting out of her room, in a combination that made my eyes water, and said "i need a bow!" technically her outfit should have worked, flowers on bottom, butterflies on top but wow-totally different color schemes and styles. i didn't want her going to her first day looking like an elderly asian woman so i picked a couple plain patterned pants and she chose between them. thank goodness. i did good when it was time to leave. i lingered for a while but then i was starting to tear up. instead of sitting in the corner of the classroom clinching onto asher and sobbing silently i decided we'd better get while the going was good. i walked up and said quickly "see you in a few hours sweetie" and bolted quickly!! i cried all the way to the car. all the way out of the parking lot. and then took asher to the rec center for some one-on-one mommy and swimming time. i admit, i cried just a little bit in the pool. he LOVED it. although he's been itching ever since. poor guy and that dang eczema. afterwards i put him in childcare and worked out on my own. when i picked him up i said "you ready to go pick up karyssa?" and he shook his head no! HA! he LOVED karyssa being in school.

he's become SO opinionated. when karyssa poops on the potty she gets gum. well, asher thinks he deserves a piece just for being cute. i started it with chocolate chips so it's partially my fault that his cuteness reward has carried over when the ante got upped to gum. yesterday she pooped on the potty while he was still asleep. when he woke up and discovered she'd pooped with out him he stood under the gum cabinet crying until i clarified "so you think you deserve gum for karyssa pooping on the potty?" he stopped mid-sob and said "uh-huh." he got gum. tonight at dinner i cut his burger and he grabbed my fork and put his hand on his burger while letting out a blood curdling scream that i was actually CUTTING his burger. paul said "when did he get so opinionated?" i said "well, he is almost 2!" i guess it's time. this afternoon he cried off and on all afternoon. i finally put him in his room for quiet time. he played quietly up there until paul came home so i guess he just needed some time to himself. good thing we're gonna get a whole lotta momma time in the next few months.

oooooooh snap.

2012-01-19T21:49:00.004-07:00

Today the kids didn't nap at ALL because they fell asleep with their eyes open in the car. They get this glazed over look and stare off into space and i know that naptime will be an uphill battle. Anyway, after giggling in Karyssa's room together for a while they both came barreling downstairs so I just gave up on nap and gave them a snack. While they were sitting at the table Karyssa confesses, on behalf of Asher, that "Asher came in her room and was in her bed." and I said (as if I was shocked) "WHAT?! is that why I heard giggling and you guys weren't napping?!?" and she pointed her finger up in the air and then quickly snapped it down at him from across the table. SO FUNNY! Oh my goodness.

Then later Asher took a pair of her pants from the hearth and threw them on the floor with a vengeance and said "HA!" like "TAKE THAT!" It was so funny. He's SO testosterony/aggressive.

And I love that Karyssa is now old enough to talk but young enough to not know how to lie. Asher came wobbling over to me sobbing the kind of sob that comes with drool. I said "Karyssa, can you tell me what happened?" "I bonked him." ?? "on purpose or it was an accident?" "on purpose." ok..wow...if only it would stay this easy. I made her give him a hug and sit in time out only long enough that I could stop giggling. I'm so Cam.

what daddy really spends all of our money on.

2012-01-17T17:24:00.003-07:00

today was karyssa's first play therapy session. the therapist said "so where's daddy?" karyssa said "at work." the therapist clarified "oooh...makin' the big bucks 'eh?...so...what does daddy do with all that money? what's he bring home with it? ice cream?" karyssa answered "beer!"

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* my first reaction was to cackle laugh (the laugh I hate that only comes out when i'm completely taken off guard and didn't have time to prepare my more reserved laugh.) i continued to giggle silently until i called paul from the lobby, still giggling. he was mortified! later i realized why she thinks that. mommy is the one that brings home the groceries. but i don't want to take the kids into a liquor store. i dunno...there's just something about a kid in a liquor store that sends all my foster-mommy-red-flags up. so when we get beer or wine i send paul to the liquor store...therefore, daddy is the one who brings home the beer!

yesterday paul had the day off so we decided to take the kids to tiny town so paul can get a lay of the land over there. paul got dressed in an outfit he'd wear to work, since his office is very casual, it's not out of place to wear it on a weekend. as we were coming downstairs asher said "it's saturday?" baffled that we didn't just hear that we both said "what?" and he said "daddy staying?" um...WHAT?!? he just started saying "hot" on thanksgiving...how does he know the days of the week? and when daddy should and shouldn't be staying home? complex little mind of his. these kids keep me guessing that's for sure.

my sweet asher man

2012-01-13T22:11:00.004-07:00

lately asher has been whippin' out all kinds of personality. i just can't get over how testosterone just oozes out of him on a daily basis. he's growly and aggressive and just plain manly. he laughs hysterically when he falls and even more if karyssa falls. yesterday we took an hour and a half bike ride on the kids new strider bikes and we got on a street that still had some slick snow and at every driveway karyssa would wipe out which made asher laugh so hard from behind he could hardly hold his bike up. karyssa did not find it as funny, for the record. he's sooooo different from her so it still surprises me on a regular basis.

then there's days like today and the testosterone is the least of his surprises. we went to tiny town this morning and i witnessed him steal at least 2 cars/tricycles from other kids before i could bolt across the gym to correct him. other parents were polite and said things like "it's ok, we're learning to share." i said "so are we."

then this afternoon we went to the store, mainly because neither one of them took a nap so we HAD to get out of the house. after paying for our groceries and pulling the cart away the cashier looked down in the little car where asher was sitting and said "oh! he's got a rolo!" and i said "then there's an open package over there because i didn't give him one...." and she said "no, he's got the whole role." i looked down and he's double fisting them into his mouth. there were 5 left on the bottom of the car floor. for pete's sake. i don't know how many come in a package, but it's WAY more than 5. thank god it wasn't the reese's because i had left the epi-pens at home. i also noticed he had a can of chicken noodle soup, which means he'd been doing his own shopping down in that little car all the way through the store. 95 cents for those dang rolos!

tonight when we were home he came up to me with the little toy tea pot and a tea cup and pretended to pour me a cup and handed it over, pinkies up. oh that boy is so dang cute! i took it and he was more than pleased to pour me cup after cup after cup. it was the first time he pretended play on his own. he'll play cars and make the "vroom" noise...but he's never USED his imagination before. it was kind of exciting to be there for the first time. and that is why i give up every paycheck to stay home with them. i looooooove being able to stay home and there's not a day that i take it for granted. i am pretty sure i love him more every day. and every day i think i can't possibly love him more and then the next day i do. ugh! makes me want to go up there and kiss those chubby cheeks one more time while he sleeps.

karyssa-isms

2012-01-12T19:09:00.004-07:00

lately karyssa has been full of funny things. now that her speech is getting clearer it's funny to get the thoughts out.

the other day her and asher were putting away a fishing game and i told them to find all the fish. asher then picked one up and held it up proudly and she said "good-eye ratcliffe*" and kept looking for more without skipping a beat. (*only our bloggy last name...not our real last name.)

the next day she sat up on top of paul first thing in the morning while we were still in bed and said "we have shiners!" i let paul figure it out because i couldn't make out the word. we both started looking around for the definition of a shiner when paul said "where?" and she said "on our bottoms. we have shiners." again...puzzled we look at each other and then i realized. the day before while going to the bathroom karyssa asked me "mommy, is that your penis?" (she had recently been corrected when telling asher that he had a peanut.) "no," i said, "mommy has a vagina. and you have a vagina, because we're girls. daddy and brother man have penises but we have vaginas...so tatum's a girl...what does she have?" looking at me puzzled i answered my own question, "tatum has a vagina too." so after proclaiming on top of paul that she had a "shiner" i quickly realized what conversation we were processing and filled paul in on the day before. karyssa then said to paul "so what does tatum have?" *sigh* oooooh she's so funny.

we play hide and seek a lot, mostly to work on counting to ten. lately we've mastered counting to ten so i've begun working on the alphabet with her. tonight when going over flash cards i got to "G" with a picture of a garden on it. "guh, guh gaaarden..." i said. "what does a garden begin with?" "a SHOVEL!" she proclaimed. yes...it does begin with a shovel. ask a silly question.....

man i love her.

damn you potty training and child psychology!!! shaking fists in the air

2012-01-03T17:46:00.004-07:00

soooooo we've been having more pee accidents. not poop anymore because now she gets gum for keeping her pants clean and dry during naptime. but now we're back to pee accidents...when she's awake! and standing 3 feet from a toilet!!!

so today we talked about it AGAIN!
me: karyssa, are you worried about your birth family?
karyssa: i'm karyssa ratcliffe (not our real last name)
me: you are karyssa ratcliffe. are you thinking about daddy ******* or step-grandma, or abuelo?
karyssa: i want to see step-grandma

my head: DANG IT NOOOOOOOO!!!! I DON'T WANT TO!!!!! stomping feet like a 2 year old.

me (out loud): grandma ratcliffe? step-grandma? grandma mimi?
karyssa: step-grandma. i want her come to my birthday.
[backstory: yesterday i made cupcakes from the same recipe my sister-in-law made karyssa's birthday cake so her birthday is fresh on her mind even though it's a full 6 months away.]

my head: what the heck?? (not the word i want to use)

me (out loud): well if you want to see her you can just tell mommy. ok?

i chat all of this to paul and he says "ya, because she wants presents." WHEW! yes, i think that is accurate. in her mind her birthday equals presents and who brings her presents the last 2 times she saw her? step-grandma. so the plan is still on to have no contact until she's old enough to tell us what exactly she wants.

in asher news: yesterday paul wiped him down with a wipe and he screamed "HOT!" when the wipe touched his eczema thumb. i can't STAND his eczema. i have kept him off peanuts and taken him back off of all things egg (which is HARD, let me tell you, when you love to bake) so i'm hoping eventually his thumb will look like a normal thumb and not one that's been through a meat grinder. he's talking more and more, and mimicking karyssa more and more. it's so interesting to finally hear his thoughts. right now he is sitting in the bumbo chair, they both have their bike helmets on and they are throwing cars at each other. hot wheel cars, not real cars...they aren't hercules children. the other day he took his helmet to paul and said "ride bike!!" and so we did. man i love these munchkins.

easy as riding a bike. baaaaahahahahahhaaa!

2011-12-30T18:47:00.003-07:00

we got the kids strider bikes for christmas. they rode them around the house christmas day and then we started venturing out. karyssa's getting pretty good. she'll lift her feet up as she glides down a hill. asher is finally walking easily while sitting on the seat now. he'll get the hang of it soon. tonight paul and i took both kids out and it's a good thing we both went. at one point i heard paul, from behind me, shout "HEY! NO!" and i realized it was one of those commands where he had to react faster than he could formulate a sentence. i turned behind me to see asher on the top of the railing of a bridge. *sigh* i was watching karyssa ahead of me. we went under a tunnel and were debating which way to take back home when both me and paul took our eyes off karyssa. she had gone up a hill just beyond the underpass we were standing under when we heard the "eeyayayayayayayayayaaa!" noises of karyssa coming DOWN the hill with her feet completely up. she had NO control but she was balancing!! i have no idea how she didn't land on her face but she made it. i've been giggling all night about the noise she made as she came down the hill. when she got to the bottom and flung herself off she got up, dusted herself off and cracked up laughing at herself along with asher. sometimes i still can't believe how fearless and brave she is.

in other how's-she-doing-with-the-birth-family-stuff news lately she's started asking me "you bought it?" or "you made it." at first i couldn't figure out where the questions were coming from but now i understand she's trying to figure out who gave her what. clothes, food, toys, you name it. if it's new she wants to know it's origins. *sigh*

two nights ago we let her play mommy of all of us. holy napolean syndrome, batman! it started with her putting daddy "to bed" on the futon in the family room. then she started tidying up the room. i'm not sure how she knew that's what i do when i put them down at naptime but it's exactly what i do. fine by me to have help tidying up! then it moved upstairs where she put daddy and brother man to bed in her bed. then i came upstairs and she put me to bed in asher's bed. i started calling for her, then as soon as she'd get to my room paul would call for her "MOMMY!!!" at the top of our lungs. then she walked into paul and asher's room and shouted "I SAID GO TO BED!!!!" and i said "oh my! is that how mommy talks to you?" i honestly wanted to know how i was being interpreted. but she said no so innocently. when it was time to stop and go to bed she threw a ROYAL fit. she was loving the power a little too much. tonight we let her play a teeny bit more of it but she got so violent we had to end it quick. i'm starting to wonder if i'm not the mommy she's imitating but i can't imagine she can remember that far back. i'm not sure if all the recent contact hasn't triggered some memories. time will tell and maybe i can find a way to ask her with out directing the conversation. oh my poor baby and how far she had to go to get to me. thank god we found each other.

continued backlash and more proof for liberating decisions

2011-12-28T12:56:00.005-07:00

this morning i told karyssa we were going to mcdonald's to play with kaden, mason, noah and isabelle. and karyssa said "i don't want it." which means she didn't want to. i said "don't you like playing with isabelle?" and after prodding i said "does she touch you funny?" and she said yes and i asked where. she pointed to her head. *roll eyes* i said "does she say mean things?" and she said yes, i asked "and what does she say?" "sorry". ok...pretty sure at this point this entire charade is made up to avoid going to mcdonald's when it hit me...the last time we went there we met step-grandma and grandpa.

eventually she went anyway and we played and got lunch and came home. then i put the kids down for naptime aka quiet time because "we don't want it" for "naptime" either. she started sobbing. odd but not totally out of the ordinary. i left the room and came downstairs to tidy up and she was still sobbing. i went back up there and said "sweetie, what's wrong?" and she pointed to her sippy cup that she had thrown to the end of the bed. i got it for her and sat on the edge of the bed and said "i've been wanting to talk to you. did you not want to go to mcdonald's today because you were afraid step-grandma and grandpa would be there?" and she shook her head yes. i choked up and said "you know what....we're not going to see them again either. is that ok?" and she shook her head yes. "you don't ever have to see them again. and some day if you want to you just let me know. it might not be this year or until you're 18 or never...but if you ever want to see them again you let me know. ok? and if you never want to see them again that's ok too." and with that she calmed down and fell asleep.

in her mind they all had a chance to protect her and didn't. and she knows their only job was to protect her and they failed at that. i know meeting with birth dad gave her closure. i think she was starting to believe all of that was a bad dream from a past life or something and seeing him made her realize it was real. it WAS her life. it DID happen to her. and i think in her own way when she crawled up in his lap she was forgiving him in a sense, but she hasn't forgotten that he didn't do the one job he was given as a father. and even though she can forgive, she doesn't have to forget. and i don't want her to feel like that's a bad thing or that she's holding a grudge. she needs to learn to protect herself. and if forgiving but not forgetting helps her protect herself and speak up for herself in a way, than so be it. i couldn't be prouder of her for finally finding her voice. aaaaaand i'd be lying if i didn't say that it makes me glad to have more proof for our liberating decisions below.

liberating decisions!!!!

2011-12-26T11:12:00.004-07:00

ok. so. i mentioned yesterday about us having birth family drama going on and i'm ready to share.

we have been trying to have an open adoption. we've been encouraged (polite word for: pushed) to do this and so we tried. this is the first time we've done this whole adoption thing so we figured we'd follow the professional advice.

well, i will tell you after a year of trying their advice sucks and it's not a one-size-fits-all answer.

i've gotten a couple emails from the kids step-grandma...yes...STEP-grandma and i ignored them. i was sort of hoping that they would forget and stop writing. teehee. bad plan. we finally met a couple weeks ago and i was amazed at how much they favored asher and didn't acknowledge karyssa. they asked ME questions ABOUT her but didn't ask HER any questions. red flag. and they didn't just ask "so...what is she into these days?" they asked "is she potty trained?" "can she talk yet?" WTF? you were sitting RIGHT HERE when she said "mommy, i've gotta go potty." 2 birds with 1 stone. seriously.

then the accidents started up again. no poop in the potty. it used to be food and now she has a new power.

ok...here's the clencher...and you're going to gasp but you can't judge me: we met with birth dad and let him see the kids again for the first time in 18 months. it was a. tear. JERKER! we met at a local restaurant and we got there first and when he walked in and sat down karyssa took one look and stopped dead in her tracks. i could see the wheels turning. there was practically smoke coming out of her ears from the gears in her head. then he put his hands down and she went to him. she remembered him right away but she couldn't figure out what he was doing there and what was going to happen next...was she coming home with us? would she have to go back with him? ugh. it killed me. he sobbed and sobbed right there in the restaurant. and she got really scared and looked at me and i said, with tears in my eyes "it's ok, honey." he cried for another minute and then said "thank you so much, you guys. this really means a lot to me." after that karyssa warmed up and sat on his lap until the food came! she opened her presents and he helped her put on some play earrings he had gotten her. at the end he picked up asher and looked him over. he couldn't believe how big he had gotten and that he was walking. it was a good visit. the man from the table next to us said "you have beautiful children" and while i sat their trying to figure out how this was going to play out both paul and daddy ******* said "thank you." i'm sure he thought i was a surrogate.

afterwards paul and i had some new unexpected feelings. i guess we'd never realized before that she'd bonded. with anyone. so in a way it was a relief that she HAD bonded and we can mark Reactive Attachment Disorder off our list of things to worry about in her future. but it also made us realize, before she was ours, she was someone else's. we hadn't considered that with either kid and it was actually easier to deal with with asher because he hadn't bonded with anyone else before. he was a day old when he came straight from the hospital. he didn't know birth dad. in his mind this man belonged to karyssa but he had nothing to do with him and who he was. i've realized a lot of things about that meeting. i've realized, with all my adopted family, i never thought about who their birth parents were, or what they looked like, or how they were doing with the fact that somewhere out there they had a baby that was adopted to another family. they were mine. my cousin. my aunt. my 2nd cousin...they were and always had been.

then this last week karyssa started having LOTS of accidents. PEE accidents! she hasn't had a pee accident in a LONG time. and she might as well just be in a diaper 100% of the time for naptime, which is typically finished off with a nice poop. (sorry-tmi) so finally i realized, every day since we had met with her birthdad she had had an accident. finally one morning she came to my bedside with fresh underwear and said "mine are wet." ok-i wanted to cry right then and there. i realized this decision to meet with birthdad, that we meant in the best interest possible for the kids, was the worst thing we ever could have done. i began to wonder how many weeks it was going to take us to get back to square one with potty training. i pulled her up on my bed and said "what did you think about seeing daddy *******?" i wanted it to be open ended so i didn't put feelings in her head. she just sat quiet. i said "did it make you happy, or sad, or anxious?" again no answer. i said "mommy and daddy wanted you to get to see him again because he misses you every day. but i think that was probably not a good decision. we won't go see him ever again. some day when you want to you just tell mommy and we can do that again. but for now, we won't see him again. and it's ok when you are ready to see him again. ok?" and with that she shook her head yes and has peed AND pooped in the potty 100% of the time. not a single accident for days now. and on christmas eve when we went out for breakfast she asked paul to draw a picture of her, then asher, then daddy, then mommy, then....daddy *******. she wants to know he's ok, but she doesn't need to see him to know that. the way the child mind works will always fascinate me.

so for all of you who said "trust your gut" or "they are with you for a reason" or "they are where they are meant to be" you were right. we did the best we could with the situation given to us and realize sometimes the "best interest of the children" cannot be predicted by a social worker who just finished a seminar on connections to the birth family. yes, they will wonder where they came from. yes, they will wonder whose toes they have or who their nose came from. and for those questions we have pictures. for the deeper stuff, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

but for now it just feels liberating to be able to make the decision with facts and proof and wet beds and poopy pants.

the MAGIC of it all!

2011-12-25T20:54:00.004-07:00

sorry i haven't posted lately. been dealing with some heavy birth family stuff and was waiting for the silver lining to appear. maybe i'll post later.

BUT today is christmas and that means SANTA....and jesus. it's true. we're christians and that's the #1 reason but when you've waited and waited to have little people to celebrate with it's SO exciting to smother them in gifts. all season long when karyssa would ask for something i would tell her we'd have to tell santa. and when it was finally time to go see santa to tell him her greatest desire was a cinderella castle she said "i'm gonna ask santa for TWO cinderella castle's!!!" i quickly nipped that in the bud and said "we don't want santa to think we're being greedy, so we need to just ask him for one." last night we gave them their pajamas and when she opened her hello kitty pajamas i said "how did santa know? you told him you wanted a cinderella castle but you never said anything about hello kitty!?!" and she said with christmas magic oozing from every pore "he just KNOWS these things." oh my gawd she is so funny!! tonight at dinner she said "let's go to bed again so santa will come again!" again...nipped it in the bud and told her she was going to have to wait 365 days for him to come again.

asher got a paint pad from uncle brock and aunt liz and today when karyssa went to touch it he started screaming "MINE! MINE! MINE!" he also ran laps around the house with his new wheel-barrel full of stocking stuffer toys. after dinner he took off his pajamas and said "potty!" and ran into the bathroom and went a full potty on the potty and then ran out of the bathroom to tell grandma and grandpa who were on the phone. he was SO proud of himself he leaned into the speaker phone and shouted "POTTY!" ugh! i love that little boy and his achievements. he then ran around the house like a naked banchee and i've got to say he really does have the cutest cheeks ever. i think it's the way the front of his thighs stick out so far you can see them from behind. and then get distracted by the sweet cheeks. mmmmm....have i mentioned how much i love these kids?

both kids got strider bikes and wow karyssa is good on it. she can already pull her feet up and glide. asher will sit on it and push himself along so i'm sure it's just a matter of time before he's cruising on it. good thing because i lay awake at night excited about them riding their strider bikes along the trails as i run along with them. UGH! can't wait to get running regularly again. ps-it's my turn to run a marathon next year and i can't WAIT!

aaaaaaaaanyhow...that's all i can remember for today. so glad to finally have little people to smother with christmas magic.

she makes me GIGGLE!!!!

2011-12-15T22:13:00.003-07:00

on sunday the kids and i went to petsmart to get dog food and a couple toys for tatum for christmas. on the way in the door karyssa said she wanted to walk. this is her new thing. walking in the stores instead of sitting in the cart. so the deal is, if she stays with me she can walk. if i have to tell her not to touch or to keep up or keep with me, in the cart she goes. and i'm usually pretty good at just getting what we went in for. but. i do love fish. so when she got the idea that she'd like a fish i had a hard time saying no. we got the cheapest set up we could get. a simple bowl, and one fish. i let her pick it out. she picked a blue beta and i said "so why did you pick that one?" and she said "because he's blue!" good reason. we went to check out and i said "so what are you gonna name him?" "fishy raditastic" (for privacy reasons i don't post our real last name.) it was the first time i realized she knew her last name. i call her by it all the time. but i never realized she was recording that. i was so excited. i love hearing her say her last name because we gave that to her, like a stamp on her heritage. i love that!

tonight we had a sitter for a couple hours and when we came home paul went in and i took her home. then when i got back paul told me they had convinced her that they could sleep in the same room, in the same bed! he had gone up there and when he opened her door they sat up shoulder to shoulder in the bed. we ate dinner, opened mail, then i started making a pie for dinner with our casa tomorrow night and that's when we heard karyssa calling for me from upstairs. What the?? i went into her room and we got to giggling...pretty quickly...and i said "you sure schnookered paige into quite a few things tonight didn't you?" and she giggled and said "yep!"

oooooh she makes me LAUGH!!!

proof she "doesn't remember"

2011-12-14T09:11:00.003-07:00

the other day i was talking to a therapy group on the phone and they asked me a little about karyssa's history. so i explained "she was 13 months when she came to us through foster care and before that she was highly neglected." she was watching a movie so i got up and walked to the other room so i wouldn't bother her. lately when i go through a drive-thru window or talk to someone on the phone she'll ask "what did you say to that lady?" a little while after the phone call she asked "why did you say that to that lady?" not "what" but "why". i said "do you mean why did i say you were neglected?...do you know what that word means?" and she said "when i was a baby." *tears* yes...exactly like when you were a baby! i didn't know what to say or how to approach it. we want to be honest but i don't want to paint a bad picture of her birth parents for her. if she comes to that conclusion on her own than so be it, truth be told, they deserve it. but i don't want to be the artist of that. so i said "they didn't know how to take good care of you, that's why you got to come and live with mommy and daddy. and i'll make sure you're never neglected again. i'll take very good care of you." not sure if that's a good or bad way to approach it but...i was a little surprised. i mean, she's 3. but now that she can talk all kinds of new information is coming out.

in cute news: asher's been trying to climb stairs like he's just walking up them instead of doing it one foot at a time on each step. it's so cute. and bonus: he finally slept through the night last night. the night before he got up at 4:15 and i went in there and put him back in bed and he screamed bloody murder and paul went in and told him to stop that and get back in bed. and with that we didn't hear another peep from him until after 7:00. little booger. not sure why he listens to daddy and not mommy. i love him. and the other day i was looking at a christmas card a friend had sent me. it had pictures of her 3 girls on the front and i was examining how much they'd changed since their card last year. he was sitting in his chair next to me and saying "i wanna see!" which sounds more like "ionasee!" except that he doesn't just say it once so it was more like "ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!ionasee!" and when i finally caught on and turned the card so he could see the girls he stopped, examined, and said "aaaaawwweeee." it was SO cute! he is such a little character. last night after dinner we were decorating cookies for desert and i went to take pictures and said "say cheese!" and he said "cheese!' and i got my first on-cue picture of him-SMILING! so excited about that development. and lately i've noticed when i say "give mommy a kiss" he hums as he's coming in for the kill. teehee...yes, yes i do that.

*sigh* i love these kids.

more for me than you

2011-12-02T22:12:00.003-07:00

asher has been babbling in paragraphs for a while now but not a single word. sure, he could say momma and daddy...well technically he could say "monny" and "daddy" but then on thanksgiving he started saying "hot!" it was more like "hoh", not really the "t" on the end. well today he said full sentences numerous times. he said "i wanna see" and "see christmas lights". don't get me wrong - i fully do not expect any of you to make out these sentences but when you question him if he really said what he said he says "mmmhm." i'm a little bit floored tonight.

two weeks ago today i caught him up on the end of his crib, riding it like a horse, leaning forward and giving his window raspberries. needless to say we moved him to the big boy bed that weekend. last thing i need is for him to fall from 5 feet in the air onto hard floors. he did not like the move. he had a few nights of straight sleep and then went back to crying during the night. for 2 1/2 hour blocks of time. exhausted we set up the toddler bed in the nook in his bedroom and that seems to be helping. i hate the feng shui in that room now. but i'll figure that out after a few more nights of uninterrupted sleep.

he's been flirting lately. OH it is so cute. he squints both of his eyes and then tries to look at you through all the eye lashes. then he blinks a little bit. adorable. and then he morphed into this shoulder thing where he shrugs just the left side 3 times...he does it when he's teasing or being mischievous. oh my it's adorable.

he loves airplanes the way karyssa loves trains but then the other night in the middle of one of his sleep boycots a train went by (we live in a town where no matter where you live you are within earshot of a train) and at 4:00am, with daddy taking that shift, clear as a bell, i hear from my bedroom *thuck* "choo-choo!" *suck*suck*suck*. he had pulled his passie out to say choo-choo and then stuck it back in maggie simpson style. so it was surprising to me that he had noticed a train when normally he's an airplane man.

i can not kiss his cheeks enough.

he is ALL boy. tonight i set up the train set and made a figure 8 for each of them to play with. on karyssa's side there's silent playing except for the occasional command to not touch her set or to give her yet another coveted train car. and from asher's side i hear a low grumble of "mmmmmmmm-mmmmmmmm-mmmmmm" like a car noise would make. only in his head it was completely appropriate for a train. is that a natural boy thing to make such a noise when playing with something wheeled?

he wants so bad to potty train but he loses interest after half a day. the other day he sat up on the potty and pushed and pushed and when we looked in again there were 3 little turds. karyssa got excited and squealed "he pooped on the potty!!!" only to squeal her gum, freshly earned from her own poop on the potty, right between the 3 turds. bless her little heart. thank god i had more gum.

he FINALLY likes playing in the snow. which is a good thing considering we live in the great state of colorado and there is currently plenty of snow to play in. i think they go outside twice each morning and twice each afternoon, even if it's dusk he'd rather bundle up and play outside than stay inside with me making dinner or tidying the house.

*whew* all this to say i LOOOOOOVE my little boy. he is the most handsome thing i've ever laid eyes on and looking at him makes my eyes dance. i tell him so all the time. i love the way he sits still if i whisper how much i love him in his ear.

apparently i don't play well with others

2011-10-17T21:24:00.003-06:00

some of you are not surprised.
the other day karyssa wanted me to play drive-thru window with her. it's a strange game, especially since we hardly EVER eat from drive-thru windows. paul's work gave the kids this door toy for adoption day. i don't know how else to describe it. it's this...here's a picture of paul and karyssa building it...
somehow the little window next to the door that opens and closes has become her drive-thru window and she is not only the cashier and order taker but also the cook. i come up to the window and ask for coffee and donuts or a cheeseburger or whatever comes to mind and she scurries back there stacking blocks and coming up with different items that become my order. then i pretend the food is delicious and eat it up cookie monster style and then play it all over again. all the while asher is in the background laughing at the way the the blocks fly all over around me when i eat. so the other day she wanted me to be the cashier/cook and pulled up to my window and said "i would like a cheeseburger with extra pickles and a doctor pepper and salad....apple salad." i scurried around and handed her a stack of blocks for each item and she scooped each stack into her arms and pretended to pay me. takin' it up a notch. then she said "thank you, have a nice day." and i realized i say that to EVERY cashier i see. i never noticed that i do that. but she did. i say it at the grocery store, restaurants, the post office, the gas station. i just never noticed that i did. it's so funny the tiny body language she picks up on. and so scary the tiny body language she picks up on.

coup for two, please.

2011-10-15T23:18:00.004-06:00

tonight paul and i walked out of a restaurant before we even ordered. it was the first time in my life i'd ever done it.
not that i'd been counting down the last 300 minutes until eating out or anything. you see, normally on saturdays we put the kids to bed and have some sort of restaurant lunch while they nap. but we're on a tight budget this month. my friend sarah is keeping me motivated. so today we decided instead of eating out for lunch AND dinner we'd be good and eat left overs for lunch and go out only for dinner. so when we sat down at the mexican restaurant and opened the menu we were both highly disappointed to see "american breakfast" and "burgers" on the menu. paul folded his menu closed only to realize their slogan was "homemade food". not that i'm a bad cook, i'm ok, but when we go out the last thing we want is something "homemade". not to mention the only burrito on the menu was handwritten in! the waitress came and asked if we were ready and i said we needed another minute. she walked away and i said "i just don't feel right ordering a burger from el sabor grande." and he said "let's just pay for our drinks and go." that's when i fell in love with him all over again. this boy knows how i love to eat out. so when he said to just pay for our drinks and go to 3 margaritas like aliens to the mother ship i knew he loved me. *sigh* i handed him the cash and no sooner had i done that i noticed a couple ladies at the next table (the only other occupied table) lean towards each other shaking their heads no saying "mine's not good either." *gasp* time to GO!
paul paid for our $4 soda's (hello!!! way too much!!) and we hustled the kids for the door. i had prepped karyssa "we are going to that restaurant that gives us chips and salsa." to which she gleefully headed out the door with out fuss. she loves to eat out as much as i do so i was afraid to leave with out her understanding there were greener pastures in our near future. i giggled all the way to the car as i watched asher climb back into his carseat. what kind of errand his 20 month old mind must have thought we were running to just have sodas and leave i don't know. (btw-happy 20 month birthday, buddy!!) we drove to another place on south main that we had been wanting to try but when we drove up and saw the menu glowing from the front of the restaurant we knew we still weren't at the mother ship. when i go out sometimes i just want to be served. i don't want my butt to move from my seat until dinner is done. if a drink is spilled i don't want to have to be the person to get up for napkins. we finally realized we needed to go where the craving is always put to rest. 3 margaritas. not just any 3 margaritas. there's a certain one that has a better chef, or better salsa maker, or better magic wand. i'm not sure what it is about this particular location but everything is better there. once we pulled in we knew we were in the right place. the mother ship 3 margaritas. mmmmmm. salsa and chips, spicy mexican food, not white people mexican food. no offense, i'm white...but it's not delicigrosso. that's what we call delicisoso. they actually have spinach and gravy on the menu. separate dishes. excUSE me?? i am not eating in no mexican restaurant with spinach or gravy on the menu.
it was so good we even had desert. 2 deserts. one for us, one for the kids. and gave the waiter a 20% tip. some things just call for splurging! *whew* i feel better tonight.

in totally unrelated good news; the other day my neighbor/new friend told me her daughter has been showing interest in potty training. since i'm still at the tail end of training karyssa the last thing on my mind was training asher so i didn't really take it to heart at all. besides, girls and boys develop at completely different rates and her daughter is a few months older than asher. i was excited for her but that was that. no other interest. but then i noticed every time i put asher in the tub he'd look down at his little manhood and pee. 3 times this last week i had to empty the tub and start all over with baby oil and water. then on wednesday karyssa peed on the potty and asher climbed up there. she gets 5 marshmellows for pooping. as soon as she was handed her dowry asher climbed up on the potty and squirted out a little squirt squirt. i said "yay!!! you get 2 marshmellows buddy!!" he climbed down, ate his marshmellows and climbed back up for a few more squirts. what the what?? so i got just as excited, gave him 2 more marshmellows and thought what a stinker he was that he really can control it. tonight was bath night again. i am done emptying the tub repeatedly so i put him on the potty and said "go potty on the potty, buddy." he squirted a half squirt then i put him in the tub, let him warm up for 5 seconds and stuck him back up on the potty and said it again "potty on the potty" and that little thing went POTTY!!! a full potty!!!! i know this is not exactly potty training but i'm gonna keep doing that for a while. when he realized more marshmellows were on the line he pushed and pushed until a little fart came out. i'll keep you posted what this means for my immediate future but let me tell you, if our diaper budget goes down our 3 margaritas budget is going right up!

i should get a free pass

2011-10-13T20:04:00.003-06:00

today was the worst day on record for this momma. asher had a fever yesterday so i couldn't check him into childcare at the rec center when i went to take karyssa to swim lessons. he woke up SUPER late anyway so i brought his cereal in a little snack cup and figured he could just sit on my lap. we got there 5 minutes early and like always i let her play around in the water a little bit. unlike always i was not RIGHT by her side. i told her to stay close to me by the fountains. i kept an eye on her the whole time. i looked down at asher's snack cup, i looked up and she was WAY across the pool. she was bobbing...i thought for a half a second she was ok but then i realized her bobs were getting slower and she was not getting her full head out of water and she was not getting any closer to the edge of the pool. i RAN around the pool towards her. as i got a third of the way there i heard the lifeguard blow her whistle. we got there at the same time but when she lifted karyssa out of the water she was limp. this is when i broke into sobs. i couldn't speak before i got there. i couldn't think fast enough to leave asher with one of the other mom's i sit and talk to twice a week. all i could think was GET TO HER! accidents happen in seconds in the water but with karyssa they happen in nano-seconds. i looked down at asher, or the edge of the pool or something and when i looked up karyssa was fine again. she was alert and breathing. no cpr. i cried and cried. i wanted to take her and just go home but then i don't want to foster a fear of water in her. at this point the head life guard was at the side of the pool to take asher from me while i got a towel for karyssa and the lifeguard carried her back to the edge of the pool. then we had to fill out a form in the lifeguard room and after we were done the head lifeguard asked karyssa if she was ready for swim lessons and took her by the hand out into the water with the other kids. it's such a good thing she did because i still wanted to scoop her up and carry her home and never let her go. the other moms comforted me and told me stories that each one of them had of their kids' near-drowning incident. i know i'm not alone. i know it's not because i wasn't paying attention. the only thing i could have done differently is not let her enter the water to begin with but then, isn't that why we're there at swim lessons??
i'm pretty sure, since i had to deal with infertility, the least god could do is give me a free pass until their 18th birthdays. or give me a pass that says i'll never have to bury my children. when you work so hard for them and have to fight so long isn't that the least he could do? although i'm fairly certain every parent, no matter how you got here, feels the same way. but god, if you're reading...which you may be but you're not a follower *hint*hint*, i'll take my free pass anyway you want to send it. preferably in writing. xo *sigh*

yehdahday

2011-10-09T20:35:00.003-06:00

karyssa has been figuring out yesterday, today, tomorrow, the other day, next week, etc.
so i take her to the calendar and i say "see this square? that's yesterday. yesterday we swam. see this square? it's today, today emily is coming" or whatever. so she's been testing it out. she said to paul "tatum got sick the other day." and i was a little shocked. tatum DID get sick and it WAS the other day. not yesterday. it's so hard to explain because i can't say "one sleep, two sleeps" etc because she still takes naps so when she said "the other day" and not just "yesterday" i was excited. she's finally getting it! and her words are coming out more and more. today paul was working on his new shed and was painting some pegboard. karyssa walked in and said "*gasp* you painted. it looks so nice!" HA! she says SO many things that are exactly what i would have said. i looooove that.
asher has figured out zippers. as of 7:30 this morning. i put him to bed in jammies that zipped all the way up and when i went to get him he had taken off his jammies, except for one foot that he couldn't get off, and his diaper. thank GOD it was not a poopy diaper. UGH! then tonight we could not get him to keep his jacket on because it had a zipper. i remember when karyssa figured out zippers and i realized how much freedom i had just lost in that moment. i could no longer just zip her bows, my makeup, backpacks, etc. away because now she could get into them. well, my friends, asher has now arrived at that moment as well. ha. we wait with anticipation for him to make strides towards growing up and then whamo he does and i can't take it back. he's been babbling in sentences and a couple weeks ago i asked karyssa's speech therapist if i could tell friend-emily something with out her telling therapist-emily and it was that i was concerned about his lack of words. well all of a sudden he's started mimicking sentences. it's sooo cute. today he said, clear as a bell, "up up up!" as he was trying to climb into a chair (that he's not supposed to climb but that's beside the point.)
i love getting to be their mommy but even better: i love that i get to stay home with them every day and see every teeny tiny development. it's worth every penny that i don't make.

my little soccer stud/cheerleader/flirt???

2011-10-08T14:13:00.003-06:00

karyssa had another soccer game this morning and in weeks past i've heard other fields cheering for "asher" so i knew eventually we'd meet this "asher". well today was the day. and at first we couldn't get karyssa to get on the field...then she finally did and i noticed she was running up and down the field holding hands with this little boy. then i heard people calling for him and wouldn't you know, it's the other asher. and he did not object to holding hands with her up and down the field either so the feeling must be mutual. at one point she ran over to me on the sidelines and had me take off her gloves so she could get a better grip on asher's hand hold. WHAT IN THE WORLD?!? she's THREE!! the after the game she says "big asher got a haircut." um. what?? has she been noticing this other little boy for weeks now?? i've never known which kid it was, apparently she's already had her eyes set on him somehow. yikes. getting a teeny bit nervous about the next 15 years.

i hate when i cry. HATE IT!

2011-10-07T22:00:00.002-06:00

today we spoke at the banquet for our local CASA group. we were the main attraction. us. our family. our story.
i wrote out my script weeks ago. i read it over and over. i got up there and said something completely different and cried. in front of almost 300 people. i HATE crying in front of other people. i don't mind public speaking. i love it. i love telling people what's on my mind. but ugh. i HATE crying. i would have done fine but i mentioned how karyssa would let us know when she was hungry when she first came to us. and a woman on the front table burst into tears. UGH! if someone else cries, i cry. no matter how much i can't stand them, i cry. my mother-in-law and husband say i did great. but i could tell my voice was shaking and then when i burst into tears i'm not sure i did ok. and i didn't say anything i wanted to say. UGH! is there a re-do button around here somewhere?
just had to get that off my chest.

another set of in-laws

2011-10-01T13:12:00.004-06:00

i haven't posted in a while because i've been hiding.

when we were just weeks away from adoption day social services sent us an email that the grandparents had contacted them and were wanting to know when visits with the kids would start. uuuuum....a year and a half ago! where have they been??? i shook in my boots all the way to the courthouse just sure the adoptions wouldn't go through because they had re-entered the picture. we met with them and laid as low as possible until they were officially ours.

now it's almost a year later and i still don't know how to process this new set of in-laws. that's how it feels. they aren't quite my family, but they are related. i've been told i have to love them, but i have nothing in common with them. don't get me wrong, i love my real in-laws. but we've been working on this relationship for over 9 years now. and now all of a sudden i feel like social services handed me another set to break in. and i'm not really happy about it. paul and i met with them alone and then we met with them with the kids. it went well. their grandfather is a sweet sweet man that both paul and i would like to get to know better. but he speaks no english. which means, we have to have step-grandma come everywhere we go to translate and i know a teeny tiny bit of spanish...and it's enough to know she is not translating everything we say. and i want him to know some of these stories. and i want him in our lives. and i'm sure the kids will want him in their lives someday too but with out being able to talk to him we're stuck with this extra grandparent that honestly makes me unsettled. i don't know what it is that makes me unsettled about her. she tries, she really does. but there's just something that makes me want to stay quiet and not say anything when i'm around her. i don't like that feeling and i have spent enough time in my life with people that make me feel uneasy like that and i don't trust them. i'm quick to judge and very often wrong.

earlier this summer my case worker, who encouraged us to have this relationship, mentioned that one of her kids was terminally ill and i asked if it was one of her birth kids or adopted kids and she said "it doesn't matter...but it's one of my biological kids." and it took me a while to process why did i ask that? what did it matter? why did she respond that way? and then i realized...if karyssa were terminally ill the first thing i would want to do is get her birth dad back in her life. for him to have closure. she is his baby too. wouldn't it be fair to give him closure just like i would want if the tables were turned? and i realized this woman, our case worker, who guided us through this potentially torrential relationship chose to do the exact OPPOSITE that she encouraged us to do. and i feel wronged. i listened. i obeyed in a way because i didn't know what else to do. and i gotta be honest, my adopted family all encouraged me not to pursue this relationship and now i understand why they said that.

so. all of this to say...we're still muddling through this in-law thing and i've been hiding since i got an email from them 2 months ago that still remains unanswered. i know i need to respond but i don't know what to say other than to send a gift certificate for rosetta stone. *sigh*

we're moving on up (sing it in the george jefferson voice)

2011-07-20T15:15:00.003-06:00

we're back. and we've moved. i am lovin' the new digs like you would not believe. Tatum hasn't stopped smiling since we first showed her the back yard and I'm pretty sure both kids would burst into tears if we pulled up to the townhouse ever again.
the space is awesome. our moving help was even more awesome. i was beginning to freak out that we weren't going to have enough help but as we were pulling away in a caravan of 6 SUV's, trucks and station wagons, complete with 3 LOADED trailers i was humbled to tears that we would have that many people love us enough to come help us move in 90 degree heat. we got possession at 9am and by 2pm were sending people home with their bellies full of pizza.
the first night i had a breakdown. the man who used to live here smoked but we were told "only in the basement, by a window, with a fan blowing out the window." but i turned on the a/c that evening and was overwhelmed with the smell of .... not quite smoke it was more like foofer cigarellos. when we looked at the house i noticed a kind of smell but our realtor didn't notice it. then at inspection we asked her to unplug her foofers 2 days prior and again i asked the realtor and again she couldn't smell it. then i asked the inspector, he's a friend of mine from when i worked with m'lady, and he couldn't smell it either. i was shocked. but because i was the only one convinced and paul was only half convinced i didn't make a big deal about it. until move in night. we were heading out to dinner and i couldn't get out of the house fast enough terrified of what we had just bought. we did some research while we were at dinner and came home and began tackling unpacking boxes. the backyard neighbors left their dog out to screech/bark for 20 minutes straight. i really started worrying about what we had just bought. feeling totally duped on all sides i went to bed with bleach soaked fingertips exhausted, but still hopeful.
i'm happy to say that we've been in the house 10 days now and the smell is completely gone. my mother-in-law helped me bleach down our bedroom walls and karyssa's bedroom walls and the hallway upstairs. asher's room was finally tackled last weekend. it took me all morning to pull all the screws out of the shelving and rods that had been installed ALL the way around the room. i had to replaster the walls in some spots, oil primer them, tint primer them, trim them, paint the ceiling with killz ceiling paint and finally, paint the walls. it's a whole new room in there. it looks so refreshing. i'll get some pictures up soon. i don't have a good before pic because it was so full of clothes you really couldn't see the forest for the trees in there.
the basement was our biggest project. i bleached the ceiling (it's unfinished) with a sponge mop and we've killzed 2 of the walls but got delirious with fumes and had to stop. the main floor has been bleached on the floors only, we've also cleaned the carpets (that will soon be replaced with hard wood floors) and the kitchen has been bleached from top to bottom. ugh. that thing was only surface clean and that grosses me out. the built in shelves around the fireplace have been cleaned and somewhat arranged but i'm a little stuck until we get the basement finished so we can set up the desk so we can get the office stuff unloaded and off the shelves. the upstairs closet has been totally reshelved since the old stuff smelled so bad like a cheap hotel i couldn't even put a toothbrush in there with clear conscience.
it's coming along.
last night karyssa and i began baking, sort of. i let her stay up late since asher was cranky and now they have seperate bedrooms and can go to bed whenever they want to. she helped me make cookie dough balls and today i made ice cream with goat milk and only egg yolks and no whites so asher can FINALLY enjoy some ice cream. it's pretty tasty but still quite mushy so i'm hoping it finishes freezing in the freezer that stands open 50% of the time because it's on the bottom and asher can open it and it's become his #1 hobby. *sigh* and time outs are an absolute game for him so now he's started getting time outs in the pack n play. cute little stinker.

i wanted you more than you will ever know...

2011-06-23T18:54:00.005-06:00

ugh. you're not gonna believe this.
my cousin has recently announced that she's pregnant for the 4th time and it's actually pretty exciting for me. she told me last year that her oldest son, who was moments from making his arrival at the alter at my wedding, told her "you're going to have a girl and you're going to name her cara, with a "c"." so i wasn't surprised to hear they were pregnant again this year.
and she had mentioned that she is already showing, but let's face it. it's her 4th. not THAT big of a surprise. but then yesterday they went to the doctor and the tech said "you're going to have two!" then my cousin said "and what's this spot down here?" uuuummmm....that would be the 3rd!!!
that means she is going to go from 3 kids to 6 kids. SIX KIDS! SIX! 1-2-3-4-5-6!!!!!!!!!
how in the heck is she pregnant with triplets? no drugs. not really trying trying. like charting trying. i guess when i think about "trying" it involves pee sticks and timing and charts and temperatures and doing it just right on the right day and holding your breath and your legs together for the next two weeks so to my knowledge they weren't "trying" and yet....triplets are on their way?! i'm happy for her but HOW is this humanly possible for this to just hApPeN????
*sigh* stupid ovaries. or eggs. or cysts. or gene mutation. or whatever it is exactly that keeps me from conceiving. not that we're "trying" anymore...i'm still way too tired for all that business!

congrats merry & sammy!! i don't say that lightly. love you guys!

and as i waited for the picture on this post to load i heard a *clunk* come from above me. the room karyssa is supposed to be sleeping in. i ran up there to see what mischief she had found and she's laying in bed. huffing and puffing. no sign of mischief other than a drawer pulled out and all the contents crumpled around. so i kissed her good night and went to pull away and she hugged me so tight. we do this thing where i don't pull away and i let her hug me as long as she wants or needs to. then after she had been hugging me for so long i was crying and wondering if someone was going to come looking for me i whispered my favorite line from my favorite children's book: "i wanted you more than you will ever know." she poked at my tears for a while then rolled over to milk the love for all it was worth by lifting her jammies for a back scratch. *snicker* i love that little girl more than she will ever know, no matter how she came to become my daughter.

WHO left me in charge?

2011-06-11T14:30:00.003-06:00

today i called my sister on the brink. since we have decided to buy the flip-flop house and not the fix-up house karyssa has been asking to wear underpants again. but she still choses to poop in her pants instead of on the potty even if she's given the opportunity to use the potty 5 minutes before pooping in her pants. it makes me so angry. and i'm not doing well hiding it anymore. so today with poop in her swimsuit i had to drag her into the bathroom and then try to salvage her swimsuit. when it's underpants i throw them away. her brand new swimsuit-i can't do it. this is when i decided i needed to talk to someone who's been down this road before and come out with a potty trained child, girl preferably. we got to talking about when karyssa decided to go back into pants and it really was when we took her to the flip-flop house and told her we were going to buy that house instead of the "blue house". and missy (my sister) said "well, didn't they smoke pot in the blue house?"

"........um. yes. yes they did." with out sharing too much information on karyssa's case, trying to think how to say this tactfully, ........she has smelled pot smoke before and it wasn't in a happy time in her life. there. that's the best way i can think of saying it. and smell is the strongest sense for memories. so everytime we went in that house karyssa's insides froze. and now i feel like the biggest doof for not putting the pieces together quicker. there's no WAY we could have bought that house and had karyssa have any sense of security. i told paul what me and missy put together...ok...what missy put together and we both felt awful that we didn't think of it.

somehow we forget she has a past. in our minds she's ours and she always has been. and i think because so many people tell us "she doesn't remember" or "she was too young" or "it's been too long" that we believe them. but what we have to remember is WE are her parents and WE know she does remember, she's not too young, and forever won't be long enough for her to forget where she comes from. the other night when i was putting her to bed i gave her a hug and whispered "you're my best friend." and she hugged me extra EXTRA long. it's times like that i realize she does get it and she does know where she's come from and what we mean.

and a little part of me gets a little mad at her birth parents for not taking better care of my baby before she came to us.

We HaVe A dAtE!!!!!

2011-06-10T06:09:00.009-06:00

i've had a lot on my mind the last couple days since wednesday we decided to put an offer in on the flip-flop house and yesterday we came to agreement and are offically under contract. i am so excited and i'm a bit surprised at myself because we so weren't fans of that house the first time we looked at it. i think it's because i had my heart SO set on the fix-up house. but then with the sewer backing up and going back in there and feeling it's delapidatedness and thinking of all that work and all of our savings depleted the math just didn't add up no matter how hard we tried to force it.
we started questioning ourselves the other night after seeing both houses and i said "if we got the flip-flop house, would we ever look at the fix-up house and wonder what could have been?" we both like the idea of the sweat equity but both firmly answered ourselves with "no." and if we got the fix-up house i think we always would have said "i wonder how much money we would have now if we had bought the flip-flop house." and the math only ends up to be about $150 more. which is odd and amazing considering what we would be giving up for that $150 savings a month.
this morning asher woke up with a tiny cry at 5:30 and then paul's alarm went off and i woke up thinking "what color should we paint asher's room?" heehee. right now it's bright red. santa red. and it has closet rods all the way around the 12' x 12' room. and the closet is all shelves, which is actually pretty usable since he has about 3 things that i hang up and no dresser. BUT the red has got to go. we love that color-our kitchen in florida is currently that color but for a baby's bedroom it's a bit angry. we'll need to take down the clothes rods and patch in the holes and primer it and then....green? vibrant green or calm green? or brown? khaki or chocolate? or blue? slate or baby? but then the foster bedroom is a slate blue color and i LOVE it. our friends brian & christina have a slate blue kitchen and it is the most beautiful color of blue. seriously both paul and i have loved that color since we saw their kitchen and it's the closest i've ever seen to that color since. so it will not change one iota. and karyssa's room is already a pale lavender color which is exactly what we wanted. purple means royalty. which she is. and green means healing, blue means peace and brown means stabilizing but also a lazy person and repressed personality. um...i think brown is out.
and the best part is we don't have to wait months and months for a bank to decide our fate. i am so excited.

in cute kid news: they have been doing the cutest things lately i just have to share. on wednesday i took karyssa to see "how to train your dragon" and numerous times i had to remind karyssa we weren't the only ones in the theater as she was standing in her chair with both fists in the air screaming "WOOHOO!" or "THEY'RE FLYING!! MOMMY!! THEY'RE FLYING!!" and "HE DID IT!!" each at the top of her lungs. but seriously how do you not find joy in that. adorable. love that baby girl. she had so much fun she cried all the way home. last night we went to sears to return a microwave that we had gotten in preparation for the fix-up house and karyssa saw the theater door again. she has a CRAZY memory map in her head. and she began to sob all over again. we went in, did our business and came out and again she recognized where we were and started crying all over again. she is so funny!! here she is in her seat at the theater.

asher is getting so smart. when paul puts his shoes on asher goes to the shoe basket and picks out his shoes. not any random shoes-HIS shoes-and takes them to paul to put on him so he can go with him. aaaaaawweee! he LOVES his daddy. and i mean LOVES him. he's been squealing lately and it is so loud it makes my ears ring. i have sensitive ears anyway but with him squealing all afternoon OMG! i can't handle it. he gets a finger thump on the head but i'm not sure he's connecting "every time i squeal i get thumped on the head" because it's not enough to hurt him, just enough to surprise him out of squealing. love those babies.

and here's just a cute one of the little man doing what the little man does:

craptastic!!

2011-06-08T00:09:00.003-06:00

the plot thickens with this dang house issue.
our realtor called and said the other realtor called her and told her to do an amend/extend changing the sales price and submit it to the bank. aaaaaaaaand...fyi...the kids (adult kids) went back to the house to get some of the last few items left and the sewer had backed up into the basement.
ok-there are a lot of puns for this but my automatic first response was "are you $h!++!ng me?!" seriously what else can go wrong with this house? and do we want to stick around and find out?
so we scheduled a 2nd showing for the flip-flop house for 5:30 and decided to go look at the sewer damage afterwards since the houses are 2 streets apart.
at 4:40 i'm doing the dishes and asher walks in from playing in the kiddie pool on the front porch with sand in his armpit. or is it dirt..wait...what's on his hand? then it hit me. oh gawd please be dirt! oh no, you guessed it. poop! and not his own poop! i've mentioned we gave up on potty training...well poop still happens and now that she knows what it feels like when it's coming she can target practice better than before when she wore diapers. UGH! UGH! UGH!
into the tub they went at 4:45!!!!! at 5:10 when i'm lotioning and potioning them up and drying their hair and trying to wash all the baby oil out of their hair AGAIN (i have to add tons of baby oil to their baths because of asher's eczema) it hit me: i've gotta have dinner ready for the minute we get back or the kids will go bonkers hungry! or we could pick up carry out. ugh! but the dining budget is so tight i can't stand having to cook over the weekend. so down to the kitchen i went and put empenadas in the oven with the timer thing. man that timer thing saves my life at least once a week. then out the door we hussled with snack cups and sippy cups and baby oil slicked hair. who cares? i figured she could just go with the fresh-out-of-the-tub look this time.
somehow we made it at 5:22.
and somehow this time i liked the house. i don't know. it may be because i've had months, literally 3 at this point, to get used to the first house that maybe i just couldn't make the house flip-flop in my head. paul met us there and looked again to see what our harley options are and he feels like we have a little more hope than he felt the other day when we looked at it. and the whole house radio was still playing, and still makes me giggle, but hey-i could listen to slacker and steve every afternoon while i make dinner. that's not all bad. maybe we could upgrade it someday. soooooo all this to say after a total crap filled day maybe we have found our future home. time will tell. i'm in no hurry to do anything tonight, er, uh, this morning, but clearly i can't sleep. it's 12:19am and i'm watching the videos i took of the house and looking at maps and over analyzing as only i do best. well, my friend jill is the best over analyzer i've ever met but i'm coming a close 2nd on all this house shopping business.

the house situation. the foster world. and other misc crap on my mind.

2011-06-07T07:29:00.004-06:00

sooooo the house saga continues. we went to look at this other house that is the EXACT same house as the one we love and want to buy. it's just the flip-flopped version of it.
it's a really nice house. she's done some nice upgrades.
and then there's other parts about it that are.....well....just not things we would do. they aren't bad things. there's a whole house radio that she had set to light jazz while we where there. and it's the old 70's kind. i have no idea how it's still working but it is. like standing in an elevator for 30-45 minutes. there are speakers ALL over the house. the front porch, the back porch, every bathroom, the hallway, her bedroom...i mean all the heck over the house. and the wood floors that she laid down are pergo-ish kind of floors. very nice. wilsonart i think the listing called them. but we are more real hardwood kind of people. the kitchen is impeccable. spotless. clean white cabinets. we like a little bit of color. and the thing is everything is very nice-no point in replacing any of it. it's gonna be perfect. for someone else. and it may still be perfect for us. the only problem is we have a harley, a pick up truck and now the volvo wagon. (say volvo in a snobby voice.) and there's a cement pad in the back corner of the yard, on the opposite side from the garage, so it's not like we could pull the harley around the garage...we'd have to pull it around the other side of the house...it just doesn't work. and it's not on a corner lot so we would lose a lot of yard. a LOT of yard. and we need that space to make the harley work since the garage is too tight.
so...going back to the first house...there are a couple different loan options, neither of which lend themselves to making the fixes and the payment reasonable enough to justify it.
and i just keep thinking i want to be excited about it. why spend all of our savings and buy a house we're not excited about? this is the only time in our lives that we are gonna have this big of a wad of cash to put towards a house. i want it to be right!!!
anyway-enough about things in life that don't matter.
the foster world is sucking mud. they say it's "in the best interest of the child" but the need a caveat of "if the budget allows."
all the decisions in boulder county are being made based on the almighty dollar. and you would be hard pressed to find a foster mom that wouldn't give up the monthly stipend, the whole whopping $300 to spend willy nilly however you need {roll eyes}, if it meant their foster child could stay with them and be safe than to go to a birth parent or family member who has no idea or abilities to care for them. i don't care how thick they sayings say blood is. the love of a foster parent is far stronger than that blood. the same blood that allowed that child to get in harms way. they cannot take a child away from birth family unless they are in danger of death. which means the people these kids are coming from have put them so far out into harms way that they could have died. it is illegal for them to take them for anything less. and yet they are the same people the county fights to put the kids back with.
the boys we had in february are being split up. i've been sick to my stomach when i think about it ever since i got the email. apparently they have different birth dads. so instead of leaving them together in the loving foster home that they have with all the stability and therapies in place that they need to be successful in life they are going to rip one boy out and leave the other boy in the foster home. unless they can find some deadbeat that's blood related and then by god they might as well rip him out of his security too. they don't even split up dogs at the humane society when they are "brothers" how can they do this to real live human children? how are they not a package deal. and i just think back when they transitioned from our house to their new foster home and how i promised, the case worker for the boys promised, the case worker for me promised that they would always stay together because they are brothers and nobody would ever split them up.
oh except for the same people that made that promise because we found your sperm donor. give me a fucking break. i'm so pissed i just want to stand up and scream but who would listen? who can i scream at? he's the biological dad-he's blood. that must make him qualified. right? nevermind the fact that he has so many other children that this will be overwhelming to even the most educated, level-headed parent.
and then there's my friend who has been watching her foster daughter for months even though she went back to her #1 birth mom over a year ago. social services decided to close the case and the other day lovebug's mom called and said she was taking her to stay with her sister for the summer. hours away where she'll have no other support, not that she has any here, but at least lovebug has somewhere to go when her mom is unable to function for months at a time.
how can it be that all of these babies are left to fend for themselves in their best interest. that's what WE are here for. that's why there ARE foster parents out there. and i get it, there are some crappy foster parents. there are some real scary people out there. but the foster parents i have met are not those people. and maybe somewhere in boulder county there is a deadbeat foster parent, but they don't come to support groups. they aren't in my circle or any of my foster-friends circles because none of us have met them. i know fostering pays good money. when i left my real estate career i bumped into a woman from my old office. and either she thought i made pennies for pay or she thinks fostering is a lucrative business but she said "and it's about the same pay right?" i was so shocked. my mind said "or an eighth of it...something like that." but i really said "oh no! fostering doesn't pay that much."
anyway-i've derailed.
all of this to say if you pray please pray for miracles for lovebug and our foster boys.
i do realize how blessed we are that we were able to go all the way through to adoption with both of our children. it brings tears to my eyes in 2 ways...one: that we are so blessed and i do not, even for a day, take that for granted. and two: for my foster friends still in the roller coaster. my thoughts are with you continually.

work with me or shove it!

2011-06-03T15:17:00.002-06:00

overnight a house came into our price range that is the EXACT same house but flip flopped in the EXACT same neighborhood with nice siding, yard, flooring, kitchen, etc etc etc just quiiiiite a bit more. it's still in our price range, technically but it's at the VERY top.
after talking to the lender and looking at pics and mulling it over last night paul and i are ready to move on.
i think blogging about it helped me sort out exactly the facts. it's not that we're throwing in the towel completely on the first house, but heck, if there's another option out there in our price range why not consider it.
i know i won't get back the inspection money or the appraisal money but i'd rather lose $1,000 to find out it's the wrong house than $200,000 and still have all those problems on my plate.
i'm biting my nails and waiting for our realtor to call us back to see how quickly we can see this 2nd house.
i've fallen in love before, i can fall in love again.

dammit! studies show cussing is good for your heart.

2011-06-02T20:23:00.004-06:00

so i mentioned that we're buying a house. aaaaaaaand we hit a snag. it's not that the house reeks so bad of pot that i have to keep the kids in the back yard, or the fact that the front porch has a crack in it 4 inches deep that runs the entire length of the porch, or the fact that the radon came in just over what is acceptable, or the fact that the basement bedroom seems to be inhabited by an amazon woman with a fetish for cfm heels and finds no need to put away the jug of vaseline she seems to store on her bed, or the fact that the carpet in the entire house has to be replaced because of nasty cats. i hate cats. i don't mind other people's cats but as far as i'm concerned i will never say "my cat" in this lifetime. or the fact that the hvac needs a total upgrade, or the fact that the kitchen is on its last leg. seriously-i'm starting to wonder what, exactly, it is about this house that makes us want to move in tomorrow.
but the real reason why we've hit a snag is because it says on the sellers property disclosure that there was something with the sewer in 2010 so when the inspector suggested we get a separate sewer inspection we did it. but they couldn't get through the pipe. hmmm. curious. the sellers have to have the pipe cleaned out so we can do it again. that means $215 for the first scope, $130 for the cleanout, and $165 for the first guy to come back and rescope it. grrrrr! now i'm pissed. if nothing else, at least take care of your own poop for crying out loud.
i found someone else to clean it out for $125 AND scope it for $125. way cheaper than the other option. today he came and cleaned it out and got a little further than the first guy buuut still can't get through.
ps-the pipes are the old clay pipes. which means where the sidewalk has been marked to replace this week because of sinking is probably exactly where the pipes seem to have a blockage. aka-crushed. so the water, i think, is still following the cavity where the pipe used to be. it's still getting out to the street but not the right way.
that made us go inside and ask the grown son who lives there what happened to that sewer thing on the disclosure? this is what we were told: "we had this huge party and the next morning we woke up and a cast iron pipe had burst in the basement and there was sewage spewing into the basement." seriously?? so i clarified home owner's insurance covered it? "no...we had to have these people come in and chemically wash it down and replace the carpet and everything."
i have all kinds of theories of what's happened between there and here but that's a whole 'nother blog post.
needless to say our closing for next friday is off. i've called everyone to notify them to hold off until we know further. but this is almost a deal breaker for me. i'm fine with it. i'm bummed. i'm hoping it's still gonna come together...but the light that was at the end of my tunnel for getting into the house and having all the extra space etc is now sooooooooo much further away i can hardly think about it. and my new neighbor, whom i lovingly call foghorn, gets louder by the day.

rounding the corner....d'oh!

2011-06-02T08:13:00.002-06:00

this morning karyssa came running past me "potty...mom...potty!" i said "great! let me know when you're done and you can have some candy." then she went into the bathroom and i heard a tinkle tinkle tinkle. i walked in to help her wipe only to find her dora seat on the toilet and her standing next to it tinkling on the floor. and it was her first morning pee-let me tell you that tiny thing can hold some pee!!! *sigh* good thing i'm taking my new stance of potty-training-can-wait.
neither one of us have said anything about the candy but i'm letting her enjoy a cup of coffee with me. i put about a tablespoon of decaf in her little toy mug.

the familiar feeling of loss

2011-06-01T14:01:00.005-06:00

i know what some of you are thinking. where did she go? she was blogging every day and now she's gone again!
well...i've been busy.
we are buying a house. after 3 years of living in the same place (longer than we've lived anywhere in our married life) we're ready to buy a house and put down, *gasp* dare i say it, roots!
after looking and looking for months we found a house we loved. we put an offer in and it's a short sale. we waited FOREVER for the lender to sign off. they finally came back and so began our inspection and appraisal and paperwork and then another inspection for the sewer. i farmed the kids out to friends and spent 3 hours at the inspection but it went longer than we planned. i decided to go pick up karyssa to let her spend some time in the house to help her get used to the idea and understand what all the packing and boxes meant. um. turns out that was a mistake. she's been potty trained since we had the boys here this february...until...friday when i took her over to the house and showed her what room will be hers and explained. we thought she understood because she asks to drive "by house" or "buy house" every time we're on that side of town but now i'm wondering if she truly understood what we meant.
to karyssa, this place is home. it's safe. it's what she knows. and i kind of suspect she still remembers where she lived before she came here. and i'm not sure if she's in a panic about what the new house means. i explain to her that mommy and daddy and asher are coming too. and she adds "patuh?" (tatum, the dog.) yes, tatum is coming too. i pack boxes where she can see me. i've taken down our pictures. i talk about when we're in the new house and we can get a wading pool and a swing set....but i think for her moving into the new house is a loss of everything familiar all over again. when she came to us, even though our house was "better" than what she'd been in it was a new place, new bed, new room, new parents, new rules, new foods, new smells, and in all that new was a loss for her. much like people who lose everything in a fire, for her it was a loss of her place, a loss of her bed, a loss of her room, a loss of her parents, a loss of the rules she knew, a loss of smells she knew. *sigh* needless to say she's been peeing and pooping in her pants consistently since friday. poor baby. asher couldn't care less. if he thinks all 4 of us are together at taco bell we're home. not karyssa. she gets it. she's older and she's experienced this kind of major change before.
we've had talks about potty training, where to go, what the move will mean etc but i am going to just put her back into diapers and let her know it's ok to take a break from potty training. it's not forever, we'll get back to task after we get into the house and get unpacked and it's our new familiar. in the meantime i have to remember that for karyssa this feeling is not a new one but it doesn't make it any less scary to expect the feeling of loss.

focus on the family has very boring writers

2011-05-24T15:03:00.004-06:00

we got into foster care because of the "wait no more" conference held by focus. they took surveys and then later followed up and have asked us if they can use our story. i said sure and sent them a brief story. ok...not so brief story...and they just wrote back with the "cleaned up" version.

bwahahahahahahaha! i'm pretty sure i will never be selected to be a writer for focus for many reasons. i use the word "stirrups" when explaining why infertility treatments weren't for us. and i'm rather straightforward in my writing style. and i'm pretty sure focus cares if they offend people in their pamphlets and information. uuuuum we don't share the same writing philosophies. i figure if someone wants to read my opinion i can give my opinion. must not work the same for non-profit-bible-based organizations who have hundreds of people waiting to rip them to pieces.

just for kicks i'll give you the short focus version of our story...does this even SOUND like me???
“We had already filled out our international adoption application when some friends mentioned the Wait No More conference. We were not expecting it to be about adoption from foster care. The conference helped me see that every child needs the love of a family. By the time the last speaker spoke I was in tears and my husband was silent. We looked at each other and said "This is it." Three years have passed and we have been fortunate enough to finalize on the adoption of both our daughter and our son this past November. We feel like we have been called to wrap ourselves around these kids and love them and their families.”
so proper and polite. gag! but alas, i will sign so they can use our story for other hopeful foster parents.

just going to the park....seriously???

2011-05-23T09:47:00.004-06:00

this weekend our HOA built this AMAZING play structure. there used to be a white barn that got infested with bees so they had to tear it down. in its place they put a sand pit. we loved it. then last tuesday i was sweeping the front porch and a guy walked up and said "sorry, i'm just getting these flyers out." and handed me a flyer. i think i heard angels singing a chorus about the same time. it has been something i've been dying for. a park within walking distance. it's awesome. saturday we went over to check out the progress and holy cow-i see i'm not the only one dying for a park over here. there were probably 20 families over there. dads helping out. moms watching the kids jump on the play equipment in heaps on the ground.
so sunday we scurried over to play only to find signs up that read, simply: "not until monday". ha!
this morning we ate breakfast, got dressed and rushed over first thing. it was awesome. there's only one piece missing...some sort of bridge but they'll get it installed later in the week. in the meantime we can play on it. it has 5 slides. 3 of which are all sorts of bumpiness.
they also are working out the kinks to the sprinkler system. um. we helped work out the kinks. there was water on the slides. water in the sand. water spraying every direction. i moved the boob stroller out of the way numerous times only to come back and find that i moved it right in the line of fire of the next cycle of sprinklers. i tucked my cell phone into the canopy of the stroller only to find that it was then sitting in a pool of water later. i had taken the dog and her ball thrower. she's now covered in wet sand and has been left on the front porch, along with the boob, to dry out. my cell phone crackles every time i open or close it or push a button. and when i looked over to tell karyssa, for the 5th time, to come out of the sprinklers, she was hunched over saying "mommy...potty!" "in your pants??" "yup" "do you have any left to go?" "yup" "this is why i asked you before we left if you had to potty!!!" at that point i realized i couldn't put her back in the wet boob or she'd just finish peeing in the stroller. so i took her pants off, squatted her over and told her to hurry and pee in the grass. (i'm pretty sure THAT'S against HOA regulations.) in my defense, when i asked her about going potty before we left she said she didn't have to go...she's sort of like a camel drinking when it comes to peeing. she really can go a LONG time before she has to go, so i believed her. but she is 2...i shouldn't have believed her.
after a few more minutes of all of that nonsense and i packed up our circus and came home.
now for our next trick we're gonna go to the store and try to use up some wic checks. *sigh*

edited to add: while we were at the store using those wic checks up my email got hacked. *sigh*sigh*

it's all my mother's fault.

2011-05-20T22:09:00.005-06:00

well, i did it. in case anyone is wondering and you live in the state of colorado elevations credit union has my full endorsement. bellco...could use a little work. and maybe a few more processors or a few less marketers. it took bellco a week and still couldn't do what elevations could do in a day.
that being said, i am now the proud new owner of the volvo and i have to say......i'm LOVING it.
i did cry. and it's all my mother's fault. when we were little she personified EVERYTHING. i have to say she did raise 4 very empathetic children so she must not have gone wrong but seriously have i mentioned i can't even buy a christmas tree?
for real.
we have a fake christmas tree because year after year paul and i would go to the christmas tree lot only for me to leave in tears because of all the trees "that gave their lives to be picked and we weren't chosing it." it is nuts. i am aware. but when we were little my parents would take all 4 of us kids to the christmas tree lots and we would wander around whispering which tree we liked never mentioning the ones we didn't then we'd all climb back in the car choking back tears as my mom talked for all the other trees we didn't pick. she did this to lots of inanimate objects or animals. sometimes she'd get us rolling with laughter talking as if she were a cat. or get us just on the verge of tears talking as if she were a tree, or a park bench, or anything that she thought needed personifying. it is this reason that i had a hard time tonight. but i made out like a champ until we drove away, and i looked over to take one more look at my car and blew it a kiss and broke down into tears.
oh good god. i'm crying right now.
it was such a great car and like i said, i found myself in that car. it held a lot of memories...and even a couple secrets. this afternoon when i was cleaning it out i found a couple tokens from our little clepto foster daughter. oh how i miss her laugh. and the time i was making vegan ice cream for the above daughter and her sister and as soon as i got the tofu ingredients in the ice cream maker it went capoot. into the honda we went to ace to get the ONLY ice cream maker in town. that night it RAINED and RAINED. the next morning, late as usual, me and the 2 girls hopped in the car then hopped OUT of the car screaming "why are my pants wet?!?" we looked up and i realized in my haste to get the ice cream made before the ingredients went bad i had left the sunroof open. and then the most special memory of all: picking karyssa up from the hospital in that car. wrangling the car seat into that car with the case worker, neither one of us having a clue how to install a baby seat, in 95 degree weather in july. *sigh* (asher was brought home by the case worker.)
after i looked over and blew the honda a kiss i cried and cried. but then the light turned green and i took off in my new car that rides like a cloud! my little white cloud!! it's gonna be amazing!! and like my friend juju says "we're gonna make new memories in our cars."
ooo-and i might add my new mother's day bracelet shines beautifully in that car.

the dang camera keeps focusing on my dang freckles! it says karyssa and has her birthstone, then asher and his birthstone, then me, then paul. the stones look BEAUTIFUL together.

2 going on 17...and other bits of news

2011-05-19T12:40:00.004-06:00

i took the kids swimming today. it's the 4th time we've gone swimming since i got asher his floatie suit. they both have one. they look ridiculous in them, like i'm terrified of the water. but really it's because they both go full speed ahead in opposite directions. karyssa is FEARLESS in the water. she does summersaults in the tub and i'm not exaggerating. so when i go by myself i put both of them in their little floatie suits. the first time i couldn't take my hands off asher. he just rolled around in the water bobbing with no particular end up. the next time he got that there was a method to the madness. then last week he realized he can keep his head above water and he figured out how to stand up once he fell onto his belly. today he swam. he SWAM for crying out loud. how in the world does a 15 month old figure that out?? i still have to plug my nose (although i don't let the kids see me do it because i don't want them to be cursed with that.) but i let go and he waved his little arms and he kicked his little legs and he GOT to where he was trying to go! if it's straight ahead of him. if it's to the side he tips himself over that way and then floop right onto his back. so we got some work to do but i'm so excited he swam today! i'm determined to take them every week so they will be comfortable in the water.

then i put them in babysitting and worked out myself. i accidentally got on a machine today that looked like an eliptical machine-my favorite-but it worked more like a stairmaster. it was sort of like i ran bleachers for 30 minutes. whoa. won't be doing those again until i'm ready for a butt blaster. last week i made the mistake of swimming only and boy that did not go over well with miss thang. each week i get a little better at this whole process. i got them out of the pool, gave them showers, lotioned them up, gave them snacks (that was my brilliant new idea this week) then took them to babysitting and they both did great! when i went to pick them up the woman that runs the babysitting said "wow she's quite a big girl huh?" and i was like "oh ya, she's going on 17. i'm scared." she said that karyssa was trying to play with the older girls, they were maybe 4 or 5, but they didn't want to play with her because she doesn't talk so they thought she was a baby. and she's tiny too so it's not like size helps her anti-baby appearance. *sigh* gotta work on that speech therapy stuff. not that i want her to be a big girl, but i don't want her to be shunned by other kids because "she's a baby". my poor baby. oops-wait...i mean, my poor big girl. and then we came home and she insisted on making her own PBJ for lunch and she did it! she needed help with the peanut butter but she did the rest herself. i was a little shocked. she's 2 for pete's sake!!

i love those little biscuits. they are my best friends.

oo-and side note-this is kinda random-i came home and my mother's day present was on the front step. although i have been instructed NOT to open it until paul gets home. this is gonna be a long afternoon!!!

i'm letting my brand new car go.

2011-05-18T19:58:00.000-06:00

i hate to say "out with the old, in with the new." or "move over bacon...now there's something meatier." or "there's a little more to love in a plumper." there's just NO nice way to say it.
*sigh*
i'm letting my brand new car go.
after 11 years of INCREDIBLE service....it's time to (i can't even say it) upgrade. it's not that i want an upgrade...to say that is to imply that my honda is a lowgrade. it's been an AMAZING car. i still see it as the brand new car i drove off the lot. it was the summer of 2000 and my legs were itching for a roadtrip. so i went to the local honda dealership and slapped down $1,000 and said "i want a civic in plum with a sunroof and cd player." that was that. a few days later in came my car on a big old truck and off i went. i drove all OVER the country. boston, florida, colorado. that was when i fell in love with colorado. i'd never been here before. my parents always went to texas or florida for family vacations. and by the time i got back to illinois 20,000 miles and 3 months later me and my car had bonded. i mean BONDED. i think it's safe to say i found myself in that car.
i bought a 4 door so when i had kids it would be paid off. little did i know how long i'd have it paid off by the time i finally had kids!
a few years later it had it's first nose job. paul was driving and some idiot (i don't usually call people idiots unless they deserve it) pulled off on the LEFT side of I-25 south and "Mad Sexy" in front of us slammed on her brakes and in we drove to the back of her. i know she was "Mad Sexy" because the back of her window had a humungous sticker that told me so. we still joke about how neither mad (for our benefit) nor sexy (just an observation) she was.
i know about every service it's had or oil change it's missed...oops! i know EVERYTHING about that car.
so with great reservation, i announce the new-to-me car that will attempt to fill the honda's shoes.
it's a volvo. and i love how safe it is. it has an amazing carfax report. i have faith it will be a good car. it can fit one more car seat into the backseat and has 2 more seats in the way back that fold down. so when karyssa's 14 and no longer needs a booster seat she can sit back there. the boob stroller (my 2nd bob stroller) will fit in there with out having to wrangle its tires off. and we will have a way to drive extra kiddos around in the near future. and it still gets good gas mileage.
i assure you there will be tears when i have to hand over the keys to the honda and actually walk away and leave it at the dealership. it truly will feel like i'm leaving a child somewhere i'm not supposed to leave a child. i hope the next person loves that car as much as i have.
i do know that karyssa is loving the volvo. when we had to leave it at the dealership while we work out financing she cried "whiiiiiiiiiite!!" for about 15 miles. *sigh* girl loves an upgrade.

top 10 things i wish people knew about me when i'm using WIC checks

2011-05-16T21:40:00.003-06:00

1. wic checks and food stamps are 2 totally different things.

2. actually, yes, i am married to a mexican. just as much as i'm married to an american.

3. i love my "effin' half breeds" as much as you love your little wasps.

4. i get wic checks until my kids are 5 years old wether my husband makes $100 a year or $100,000 a year. if you've got a problem with it you can adopt your own child from foster care.

5. i will not apologize for choosing to adopt through foster care because of all the assistance that comes with them.

6. i bought these pants from a goodwill store in florida 3 years ago, these shoes are from target 5 years ago and my shirt is so old i have to wash it every time i wear it and yes, i'm wearing deodorant.

7. i don't buy the kroger brand because i'm so poor, i buy it because i'm so frugal and i found out i love kroger brand of everything.

8. i can hear you huffing and puffing when you see me give the wic check to the cashier.

9. i quit a job making more than i ever thought i'd make to take care of my babies, i did not have babies so i could live off the system. if you only knew my struggle just to get here you'd realize what a jerk you're being.

10. i know you're judging me because you are ignorant and that is why i am not screaming 1-9 at you. it's not your fault you have these thoughts about people using wic. there are a lot of people who do abuse the system, i just happen to not be one of them.

the little things i LOVE about my son

2011-05-14T07:50:00.007-06:00

because karyssa talks she gets posted on the blog so much. some of you might be wondering if i even like asher. and i do. so here are a few of the little things i love about him:

>when he was a baby he had horrible skin which then turned into eczema when he was just a few months old. after we got some prescription creams his eczema went away but this little freckle/mole on his ankle stayed. i love it.

>he smells like honey ALL the time.

>he doesn't sleep as well as karyssa. this should be a negative but i love the alone time we get at naptime.

>he does sleep well in the mornings and when he finally wakes up and i come in the room i love the way he RUNS to the end of his crib to get to me faster.

>he growls all the time. it's so very very boylike.

>he can double fist a passie like nobody's business. watch below.

>his favorite toy is anything long and walkable. the bug net (although he walks with it in front of him like he's pushing a broom), or the play vacuum, or the kiddie broom, or a play lawn mower.

>he could kazoo before his first birthday.

>he lets you know when he's proud of himself.

>he is the happiest baby i've ever met. smiled and laughed non-stop until he turned 14 months. now he has opinions but they're not a downside.

>when you catch him doing something he's not supposed to do he leans over, with a passie in his mouth, and growls through the passie and smiles so big his nose scrunches.

>he. is. SO. tolerant!!

>even though the therapists picked on him for months before i'd had enough, he hit all his milestones way early. except teeth. he finally got his last 4 teeth in the last few weeks making a grand total of 6 teeth and he's 15 months.

> he sucks his bottles and his passies out the side of his mouth like a cigar. little mobster.

>when he's sick he's the best snuggler. otherwise you gotta get 'em on the run.

>i know i've already said this one but it's worth 2 points-he smells like honey. it's his natural smell.

>i love the way he sleeps on his tummy with his butt in the air.

>he plays with trucks and cars now and sometimes he makes the "rrrrrrrrrrrrr" or "mmmmmmmm" (when the passie is preventing the "rrrr") sound.

*sigh* there are so many more that i just can't think of at the moment. i love calling him "my son" and knowing that he's stuck with me forever.

the most tactful response ever

2011-05-13T12:53:00.003-06:00

today i went to the park with my friend suzanne and baby g. and there was a woman there with blonde hair and her dark as night adopted child from africa. it was clear that she wasn't the birth mom because even if the birth dad were the darkest skinned man on earth it would be genetically impossible to have this dark of a child and be her birth mom. which, of course, leads to questions. which usually leads to more questions. and anyone that makes eye contact is then forced into the Q and A session of this baby's origin and then *gasp* a nosy nelly mom did it. she asked the dreaded question to all adoptive parents. we all know it's coming but most people with a shred of tact stop themselves short before asking "so...do you know her story?"
ok..this would be equivalent to me walking up to your best friend, with you standing there, and ask what the most painful/humiliating/rip the bandaid off moment has ever been in your life. i will only say this once: IT IS NONE OF YOUR FREAKING BUSINESS!!! if you want to know "someone's story" adopt a child yourself and know that child's story. if that doesn't clear it up for you it would be equivalent to me grilling you on the night of conception of your birth child. do you want to share that intimate moment? probably not. does it matter if you were doing it missionary or doggie? again no. NONE OF MY FRIGGIN' BUSINESS.
so next time you are at the park, or at the store, or at story time at the library and someone walks in with a child you suspect might have been adopted why don't you open with how your child was conceived instead of starting with how their child came into their family.
suzanne and i were both very impressed with the woman's response. as you can tell mine would not ever qualify for the most tactful response ever. hers was simply this: "we do know her story, and we want her to be the first one to hear it." and upon hearing that i wanted to be her best friend. as we all know, i could use a little more tact.

my american idol version of what happened

2011-05-09T08:49:00.005-06:00

i know the other mom has her version of what happened on friday. so read this with a grain of salt.
our town does this thing on fridays, tiny town, and it is for toddlers/preschoolers to come and there's big wheels and tricycles and gymnastic equipment and blocks and balls and you name it - it's a sensory overload for preschoolers and an AMAZING way to get energy out of both kids. for that reason we like to go. buuuuut my only problem is some of the other moms.
once a woman i refer to as saggy tits mom, i know this because regardless of her size she refuses to wear a bra, warned all the other moms that karyssa liked to tear down the blocks. yes...yes she does. with fervor. they are blocks. i'm pretty sure it's half of their job, the other half being to be built up, of course.
then there's the gestapo. she's not a mom...she uh, er...actually works there. i found that out AFTER i told her i "appreciated her concern but wasn't open to advice that day." that was when i had baby huey with me and gestapo told me he shouldn't be allowed to cry for so long on the, apparently, hot commodity carpet square at the end of the gym that is there FOR babies his age. he cried for an hour and a half no matter what i tried and the second he'd almost stop another mom would swoop in to save the day. they were all well meaning. but as i said, he cried for an hour and a half. so if every 5 minutes when he was just about to stop you can do the math on how MANY moms were judging the fact that i was having to let him cry it out. he finally stopped crying when my friend amy held him for the last 20 minutes we were there. *sigh*
which brings me to last friday. there's a little boy that comes from time to time. he's known as being a bully. his mom is known for being a boss. she sits around with her eyebrows up and her mouth pursed together as if she's trying to keep a penny between her teeth and her lips. she has another son who's just a little bit older than asher. both of her sons were in scooters...the younger one was behind karyssa, the older one was in front of karyssa facing her and the boss was standing behind her older son, her feet were practically, if not definitely, touching the back of his scooter. i was keeping an eye on the situation because it didn't look good but i was hopeful that she wouldn't allow anything to happen since she was so close AND they were the only 4 people on that end of the gym. but then i saw him stand up, lean over his handle bars and begin to scream in karyssa's face. not scream words-just scream "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" karyssa just sort of looked at him trying to figure out what it meant. was it a game? was he mad? was she safe? was she supposed to scream back? i walked over and knelt down beside her and said "are you ok sweetie? that was kinda scary, huh?" and with that she got off her scooter and ran off to play somewhere else. i stood up, looked boss in they eyes and said "could you please not let your child scream in my daughters face like that again?" she snickered and said "what?" as if i were as nuts as she was innocent. i repeated myself and she said "i didn't even see it happen?" most people would walk away at this point but i've had it with her. i said "give me a break! you're standing RIGHT HERE!" she then realized i wasn't backing down. and i realized it was out there...i might as well finish it. then she said "they're just kids!" and i said "you can boss around every other kid in the place. watch your own kids!!!" she said "who?" and i said "my friends kids were right in front of us when you told them to go play with other toys. you do it all the time and i'm sick of it. WATCH YOUR OWN KIDS!" to which she had no rebuttle other than "chill out!" i'm pretty sure 10 years ago she would have put up her fingers in the "L" shape on her forehead as if to say i'm a loser. it was about that mature of a situation. myself included.
and i'm trying trying trying not to be like those american idol contestants that screech out their auditions only to come out in tears saying "they just don't know true talent." and i'm sure the other mom has her version that makes me look like the american idol contestant. but for now i feel like i have protected my little baby bear and NOBODY better mess with my babies.

mother's day.....blech!

2011-05-08T09:10:00.003-06:00

in the past i have hated mother's day. don't get me wrong, i don't hate my mother. i love my mother. she's funny and adventurous and she taught me the best there is to know about teasing. after all she was a little sister. it's just that in years past i'd been anticipating mother's day since the dreaded christmas season. being childless and having nothing but tumbleweeds in your belly makes the holidays the worst time to be alive! and for some reason we need a holiday every month! thanksgiving, christmas, new years, valentines, st. patty's day, easter, mother's day, memorial day, father's day, fourth of july, august is holiday free-other than going back to school, labor day, halloween...did i miss one? everyone else wrapping presents/making costumes/decorating eggs for or with their kids and getting gifts from their kids months and months of endless holidays surrounding kids in a vicious cycle. i hated it. so last year when we had both kids, but they weren't officially ours yet, we were afraid. i was afraid. i didn't even want to pretend the holiday existed. so, we didn't. paul took a harley ride with some friends and i stayed holed up in the house with the kids like hostages. we haven't been to church in years on mother's day. i HATE when churches hand out carnations at the door by well-meaning children from the church asking each woman "are you a mother?" i mean really...IS there a more painful question for a woman struggling through infertility? no. not. at. all!
so this year i was determined to jump in with both feet. not look back. no feeling sorry for myself. no pitty party. i want gifts from paul and the kids and to be treated like a princess all day long. not have to lift a finger or change diaper. it's gonna be MY DAY!
well, i've already been in tears three times. WHY? i don't get it. this is a happy year. it's finally my turn to celebrate mother's day. no pitty parties. NONE! *sigh*
stupid mother's day. i WILL learn to celebrate this day dammit!!

games

2011-05-06T21:22:00.006-06:00

we play a lot of hide and go seek around here. these are three of my favorites from today. all in a row. i love watching her mind grow and absorb new concepts. later, if i'm brave enough, i'll share what else happened today. but for now i'm trying to pretend i did not just get into a fight with a stranger about her bully kids.

mortified...and giggling

2011-05-05T16:53:00.004-06:00

karyssa just came to me with wet underpants. so we did our usual drill of running to the potty to finish up but she had nothing more to do. hmmm...and she smelled curiously like poop. hmmm. i wiped her butt and there was a little bit there but not the usual amount. hmmm. so i went outside to investigate and found this. on the front porch.

which means she took her underpants off after pottying and finished up in there!!! lord help me if any of the neighbors saw!! sooooo sorry emily! i am as mortified as you are that the tractor scooter has been so defiled. after staying as quiet as possible so i didn't break out into an all out cackle laugh i explained where it is and is not appropriate to poop with out mentioning inside and outside. after all, we are huge campers and in a few months she IS going to have to poop outside...just not in the scooter. yuck! it has been bleached.

i love after a babysitter leaves and....

2011-05-03T21:38:00.003-06:00

i go into karyssa's room and kiss her and she smiles in her sleep.
i tell her before i leave "when i get back, i'll come into your room and kiss you so you'll know i'm home. ok?" tonight she shook her head yes really quick because i no longer have to grill this into her head because i do it EVERY time i come back when she's sleeping. she knows the drill. but every time she smiles. and i LOVE it!!

she knows i love her!!!!

2011-05-02T21:07:00.004-06:00

i tell karyssa all the time that i love her more than any other little girl in the whole wide world. and then i ask "did you know that?" and she ignores me.
well tonight i said it again (for probably the third time today) and then she did her normal ignoring and change the subject thing and i said "karyssa, don't ignore me...." and she stopped, looked right into my eyes and shook her head yes.
for the first time ever!
she KNOWS i love her! she KNOWS!!
*sigh* i cried.

more on why open adoption sucks.....at least today.

2011-05-02T15:21:00.003-06:00

today my case worker was by and mentioned that her son was terminally ill. i asked if he was one of her biological children or adopted children and she clarified and said "not that it matters" and sort of waved her hand in the air as if she were shooing away a fly. and i thought for a minute...why did that question come to mind? and i realized why.
because in his last days, if he were one of her adopted children, i would assume that she would feel the need to share him since i have been encouraged by the county to have an open adoption with my own children's birth families.
if one of my children were sick i would feel like i would need to share, in some sense, their last days with birth family. i might need to mention that her son is a grown man...it's not like he's 7.
and in a way, i feel duped. infuriated. led astray. if I have to share MY babies...why would she not have to share HER babies? after all, she IS the one who encouraged me that an open adoption is the way to go.
and all over again i question our decision to share. to have an open adoption. to let the birth family back in after they had been shut out by the same people that suggested that i share them.
hmph. and you can guaranty i'll be talking to paul about THIS when he gets home.

the ups, the downs, the weekend

2011-04-30T14:31:00.012-06:00

my husband is training for his first marathon. i'm so excited for him and proud of him. he wanted to last year but with the addition of asher we just did not have the extra minutes in a weekend for him to do the runs. so sadly it got pushed off. well this year he vowed again that he was going to do it and i am determined not to push his goals off for another year. my husband is in shape all the time. even when he's at his fattest he's skinnier than most people. which means, if he's training for a marathon i can not let myself go, even for a minute. and i love eating chocolate. love it!
which leads me to this morning. i woke up before the kids-that never happens. i had energy-that never happens. i rolled over and said "mind if i go running?" i knew he wanted to go running today. he told me last night. and we have a double running stroller so we can go together-but let me tell you-it's one thing pushing a double running stroller, it's another doing it in high altitude, going uphill. (we live at the bottom of the hill no matter which direction you go.) he said he didn't mind. within 7 minutes i had brushed my teeth and was out the door with my running shoes on. i ran 4 1/2 miles in 45 minutes, got home, and fed the kids breakfast. paul was still getting ready to go running. he moves really slow on saturday mornings because "it's the weekend". and for me, the weekend is all about getting the stuff done i can't do during the week because i'm keeping up with the kids, wearing them out, getting them home for lunch, into bed for nap time, getting the house clean, laundry done, dinner made, grocery shopping. all of the things that go unnoticed literally every other minute of the week. he doesn't believe me that 30 minutes late on a lunch/nap schedule is a big deal. i assure you, it is! which led to more frustration. we got the kids down for naps and i hit the door to get my errands done.
and the neighborhood next door was having a garage sale. it's a really nice neighborhood. most houses go for $500,000 to $800,000. which means they've got nice stuff in those garage sales.
i scored these bad boys, all 4 for $50 (one sells for $40):

i'd show you how they look around the bar except we don't have the bar yet. give me a month or two.
and this bad boy for $5:

that will hide all of these secrets:

AND not pinch fingers. huge score. i love saving money, but best of all, i LOVE repurposing stuff and not buying things brand new and sending perfectly good stuff to the dump. LOVE it. my sister-in-law, jenn, is an amazing recycler. i seriously think she's eliminating the carbon footprint for at least 10 people all by herself. i wish i could be a smidgeon as good at it as she is.

and while i was getting those pictures off the camera i found these to tide you over for a while. asher eating a snack with all 5 of his teeth.

and karyssa taking a bubble bath. special treat around these parts because of asher's eczema. We're working on "smile" with out squinting her entire face.

obnoxious...and then cute

2011-04-29T15:17:00.003-06:00

sooo....we have these new neighbors across the street and every day while my kids are napping she goes out onto her front porch and talks on her cell phone. why i don't know. probably because she doesn't want to wake her own kids from their naps. i'm telling you, i have had just about enough of it. and she has one of those voices that carries miles even when she's whispering. ANNOYING!!!!!

in other news asher has been putting things into things lately. it's so cute because he's mastered pulling everything out of things in the last month and just this week he's started putting things in. i love to see his little mind at work. he's also become a MASTER at climbing. he can climb anything and is starting to become, god help me, more fearless than karyssa. not sure what i'm gonna do with 2 fearless babes.

karyssa loves playing tag or hide and seek. if she can't get you to chase her she'll ask for hide. and we count to ten so she's started trying. but it's more like "one...two...ten...eight...hive...heven....mumble mumble not here come!!!" adorable. this morning i was hiding behind the shower curtain and she had a hard time finding me. i had to start talking so she'd come into the bathroom and investigate more. then she saw my feet and pulled the curtain back reeaaaalll slow and squealed with delight that i was there. she has started getting afraid of the dark. everything dark has a "monkey" in it. right after the incident at the zoo where the gorilla came face to face with her in a fit of glory the show "between the lions" read a book about a crazy monkey that got out of the zoo and followed this little boy home. then the little boy figured out the monkey wanted to become friends, but not until after running out of his room scared of the monkey. karyssa didn't get the end-her mind stopped at the part where the little boy ran away scared of the crazy monkey. and why not. 100% of her monkey experience has ended in wet pants. *sigh* so now EVERYTHING has a monkey that is scary.

smiling bumper to bumper traffic

2011-04-27T20:10:00.003-06:00

today we had our little buddy aidan over. karyssa and aidan have had a connection since they were about 18 months old. probably before that even. they are just over 2 months apart and he is her favorite person, just after our speech therapist emily, to come over. this morning i said "guess who's coming over today? 2 people..." and she goes "aidan!?!" and i was like "wow, ya...how'd you guess?...and emily" which ensued about a minute of yay's and woohoo's romped through the living room. what can i say, i've turned her into a cheerleader.
later when he was over he was having a hard time with chairs. i had rearranged the chairs and he wanted to sit in the chair i was in so he was on the floor mulling it over and karyssa climbed down from speech therapy and put her hand on his shoulder to console him and gave him a sticker. seriously...the sweetest thing i think she's done in months. it brought both me and emily to tears. the big crocodile kind that just stay in your eyes but don't really fall out. that kind of tears.
then tonight we had a meeting at children's hospital and on the way home we were stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. except i kept noticing cars would slow down right next to me for a while and then speed up smiling. stumped i looked in my rearview mirror to catch her tiny little hand waving to all the people in the next lane. so if you were driving on I-270 this evening around 5:00 wondering why everyone in the right hand lane was smiling...it was karyssa passing out love. *sigh* dang i love that little thing!!!!

no really...make yourself at home

2011-04-26T12:56:00.003-06:00

this is the kids easter picture. ugh! seriously-they are so cute. my eyes just dance when i look at them. i gave asher a haircut shortly before taking our easter pics. i've been ready to cut his hair for a while, but just not ready for him to start looking more like a little boy and less like a baby. but it was time. i've been asked what her name was many times in the past month, so it was a necessity now. *sigh* but i can't stop wondering who that little boy is in my baby's clothes and in my baby's bed and eating my baby's food.
easter night karyssa wanted juice instead of her nightly milk bottle. i asked numerous times if she was SURE she'd rather have a little bit of juice instead of an entire bottle of milk. she assured me each and every time that juice was her choice.
we are always working with her on choices so i let her pick juice. then when it was time for bed and asher got his big ole bottle of milk she melted into tears. cried off and on for almost an hour from her bed. "mooooomm mmiiiiiillllkkkk!!!" breaks. my. HEART!
i hate saying no. HATE it! most of the time i say yes, unless it's life threatening or seriously the answer is just plain no. so she doesn't hear no much. i just don't see the need to fight every battle and if it's not gonna hurt her or any one or any thing else i don't see why not. if she wants to blow bubbles before cleaning up, why not? we still clean up. if she wants to help clean up, why not? i make her wash her hands afterwards. so it came as a great surprise to her when i stuck to my guns that she had chosen juice instead of milk and was NOT going to get both. the very next morning she climbed out of bed, climbed into bed with me to snuggle and watch a little cat in the hat while i woke up. but it took me an hour to wake up. later asher was walking around with a bottle and neither paul nor i could remember the last time we had a bottle upstairs since we'd spent the weekend at grandma and grandpas. so we took the bottle away from him, assuming it was rotten and fed the kids breakfast. then when it was time for bottles i looked in the fridge and no bottle! nowhere...it was a very odd feeling. i know me and paul are the only ones who get in the fridge and i know for fact neither one of us had drunk it because neither one of us can drink dairy. then i realized...the bottle asher had been carrying around WAS the bottle we made for her last night. at some point, maybe while paul was in the shower, she went downstairs and got her bottle of milk from the night before. i was so baffled and surprised. i said "karyssa, did you take the bottle out of the fridge this morning?" "ya, morning." she said. and i remembered, last night through tears (have i mentioned i hate it when they cry?) i bent over her in bed and told her "you chose juice. you can have your milk tomorrow, but tonight you chose juice...next time you need to think about your choices." i've seen her open the fridge a time or two but i didn't realize that she would actually just help herself to what's in the fridge. and technically i did tell her that "tomorrow" she could have it, so she wasn't disobeying me. it's a whole new world for her being able to open the fridge. a whole new world of chilled possibilities. and later i realized how comfortable she is becoming because at snack time she opened the fridge and got out the strawberries and grapes by herself, shut the fridge door, just like i do, and headed for the couch to watch pocahontas and eat herself a little snack. i did draw the line there. next thing i know she's gonna have one hand down her pants and the other on the remote control for pete's sake. and what am i supposed to say? this IS her house. she IS at home...so why not make herself at home?

stop growing up. just stop it!

2011-04-21T15:26:00.004-06:00

asher can now do this:
can you see what he's doing??? he's brushing his teeth. by himself. standing at the sink. and able to reach the water.
there are so. many. things. wrong with this picture!!!
you see, karyssa couldn't do that until a few precious months ago. she was too short. so we got that step stool so she could at least touch the tip of her toothbrush with the water but she still needed help. not asher. he can climb up the stepstool and get his toothbrush wet and brush his 3 little teeth all by himself.
it makes me sad.
probably more sad because those same little piggy tails in the background were just signed up for preschool this morning.
i'm so not ready.
i told my friend lisa that it's like those commercials where they are handing the car keys over to toddlers only for them to look back a second later and they are a teenager driving the car those keys belong to. STOP IT! i can't take it! let's face it, i was jipped a year. she came to us 13 months old. i can't help but feel like i was jipped of some of those months. but seriously-if i had 130 more months i still don't think i'd be ready for her to go to preschool. as i stood there watching her sitting in circle time and passing around the jars of caterpillars and butterflies, taking turns, albeit hers a little longer than all the other kids...i realized there's no going back. it's not like i can start her in preschool and then take it back. i can't make her be 2 1/2 again. i can't un-potty train her. well, technically i could but i'm enjoying those few more bucks a month only having to buy diapers for 1. i digress. all i'm saying is i am not ready for my baby to be standing at the sink brushing his own teeth and i'm certainly not ready to be handing over car keys. i guess i should just count my lucky stars that all i'm doing is signing her up for preschool. and letting her become the independent little thang that she is. piggy tails and all. *sniff*sniff*

no beer bong for my baby!

2011-04-19T14:33:00.007-06:00

today we had another swallow study. and by we, i mean, me and asher. we did one in a blizzard in december and they found that he aspirates. no explanation why or how long it would go on for or what to do moving forward. just that he aspirates and the entire room paniced and shut down the swallow study when he did it. aspirates means when he swallows some of it goes into the wrong pipe and into his lungs. they told me to change the nipples on his bottles and to sit with him when he drank putting his back to my chest so he couldn't lift his chin too far while drinking. it was never explained to me that every drop of liquid needed to be drank/drunk in this position. and he was 10 months old at that point so i think everyone in the room understood that he ate and drank normal foods and drink all day-not just a bottle. nonetheless the therapies and diagnoses kept coming. weekly. i exaggerate saying that we saw everyone but the split end specialist, and i'm pretty sure if medicaid would cover it, asher's ex-therapist would dream one up. shortly after, exasperated and confused, i talked all of this over with karyssa's speech therapist. she said that her son had alot of the same symptoms and it was his adnoids and i should look into an ENT (ear, nose, throat doctor). so i did. i got an appointment with childrens. i didn't care if they gave me the janitor in the ENT department, i wanted a 2nd opinion. i got a physicians assistant. i told him what was going on, what the other therapist was guiding me towards...or actually...aimlessly pointing me into different directions and he mentioned the aerodigestive clinic. thus the hospital stay a few weeks back, which has then led to his sleep study last week, and lastly (thankfully lastly) another swallow study.
and we got answers. finally! after months of stabbing in the dark and being so worn out from the aimless directions i've been pointed, we have answers!!!
there's a muscle in his throat, the epiglottis, that is supposed to act like an umbrella for his esophagus and airway. and it does-but its timing is off. luckily his trachea is stepping up to bat and moving over causing that fluid to go back up into his throat and down in the right direction. when i asked his ex-therapist where all that liquid is going if it's going into his lungs it was explained to me that "he's active enough that it's just working its way out." that greatly puzzled me. i've never known a liquid that has the mind to get itself righted into the correct organ in my body so that baffled me that it just "worked its way out."
for now i am supposed to thicken all of his liquids, water, milk, juice...anything liquid and in 4 months we'll do another swallow study to see if his epiglottis is getting the point. no beer bongs for my baby any time soon.

CLICK HERE to see the diagram in motion...just hover your cursor over the picture.

com'on kids...we need to stop by the tattoo parlor on our way to music class.

2011-04-18T20:14:00.004-06:00

seriously...some days i question why i got out of bed. this is how it all went down:
woke up realized my eye was still curiously puffy, but not as painful as yesterday.
put away the kids' laundry that i washed/dried/folded last night before bed.
called the doctor and got an appointment for late morning. perfect since i had a laundry list of errands to run today.
started a load of actual laundry.
fed the kids breakfast then went running so my mother-in-law doesn't leave me in the dust when we run the bolder boulder. ended at the park after the run so the kids could get a chance to play before heading home.
came home and changed laundry loads.
showered and out the door by 9:30 so i could get a chance to get a cup of free starbucks on my way to run errands.
took forEVER at starbucks and accidentally got caffinated but couldn't exchange it because i had brought my own cup with my own non-sugar/non-dairy additives. decided it would just be a really hyper and productive day after my doctors appointment...no more time to run errands first.
went to the doctors office just in time.
found out i have a sinus infection behind my eyeball and if it turns red or starts to hurt i am to go immediately to the emergency room.
joked with doctor about severity.
was corrected by doctor that "no, for real...it's really serious."
was given an antibiotic and told to take zyrtec, the antibiotic, nasal spray, cold presses and probiotics for the rest of the day.
and was told to rest.
didn't admit that i've already been running 3 miles today and had a list of to-do's before my head would hit another pillow today.
went to asher's pediatrician for the prescription he needs for his water thickener stuff. (not sure if i've mentioned that when he swallows a whisp of water goes into his lungs each time instead of all in his tummy.)
went to walgreens to get my prescription, his prescription and all the extras.
took baby g his pants back because last week karyssa wet hers while she was at his house for an hour while i went to the dentist.
came home and made ham and cheese grilled sandwiches for lunch.
changed laundry loads.
started feeling REALLY sick...hoping it's the coffee and not the infection.
laid down.
heard the HOA mowers come right past the windows.
so did asher.
waited for him to fall back asleep.
no luck. went upstairs and laid with him for a minute getting a glimmer of hope that he'd fall back asleep.
gave up and brought him downstairs.
took him to the basement to fold another load of laundry. started another.
heard karyssa get up.
decided i might as well sweep and vacuum. if they're up, i'm up.
swept the kitchen and bathrooms....almost.
straightened out my nose ring completely....while it was still in my nose.
sat on the toilet glad i didn't pass out but pretty sure i blacked out the last minute of pain throbbing from my nose.
found out i was still able to stand up so i decided to clean up the blood with rubbing alcohol.
vacuumed entire house.
then i heard these words come out of my mouth: com'on kids, we gotta stop by the tattoo parlor on our way to music class.
stopped by the tattoo parlor and told them what i'd done...except for the part where i explained exactly what i'd done because for a million bucks i cannot tell you how i straightened out my nose ring sweeping the bathroom.
they winced, fixed my nose ring, and informed me that my nose looked "pretty angry" about that.
hurried the kids to music class, where they ran circles around the other kids and parents listening to music.
went to target to get a few last supplies for easter.
called paul to see how late he'd be to find out he was already home.
drove home...stuck in rush hour...took a short cut....got stopped by the train...for 10 minutes....realized this was no longer a short cut.
called paul and asked him to put dinner in the oven.
finally got home, unloaded groceries and the kids from the car.
made brownies with karyssa super fast.
pulled dinner out of the oven, put brownies in the oven.
ate dinner and brownies and played with the kids a little bit before letting them fall into bed.
now i'm blogging and hoping they fall asleep soon because this girl needs her head on a pillow.

do you ever get over adoption?

2011-04-12T08:28:00.006-06:00

i know it's only been 5 months and 7 days since we finalized the kids' adoptions, but who's counting?
yesterday i had to explain that the kids are adopted twice. and both times i said "i don't know, we adopted!" but not in an eeyore kind of way, more like a tigger kind of way. once at immunizations and once again at a sleep study at children's hospital. hopefully the last time we will have to spend an overnight down there for a long time. forever, if i could chose.
every time i explain missing medical information and the fact that he's adopted i feel like i'm explaining how lightning struck us. not once, but twice. perfect, effervescent, life changing lightning strikes. i still can't get over how perfect they are. how perfect they are for us. how MUCH like us they are. not just in looks but goodness sakes karyssa couldn't be more like me if she had a handbook! i know what she's thinking before she does it. i know why she's reacting the way she's reacting. i know what each and every look and glare and giggle means. i love every fiber of her being. and asher...my son whose name means "he makes his mother happy" could not live up to his name any farther. he has brought our family to completion. as i laid in bed watching him last night i just can't help but think how lucky i am to be his mom. then when he couldn't sleep and the sleep study nurse decided to put us in a bed together and we got to snuggle together for the rest of the night. i loved it! the nurse didn't. at 2am she came in and told us if he didn't fall asleep soon there wouldn't be time to get enough data for the study and we'd have to redo it. i keep thinking that maybe tomorrow i'll get over it. it'll be nothing to me. sure, they're adopted, what of it? but so far it hasn't happened. i wake up and think they're adopted! they're mine forever and ever. they'll never be rid of me no matter how hard they try. they're tethered to me and i to them, and i'll never get over it!

here's a couple pictures from the sleep study. it was not easy to get all those plugs on his head but it was even worse getting them back off this morning. his hair is about a day from dreads with all that goop in it.

seriously god...that was weird.

2011-04-10T20:15:00.004-06:00

today i made my grocery list and waited for karyssa to wake up from her nap to go shopping. she loves to go as much as i do so i figured i'd get her out of the house this afternoon. but when it was time to put on shoes she was SURE nothing would do but the light up crocs. thanks alot mimi! they don't stay on her feet well so i told her she could wear her brown shoes or her ballerina shoes, but not crocs. seriously-getting crocs off that girls feet once her mind is made up is so impossible most days it's not even worth it. but today i knew she'd want to walk all the way through walmart so i insisted. finally i told her if she didn't pick one of the other pairs she was going to just stay home. and with that she crawled up on paul's lap and started watching a video about reseeding lawns. with out a fuss from her, i left the house. weird. she almost always fusses to go but not this time.
as i was checking out i realized i had gotten the wrong peanut butter so i went back to get the right one. on my way back to the peanut butter i saw someone who looked so much like the kids' birth dad from the back. then on my way back i realized the guy who looked so much like our birth dad from the back was with someone who looked just like our birth mom from the front. *gasp* i scurried back to my check out lane and handed over the peanut butter. then our birth dad scurried up to the lane too. he stood at the end of the isle for a brief second trying to decide if it was me and then looking disappointed that i didn't have either of the kids with me. i said "hi!" and he came towards me so i gave him a hug. what, exactly, i'm supposed to do i still haven't figured out. as my friend says "it's not like emily post has quite written a chapter for this." and she's right. there's no protocol. every "open adoption" is different. and although ours is open, as in: we send pictures and letters a few times a year and meet with grandparents a couple times a year. it's not open as in: they know our last name and where we live and see the kids whenever they want to. in fact, we're still deciding what, if any, contact we want to have with the birth parents. that's a decision we feel is for the kids to make. and until they are old enough to tell us they want to or don't want to we don't feel that's something we want to push onto them.
we chatted about some photos i'd recently sent and he asked if the email address i had given him was working yet. and after a minute (it felt like forever since my heart had stopped beating when he came to my isle) we parted ways and i waved to our birth mom. she didn't come towards me and i didn't want to push her. she didn't talk at all, and i didn't want to force her.
but then she smiled at me. SHE SMILED AT ME! the woman (girl really) that didn't show up to any of our face to face meetings, the girl i've only seen in pictures or from the back of the head in court smiled at me. so i have to know she's as happy to be kid-free as i am happy to not be kid-free. so maybe down the road, just maybe, i'll figure out this open adoption thing. until then seriously god, that was weird. i need a little more warning.

wearing them out

2011-04-10T13:41:00.003-06:00

lately karyssa has been BEGGING for a bath. not that she doesn't get them. we do bath night every other night. but lately everytime she sits still she decides it's time for a bath. she points upstairs and says "bat!" and when you tell her she just had a bath, or she had a bath this morning, or it's not bath time or even bath day she falls into a heap on the floor and says, more dramatically, "baa-haa-hat!" so today we decided to take the kids swimming. "yay! himming!" she says. for over an hour they swam. asher too. we went to the erie rec center pool and it's just short enough that when he falls in half, landing on his hands, his face is JUST above the water. it was so cute. i wish i had taken my camera. we swam until their lips were blue and even karyssa was requesting to get out of the pool. then we gave them showers and piled back into the truck and came home for grilled cheese & turkey sandwiches...and, of course, and naps.
love mornings when we can successfully wear them out. i wish that was something i could do on my own, but i can't keep up with both of them in the water alone.

side funny note: last night i turned on the new gas grill and paul was keeping an eye on the kids. i came inside, got the meat for grilling and went back but the grill was ice cold. then i realized all the knobs had been turned back off. silly little man. he loves twisting things. door knobs, the dishwasher knob, toys that have twisting buttons, and now, apparently, the grill knobs. *sigh* i love that little man!

love this laugh

2011-04-08T13:02:00.002-06:00

pay no mind to the dead tree in the background. it's a long story. well...not so long as just tragic.

wild thing....i'll eat her up, i love her so.

2011-04-08T12:44:00.006-06:00

when the foster boys were here we had a hard time with karyssa going to bed. that has continued even after they've moved on. finally, after endless nights of catching her and her partner in crime (the foster brother that was only a month older than her) we built another bed and put her in our room. but that only lead to different kinds of mischief. every night i would catch her in various outfits of mine from the hamper. i finally started taking pictures, then there were so many pictures, i just stopped.

the night(s) karyssa wore her wolfsuit she made mischief of one kind:

and another:

and another:

crazy monkey

2011-04-07T13:04:00.002-06:00

now i see why my mom hates it when i cuss.

this little boy of mine...

2011-04-06T08:29:00.004-06:00

oh how i love him! i remember thinking "how am i ever gonna love another as much as i love karyssa? she's so perfect!" well, let me tell you, i can. he's started shaking his head yes when we ask him questions and it really is when he means yes. i love the way he double fists it with passies. if he's sucking on one and finds another he picks it up and tries to shove it in piggy backed until he realizes it might be easier to take the first one out. then when he gets the 2nd in his mouth and discovers there's yet another passie (the first one) he keeps putting them in and taking out the other until he decides which one is better and drops one and goes on about his business. it is SO funny!
he's gotten so opinionated in his old age. he wants everything karyssa has. it used to be that she could have a balloon, or a mechanical horse ride at the store, or a snack or a sippie with out asher even noticing. now he's all about it. if she has it, surely he needs one too. and if you pick him up to redirect him from something he can put on a cry that's oscar worthy. he's always shown his frustrations by taking his hands with his fingers fanned out and shaking his flat hands from his knees to his ears-that's cute too-even though he's trying to be mad.
he's getting his 4 top front teeth right now so he's kind of cranky, but when he forgets about his teeth he is the happiest baby on the planet. smiles and laughs ALL day long. it's so refreshing to be around him.
i love the way he wanders around the house looking for the next great thing. he has the cutest little baby hips. i love the way the fronts of his thighs stick out to the sides. and how tiny they make his butt look when he's in the tub.
and i LOVE the way he growls. he does it when he's laughing and it. is. so. cute!
he's all boy. it's so amazing to see the differences from karyssa, and yet so many similarities too. as he got nearer to that 13 month 2 day mark that karyssa was when we brought her home it became more real to us how much she had been through. and now that he's past it and doing so many things that she couldn't at that age we realize how blessed we are and how lucky he is that we were able to get him at just 1 day old. i miss the 36 hours we missed with him before he came home...but i'm so glad to have had those 13 months and 1 day more than we had for karyssa. and in that way, she will always hold a special place in my heart. i will always grieve those 13 months and 2 days.
he amazes me every day!!! and i am so lucky, and i know it, to be able to call him my son.

Dear New Neighbor Across The Street,

2011-04-05T08:10:00.003-06:00

I know you just moved in a couple weeks ago but there are already so many things I'd like to tell you.

First I'd like to tell you how vibrant* your 400 watt front porch bulb is all night long. I wake up mere moments after falling asleep to find that it's almost dawn, only to look at the clock and find it's only 12:30am. Wow...I've never had a neighbor with such an effect on me before. It's really....something!

We've all been talking about the playhouse that you brought with you. I love the color of shingles it has. I say that because as I sit here in the dining room of my townhouse I can see the top of it sticking out from the wall of your front porch. Huh, I thought that was against HOA regulation but kudos to you for finding a way around that.

I love the assortment of pickup trucks that park out front of your unit for hours on end. They block the nice bright red curb so well. I was always afraid to leave my car unattended there for fear of towing since, after all, that red curb does indicate a fire lane.

Your son is also so...*vibrant. I love the way he rides his bike down the sidewalks yelling while my kids are napping. And your communication style with him is so expressive. It's nice to see that every hour or so you are keeping an eye on him. As well as your 3 year old daughter. I keep my kids on our porch with the gate locked for fear of the sex offender down the street but you're so brave to let her wander the neighborhood like a lost child. Invigorating, really, to see such brazen parenting skills. We all look forward to the day we get to meet you by dragging your son home by his ear because inevitably, we all see it coming but you.

Oh, and one quick thing you might not be aware of...when you take your cell phone calls out on your front porch late at night when all the lights in the neighborhood (with exception to your vibrant porch light) are out, I wasn't sure if you were aware the rest of us could hear you. Just a friendly FYI.

Sincerely,
Gladys Kravitz

*[read: obnoxious]

P.S. I love the ARMY t-shirt you wear often. Really drives home the tough as nails exterior.

this little girl of mine...

2011-04-04T08:52:00.004-06:00

she makes me LAUGH and shocks me every day. which is saying a lot since i'm not often shocked.
last week, all in one day, i caught her sitting in her flower pot (it's full of sand) with her pants down acting like she was peeing. and then had to tell her to stop "puking" rocks into the chimnea. she was putting rocks in her mouth and then leaning into the chimnea with a hearty "BWUH!!!" upchuck noise. my neighbors must think i'm the biggest alcie this side of jersey shore.
other things we have to constantly be reminded: no pyting (typing) on the computer. don't hug brother so rough. don't eat the sand. go put on undies. only use the chalk on the sidewalk...not the house. and more i just can't think of right now.
she's also become so girly i don't even know what i'm gonna do. she's loving wearing piggy tails. i let her pick 1 or 2. and pajamas-forget footie pajamas. sooooo out. nightgowns are in and clearly the only choice. and i used to open her pants drawer and just let her pick a pair...now i have to clarify if it's going to be a dress day or pants day before i even bother rooting through the drawer for the perfect pair of pants. *sigh* LOvE this baby girl!
every time we look through the newspaper or drive through neighborhoods now it's "house.....yard!" because we've been prepping her that we're going to buy her a house with a yard this summer.
and don't even get me started on picking out a pair of shoes. every day we have to clarify WHICH pair of crocs. our light pink ones, or our light up ones. now we have our prima ballerina shoes from miss nancy. the kids' CASA. when the case ended she came to me in tears asking if she could please keep in touch with the kids and boy has she been a godsend at times. SO CUTE! and miss nancy has a husband who has been named by karyssa as "POP!" never just "pop". always with an exclamation point at the end and in all caps "POP!" and believe me POP! loves it as much as karyssa does. POP! it turns out, likes to garden and let karyssa help him in the dirt. so for a week after staying at their house while asher was getting his scope study all i heard about was "POP!...dirt."
i could go on and on but i have a list of to-do's as long as my arm.
more later about how much i love my boy!!

does it have to pour EVERY time it rains?

2011-03-23T20:29:00.004-06:00

we're house shopping. it is so. much. fun. and i am not being sarcastic. i LOVE looking at houses and layouts and decorating styles and colors and back yards and neighborhoods. ugh! every time we pull up in a neighborhood and our realtor starts to look for the address i say "it's the third one on the left" or "this one right here." ha! she keeps commenting on how much we've done our homework. little does she know we are LOVING the homework. i check the sex offender registry, check the school ratings, then i physically drive by the houses at LEAST 3 times before we even go inside so i can decide if i really want to stare at the house across the street for the next twenty years. ha! LOVE house shopping.
don't love when we finally put an offer on a house we LOVE LOVE LOVE only to have them accept another offer. i'm telling myself the other buyers were cash buyers willing to pay full price. but i DO love that it means i get to house shop some more. and boy was i disappointed. so we looked. we got close. we revisited. we went back to other houses. we went to more houses. THEN a house popped up that was EVERYTHING we wanted. big yard. 5 bedrooms. potential to move and expand....by the way, we LOVE tearing down walls, redoing kitchens, carpeting and hardwooding and painting. UGH! love it!
so we put in an offer on a house but it's a short sale so now we gotta wait forEVER and a day...or 60 days, something like that. maybe by late may we'll know something.
but that was yesterday. today i had to take asher to children's for an evaluation on his throat. they aren't sure why he can't swallow water without choking. or aspirating as they all love to say. i hate that word aspirating...it's so....medical. and not in a good way, not in a cure way...in a problem way. *sigh* so i took him down to the children's hospital and sat down in the waiting room trying not to think about the fact that we were at children's and people don't go to children's for a cold...they go to children's because their kids are really sick. and my baby is not really sick. at least that's what i'd like to believe. but as we're sitting there waiting for the same doctors that are going to see the boy next to us with the trach tube and the girl in the next section over is bald from chemo it makes me reconsider how not-sick my baby truly is. i went to the bathroom and cried for a minute. then he was seen by 3 doctors, a couple specialists and a few more people that i'm not sure what their role was. i think it was a nurse and an assistant. tomorrow we go back for a few little procedures and a 24 hour stay. i was exhausted tonight when i got home. karyssa didn't nap today, we think, because every time she was checked on she was in a new spot with more items in her hands she shouldn't be playing with-typical karyssa fashion.
now i'm home, the kids are in bed, and i'm trying to decide if i should have chocolate cake or salad for dinner. and the place we're renting is on the market and has it's first showing tomorrow afternoon so i gotta leave it clean on our way out at 5:00 in the morning!!!
and all i can think is "thank god we don't have to deal with the house stuff for 60 more days".

now that's just gross

2011-03-13T20:15:00.004-06:00

i don't have a weak stomach. i can handle scars and puke and even some talk about medical procedures. but you know what's just gross? when you lean over the banister to ask your husband to bring up the diapers you just brought in from the store, turn around and find your potty training 2 year old sitting on the toilet saying "poop!" and just the minute that you get excited that she's really turned a corner from only being potty potty trained to actually being fully potty trained, you realize the floaties the baby is playing with in the tub is the poop your toddler is talking about. *sigh* ga-ROSS!!!

up to my eyeballs in therapy

2011-03-09T17:19:00.002-07:00

today i had a bit of a meltdown. which then led to asher graduating from occupational therapy. why is he in occupational therapy you ask? because of his poor muscle tone. uuum...excuse me? what? "ya, remember when he first came in and he was all balled over and slouchy?" "he was 4 months old..."
i told the therapist that my friends are asking why he's in therapy and i don't know why he's in therapy anymore. we did the swallow study, we can see that he has a little bit of "asperating" when he swallows. but why is that? "poor muscle tone." ??? again with the poor muscle tone. really? he's a ball of muscle. he has baby fat and he's hard like muscle. not like a rock-don't go that far overboard here with me. so i took him to an ear nose and throat doctor who referred him to an aerodigestive clinic who first wants a sleep study done before they'll put him on the list for the "board" to discuss when they decide in their weekly meeting if he would qualify for the aerodigestive clinic. i'll schedule that after i get the results from the pediatric baby opthomologist appt but i really think that appointment won't be necessary. see, he has to go to that because his eyes are watery. i think they're just watery because i have to put baby oil in the tub with him now to help with his eczema. ya, the allergist said to take him off peanuts, egg whites, (not the whole egg...just the whites) oranges, tomatoes (only raw tomatoes, not sauces or cooked tomatoes), and i'm not supposed to introduce more dairy (milk) until the eczema clears up in a few months.
see where i'm going with this? i'm exhausted from his appointments that needlessly lead to yet more appointments on a perfectly healthy baby!!!! i'm drowning in appointments and therapies and evaluations and tests and diagnoses that i don't think are quite accurate. thank god he came with medicaid. or maybe it's the medicaid that's a problem...maybe that's why we get scheduled for test after test after needless test!
anyway-this was the attitude i went into therapy with today and thus the reason we have been discharged from ONE appointment in the week. i figured out today that since june we have driven to the therapy center approximately 40 times. 30 minutes both ways DURING naptime. you can imagine how well that flows for kids on a schedule. *sigh* NOT well at all!!!!

double kids=quadruple work!!

2011-03-05T22:29:00.003-07:00

sorry i haven't blogged in a long while. i can explain 23 days of it.
we got a placement call and i called back just to say "sorry, we can't because we don't have a big enough house." they quickly shot that down so i came back with "we don't have a big enough car for 4 carseats." (yes-the two they wanted us to take were in carseats plus our two in carseats equals 4 carseats in a honda civic. i don't think so.) they offered to get us a van. i asked "seriously?!?" that's when it hit me. they wouldn't have called me if they weren't serious. and i quickly learned a very hard lesson....that lesson then took an additional 23 days to pound into my head: never EVER say "maybe" to a case worker.
i called paul, he said he didn't mind. as long as we weren't a long term option i told them we could do it for a couple days while they find a long term foster home. a couple days came and went. a week came and went. 13 days came and went. we found a family. we visited with them. they were amazing. had an amazing house. amazing playroom. amazing bedroom setup. sort of. long story.
theeeeeen the woman started asking me strange questions about the kids. and she kept commenting how they looked more like me and paul than her family. then she asked me if diarrhea was a mexican thing. *record scratch* what the hell? then i started adding up all of the other comments she had made to me. and i realized we had a problem. a big problem. i called my case worker, knowing full well if i put the brakes on it would mean we would have the kids for a couple more days. [cue laugh track]
well, we had them for a couple more days for sure. 23 days in all before we were able to transition them to their (hopefully) forever home. they are with an amazing couple that has no other kids. which means they will be pouring in tons and TONS of love. which is exactly what they need.
all in all 4 kids 2 and under was hard. MUCH harder than i ever imagined. but if i had it all to do over again i would do it in a heartbeat for those boys. they were amazing. i loved having them here. in a different way than i love karyssa and asher, but love nonetheless. we're up for recertification and we're having a hard time deciding what we want our role to be with the county. we love our kids. we are perfectly happy if they are it forever and ever. we kind of hope they are...but if they came up with another sibling we'd do it. just not sure we want to start with another birth family. see post below.
that being said, i think we've celebrated being a family of four again about 3 times since the boys moved.

open adoption...what it means and how it's working.....for us

2011-03-05T21:48:00.004-07:00

ok. so it sucks.
there are times where it warms my heart.
but for the most part it still sucks.
i try not to feel this way. for my kids. for their birth family. for the connection that some day they might want to have or might regret me for forming on behalf of them when they were still this young.
we met with abuelo and step-abuela the other night. they are sweet. they are trying. we are trying. it's like an awkward blind date that just doesn't end. i'm not sure at what point i will look forward to our visits. or tell them our last name. or admit that we now call asher by his middle name that we gave him, and not the name their daughter gave him. or even tell them what side of town we live on.
there are moments when we think we don't want to have this relationship with the grandparents. we want to have it with birth-dad. but he's not an option. and i think as much as i feel this way about the grandparents what if i get into a relationship with dad and regret that we ever had that desire? *sigh*
so anyway. we met again. asher has no reaction to them, good or bad. to him they are just some couple we eat a meal with a couple times a year. karyssa wasn't so sure about them in the beginning. i told her before we went who we were going to see and that if she was uncomfortable she could go and play in the playland. she snuggled close to me for dinner and then went to play and quickly warmed up knowing there was a piece of glass between her and them. after a few rounds of peek-a-boo she came out of the playland, climbed over step-abuela's lap and hopped onto abuelo's lap and checked him out without making eye contact. i think she could remember them...but i think she wasn't sure where she remembered them from. abuelo beamed from start to finish again.right up to the part where they opened the trunk of their car to "get [asher's] baby blanket" and there sat, in all it's childhood royalty, karyssa's first bike. bright pink and purple and shiny brand new. step-abuela told me "i told him it was too big for her but he really wanted to buy it for her." karyssa loved it. it had to sleep in her room with her the first night. she can barely reach the pedals but when she leans to actually pedal them she tips the bike over. but she loves it nonetheless. she also got crocs which she has worn every day since.
i love that she loves these gifts. i think it's the actual gift more than the gifter that she's in love with. but still...it's the little part that warms my heart. it's the little part that makes me feel like we're doing the right thing for the long run.
time will tell. i hope time will be kind to us.

mouring the loss of our gain

2011-01-16T15:47:00.005-07:00

when we got karyssa she was 13 months. we had the older girls before her, 7 and 11 years old, so 13 months sounded so fresh and new. like we hadn't missed a thing. but every day asher gets closer to 13 months and i think about how much time it's been. how many milestones and developments and first times i think about how much we truly missed with karyssa. her baby cry. bonding with her as a newborn. her first solids. her first crawl. when filling out her development forms all the way along we just had to put "unknown" because mom doesn't remember. or as social services says it "she's not a good story teller....she doesn't know the history as it happened." she remembers that karyssa crawled. she knew that karyssa ate. but she doesn't know what she did when. when i tell asher "come here" or "no no!" or tell him that i love him and kiss him all over and see him giggle and squirm it makes me sad i couldn't do that with karyssa when she was 11 months old, as he is now. makes me sad that she didn't have any language skills at all, a sign that she was probably not spoken to. if i had her at birth i would have spoken to her. i would have loved on her. i would have taught her how to communicate and bond. it makes me so sad now for every DAY lost with her. every minute more i could have had. but i have to be thankful that we got her at 13 months and not 13 years. but it still makes me sad for every minute we were apart. she's my baby. mine through and through. we think alike. we act alike. we tease alike. she is ME in a smaller package. mine ALL mine!

pitiful return

2011-01-14T21:17:00.003-07:00

lately i've been working really hard not to be karyssa's enabler. she has this look that she gives me and i cave every time. lately i've been trying REALLY hard not to cave. so when we got to doggie daycare to pick up tatum i said "do you want to stay in the car and eat a cracker? or do you want to come with mommy to get tatum?" she said "stay, cracker." ok. gave her a cracker, hopped out of the car and got tatum. when i came back she was sobbing. i HATE when she sobs. makes me cave immediately. and again, i'm an enabler. i said "sweetie! what's wrong?" she said "me!!!" (which means she wanted to go with me because i ask her "do you want to go with me?" and she's shortened it to simply "me".) i said "but remember? i asked you if you wanted to stay and eat a cracker or go with me and you said 'stay, cracker'!" with crocodile tears in her eyes she held up her cracker, without even a grain of salt missing, as if for a refund. oooooooh so sad. i caved and said "you can keep the cracker...let's just go look over the fence." and with that we took a peek at the other dogs and she stopped sobbing. poor baby. i can't wait for her communication skills to come together.

happy new year!!!

2011-01-02T19:31:00.007-07:00

some friends of ours introduced us to the tradition of taking a new years hike every new years day. we started it when we didn't have kids. then we continued it with one. now there's 2. it's getting harder to carry on. karyssa loves to hike but i realized by the time we got home that her little boots might have given her blisters. not sure but it would answer a lot. here are some pics.

about .2 miles past the last picture:

how the hike ended. *sigh* we started off so good.

this is the glare we got on the way home. we might have to curb this tradition for a year or two.

disappointed.

2010-12-30T22:56:00.003-07:00

when we met with abuelo and step-abuela they wanted to commit to how often we would meet. paul and i weren't ready to commit to that and told them we'd like to keep it flexible. after our breakfast i got an email a couple days later thanking me for meeting. i wrote back. then i sent a photo album. then i sent a video of the kids opening the christmas presents they had sent. i have not heard back to any of the following 3 times i contacted them. i'm not sure what to make of it. but i'm disappointed. for some reason i thought we'd strike up this loving relationship. sort of meet the fockers meets guess who's coming to dinner. and now i feel like i went out for coffee with someone who was proposing and now i can't get them to meet me for a sandwich.
*sigh*
and then i wonder if it has bigger consequences. like they know something i don't know that i should know. or something.

karma baby.

2010-12-26T20:18:00.003-07:00

tonight we went to kohl's to exchange some shirts i got paul for christmas. for some reason medium looked HUGE so i got him all smalls. every single shirt small. well, he tried them on today and whoa. he's not a small. we made our exchanges and checked out, and paid the difference put coats on the kids and headed out. as soon as i got karyssa in the car i said "you've got my wallet?" paul looked at me nuts and said "no!" that's when i realized something in the last 2 minutes had gone awry. i went through my kohl's bag. i checked in my seat. i checked all over around the car. i walked back into the store...correction...ran back into the store. i went up to the guy that checked us out and he said "no, if i'd seen it i would have told you." it seemed odd. i went back out to paul we searched the cart again. we searched under the car. we searched all the seats. paul went back in. again the guy wasn't incredibly helpful and we both began to suspect he knew exactly where my wallet was. he came back out and as we pulled away i looked at our spot one more time. no wallet. i said "did they take your number so they can at least call us?" and he realized no one had done that. he went back into the store and i could see from the car things were escalating. something wasn't right. i parked the car and hauled both kids back in side. at this point asher is screaming hungry. (he's not eaten well for days because he's getting teeth.) and by now i'm SURE our cashier knows full well what's going on. i said i'm about ready to call the police. i am getting more pissed by the second at this point. the manager (who was all of 19) watched the video and said he could see me pay and put the card back in my wallet then the wallet back in my left pocket. where i now have an empty cheerios container. why i put it in the only full pocket i have is beyond me. but lets get back to how it's all the cashier's fault. then he checks the video of the parking lot and paul watched it with him. all the way down the sidewalk i go with the wallet in my pocket. no one around me for steps. but then there's this blank spot over by the far doors that's not on the video. we searched and searched and searched. the bushes. the parking lot. the car. the kohl's bag. the shopping cart. the parking spot. everywhere. we finally had to come home and eat dinner. we called all the credit cards and bank cards and cancelled everything. then it dawned on me-at this point we know full well it is not the cashier's fault and we did not apologize. we walked in, he did his job, we shat upon his night and left. um. that's not good. so i pulled out the receipt and called the store to leave a message like a chicken. they gave me right to the cashier. ugh. now i've got to apologize "face to face". i told him in the tizzy of leaving we hadn't apologized and i was so sorry and he interrupted and said "ya and your whole family was watching me!" (we had bumped into some friends while leaving the store so they stood with us in a mob ready to bust some knee caps until we saw the video.) i said "i know! i realize-and they knew too that it was on the video. i apologize. i am so sorry! it was not your fault at all and i felt awful!" with that he chippered up. he was seriously still pissed at us - and, i must say, rightfully so. a few minutes later tatum started barking like a banshee. i took her outside to pee and a cop pulled up. um. this is not normal. i took tatum back inside and the cop said "are you sheri?" (i did not correct him-my name is pronounced cherie). "yes......did you find my wallet!!!!" a customer at kohl's had found it. "WHY DIDN'T SHE JUST GIVE IT TO KOHL'S!!??!!" "she didn't speak english...she took it home to her husband that did speak english and he called the police." she didn't know what to do! she found my wallet, complete with the $6 cash in it, didn't know it was safe to give it to kohl's, finished her shopping, went home and called the police.
and this is where i believe in karma. i was so glad i had already called the cashier BEFORE my wallet was found so i could clear my conscience. and then my wallet came back to me. THANK GOODNESS. now i just have to wait for all my new credit cards to come in. oh jeez.

a date with daddy

2010-12-24T09:22:00.003-07:00

karyssa LOVES to have dates with paul. this morning he took her out for hot chocolate and a park date. she gets all dressed and i did her hair. she was so excited she was standing by the door jumping up and down. i LOVE to see her so excited and love to know it's because she gets to spend alone time with her daddy.
asher and i are staying home to clean and cook. he is wearing his dinosaur pajamas and they are so cute i might just keep him in them all day long.
can these babies GET any cuter? no. i think not. they are pretty darn impossibly cute.

i need to put on my big girl pants

2010-12-17T13:05:00.003-07:00

*sigh*
sometimes it still hits me. infertility. passing on my genes. having kids that "look" like me. knowing where they come from in the gene pool. and it makes me feel sorry for myself all over again. and then it makes me mad that i feel sorry for myself all over again. i used to be a part of this infertility support group on line. it was a huge help for me in getting over and past my miscarriage and through the struggle of getting pregnant. and then one day i was just over it. i was doing acupuncture. i was on my sugar diet. i was tracking my cycles. we were already fostering karyssa. so i just stopped checking in. but some of my infertility friends spilled over into my facebook friends. i'm so happy for the ones that i still keep in touch with. it's nice to see where their lives go. what kids enter their world and how, whether it's through ivf, iui, natural pregnancy, and even foster-adoption.
but for some reason when they are pregnant, again, i wonder...am i a quitter for not continuing to try? should i have continued to stab in the dark? would i feel any more sense of hope? or would i just feel continual failure and frustration month after month of not being pregnant? i'm so happy with my life right now. i have my girl. i have my boy. i can't imagine life with out them or them with anyone else. i know i'm the best mom in the world for my kids. but it still stings to see a pregnancy announcement, or a sonogram picture. i guess if i had a clear diagnosis that i have ____________ and that's why i'm not getting pregnant it would help. but my eggs are so good i could be an egg donor if i were 2 years younger. and no one, not the doctors, not my acupuncturist, not my fertility friends, not books, can tell me what it is that i have that prevents me from carrying on this simple task. it's just a weird feeling that for whatever reason i can NOT create life. this simple task. the only reason we were really put on earth. and i can't do it. what's wrong with me? why can't i do that? and when will this feeling stop biting me when i'm least prepared for it?

ME!

2010-12-10T21:05:00.002-07:00

tonight we went to the festival of lights here in town. afterwards it was time for me to take paul back to his car and karyssa started repeating from the backseat "me! me! me!" which, in karyssa-eese means "i want to go with you." so she got to go to the store for milk AND got to ride the horse afterwards. i love that baby girl more every day!!!!

touche'

2010-12-10T16:42:00.001-07:00

today karyssa brought me the newspaper bag with her socks in it declaring its contents. i said "very good! what else can you put in the bag?" and she said "poop!"
yes...that is what we use for tatum poop bags but we typically don't put her socks in there with poop.

resident cheerleader

2010-12-06T08:43:00.003-07:00

i never noticed how much of a cheerleader i was until i had a parrot in the house. now every time anything exciting or not-exciting happens we hear a "WOO!" come from below. i love when she does it in the car because i see her tiny little fists go up from her carseat.
the other day we pulled into our complex to hear "home! woo!" and at thanksgiving when it was time to open presents "woo!" and when we're getting in the car "park! woo!" or "church! woo!" i love that she loves church that much. i hope she's not disappointed when she grows up to find out that we don't have a huge play structure in the sermon.
ok-gotta run and clean the house. woo!

this is my life. ? ! * )

2010-12-04T20:40:00.004-07:00

i'm not sure how to punctuate that statement. today we had breakfast with our birth mom's dad and stepmom. i have no idea how she feels about it because she doesn't write back to my letters and she skipped out of every meeting social services set up for us to ever meet. this is very hard. it's hard to predict how someone you've never met might feel when the only thing you know about them is the back of their head in court.
needless to say, all day long i've been mulling our meeting over time and time again in my head. sometimes i think: this is my life. other times i think: this is my life? and then again: this is my life! or: this is my life* literally any of those endings will do with how my feelings are today.
karyssa couldn't come because until today we didn't know exactly how much contact they had with her. we found out today-it's not much. which is sad, but on the other hand that clears the whole how-will-she-react-to-seeing-them-again fears. she's going to think we're eating breakfast with another mentor couple probably.
it was tough. it was amazing. it was eye opening. it was affirming. it made me question all kinds of things i hadn't questioned before. it was a blessing. it made my heart ache. it warmed my heart. it made me feel confident. it shook my confidence. it was all kinds of things. but mostly it was 2 hours giving to a man something that no one else on the planet could give him. the gift of meeting his first and only grandson. we didn't have to do it. we could have left it at pictures and emails. we could have told them too little too late. but we didn't.
we met them for breakfast and got there first. i sat asher, intentionally, between me and an empty seat at the table. after a few loooong minutes of waiting with my teeth clenched and my heart getting heavier with every passing minute thinking "are they really not going to show up for a meeting they requested with their grandson!?" they came. smiling, late and lost. they came. abuelo (his new bloggie name) laid eyes on asher and i picked him up out of his highchair and handed him over. abuelo's hands were clammy. he was so excited. and so nervous because they were late. later step-abuela admitted that they had gotten into it because he was trusting that she knew where she was going. he held on to asher until the food came. he ate quickly, the whole time playing with asher, then he picked him back up from the highchair. i am not sure he took his eyes off of him the whole time. if it's possible for a man to have a pregnancy glow, abuelo did. we finished breakfast after an hour and a half but it wasn't for 41 more minutes before he was ready to hand asher back over to part ways. at one point i asked him "so, what do you think?" and through tears in his eyes and his wife translating he said "this makes me so happy to get to meet him. you have made me very happy and i really appreciate you doing this." *ugh* rock in my heart! and i realize this isn't about me and how i feel. it's about the kids and their connection to where they come from. this man is where they come from. don't get me wrong-they are still MY babies (paul would say OUR babies) but regardless of how much they are mine, they come from his blood. asher does this thing where he does the left handed smack, as we call it. on everything. the tub, the table, the floor, his exersaucer. all the time the left handed smack. what was the first thing abuelo did when he put asher down to eat? he reached over and smacked the table. not AFTER asher did it-BEFORE asher did it. asher smiled real big as if to say "finally! someone who speaks my language!" and smacked back. in all the months he's done the smack not once did i think to smack back. not once! what is wrong with me? when we met for our ice breaker he couldn't keep his hands off of that little wirey toy with the beads? you know-they're in every waiting room that anticipates children. it's got all these wires that go in every direction and it's got beads on each wire....couldn't stop touching it. guess who else can NOT leave those things alone? karyssa! i told him today that i had noticed that. although i'm not sure it was translated exactly. i think it was translated as "karyssa likes those wire and bead toys." i don't think it was explained to him that i had noticed how much he was like karyssa. which leads me to my next epiphany. *sigh* i need to learn conversational spanish. shameful that it has taken me this long to come to this conclusion but i realize as long as i don't abuelo will always be an outsider for our meetings. and for the sake of our kids and his relationship to them, i don't want that. not sure how i'm going to hurdle that desire but i'm putting it out there in the cosmos as a hold-me-to-this kind of thing.
anyway. today was a big exhausting day. all in all i feel like paul and i have gotten thrown into an arranged marriage where we got to meet and fall in love with the groom and THEN met all of his family.
i'm not sure why god gave this life to me...but this is my life!

on with life and such.

2010-12-02T20:58:00.003-07:00

yesterday asher climbed the stairs. he got half way up. up on the landing before i realized life was WAY too quiet. i had put karyssa in a time out and when i called her to tell her she was done she came up to me smirking. hmm. i thought. that's an odd post-time-out look. that's when i looked around the corner just in time. tonight i let him climb up to show daddy how he could do it. he's starting to understand commands. i said "asher, come climb the stairs and show daddy how you do it." and sure enough he crawled over to the stairs and climbed on up. sweet little bug.

karyssa has started dressing herself. on tuesday she was sick with a fever so i was just going to let her stay in her jammies all day. around 10:00 she went upstairs and came back down wearing a shirt (backwards) and then i went in there and helped her pick out pants. the last couple days she's dressed herself again. each day with her shirt backwards. the first day i left it, the second day i fixed it for her, and today i showed her wear the tag is so she can do it herself. tonight after dinner (spaghetti night always requires stripping down to diapers) she redressed herself with the tag in the back but inside out. one step at a time. she'll get it.

while i was making dinner she came up to me with a kleenex and blowing her nose. THANK GOD! i was beginning to think we'd never get past the picking the nose phase. so i gave her a smartie and told her how proud i was that she used a tissue instead of picking it. then she wanted another candy. i told her "no more candy until after dinner. remember why you got the other piece of candy? because you blew your nose instead of picking it." she turned around and toddled off to the bathroom and came back with a fresh kleenex blowing her nose again. d'oh! smart little thing.

heartache

2010-12-01T08:13:00.003-07:00

yesterday i had a conversation with someone from the county. she's not a case worker but she's in the mix.
i'm so discouraged.

SO discouraged.

they've all been spouting to me the past few months that "studies have shown that children do better with birth family." i do not agree. plain and simple. do. not. agree!!! there are exceptions to this. i have seen it and it can be successful to have birth family in the mix but it is not an across-the-board-blanket-statement kind of thing. selected members of selected family MIGHT be appropriate but i do not believe that ALL children do better with ALL birth families.

i ask my cousins and adopted family questions all the time about how they would feel if ________. they all disagree with the "studies have shown..." comment. i told my case worker "i know 'studies' show that...but no one in my real life shows that." and her response was "well my question would be how open was their adopted family to contact?" to which i stood up, scratched her eyeballs out and kicked her out of my house. ok...so i didn't do that last part. i bit my tongue and counted the minutes until she left.

so what was so upsetting yesterday? i have been put on probation for the mentoring. supposedly she just wants to meet with all of the mentor families...but she wanted to talk to me about a certain instance where karyssa hit one of our mentor moms and got a time out. i explained that karyssa is a child that if she gets to do something once she'll expect to do it everytime. for instance, if i let her touch the christmas tree, that will be something she expects to do every time. i have to be very consistent with her. i can't give her a time out once for hitting and not give her a time out the next time. to which she responded "is your tree tied down?" i said "what do you mean?" and she told me that she had a hook in her wall and every year she tied the tree to her wall. i'm imagining the kids climbing the tree while it flops from one side to the other. why would you not just tell your kid to leave the tree alone? my 9 month old already knows the rules about the tree. give me a friggin' break. (ok-friggin is NOT the word that comes to mind there but i'm trying to keep in PG.) so i asked if they have plenty of foster families right now? and she said "well, we're using family." meaning birth family. meaning they don't need us sub-par foster families because birth family is so great.

so i realized 1-i don't want anyone else from the county in here watching me raise my kids anymore than i have to. 2-a LOT of kids are going to go back to birth family and have no chance at a stress-free life. i know-it's happened for years, decades, like this that kids live in sucky environments...but if there's some way we could prevent that, wouldn't we want to? and 3-taking in more babies might be even more NOT on option that i already suspected.

this is not going to be a long term option. it's been said to me before, and the ghetto proves it time and time again: dysfunction runs in the family. if you grow up seeing dysfunction you don't have any other views of how things could/should go. most of your friends from the ghetto live in homes just like yours where violence is the first resort. i can promise you that kids who spend the first year in trauma filled homes spend YEARS getting over it. so it breaks my heart to think that there are babies out there (and by babies-i mean anyone under 18 years old) living in homes where they see no chance of hope, no semblance of normalcy, no way to get out and no way to stop the cycle and it breaks my heart for these babies. there is nothing i can do because my genes are not tied to theirs. and it makes me wonder why there are any foster parents left if we'll never be anything more than "foster".

life goes on

2010-11-23T08:59:00.003-07:00

i keep thinking i'll get a chance to catch you all up on our staycation. well, it's been a busy two weeks. so if i ever get the chance to go back i will. but in the meantime. life keeps happening and i think "oh, but first i wanna put a post about staycation." ah. scrap it.
last night peanut was sitting by the potted plant. AGAIN! pulling dirt out and onto his lap. i told him numerous times "no no!" and then moved him to another part of the room. then it got quiet again and i came out and this time i said (real firm) "BUDDY!!! you are NOT to be playing in that dirt!!!!" and he looked up and smiled at me like i'm the most beautiful thing he's EVER laid eyes on. *gasp* what am i gonna do?! i turned around so he couldn't see me smiling only to catch paul smiling huge. then he turned around as quickly as i did! i was in shock! what am i in for. both kids are fast as lightning now. i'm afraid for when he fully walks. as i type this he's sitting next to me blowing raspberries and giggling from his toes every time i make eye contact. UGH! I love this baby!!!!
sweet pea has become SO affectionate. i don't know if you other fost-adopt mom's have seen that but man it warms me up inside and out. she always accepted it but now she initiates it and it's so cute. this morning she woke up and tip-toed into our room like she does every morning. then she climbed into bed with us and "went spelunking" as paul called it. she loves to "hide, mom!" under the sheets. her words are coming out more and more. when i look back in the journal i realize how much more she's talking now than she did even a month ago. more words and a more confident voice. there's more gusto behind it. she even said "asher" clear as a bell the other day. clear. as. a. bell! and she said "ffffat!" (we were reading the hungry caterpillar.)
anyway-enough for now. i gotta go get my cup of coffee for the day going.

Officially Official.

2010-11-10T13:37:00.004-07:00

That's right folks. We are official! I know what you're thinking....why didn't you post it earlier? Well, honestly...I was afraid of a couple things. 1) I don't know who all reads this blog. I can see what city people are from...but I can't see WHO is really checking. And 2) until we were official, we weren't official. And a little, ok, a BIG part of me was having trouble believing it was really going to happen. I mean all the way - the kids have our last name - happen. In fact, in court when it was happening, I didn't believe it until the judge said "Congratulations...it's signed." and honestly, from the moment we stepped into the courtroom until she said those 3 little words, I couldn't tell you what happened. I literally had to watch the video 3 times before I could believe that I was even in the room when it all had happened. The first day it didn't seem real yet. We've had sweet pea since last summer, and peanut since birth, and they've been our "foster" kids. This whole time...foster. And all of a sudden, they're OUR kids. I mean, forever and ever and ever no matter how much they want different when they are going through the teen years, they will be OURS. Our lives were always permanently intertwined with their birth families but now they are forever permanently intertwined with their birth families. it feels weird. it feels nice. it feels....permanent.
so you might as well see some faces huh? here's you go! introducing our forever kids karyssa katahdin faye and brandon asher cole.

is this what it feels like? because it's amazing!

2010-10-30T14:49:00.004-06:00

i just checked the mail. these days all kinds of fun stuff comes in the mail. today i got the kids' new medical cards from the state with not only their new last names but their middle initials changed. since peanut is going to go by his middle name it's really exciting to see his. and since we got to give both kids their middle names it feels more real. this is the one section of their name that i got to have a say in. our last name came with paul. but their middle names-those we got to pick ourselves! this is so exciting since i've never gotten to name anything besides our dog! :D can't WAIT for adoption day!! it's all starting to feel so official. i've had a hard time, honestly, calling peanut by his middle name because it just wasn't feeling real yet. but it's starting to.

the cheeks of which i speak

2010-10-29T10:03:00.002-06:00

these are the cheeks you can see from the back that i love so so so so so so so so much. adorable! can NOT wait to post pics from the front! soon, my friends! soon!!!

affection

2010-10-26T15:00:00.004-06:00

lately sweet pea has been initiating affection. it's amazing. i tell her that her hugs and kisses are like breath to my lungs. it feels like i've never breathed before when she hugs me and all of a sudden i can breathe. she's always accepted affection, but she's never initiated it until this last month. it seems the more final everything becomes the more safe she feels and the more confident she is in her place in our family. i love it. every night we lay down together and read, all 4 of us in her bed. and then she kisses brother man and we kiss her and then we take peanut to his crib and we turn out the lights and leave. sometimes he goes to bed before story time. last night he was sick so he didn't make it to story time. so it was just me, sweet pea, and paul. after story time we both kissed her cheeks at the same time. she LOVES that. she lays there grinning when we do that. and we kiss her approximately 500 times on each cheek. then she pulls her face back so that we kiss each other. and then we kiss her again. and then she kisses us. and then she kisses just paul, then just me. then we kiss her all over again. she loves it. she loves to feel the affection, she loves to see the affection, she loves that paul loves her and she loves paul and paul loves me and i love her and she loves me and on and on it goes and she just soaks it in. i love the way she loves. i tell her how amazing she is and how she's perfect and then i go through and touch her and tell her how her hands are perfect, her cheeks are perfect, her lips are perfect, her eyes are perfect, her legs are perfect and on and on i go. and she just lays there grinning as if not to grin loving to hear how perfect she is. i love that baby girl.

strong and growing....and growing!!

2010-10-25T22:37:00.004-06:00

both kids are having growth spurts. the best thing ever about growth spurts is that sweet pea gets these enormous cheeks you can see from the back. i mean-they are the CUTEST! the worst thing is that peanut is awake every 4 hours through the night. wakes up starving crying. ugh!
this weekend i bumped up his foods to the 3rd level...which means they are thicker than level 2 foods. i started giving him mashed up bananas. i moved up (in the same day) to cookies and crackers. i made his bottles even thicker with rice cereal. all of it was just a snack to his little tummy. every 4 hours regardless! paul slept on the couch last night. which i find a tiny bit hilarious. he's so tired and after peanut eats he continues to moan for about 30 minutes. then later when he wakes up with a tinge of hunger he begins to moan some more. for up to an hour when he finally builds up to a cry and will eat again.
the funniest part...his moans have now worked their way into my dreams and i don't even hear him anymore. i hear him when he cries...but when he moans, i don't even know it until all of a sudden he's crying and paul's elbowing me to go feed him. LOL! oh i find this so funny because paul's the one who needs sleep. since he works and i stay home we have this sort of silent agreement that i'll get up with the kids and let him sleep since i can take a nap the next day. but, it's sort of not working out since i now dream through the moans. i can say all this because paul never reads my blog. it might as well be my diary. he's sitting right next to me while i post and he's watching tv completely oblivious to the fact that i'm writing about him and laughing that i know i have a good night's sleep ahead of me with a moaner in the corner of our room. and he'll probably end up on the couch again.

the latest

2010-10-20T14:00:00.002-06:00

we have an adoption date! the beginning of next month! which means we have an adoption party! the very next day! my mom and dad are coming to town. paul's parents are taking off work. paul gets the very next week off. and we're gonna have a staycation. can. not. WAIT! for all of the above! so you KNOW i'll be posting pics asap after the adoptions are finalized.
i'm so relieved. i really needed some form of permanency after the last couple weeks shenanigans with our birth family. still not sure what to do there but a good fost/adopt friend said to just get through the adoption and then deal with that. and she's right. first things first. once they are mine i'll have a clearer vision of what we want the future to look like. *sigh*

in other news: i combined the kids' rooms. i put peanut in sweet pea's room in the pack-n-play for a couple nights and he did great. then i committed and put his crib in there. naptime was a disaster but i was sure the novelty would wear off and he would settle in. unfortunately that's exactly what happened. he settled in and just started to moan and groan in there instead of in our room. monday night was the last straw when out of the moans we heard sweet pea scream his birth name...not his adoptive name. i've figured out that's turning into his "trouble name". sooooo he's back in with us. worst. roommate. EVER!!! but it's hard enough to be 2 with out being a sleep deprived 2. i'd rather me be tired and grumpy than her. poor baby. can't WAIT for that 3rd room next spring! come on house!

why you should always ALWAYS wear shower shoes.

2010-10-11T08:44:00.003-06:00

this weekend we took the kids to the local rec center. they have an amazing indoor pool with all kinds of kiddie features and a couple slides. one actually goes outside the building and then back in. WAY cool. on our way in we changed clothes in the family changing room and i noticed there was sand in the toilet. curious as to where there would be sand in an indoor pool but whatevs. we swam for about an hour and a half. both kids were literally pooped. we went back into the family changing room and paul took the kids one by one into the shower to wash up. as i was pulling sweet pea's diaper off i noticed tons of sand in her diaper. now i know she went down the kiddie slide and i know she went down the big slide (which was very fast and very dark fyi) but i'm pretty sure she did not come in contact with any sand that i know of. so stumped. until i noticed little bits of carrot from her lunch up by her hip. and then all of a sudden paul and i, at the same time, realized that was not sand but was in fact, watered down poopoopydoo. oops! i have no idea at what point that happened but i suspect it might have been the first time we went down the slide and it was so stark dark you couldn't even see your thoughts. and that is why, my friends, you should always always ALWAYS wear shower shoes no matter how clean a shower looks.

love this little outfit

2010-10-09T14:00:00.004-06:00

lately sweet pea has been learning her letters. she cracks me up. she babbles on the phone, sometimes for entire conversations with real people, unbeknown to me...sorry suzanne! and they usually go somewhat like this "mmmmmm i. k. j. elmo. hahahhahaha. f. g. k. E!!! hahahhaha." soooo funny because it sounds like a babble version of me on a phone call.

so the other day i gave her this huge sheet of paper and came back and said "oh! what are you writing?" "i. k. elmo. pete." in that order. pete is a foster friend that we mentored which means he had to listen to me tell him about the foster world for 20 hours. boy do they make our foster couples earn their certificate. anyway sweet pea LOVES pete. isn't it so cute that she's not just scribbling anymore but writing little tiny letter scribbles? she's so smart.

guess what..

2010-10-09T13:55:00.005-06:00

guess what's for dinner:

mmmmmmm. PIZZA with fresh homemade dough.

you pervert! did you think that first picture was something else?!

getting hitched

2010-10-08T12:44:00.003-06:00

i have had lots of people tell me they want to foster since we became foster parents. some of them really mean it. some of them have very logical reasons for why it will and will not work. some people need to reconsider their intentions. while you are technically saving the life of a child who may not have other options if the state didn't have foster parents, you have to keep in mind that the child is not going to come into your home and love everything about your good intentions. they won't like your smells. they won't like your cooking. they won't like the clothes you dress them in. they won't like your church, your kids, your extended family. there is more to it than simply signing up, getting a baby and living happily ever after.
AFTER the roller coaster of months and months of documenting reactions to visits and going to court date after court date with your heart in your throat and a lump where your heart should be you get to this magical date when you get to adopt these babies that you fell in love with months or even years ago. and then family starts to request contact. and then you realize just when you thought the roller coaster ride was over, your roller coaster is now permanently (no matter what last name you give the child) connected to their roller coaster. and it won't be for just 18 years. for.EVER. you go up, they come up with you. you go down, they go down with you. you have no choice over who they are or where they come from or where they're going. the only choice you have is how often you chose to ride that roller coaster and then with guilt you chose not to ride and you're the bad guy. i don't know if what i'm saying even makes any sense.
i guess what i'm trying to get across is that fostering is not a flippant idea. it's not something you can do lightly. it's a huge responsibility. your attitude toward the birth parents is paramount the the success of your kids at all times. whether the kids stay with you and get adopted or go "home" or get adopted by kin-every word you say about the birth family is heard by the universe.
just imagine if your child all of a sudden got ripped from your home and put in, let's just say for arguments sake, a Buddhist home. you have no say over what your kid is exposed to, you can ask the county to not let your child go to their buddhist temple. you can request that the foster parents refrain from doing whatever buddhists do to worship their god. but the fact remains that all of the underlying tones and beliefs and pictures and values all come from a buddhist standpoint. are you willing to put away your bible, not talk about your god, take down all christian pictures and bible verses and stop thinking in the christian ways you've been taught to think your entire life? then the buddhist family probably isn't either. now imagine that buddhist kid comes to your house. do you think they are going to embrace your bible, your values, your sayings, your verses, your opinions. NO WAY! they are going to be so afraid because all their lives they've been taught why buddhism is right and why all other religions fall short. everything you've taught your kid about christianity, they have taught their kid about buddhism.
now. are you still willing to open your home and your roller coaster to just anyone from your county? and then NOT judge them. and then hitch your roller coaster to theirs? it's a scary scary day when you are able to swallow all of these things and say yes. i will hitch my roller coaster to yours, not just today and tomorrow but forever and with my opinions to myself and all of the love in my heart for these kids, i will remember that first and foremost, before they were mine, they were theirs.

an hour as a stay-at-home mom

2010-09-30T21:56:00.002-06:00

i was skyping with a friend when sweet pea got stung! i have no idea by what. i asked her if it was a bee? "no." a spider? "no." a bug? "bug!" so i have no idea what stung her. she calls flys bees so i'm wondering if it was a bee but she doesn't know what a bee is and when i asked her if a bee stung her she was thinking i was asking if a fly stung her. so then i went to put dinner in the oven and it's frozen solid. so then i made pizza crust, thinking i'll just switch tonight's menu for tomorrow night's but we didn't have cheese. then i remembered we're going to be in boulder for dinner tomorrow night so now i have half thawed chicken and rising pizza dough. UGH. so we went to the store to buy cheese and ran into the old receptionist, nina, from her daycare and i told nina sweet pea was crying because she got stung and she started sobbing all over again instead of just crying. then she sobbed her vitamin, that i gave her "to make her finger feel better", right down her throat and i had to give her the heimlich in the store parking lot. really? is this really what happened to me in just one hour of this afternoon? yes. yes it is.

this is exactly how i feel

2010-09-26T10:19:00.003-06:00

a friend of mine sent me this article about why a couple chose to adopt instead of trying again. this is exactly how i felt about it. and remember that my experience with pregnancy ends 100% in miscarriage. but now it's ok because i've arrived.

highly inappropriate game

2010-09-17T10:21:00.003-06:00

lately sweet pea has been wandering up to me with her eyes squeezed shut and her arms out in front of her like a zombie. i figured out that she's acting blind. where she came up with this i have NO idea. to my recollection she hasn't seen any blind people...and she certainly hasn't seen them stumbling around like zombies. but she LOVES it when i say "oh it's my blind child! come her blind child!" and then i scoop her up and kiss her all over. it's the FUNNIEST and most inappropriate game we have come up with to date.

hickey thumb

2010-09-14T16:20:00.001-06:00

here's a picture of the hickey thumb i told you about two posts ago.

love me some good hickey thumb.

elmo visits the firehouse. and sweet pea has the firehouse come to her.

2010-09-13T22:36:00.003-06:00

we have a bedtime routine, for the most part. we brush teeth, change diapers, put on jammies, then me and daddy and peanut crawl into sweet pea's bed and we all read a story together. then, it's time for night-night. last night, we did the drill and came back downstairs and 5 minutes later we heard "CRACK!" on the bedrails then sweet pea screaming waling crying. i ran up there in about 3 steps-i seriously think i missed about 85% of them on my way up. i ran into her room, flipped on the light and saw blood gushing.
for the record, i have been known to pass out cold at the thought of maybe breaking my arm-turned out to just be a big bump and a bruise-but that's beside the point.
i grabbed her up out of her bed and ran her into the bathroom, called* for paul [*read "screamed my head off"] and grabbed a towel to catch the blood. at that point i couldn't tell if she'd broken teeth out, if she'd bitten through her lip, if it was a bloody nose...all i knew was the blackest/reddest blood i've ever seen in my life was pouring out of my tiny 2-year old's face. paul came up in about as much time as it took me to get up there and as soon as he was holding her i ran for the phone and called 9-1-1. at that point i was pretty sure she was going to need a blood transfusion before the ambulance could get to the house. i was shaking in my boots to say the least. the operator was frantically going through her pages "ok...put all family pets away and turn on your porch light." "ok.....um....let me see....um.....if she seems groggy or sleepy turn her to the side but do NOT let her fall asleep." !!!! OK !!!! "ok.....uh...let me see here.....hold the soft part of her nose...not the bridge of her nose but just below the bone and lay her all the way back." by then i handed the phone to paul and went downstairs to watch for the ambulance because i could hear it coming. i flagged them into our place and told them the rundown, she's 2, she's our foster baby, we've had her since last summer, she's gonna be scared of you at first...and he said "how old is she?!" "she just turned 2." ya-my thoughts exactly mr. fireman!"
all in all she did great. the bleeding stopped shortly after they got here. there was one paramedic that was asking me how it happened and i showed him the blood on her bedrail and the laundry hamper. from what we can tell by the amount of laundry she had hauled into her bed, she had been leaning over her bedrail into the laundry hamper and pulling clothes into her bed. she tends to do this often. and i've caught her doing it and she's on her knees...not standing up. but what they weren't sure of is how FAR did she fall onto the bedrail because apparently her face caught her fall. (ugh-i can't think/talk about it too much or i start to get woozy.) we didn't end up having to take her to the E.R. but i'm waiting for all my nieghbor ladies to ask me what happened. i saw 3 of them peering through different curtains through out the neighborhood. today it's discolored-a little yellowish, but i think we're gonna get off with out black eyes. the paramedic said give it a couple days...she still might get them. eesh! this girl is gonna keep us on our TOES!!!

my friends are getting annoyed.

2010-09-13T22:14:00.003-06:00

you know that facebook friend that talks about the same thing so incessantly you can hardly stand to see their updates so you end up clicking that "hide" button on them? i'm becoming that friend. i know i am. i talk about the kids and the adoption so much i'm annoying people, i just know it! but i can't help it! i got the freaking cutest kids on the planet and every day it's something new. this weekend it was that peanut has given his thumb a hickey from sucking on it so much. he sucks on that right thumb like nobody's business. when he's hungry, he's sucking. when he's getting sleepy, he's sucking. when we're feeding him, he's sucking...literally...i have one hand spooning food in his mouth and the other hand holding his right hand so he can't suck his thumb! when he's moaning at 3am, yep, you guessed it...he's sucking! the poor thing is gonna have a blood blister before long.
today it's that i've finally started thinking about our adoption party. i went to michael's to get idea's for the invitations/announcements. i just ordered 65 prints of my favorite recent picture of the kids. i can't wait now. now all i need is the date to drop into the invites for our party and we're good to go. that and i need my friend lisa to continue reigning in my "creativity". you see, i'm a hippy on the inside. not in the pot-smoking-peace-loving kind of hippy, but in the dude-we-need-10-more-colors-in-that-square-inch kind of hippy. and sometimes my stuff tends to get tacky because of my love of color. you know, less is more? well, in my mind that holds true for everyone else. so i want to be careful not to let our adoption party get tacky! it's hard when you just want to throw 10 more colors in there!
anyway, this weekend we took 167 pictures of the kids just so we could get ONE good picture of both of them smiling. and we got it. so i have my adoption announcement picture all picked out and ready to go! now i just need a date!!

skiing vs. snowboarding/backpacking vs. car camping

2010-09-11T13:20:00.004-06:00

my poor in-laws. i rope them into all kinds of trouble with me. i feel bad. i don't mean to but somehow i get them to say yes and then half way into it i see the look on my father-in-laws face. it's somewhere between "why did he marry her?" and "how am i gonna live to the end of this?" my mother-in-law, i think, secretly loves it. because i'm roping them into things that she loves to do anyway but never had an accomplice to carry through with.

skiers always ask "skier or snowboarder?" and when you admit that you truly love to snowboard and not ski they usually say "well, it was fun being friends for a while." skiers hate snowboarders because apparently we ruin the ski runs with our boards. especially moguls (those bumps that skiers love to maneuver around). i've found this summer that much like skiing vs. snowboarding it's the same thing with backpacking vs. car camping.

and i discovered i'm not a good car camper. in fact, i gave paul permission to divorce me if he felt the need because i completely understand. i just don't have the energy to car camp. i like it to be condensed, just what you need, on your back.

this last week i called my in-laws and said "hey-wanna go camping with me and the kids next weekend while paul's gone?" of course they said yes. today in talking we discovered my father-in-law was under the impression he had signed up for car camping. (pulling up near a camp spot, pulling everything out of your trunk, and camping right where you are.) i was under the impression we would backpack. (putting everything on your back and hiking in somewhere and setting up camp in the woods.) my mother-in-law says in the background "we can give it a try" which i think means "ya! let's do that!" (she loves to backpack) with a hint of "if you want to" implied for my father-in-laws benefit. i'll update you next weekend after the escapade to let you know how it went. i'm sure they'll have something to tell their co-workers about by monday morning.

here's a picture from the last time i schnookered him into camping and really we hiked from breckenridge to copper. this picture was taken shortly before i started questioning if he'd ever say yes to me again.

sneakasauresrex

2010-09-09T13:49:00.002-06:00

tatum has become quite sneaky in her old age. every day i put the kids down for a nap and she waits. and waits. and waits for the phone to ring. and as soon as my back is turned and i'm busy on the phone sneak quick as a bunny she's up the stairs. then she lays against the kids' doors until one of them opens where she spends the rest of her afternoon sleeping under peanut's crib (her first choice) or sweet pea's bed (her second, but not sloppy second, choice.) little booger.

loudest roommate EVER!!!!

2010-08-25T21:51:00.002-06:00

sooooo peanut has this habit. i may have mentioned it before. he moans in his sleep. when he's hungry or waking up and other nights it could mean "hey-yo-over there-mom and dad-my diapers dirty/wet/still on" or whatever. so last night was a "hmmmm....i've got the runs so i'll let'm know every time i fart"...or should i say "shart"? (for definition watch along came polly.)
anyhoo. last night i decided to count how many seconds his moans were lasting. seriously i think he can hold his breath underwater longer than david blaine. his average is 8 seconds. oh come on now, you think, 8 seconds isn't so long.
ok, imagine for this long: 1 [one thousand], 2[one thousand], 3[one thousand], 4[one thousand], 5[one thousand], 6[one thousand], 7[one thousand], 8[one thousand]. ok-as long as it took you to truly read all of that-we are trying to sleep 3 feet away from mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm for that long. and i'm not talking once or twice. i'm talking for a half an hour every exhale. and i said 8 was the AVERAGE. not every single one. some are 7 seconds. others are 10. some are 2. seriously! i get up every 5 minutes and try to shove the passie back in his mouth only for him to spit it out again to get a full moan going. oish! can not WAIT for that boy to have a room to himself. and we can't combine him with sweet pea because HE'S WAY TOO LOUD!!! that said i wouldn't trade him for the moon and the stars. he is the cutest thing even while moaning. LOVE that little man with all my heart and soul!